My boyfriend has been lying to me about smoking weed

Okay, so I'm against smoking weed. My boyfriend knew that before we started dating. I knew he used to be into drugs and stuff before we met, but he told me that he realized that lifestyle is bad and he has quit everything. He told me he wouldn't do it again. We've been together for over a year and a half, and I just found out that he has been smoking weed.. only like 2 or 3 times a year. I know many of you will think thats not bad. But I dont care if it's only 2 to 3 times a year, I told him I dont want him to to it period. He's lied right to my face about it. I found out because him and my friend were talking online and I was sitting right there, but he obviously didnt know because he came out and said that. He told her he didnt want to tell me because he knew I'd want nothing to do with him if he continued doing it. My friend is also against it and she has a child so she told him that he wouldnt be able to come around her anymore if he continues and she said it all comes down to this, would you rather smoke weed 2 to 3 times a year or continue having a relationship with me and "Katerr" and my son. And he said he obviously doesnt want to lose us. But how can I trust that he's not going to do it again when he's told me that before and did it. How can I trust anything he says? My trust is completely broken, I have no idea if anything he's told me is a lie or not now. What do I do? And I can't talk to him about it because I wasn't supposed to read the conversation. I'm furious with him but have to pretend like I dont know... /: What do I do? How does one regain trust?

No you do not have to pretend you don't know. Stop the games.

He lied. And he certainly doesn't just do it 2-3x a year. I would bet he does it 2-3x a week.

It is very difficult to rebuild trust. And around the issue of drugs -- well nigh impossible. Drugs will win everytime and he will continue to lie.

Has he explained to YOU why he felt the need to lie?

"He knew I would want nothing to do with him if he continued doing it" and with that information he still chose to go ahead and do it. What's that tell you about his choices?

Okay, so I'm against smoking weed. My boyfriend knew that before we started dating.

Okay, he is pro smoking weed. You knew that before you started dating him. You two are likely incompatible.

QUOTE=it all comes down to this, would you rather smoke weed 2 to 3 times a year or continue having a relationship with me and "Katerr" and my son.QUOTE]

What is comes down to really, would he rather live his life as he sees fit or have his girlfriend dictate things to him.

I reiterate, you two are incompatible. Most men when faced with an ultimatum of any kind, will walk.

@Mhowe: Drugs will not "win" every time. There are thousand of reformed drug users and substance abusers out there.

@Mhowe: Drugs will not "win" every time. There are thousand of reformed drug users and substance abusers out there.

The relapse rate for drug addicts who have successfully completed a residential treatment program is 99%.

No, I didn't know he was pro smoking weed before we started dating. I thought he was against it too, he had said that he was

Okay, he is pro smoking weed. You knew that before you started dating him. You two are likely incompatible.

 

QUOTE=it all comes down to this, would you rather smoke weed 2 to 3 times a year or continue having a relationship with me and "Katerr" and my son.QUOTE]

 

What is comes down to really, would he rather live his life as he sees fit or have his girlfriend dictate things to him.

 

I reiterate, you two are incompatible. Most men when faced with an ultimatum of any kind, will walk.

 

@Mhowe: Drugs will not "win" every time. There are thousand of reformed drug users and substance abusers out there.

They will if the user has no desire to quit -- as the OP"s boyfriend. I was not referring to reformed drug users. I was referring to current drug users and their lies.

Okay, he is pro smoking weed. You knew that before you started dating him. You two are likely incompatible.

No, she didn't know that. He lied and said he didn't smoke weed. This isn't about compatibility, its about honesty.

This is true but the relapse rate is very high.

 

The relapse rate for drug addicts who have successfully completed a residential treatment program is 99%.

Sorry, I don't agree with those stats - if that is the case then why even bother with residential treatment - that is a truly dismal success rate.

If they have no desire to quit then its a moot point really. I mean, he's made his decision.

If they have no desire to quit then its a moot point really. I mean, he's made his decision.

This. Forget relapse rates. If he doesn't want to quit (and he clearly doesn't) then he's not going to.

Isn't it always about compatibility really?

Anyway, I misread about the part where he said he didn't smoke, I understood he said he'd stopped at her request.

If you "knew he was into drugs ands stuff" before you met, then while he may not be "pro pot" he certainly wasn't against it.

"My friend is also against it and she has a child so she told him that he wouldnt be able to come around her anymore if he continues and she said it all comes down to this, would you rather smoke weed 2 to 3 times a year or continue having a relationship with me and "Katerr" and my son." - I'm not sure why your friend really has so much klout in the relationship??

mhowe- I disagree. Some people only enjoy smoking weed a few times a year.

OP, what about it bothers you? do you not want him to be under the influence around you or just not use it in general?

What are your reasons for disliking the use?

Aside from all that, it is wrong that he lied. No question about that. Examine why he felt the need to lie. Decide for yourself if you can move forward from the dishonesty.

