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Struggling post divorce and want my ex wife back


KUDSM

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Hello

 

I have came accross this site this morning and hope I can find some help here. I've never done this before

 

My ex wife and I were together for almost ten years, married for 6 and a half. I loved her with all my heart and still do.

 

Around Christmas she came one night and told me the marriage was over and I didn't see this coming. We separated and were divorced within six months including all the financial arrangements. I never wanted any if this but felt I had to go ahead with it as she had met someone else and was insistent this was the end so I did what she wanted, quick and easy divorce and got trough it trying to protect myself.

 

When I look back I was complacement with my ex, didnt do the little things I should have and generally lost my way...but I always, always loved her......I just perhaps have difficulty showing and expressing that love.

 

I've now lost her and she is in a very different place with the new man who she started things with before breakin us off. This hurts me to my very core. I've had to see her about our daughter a couple of times in the last few weeks and I still find her amazingly attractive and all my live for her has come rushing to the surface and I feel we dissolved our marriage too quickly without really trying to fix it - but she said it couldn't be fixed and that things had gone too far and that there were consequences for how I treated her.

 

I'm so genuinely sorry I lost my way. This is not what I intended and all I would like is the opportunity to put right these wrongs. For the last few months of our marriage I was grieving as my brother died and do worry she is looking at the last few months in isolation..

 

But I can't get her back and the situation I find myself in is killing me. I always have to work with my ex on our daughter and I feel I am always going to love her and that I have ruined the best thing I have ever had in my life. I don't want to find anyone else as I don't think anyone could come close to my ex in my eyes at least. I'm just so sorry all this has happened. We've been apart from nearly 7 months and divorced approx 6 weeks

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Hi HUDSM, Sorry to hear about the break up. I feel your pain. My story is absolutely similar to yours. 11 years of marriage ended in divorce as she left me for someone else. I took all the blame for the break up at first. However, the way I look at it now is that there are 2 people in the relationship and a conversation between 2 of them could take place sooner rather than later. My ex told me she stopped loving me a year before the break up, so I presume she was out of the relationship well before I even could notice any red flags. There is nothing can be done to rectify this. No matter how painful this is, you must move on. All the best.

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Hi HUDSM.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. My ex-husband walked out on me and our 3 children after 12 years of marriage for OW so I know only too well what it feels like.

 

I know you are looking back over the marriage and seeing where YOU went wrong but there were two of you in this marriage and your wife didn't exactly try to make things work either, did she? Bearing in mind how much love you have for your ex-wife, if you had felt that things weren't going as well as they should be you would have tried to put things right wouldn't you? Communication is key to any working marriage. If you love someone you would fear losing them and you would pull out all the stops to make things better. Your wife didn't, she upped and left without giving you or the marriage a chance. That is NOT your failing, that is her failing. You were grieving for your brother after all.

 

Stop blaming yourself because that probably isn't helping.

 

I know you are in a horrible place right now and I know that you can't imagine meeting and falling in love with someone else but it DOES happen. I can vouch for that. When I did meet someone else I was able to look back on my marriage and realise that it actually wasn't as good as I thought it was.

 

You will get through this, I promise. You just have to have faith. If I can do it, so can you.

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If she based her final decision due to her isolation because you were grieving, then that is very selfish on her part. I lost my brother a few years ago, and that was the worst experience of my life. It's only natural to back off from everything and everyone during those times. Don't feel guilty for focusing on yourself at that time. She should've been supportive of your feelings at that time.

 

I have never been married, but my parents were divorced. I would've loved to have experienced "FAMILY" life as they divorced when I was a baby. Now that I'm older, and I see how different my parent's are, I realize it probably wouldn't have been the healthiest environment. Yeah it would've been great to have them both around, but it would've been awful to see them unhappy and arguing all the time. They probably would've been miserable. Sometimes you don't see things clearly when they're so fresh. It takes time. It will take you a long time, especially since you have to see her because there are children involved. You have to "SEE" that she wanted to end it. I don't know what happened between you two, but she could've tried to seek counseling and tried to work it out, but she didn't. She was on her own team at that point. I'm sorry. I bet it's difficult. When I lost my brother I read a lot of books on death and loss, and I remember reading that going through a divorce is almost like dealing with death. It's hard for me to imagine, but I can understand how that can be so. You're grieving the death of this relationship. You have to let that person go. Understand that it's going to be hard for a long time, but that you're not alone in this. Divorce rates are so high. This happens to so many people, everyday.

