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Thread: Does rational girlfriend mean she is settling?

  1. #1
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    Does rational girlfriend mean she is settling?

    I got into another argument with my girlfriend last night. Basically I started a discussion on whether we had a love at first sight or all rational relationship.

    I constantly question her love for me in one way or another and she is getting tired of it. Also, If she does not do what I think she should do (hug when I come in, text me during the day) I get angry and start a discussion.

    I am very much into her but he seems a lot more rational than me. She does not get jealous, she tells me to do more activities, she sometime shows little interest in my things. On the good side she is committed, she wants to buy a condo with me...but I feel that she is always in control of her emotions unless I trigger an episode.

    Anyways, her answer was that we had a short lived love at first sight moment (4 days) then she says she came back to her senses.

    We have been together for 11 months (live with her for 6 months already). She tells me that her love for me is different than before because she loves me but she can function in life.

    I took it like if with me she is less into me than her former boyfriends so now she is more rational. She had told me once that before she would overthink in her previous relationships.

    Do I make sense or am i just making a bid deal out of nothing and had low self esteem.
    Last edited by johndoe13; 06-17-2013 at 09:56 AM.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    I think love should be rational. You can live in a constant state of butterflies, love at first sight, etc.... Love at first sight is infatuation, it's not real lasting love. I'd listen to her and work on getting your self confidence up.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Life is about creating balance. Even in a romantic relationship you should have balance. People are supposed to have outside interests and friends even if they are in a romantic relationship that's what I mean by balance. One person cannot be the end-all and be all of your whole life. What happens if they leave you ? What happens if they die? Then you will have no outside support system. Then you get into those situations where people think they're going to die of depression or commit suicide because they don't have that ONE person. So ,yes ,everybody needs outside friends ,interest and support.

    As for her needing to give you a hug the second she comes in the door why is that? Can't she say come in the door sit down her stuff and relax for half an hour and then give you a hug? When people come home from work they like to decompress for a bit. And then they are more in tuned to be giving.

    As far as texting you during the day how about if she text you once to let you know she's okay and she is thinking of you?

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    Gold Member Iakasot's Avatar
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    Yes, she's settling, she's not as into you as she was into her exes. Most likely you are a steadier provider than her exes, saying she wants to buy a condo with you is a big red flag. Also, if sex dies in a relationship, kissing is the next thing to go, then hugging, then they break up with you once they're too overcome with guilt of leading you on, or too bitter of staying with someone they don't want for so long. You said she has emotional outbursts sometimes, I'm guessing they're negative not positive, it could be that bitterness coming out. I'd seriously reconsider her commitment, because to me it seems like the commitment isn't to YOU as a person, but to the stability you provide.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Doc Blaze's Avatar
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    I do think that your into her more than she is into you. you cant force love...you cant force someone to give you a hug or text you daily, they have to want to do it themselves...

    and constantly bringing it up all the time while actually do the opposite and push farther away.

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    Super Moderator agent's Avatar
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    I constantly question her love for me in one way or another and she is getting tired of it. Also, If she does not do what I think she should do (hug when I come in, text me during the day) I get angry and start a discussion.
    She can't be that rational, because she is putting up with some seriously rubbish behaviour on your part.

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    Just to add. I'm the one who usually starts the fights...basically I always tell her something that bothers me about what she did or did not do...but it all comes down to a feeling that she is in more control than I am; the negative things that pop in my head:
    - She decides to work on days when we could both meet; she wants me to do more activities on my own
    - She rarely texts me unless she needs something
    - I catch her glacing at handsome guys passing by; but she does stare at everybody
    - She rarely asks me questions about my family, my hobbies, my day
    - She has never said you are the best boyfriend...at this and that...
    - She has a hard time telling me how she feels about me on her own
    - She sometimes does not seems to respect me

    What she does do is:
    Cook for me
    Touches me
    Has sex with me (2-3 times a week)
    Commited to buying a condo with me
    Tells me she loves me
    I know her family

    I constantly have a gutt feeling telling me to be careful. So I am frequently on my toes.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Iakasot's Avatar
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    Just because she has sex with you doesn't mean she's into you. How into the sex does she get? If she does it "as a favor", then it's not real affection, also if she's detached and too much into her own pleasure rather than the connection you two have during sex, then, again, it's not real affection.

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    Super Moderator agent's Avatar
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    Johndoe - When conversations turn into rows, people stop talking. When your partner accuses you of not loving them, of preferring other partners to them, you stop respecting them.

    How often do you ask her about her day without turning it being something passive-aggressive?


    But your behavior is shutting her off from you. Which in turn freaks you out. Which shuts her down, which freaks you out.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by agent
    Johndoe - When conversations turn into rows, people stop talking. When your partner accuses you of not loving them, of preferring other partners to them, you stop respecting them.

    How often do you ask her about her day without turning it being something passive-aggressive?


    But your behavior is shutting her off from you. Which in turn freaks you out. Which shuts her down, which freaks you out.
    I agree.

    If your criteria for a mate is someone who is supremely expressive go pick that kind of person don't pick a person who is more reserved. Some people are naturally more reserved that doesn't make them wrong it just makes them the wrong person for you. If you want a person who fawns all over you go find that kind of person. Often it is not the other person that is lacking , it is our skills in finding the people that suit our needs.

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