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Thread: My boyfriend has no reason not to trust me, but still he doesn't

  1. #1
    rin287

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    My boyfriend has no reason not to trust me, but still he doesn't

    I have been going out with a guy who is 11 years older than I am for about two months. At first everything seemed okay, but all of a sudden he started to show disapproval of everything I do at work. He started telling me that I am having an affair with my boss, when in reality I rarely even see him, let alone..

    My boss and me have a respectful relationship, he is like my second father. I look up to him but not in that sense! It is even making me uneasy when he comes into my office for any particular reason. My boyfriend is either complaining that I don't text him that much because I'm doing something wrong with my boss, or even telling me that I am dressed indecently, when I have everything covered up!

    I know that he has trust issues because in a past relationship his ex cheated on him with a colleague, but heck, I'm not like that! I don't know what to do. He seems to get upset easily, especially when texting, for no apparent reason. Well, I am 26, not exactly the immature type a younger girl could be. I know this is not normal, but apart from leaving him, is there anything else I can do for this guy? I mean, he is otherwise very caring, generous and helps me in every little thing I ask him to. Other than the above, there is nothing I dislike about him.

    Can you please help me? It's making me really uneasy and driving me crazy!

  2. #2
    ~Seraphim ~
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    I think it's time to break up with that boyfriend. He has not resolved his past baggage. He has not resolved his past baggage with his with his ex and he's projecting it onto you and making it YOUR problem. He is attributing to you qualities that she had. You have only been together for two months and he's already treating you like you're his piece of property to tell what to do. Don't stand for that just break up. He will always be accusing you of something and trying to control you because he hasn't made peace with his past. None of that is worth it for two months. In my honest opinion you should just call it a day and break up.

    HE has to fix himself. You cannot do that for him. There is nothing that you can do that will change his mind he has to do that for himself.

  3. #3
    Furbys
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    There really isnt anything you can do. He is the one with trust issues and he needs to deal with these himself. Nothing you do will make him trust you.

    You can always try talking to him and making it clear that if he doesnt trust you and keeps accusing you that you will leave. There is no point staying in a relationship when there is no trust.

  4. #4
    Snny
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    I agree with the above posters. He crosses the line of being controlling when he tries to tell you how to dress and is complaining you are not in contact with your boss frequently. If these problems are present after dating him from two months, it's going to get worse.

    Not much you can do here. he has to work on his own trust issues.

  5. #5
    nutbrownhare
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    It's not just trust issues, but control issues he has here... trying to get you to feel 'guilty' is a way of keeping you on the back foot. I'd also guess that his trust issues were there before his ex cheated on him.

    It's only been two months, and this is alarmingly early in a relationship for this kind of possessiveness to be surfacing. There's nothing you can do for this guy; it can be tempting to think that if you only show him you care, you won't do anything to challenge his fragile sense of togetherness... all that, then everything will be fine and he'll feel secure.

    He won't. That's because the feelings of insecurity are coming from within him, and are nothing to do with you. You can try, and try, he will become more and more controlling, and one day you will find that you've given away your sense of self, many of your friends - especially any male ones - and your whole personality. I've had a couple of relationships like this, and it took a long time to get my confidence back. His 'caring', 'help' and the general nice guy stuff are there also as a form of control.

    Genuinely nice guys don't try to control their partners, or accuse them falsely, or try to get them to feel bad.

    Disentangle yourself as gently and quickly as you can, let him know that you're really not the girl for him - and RUN!!!

  6. #6
    ~Seraphim ~
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    Yes, you could tell him to go get himself sorted out and stop using you as his emotional punching bag. He is punishing you for for her misdeeds and his anger at her. Tell him he needs to stop doing that or you're gone. Maybe after he's lost a few girlfriends he will get the idea.

  7. #7
    rin287

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    Thank you all for your replies. I am staying strong, being affirmative and to the point. Even though sometimes it gets me a bit down, I will stand my ground knowing that I am genuine in my intentions and will not let him make me feel guilty or otherwise, which I know I'm not. I appreciate your kind comments, you have been most helpful.

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    Sparklesong
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    He's crossed over the line of "trust issues", he's just plain neurotic and controlling. I'd lay it on the line for him in no uncertain terms, and then if he doesn't quit, bye bye.

    It could be he has these "trust issues" because he's treated the other women he's been with the same way and they got fed up with it, too. Of course, it's not HIS fault, it's theirs. Sometimes people need to take responsibility for their own "trust issues" instead of using it as an excuse for acting like a jerk.

  9. #9
    metrogirl
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    It only gets worse from here.

    Pretty soon everything you do whether it's come your hair a different way or buy a new blouse, he will see it as you cheating. I would just go, go now before it gets completely out of control.

  10. #10
    bulletproof
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    Quote Originally Posted by rin287 [Register to see the link]
    I know that he has trust issues because in a past relationship his ex cheated on him with a colleague, but heck, I'm not like that!
    Never accept that as an excuse for bad behavior. If he's that screwed up from the past relationship, then tell him to see a therapist. There is no reason any of that should be carried on into your relationship with him.

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