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If she based her final decision due to her isolation because you were grieving, then that is very selfish on her part. I lost my brother a few years ago, and that was the worst experience of my life. It's only natural to back off from everything and everyone during those times. Don't feel guilty for focusing on yourself at that time. She should've been supportive of your feelings at that time.

 

I totally agree with this.

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Hudson, There's no greater pain. You still have a long road ahead of you... so does your ex.

 

The best you can hope for is; tomorrow, learn from your mistakes and to then help others.

 

- Get up today and start a new life.

- Purchase Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" Learn about wives/women so you don't make the same mistakes. (Yes - You will!)

- Help me/us to explain to future male posters who come here what you learned.

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So sorry you are going through this.

 

My ex husband left our marriage after 17 years together for someone he met online. I grieved for 3 years but now I look back and see how dysfunctional our relationship was. My ex was not happy in our marriage, he was not happy out of it- he has carried along his own portion of his problems. He is in a new relationship and I honestly feel sorry for that woman because I see a similar pattern.

 

My guess is that your ex is similar.

 

In time I realized what a relief it was to be free of my relationship with someone so dysfunctional.

 

Some things for you to think about- you are going through some major grief right now with the death of your brother and the death of your marriage. Have patience and compassion for yourself.

 

She was turning things around to blame you but honestly she was the one who walked away from you and your relationship in your time of grief. My husband walked away from me and right after I was diagnosed with cancer. In the end we are better off without a spouse who is so self centered that they do not support us in our most extreme times of need.

 

Yes, you will miss the companionship. But when you begin to miss the good parts of her then remember the bad parts too. For her to jump right into another relationship so quickly- I really wonder if she had met this guy before the end of your marriage. At the very least, she is a person that gives up rather than work things out, so your marriage was doomed.

 

Focus on healing your heart and your grief. Find a grief support group in your area and you may find some strength in talking with others while you heal.

 

Focus on improving yourself like going to the gym, sprucing up your looks, eating healthy, getting good sleep, keeping your living space clean-- structure and routine help.

 

Focus on being the very best father you can be. Go to all school conferences, be active and informed of all medical needs, improve your parenting skills if needed, and call your daughter during the time she is with her mother to touch base and to tell her you love her. It is difficult for children going through this and they need to be reassured.

 

Make sure your child receives counseling to get through this if needed.

 

It can be difficult when you have children involved, because you still have to be in contact with the other parent. You are tied together as parents forever. To get through it, I focus conversations ONLY on our kids and if the conversation steers elsewhere I change it back or cut it short. This used to infuriate my ex, but I had to take care of myself so I could heal.

 

Many conversations regarding my kids takes place via email or text. That way I can keep it to the point and it is clear communication in writing.

 

In time your heart will heal. It will take time and some active healing work on your part- but you WILL come to a place of acceptance if you do the work and recognize the place of grief you are in right now. You'll get there!

 

Keep coming here for support. You will have good days and bad ones but at some point you will notice you are having more good days and fewer bad days. It just takes time to work it all through.

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I want to thank you all for your contributions, advice and positivity!

 

It is really refreshing to see such wisdom and also that I'm not alone.

 

A bit more information! My ex wife, whom I still love and adore, did the same to their previous with me. We were carrying on for a few months ten years ago before she moved on from her previous to me. I am now in the same position and it feels as though she just keeps moving on up and what she may think as better.....but I have no hard evidence of this.....just feelings. This makes me feel a bit of a hypocrite but at the time she was 22, I was 29 and there were no marriages, no children, no homes or belongings shared and it is how many people come together, regrettably.

 

So I suppose I knew from the start she was capable and quickly in I got another reality of this by some SMS messages on her phone I saw...and that went on for a while. It seems she is always pushing for something else or cannot refuse male attention?

 

There is definitely someone else and that's hard. I've read in this site about the no contact rule....which I only wish I could have but we share a little girl who is a wonderful daughter to us both and she is a good mum. I do find it hard the other man beig in my daughters live after a few short months.

