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"Parental Guidance"


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I'm having a very difficult time assessing my current situation; my bf and I have been together for a few months now and have gotten very close. Neither of us has ever been in such an emotionally rich relationship. i trust him, and I don't see why he wouldn't trust me. However, his only flaw IMO is that he grows and smokes weed on a regular basis. It's a tool to unwind after a stressful day at work for him.

 

I have been raised to stay away from questionable substances and have no interest in adapting to that sort of lifestyle. I am 27y/o and living with my parents. Initially my parents were somewhat ok with the fact that he smokes (they didn't know he grows it), and upon meeting him really liked him. However, they have grown weary of the situation and feel that my happiness would be short-lived with him in the event that he ends up in legal trouble. He has been doing this for 10 years and has not had problems and keeps a very low profile. I am making efforts to have him give it up, but also consider what if he doesn't. He does not smoke in front of me and otherwise we get along very well and enjoy one another's company. He has a bright future ahead (CNC machinist), and is not a typical non-motivated pot head.

 

It feels like I have to choose between my parents or my bf and being a big family girl that's always looked up to my parents for advice, I'm not looking forward to breaking their hearts. Thing is, I'm not so young anymore and would love to settle down and do see a future with said bf. my parents refuse to accept him and that's not what I want. I always pictured a close-nit bond with my spouse and parents.

 

Help!

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You make your own decision. If it is to try and make it with your bf...and he feels the same way -- then you tell your parents that you appreciate their concern, and that you are walking in with your eyes wide open. That you would prefer that they can accept that you are an adult, capable of making your own decision, and living with the consequences. However, if they cannot accept that, you will not be emotionally blackmailed into giving up your bf.

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I do feel very emotionally blackmailed. My mom takes a passive-aggressive stance by saying "you do whatever you want. I don't have to accept it." This hurts me because I want everyone to be happy. My parents mean the world to me and have raised me well. All I want is for them to give him a chance, weed situation aside.

 

Are you a parent?

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No, but I was raised by awesome ones.

 

And she is right, she doesn't have to accept it. But that doesn't mean she isn't going to ever speak to you again.

You need to let go of the "Hallmark story" in your head --- in this case, everyone will not be happy. You either break up with bf, thereby making parents happy. Or, you stick it out with bf, making you and bf happy and parents unhappy. That is reality.

 

I think that the "weed" situation is not only a generational thing, but a situational thing. In time, if your bf appears to be treating you with honor and respect...they will come around. But you are in for a lifetime of "I told you so" if he turns out to be a stoner with no motivation.

 

And make your own adult decisions --- and live with the consequences.

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That's what I'm afraid of; the I-told-you-so. I've always valued my parents opinion, and they've only steered me wrong a few times. Aside from the stabbing heartache I would go through to break up with him, I feel like there is a connection there that I don't know if I'll ever find. The easy thing to do would be to just find someone my parents accept, but that doesn't mean I'll be happy. Not that I'm happy now.

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He definitely has motivation. He is 30 and owns his own house, mustang, motorcycle, pickup truck (pretty new stuff). He aspires to start his own Tool and Mold shop in about 5 years, and keeps my wants in mind as well; raising a family if we work out. He has never had a problem finding work in his field and has never been fired. His dad passed away when he was 14 and he has been fending for himself ever since. I am impressed with his accomplishments thus far and feel that I could be very motivational to him.

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Nope. You can't. Please don't think you are going to change or fix him.

He may decide to stop smoking weed, just as he has cigarettes and booze. But that is all on him.

 

You have only been dating a few months. Maybe you need to end it now, before it grows any further, and find someone who was raised in the same "value system" as you and your parents.

 

Because from what you have said about him -- he has nothing to apologize for....your parents seem a tad closed minded.

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I would have a lot more courage to stand up for myself...but I am an unemployed Dental Hygienist and greatly depend on my parents as providers. I am afraid to hurt my relationship with them, not only because I love them and respect them, but because I want peace in the house.

 

You are not talking about peace. You are talking about financial support. You are living at home, without a job.

 

They get to say whatever they want. And again --- if you want peace, I am not sure you have the strength to stand up to them over a 3 month relationship.

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My parents are scared that I'll end up in legal trouble because of his grow op.

 

It has been only a few months, and we have made progress. I'm wondering if I should stick it out a little longer and see where things go? He wasn't too enthused about starting up his "garden" again and kind of mentioned that maybe he shouldn't grow it anymore. If he didn't grow it at least, it would ease 50% of the tension on mine and my parents end.

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firstly why an earth did you tell your parents ? parents don't need to know this stuff !!

 

this

 

I am making efforts to have him give it up

 

how can you do that ...you cannot make efforts to make someone do something because you

don't like it .

 

I would consider walking away ..live and let live , and you need to be with someone who respects your needs re drugs and he needs to be with someone who accepts his choices ..I am assure you he will only give it you when he wants to .

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If he gets in trouble with the law, that is on him. You clearly won't be living with him.

 

And if I were him, I wouldn't necessarily change for someone I had know 3 months. Have you talked to him?

Or are you and your parents deciding all of this FOR him.

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how can you do that ...you cannot make efforts to make someone do something because you

don't like it .

 

I would consider walking away ..live and let live , and you need to be with someone who respects your needs re drugs and he needs to be with someone who accepts his choices ..I am assure you he will only give it you when he wants to .

 

Yep. The number one reason relationships become disappointing - "I thought I could change him"

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I told them because I've grown up telling them everything. There are no secrets in my house.

 

 

but you are 27 years old , you are a woman with your own life and ideals , your own opinions ..I assure you there will be secrets .

 

to me it is like walking in and saying ." mam , dad I just sucked someones ****, what do you think? " I apologise for my corseness but I am just trying to stress my point .

 

there are some things that have to be private and that you have to make your own way with ,

and decide for yourself if it is acceptable .

 

you canot live by your parents opinions ..

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You and bf are not compatible for the long haul.

 

You need your parents approval for living, he has been on his own since 14.

You were brought up to say "drugs are wrong"....he uses drugs.

 

And, while you will tell your parents EVERYTHING @ your bf, including stuff that is none of their business, you will not tell your bf that you told your parents everything....because you don't want him to "resent them".

 

Not a match.

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