I need serious help....

my relationship with my parents was good, then for a period of time was a little strained, now it's back to good. I'm working really hard on my relationship with my mom, which had always been kinda bad, now it's something that I like! I'm proud of that.

I want to make more time for them. As in, seeing them once a week or weekend. I currently don't do that and it's more sporadic but I want that to change. They live 30 min away but I can drive.

My boyfriend doesn't have a real issue with my mom, but is confused as to why I'm trying to mend things. He hates my father for reasons I don't feel like going into. He feels that me being around my father is bad for me, ultimately. Weird Childhood stuff. Yes, I'm in therapy. My boyfriend doesn't think it's working.

My boyfriend is cut off from his family. I don't think he understands how I feel. I think it is easier for him to say to cut people off.

The truth is I'm not willing to cut off either of them. And I hardly think spending a day with them once a week either with or without him is asking much. He can stay home if he wants.

A lot of his friends either moved away and are losers that ye doesn't want to hang out with. I honestly think if he had some friends or even guys he could call up, this wouldn't as much of an issue.

I want to make plans to see my parents in a few days. I want to spend part of the day with them alone and then have dinner with them and he can come if he wants. I feel like crying when I think about telling him my plans. I know he isn't going to be happy. He took off that day off of work but we aren't planning on doing anything so I may as well go see them, right?

How do I communicate to him that this is something that is not negotiable for me and that I want to see them?

I have tried to explain to him, how I like being around them, how things have changed, etc. He doesn't budge.

Please help me. I'm about to burst into tears.

I'm sorry that you're about to burst into tears.

I think since your BF is more the "walk away" type than the "work it out" type (have you talked about this difference in styles between you at all?), you'll continue to encounter resistance on this. It seems like he wants you to be in the same boat with him so you can commiserate over having to cut off your families. If you've already explained how you feel to him, all you can really do is just tell him basically what you say here, that this is not negotiable and that it is important to you. I would add that his behavior is upsetting you and making you feel like less of a team, and that it is hurting the relationship. Maybe that will jar him into respecting your style of dealing with difficult family.

There are of course times when someone absolutely should cut contact with family, but in your case, seems like working things out is an option. It is easier to walk away, but more rewarding to try to work it out, in my opinion. Props.

See, I am actually more of the walk away type but when it comes to my intermediate family, I do not want to walk away. Most of the time, I agree with him on walking but not this. I am okay with him bring cut off from his family because they are mean, bad people. He would argue the same of my father but the truth is, there is no evidence and I'm getting to a point where I'm growing as a human being and just want to have a healthier relationship with everyone, despite the past. Things are better now! Not his style in any sense.

I want to bring up the "This is making me unhappy and feel less of a team in our relationship" but I am afraid he will throw it right back at me. This is truly the one issue we keep revisiting and he has told me before that he wonders if it will cause a BU far down the road. See what I mean? I know he would not break up with me now and wants to stay with me long term.

I just feel like I have to choose and it makes me cry.

We are having a mutual therapy session with his therapist to talk about this very issue. I'm hoping the therapist will side with me and tell him to lay off.

II am truly okay with him not visiting my family with me. I would never drag him into that. But he can't stop me from seeing my family. He can't make me feel bad about it. I am putting my foot down on this issue.

You just go to see your family. He doesn't have to like it.

I'm planning to, Vic. But what do I tell him? What do I do if he gets angry?

He truly does believe that me seeing my dad hurts me and is bad for me.

Then try not to "dump" on him when you get back. He cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurt.

Tell him you need to try...but.will evaluate after a few visits...and then come back with good.progress reports.

Then try not to "dump" on him when you get back. He cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurt.

Tell him you need to try...but.will evaluate after a few visits...and then come back with good.progress reports.

I agree. Only tell him good things about your vists. Express how you are growing as a positive person.

I will try to do that. I have said nothing negative about my parents to him for months. He admits that things have changed with my dad but he still doesn't think it will be good for me because he doesn't think you can reform that sort of stuff.

I call my dad in the car when I'm not with my boyfriend. Just so I don't have to hear it. Sigh.

My visits are 100% positive these days and I am happy they are supporting me a lot emotionally and otherwise. I like calling my dad in the morning after I'm done with work. I like seeing my mom after work before she goes in and we get coffee.

II wish he could just chill.

It will get better. He is just being protective...that is a good.trait in a SO.

I hope so. I do think he is doing this out of a place of worry. Not possessiveness. He doesn't care if I see my friends, just as long as I tell him when I'll be gone so he doesn't plan anything with me.

How do I make him see that things can change?

More detail, my father and I were very emotionally close. He was rocky with my mom for a time and badmouthed her constantly to me. Now their marriage is better and my mom is better. My father and I had a very close dynamic that some call inappropriate but it's not there anymore. we are still close. I'm still a "Daddy's girl" but now I love my mom too. I say I love you to both.

How do I make him understand?

One time, he told me he wasn't sure how long he could handle this situation. I wanted to tell him "If you try to make me cut him off, this won't end well for you" but I held my tongue. Now he is on antidepressants and seems better. We have not discussed it in a couple weeks

Very nervous.

By coming home in a great mood.and sharing the.positive things. Maybe in time he will join you on occasions.

This is one of those things you have to show him, not tell him.

I hope so. I do think he is doing this out of a place of worry. Not possessiveness. He doesn't care if I see my friends, just as long as I tell him when I'll be gone so he doesn't plan anything with me.

 

How do I make him see that things can change?