 

What i really struggle with is the term move on. What does this mean? I am low on confidence and have been crushed by this loss. I have lost a lot of weight and have started exercise in a good way to keep it off. Running and DVD programmes as I just don't want to put on the 2 stone I've lost. I'm a shy person, approaching 40 and am bald so I couldn't ever, ever approach a woman I don't know or ask on a date. It feels as though my life is over and I just can't piece this together...

 

I thank you again for your support and best wishes

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I forgot to mention that finding someone else is absolutely not an option for me. Not for now and for the foreseeable future. I don't know how long this will take me to break - but it will be long. I couldn't entertain being with another woman while I feel this way....which I know is only how I feel and not my ex....but it's going to take me a long time to stop loving her - if ever. At the moment, I would rather be alone than with another woman.

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Thanks Lester. What is the book you refer to and what is it you think I'm feeling?

 

I have read Jim Smokes "growing through divorce" which was helpful in places.

 

I have found this place very helpful - so will keep coming back!

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Around Christmas she came one night and told me the marriage was over and I didn't see this coming. We separated and were divorced within six months including all the financial arrangements. I never wanted any if this but felt I had to go ahead with it as she had met someone else and was insistent this was the end so I did what she wanted, quick and easy divorce and got trough it trying to protect myself.

 

There was nothing you could have done to save this. It may take two to make a marriage, but it only takes one to break it - and she walked out on you. It's horrible that people will do this to each other, but they do. You didn't ruin anything, you simply never had what you thought you had in the first place.

 

It's only been just not that this has all happened, give it some time and in a year, trust me, you'll feel a lot better about it - I hope!

 

You put all your love into your daughter and forget about the woman who isn't there.

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I What i really struggle with is the term move on. What does this mean? I am low on confidence and have been crushed by this loss. I have lost a lot of weight and have started exercise in a good way to keep it off. Running and DVD programmes as I just don't want to put on the 2 stone I've lost. I'm a shy person, approaching 40 and am bald so I couldn't ever, ever approach a woman I don't know or ask on a date. It feels as though my life is over and I just can't piece this together...

 

I thank you again for your support and best wishes

 

It means you have to go find yourself, rebuild who you are, get back your confidence, and find that man who will be attractive to others again. There's still women out there who would love to be with the man you're capable of being, it's just a matter of you getting back to being that man. Right now, you're grieving over a dead spouse - until that grief is spent, you'll be less than desirable. but once that's past, hey, there's plenty of women who are looking for that man. You did it before, you can do it again!

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I'm so sorry for the pain. Definitely glad you made it to ENA!

 

This whole thing isn't going to feel better for awhile. While the advice to put your energy into your child, improving your life, etc is great there's just frankly going to be moments that suck for a long time. What I can nearly promise you, though, is that things will get better. Maybe not soon but really, one day the pain will be less overwhelming. Then another day you'll realize you've made it to the afternoon without thinking of her. It's slow but it does get better.

 

In the meantime, I'd recommend a few sites. link removed is fantastic. He used to write exclusively for men, but has now started talking to both genders but he's amazing at really helping you focus on who/what/where you are in the now. John Kim (aka: The Angry Therapist) has a regularly meeting community *just* for people trying to sort through the wreckage after a broken relationship, on his site in general is some of the best material Ive ever seen in understanding whats inside of us during times of struggle.

 

Also, Id very much recommend tuning into a spiritual community. Maybe one of The Big Four (I'm a Christian myself). Maybe Buddhism. Maybe meditation. Maybe yoga. Whatever source makes sense for you to be reminded that regardless of what any other human being says or does, you are loved and valuable and part of a much bigger picture on the planet. Being in a community of folks focused on their version of that "something bigger" and dedicated to growing and understanding of themselves + the world around us will do so much for your outlook and perspective. Just stepping back and seeing that you're an awesome piece of a pretty rockin' universe.

 

Finally, please have faith that you *are* good enough and you likely *will* meet someone again. I'm totally with you on the idea that it may take forever to desire someone else...for me, it's been 2 whole years since the man I loved most cheated on me and I still struggle to emotionally get it up for anyone else. eesh. But know that there is probably someone else out there that will be interested when you're ready. On top of all the existing crap from this situation, don't add something unnecessary. When you're ready, you'll probably turn out okay on the dating front. Maybe focus on hitting the gym, advancing your career, boosting your sense of self self just for you in the meantime. You'll start noticing a difference in the way people, namely women, perceive you. Seriously. Things will gel when you're ready.