Untreated addiction, even if it's psychological addiction, will win every time. For every former substance abuser, there is another current user who has already lost families, jobs, homes, health, even their lives because they were not willing to stop. The addiction is bigger than they are, it will win until they make the decision to seek treatment and do what they have to do to manage their recovery and stay clean.

But that's another story.

To the OP, we don't have all the information or his side of the story. If it truly is just an innocent, had a few toots pot-smoking 2-3 times a year, and things are good otherwise, you're right, I don't have much problem with that,

But if less-than-absolute honesty is a deal-breaker for you, then forget about regaining trust and move on, because if he did lie about it, you will never be able to regain that kind of trust, you're always going to wonder. And he did lie about it.

The biggest issue for me is, you have a child that it is your ultimate responsibility to protect and raise to be a decent adult. If you think there is any chance that he could be lying about the 2-3 times a year, or has other issues like drinking excessively, or using other more hard core drugs, or if he's dealing drugs, or if he has friends of questionable moral values when it comes to drugs, any of which could put your child in danger, then you need to move on and remove your child from that situation.

Sorry, I don't agree with those stats - if that is the case then why even bother with residential treatment - that is a truly dismal success rate.

The reason they continue is that relapse does not mean permanent drug addiction, it can take multiple attempts. But the main reason is that the cost of one place in a treatment program is far less than the cost of a prison term and the other costs of anti-social behaviour caused by drug addiction, such as shelters, methadone programs, diversion programs etc, overall it is cost-effective and societally effective, despite the apparently dismal results.

And, as others have pointed out, he has to want to quit.

Relapse could also mean a one time isolated incident.... that makes 99% more fathomable.

Relapse could also mean a one time isolated incident.... that makes 99% more fathomable.

Anyway, don't want to get too far off-topic, but people who are involved with people who use, need to know what they are getting into.

@DN I should have said I was "surprised and saddened" by those stats. I don't have any first hand knowledge of this side of things.

Kudos to you have having the the faith at least.

I suppose we'd have to separate pot use stats from "hard drug" use stats

@DN I should have said I was "surprised and saddened" by those stats. I don't have any first hand knowledge of this side of things.

Kudos to you have having the the faith at least.

 

I suppose we'd have to separate pot use stats from "hard drug" use stats

I wouldn't goes as far as to say he is putting the drug before the relationship. I think he just did what a lot of people do and thats have it both ways.

I agree with Edmund. Also, how two people view a substance has a big impact on their actions. Someone who views MJ on the same level as cigarettes won't see eye to eye with how the OP sees it being "extreme" or maybe even similar to a hard drug.

You two need to have a serious talk about how much you don't want drugs, including weed, in you and your child's life. Say that you really see this relationship progressing long term, but it won't work unless he quits smoking. If he says anything other than that he will quit and want to be with you, then you have your answer. My gut tells me that he can either lie about quitting (as he lied about his usage in the past), or tell you that you are being unreasonable, weed is safe, there's nothing wrong, you are being paranoid, etc. If it's anything like the latter, you need to stand your ground and your beliefs and seriously rethink about the relationship as a whole and how much this will affect the quality of the relationship.

I agree with Edmund. Also, how two people view a substance has a big impact on their actions. Someone who views MJ on the same level as cigarettes won't see eye to eye with how the OP sees it being "extreme" or maybe even similar to a hard drug.

This is true. I haven't smoked in many months due to personal reasons (I truly, at most, only do it about 2-3x a year) but I see weed as the same as alcohol - don't do it and drive, be an adult, don't do it around kids (I believe it's irresponsible for parents to get drunk around children, or smoke weed around them), don't be stupid/loud, and ideally, keep it at home. I don't see it as the same level as crack or heroin, but I understand that some people do.

OP, if you really don't want ANY drugs whatsoever in you or your partner's life, then don't date this man. If he wants to smoke some weed now and again, then that's his choice but I don't think you're going to win this one.

This is true. I haven't smoked in many months due to personal reasons (I truly, at most, only do it about 2-3x a year) but I see weed as the same as alcohol - don't do it and drive, be an adult, don't do it around kids (I believe it's irresponsible for parents to get drunk around children, or smoke weed around them), don't be stupid/loud, and ideally, keep it at home. I don't see it as the same level as crack or heroin, but I understand that some people do.

 

OP, if you really don't want ANY drugs whatsoever in you or your partner's life, then don't date this man. If he wants to smoke some weed now and again, then that's his choice but I don't think you're going to win this one.

I agree. I do not consider it the same as herion addiction. I gave up smoking weed (and tobacco on the same day) 5 years ago after 15 + years of smoking it and had no withdrawral effects AT ALL.

To the OP- if he enjoys the smoke and the head you get from smoking it then it is unlikley he will give up for anyone. If he is a heavy user then think about ending it because it is likely that he is stoned around you. If he only smokes it socially with his friends, then consider if you can put up with it, putting boundaries in place (i.e. not ever to smoke it around you).

You're just incompatible. Hope you apply the same strictness towards people who drink alcohol because that is way worse than weed when you have experience with both.