 

More detail, my father and I were very emotionally close. He was rocky with my mom for a time and badmouthed her constantly to me. Now their marriage is better and my mom is better. My father and I had a very close dynamic that some call inappropriate but it's not there anymore. we are still close. I'm still a "Daddy's girl" but now I love my mom too. I say I love you to both.

 

How do I make him understand?

I would tell him that parents are not perfect. He of all people should understand that. But I believe your dad is allowed to make mistakes. You're the one he made mistakes with not your boyfriend.

My husband is not particularly fond of my father either but he tolerates him for my sake. But your parents are by no means evil people. Your boyfriend needs to see the difference between people who make mistakes and those who are truly evil people. He is lumping everybody into the same category.

Yes he tends to lump everyone into that category. He is quick to say that I do that more than him and maybe I do, but not on this subject.

My parents were good to me and did their best. He lumps my dad into the same box as his mom when I get angry about it, he tells me that he thinks my dad brainwashed and that my dad doesn't really love me.

I seriously cry every time we talk about it because it's so painful to hear.

I hope the positive is enough. I really do.

Yes he tends to lump everyone into that category. He is quick to say that I do that more than him and maybe I do, but not on this subject.

 

My parents were good to me and did their best. He lumps my dad into the same box as his mom when I get angry about it, he tells me that he thinks my dad brainwashed and that my dad doesn't really love me.

 

I seriously cry every time we talk about it because it's so painful to hear.

 

I hope the positive is enough. I really do.

I would tell him he is SERIOUSLY overstepping his boundaries. I seriously doubt that your father is like his mother. I can tell you are learning proper boundaries in your therapy and it has made you by far a happier person. Learning proper boundaries too will help you reshape the relationship with your father and make it better and with your mother. I believe your family has every hope of putting people in their proper boundaries. His family has no hope whatsoever. And he is trying to lump your family in together with his. Maybe he doesn't want to feel alone with having no family. But that is no reason to cut you off from yours.

That is how I feel. My therapist days it's possible. I believe it is. I've already made changes.

I feel bad that his family was such a bunch of miserable worms but I struggle with the lumping business here.

We are a lot alike in many ways but we are not the same.

Fudgie- I'm so sorry you're so upset about this. But you need to spend time with your parents if that's what you want to do. I'm seriously worried about your relationship if something as natural as wanting to have a relationship with your family is causing this much strain between you and your bf. It's really good that you have been working on having appropriate boundaries with your dad. But this post makes me think that you also need to think about boundaries with your boyfriend.

He should not be telling you that your dad doesn't love you and making you cry about seeing your family. That is a textbook example of isolating behavior, and honestly is very worrisome.

It's honestly just my dad. If my parents were separated and I were just seeing my mom he wouldn't care.

And he definitely doesn't care if I go out with my friends, male or female.

I definitely understand how it's concerning. It is to me too. Seeing one's parents is a very natural, wanted thing. And yes he's got issues but I wouldn't say he isolates me because he doesn't have a problem with me seeing or calling anyone else... Just my dad.

We are going to an intensive therapy session together soon for this very issue. I'm so nervous/upset over it that I feel like I need to poop every time I even think about it. I don't want to go. I just want him to accept it and leave it alone.

The reason why I'm so upset that is that if he gives me an ultimatum and the therapist supports him doing that, I need to start mentally preparing myself to end this relationship. My heart will break and I will move back home to my parents. I don't want that but if he backs me into a corner, I have no choice.

No therapist should support an ultimatum based on assumed information.

I hope you're right. He would be insane to support this.

Wish us luck.

Good luck!

Well, we went.

I pretty much melted down 10 seconds into the session but our conversation was pretty productive. The therapist led N a little and really questioned him in ways that made him look hard at what he's doing. I said something about the whole situation that hurt N and made him recoil, but he understood where I was coming from. He agrees that he needs to be flexible.

Overall I think it was super helpful.

I love him and I want us to work past this. This is the only real issue that reminds between us. It is so big though, that it's affecting us in how we see a future together. If we can get this worked out, we can do anything and I would seriously consider marrying him in 8-10 years.

Oh and I'm seeing my parents this weekend. He is not coming because he has other stuff to do. And that's okay! I'm happy to see them. Going to try to see them more now on the weekends now that it's nice out!

So does N understand what he's doing is wrong? Did the therapist change their mind once they knew what you had to say?

His therapist told me that he thinks I should continue my own therapy but ultimately what happens with my family is my own business, that is, it's up to me to decide what the relationships will be. This is not an issue of me forcing N to spend time with them. I don't care; he can stay at home. But the therapist agreed with me that it's not right for N to berate my choices.

The therapist brought up N's past and said that mental flexibility was a sign of mental wellness, and N may not be flexible now because of his past and his own mental issues. As soon as he said that, I slapped the chair I was in many times and was like "Oh thank GOD you said that!"

Therapist thinks the ultimatum isn't right and won't end well so I feel like he sided with me. N felt okay with this though because he felt like his feelings were heard of.

Ultimately, I reminded N that while I detest his grandparents, I don't berate him for occasionally going over. I'll stay home and watch Netflix while they wonder why they don't see me, but it's his choice to go and I don't say crap..... I deserve the same respect. He said he was sorry.

This will be an ongoing issue and I don't consider it resolved at this point.

I'm seeing my family tomorrow!

Ah ha I did not figure any therapist felt it was ok for him to give you ultimatums. I thought that was BS. At least you both got to be heard. And I agree you DO deserve the same respect not to be berated for your choices. And I agree being flexible IS a great sign of mental wellness.