 

Keep talking to us here, we're in your corner. Get support, be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.

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Thanks Lester. What is the book you refer to and what is it you think I'm feeling?

 

I have read Jim Smokes "growing through divorce" which was helpful in places.

 

I have found this place very helpful - so will keep coming back!

 

You're grieving and it's no different than if she had died. Smalley's book will help you to understand women so you don't make the same mistakes again. (Your benign, tepid reaction to her leaving was a mistake. She expected you to fight for her... you didn't and that was your mistake.)

 

Why learn now you may think? In time Kud you will want/find another wife. Rebound/revenge wives can happen in days, months! It's how a broken uninformed man finds temporary peace.

 

These second marriages have a much greater chance of failure than the first because the same problem is compounded with a likely incompatible second wife.

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Thanks Lester. I'm sorry if it came accross that I just walked away as that's not the case. I was in the marital home for a month seeing her twice a day when she came back from her folks. That's when I left as I realised her mind was made up and me seeing her twice a day and pleading with her was killing me..

 

After nearly a month of her not moving (because she was with someone else) I couldn't carry on and left.

 

The grieving analogy I see. But if it was a death I would have a defined end and the process day to day would be easier. Here she is walking around with someone else - and they're with my daughter. That's crushing me

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Her mind wasn't made up... and she is still wondering what she did. (You can't wipe any dishonor with a tissue.)

 

I saved my marriage with Smalley and James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Yes buy this book Kud... your not going to like it but you must read it.)

These books coupled with a action plan pulled my wife right out of my "ex-friends" grip.

 

It could still be doable for you but you are now the problem, not her. (Pride/honor)

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I couldn't entertain being with another woman while I feel this way....which I know is only how I feel and not my ex....but it's going to take me a long time to stop loving her - if ever. At the moment, I would rather be alone than with another woman.

 

That is fine. That is the way it should be ... until you are ready for love again.

 

I am in the same boat as you right now. I am not over my ex and I am NOT ready to date. I don't know when I will be. I don't have any time constraints. It will be when it will be. All I know is that I have loved and lost many times and that I will love again. Having that faith helps. Until that time I am content with being alone, working through my pain and waiting for my heart to fix itself ... and, to be honest, even when it is fixed I think it needs a well deserved break. So, no, a new man is not part of my agenda for a long time to come and I am OK with that.

 

When a heart is broken, it is like anything, it simply cannot function properly. Time is the only healer here and, in time, it slowly put's itself back together. Piece by piece, as we face new obstacles and challenges in our journey forwards. When it is back together again and fully functioning, it will be ready to receive love. Until that time it is not even worth thinking about.

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I'm glad it worked for you Lester but I don't think it's going to work for me. I tried again this week and that's how I ended up here.

 

I again told her exactly how I felt about her and what I wanted to do but she didnt move.

 

I don't have any pride or honour issues. I am crushed by what's happened. My self esteem is on the floor. If I could do anything to get her back I would. Literally anything and I've told her this. She's is a different place and our old neighbour has said she has moved on.

 

She's admitted to me how hard a decision it was for her but feels it is the right thing for her.

 

I'm stuck with no where to go in this situation

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I'm not trying to help you get her back. Could it happen? Of course it could but you most likely woundn't want her once it did

 

You said, "I again told her exactly how I felt about her and what I wanted to do but she didnt move."

- This is a good example of the mistakes you made. You're not at the lost and found... she only views this as weakness.

 

What to do if you are to have any hope with any woman/wife/exwife:

Buy/read the books! (Never let her/any women see them)

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Kudson, the books are not just for married men, there for all men. Granted, their are some who had great role models/teachers and now have solid marriages because of it; sixty percent of us most likely didn't or were to "man" to listen.

 

You've been given the opportunity to understand your Mother, Sisters, Daughter and most of the women you will meet.

Don't waste it by chasing your reactions.

 

 

Helpful hints:

- Keep coming back for coaching.

- Don't call/talk to your ex anymore. (Only for the kid, be nice but don't waste time on her.)

- Don't lose too much weight. Eat cookies. etc.

- Slowly start buying new clothing. Throw out something old today.

- Do not spy on her... do not think about her.

- Read Smalley and begin to practice on your mom. (When she talks listen and look in her eyes. When she's done only nod, but keep listening! She not done!)

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