Does rational girlfriend mean she is settling?

I got into another argument with my girlfriend last night. Basically I started a discussion on whether we had a love at first sight or all rational relationship.

I constantly question her love for me in one way or another and she is getting tired of it. Also, If she does not do what I think she should do (hug when I come in, text me during the day) I get angry and start a discussion.

I am very much into her but he seems a lot more rational than me. She does not get jealous, she tells me to do more activities, she sometime shows little interest in my things. On the good side she is committed, she wants to buy a condo with me...but I feel that she is always in control of her emotions unless I trigger an episode.

Anyways, her answer was that we had a short lived love at first sight moment (4 days) then she says she came back to her senses.

We have been together for 11 months (live with her for 6 months already). She tells me that her love for me is different than before because she loves me but she can function in life.

I took it like if with me she is less into me than her former boyfriends so now she is more rational. She had told me once that before she would overthink in her previous relationships.

Do I make sense or am i just making a bid deal out of nothing and had low self esteem.

I think love should be rational. You can live in a constant state of butterflies, love at first sight, etc.... Love at first sight is infatuation, it's not real lasting love. I'd listen to her and work on getting your self confidence up.

Life is about creating balance. Even in a romantic relationship you should have balance. People are supposed to have outside interests and friends even if they are in a romantic relationship that's what I mean by balance. One person cannot be the end-all and be all of your whole life. What happens if they leave you ? What happens if they die? Then you will have no outside support system. Then you get into those situations where people think they're going to die of depression or commit suicide because they don't have that ONE person. So ,yes ,everybody needs outside friends ,interest and support.

As for her needing to give you a hug the second she comes in the door why is that? Can't she say come in the door sit down her stuff and relax for half an hour and then give you a hug? When people come home from work they like to decompress for a bit. And then they are more in tuned to be giving.

As far as texting you during the day how about if she text you once to let you know she's okay and she is thinking of you?

Yes, she's settling, she's not as into you as she was into her exes. Most likely you are a steadier provider than her exes, saying she wants to buy a condo with you is a big red flag. Also, if sex dies in a relationship, kissing is the next thing to go, then hugging, then they break up with you once they're too overcome with guilt of leading you on, or too bitter of staying with someone they don't want for so long. You said she has emotional outbursts sometimes, I'm guessing they're negative not positive, it could be that bitterness coming out. I'd seriously reconsider her commitment, because to me it seems like the commitment isn't to YOU as a person, but to the stability you provide.

I do think that your into her more than she is into you. you cant force love...you cant force someone to give you a hug or text you daily, they have to want to do it themselves...

and constantly bringing it up all the time while actually do the opposite and push farther away.

I constantly question her love for me in one way or another and she is getting tired of it. Also, If she does not do what I think she should do (hug when I come in, text me during the day) I get angry and start a discussion.

She can't be that rational, because she is putting up with some seriously rubbish behaviour on your part.

Just to add. I'm the one who usually starts the fights...basically I always tell her something that bothers me about what she did or did not do...but it all comes down to a feeling that she is in more control than I am; the negative things that pop in my head:

- She decides to work on days when we could both meet; she wants me to do more activities on my own

- She rarely texts me unless she needs something

- I catch her glacing at handsome guys passing by; but she does stare at everybody

- She rarely asks me questions about my family, my hobbies, my day

- She has never said you are the best boyfriend...at this and that...

- She has a hard time telling me how she feels about me on her own

- She sometimes does not seems to respect me

What she does do is:

Cook for me

Touches me

Has sex with me (2-3 times a week)

Commited to buying a condo with me

Tells me she loves me

I know her family

I constantly have a gutt feeling telling me to be careful. So I am frequently on my toes.

Just because she has sex with you doesn't mean she's into you. How into the sex does she get? If she does it "as a favor", then it's not real affection, also if she's detached and too much into her own pleasure rather than the connection you two have during sex, then, again, it's not real affection.

Johndoe - When conversations turn into rows, people stop talking. When your partner accuses you of not loving them, of preferring other partners to them, you stop respecting them.

How often do you ask her about her day without turning it being something passive-aggressive?

But your behavior is shutting her off from you. Which in turn freaks you out. Which shuts her down, which freaks you out.

Johndoe - When conversations turn into rows, people stop talking. When your partner accuses you of not loving them, of preferring other partners to them, you stop respecting them.

 

How often do you ask her about her day without turning it being something passive-aggressive?

 

 

But your behavior is shutting her off from you. Which in turn freaks you out. Which shuts her down, which freaks you out.

I agree.

If your criteria for a mate is someone who is supremely expressive go pick that kind of person don't pick a person who is more reserved. Some people are naturally more reserved that doesn't make them wrong it just makes them the wrong person for you. If you want a person who fawns all over you go find that kind of person. Often it is not the other person that is lacking , it is our skills in finding the people that suit our needs.

I ask her many questions everyday. The thing is that she answers with short answers and it bothers me that I feel like sometimes I am pulling teeth to get a conversation to flow. Yesterday it did, but I ended up entering a discussion about infactuation and rational love. And I did not take her answer the right way. She said that she did not mean it that way.

Her almost exact words are:

I don't want you to take this negativaly. But with you it is a different love, I can actually function at work, in life...it's like a mature love.

She just answered the following with my apology for overeating:

-I want to you to be more open to our dialague and not take things I tell you like personal attacks

-We are very different and it seems you would like me to react the same way you would or even with more intensity

-I'm used to being in control of my emotions but you constantly drill me

-I love you and want to be long-term with you but I don't know how long I could take these up and downs. This is not an ultimatum, far from that, but I just wanted to tell you how I feel this moment.

Is this a threat? Or a set-up for an ultimatum?

Didn't he say that she wasn't reserved with her exes...and with him in the beginning hence the words "anymore" when describing what she doesn't do. Most guys feel downgraded if their girlfriend stops doing something that she used to do all the time.

I agree.

 

If your criteria for a mate is someone who is supremely expressive go pick that kind of person don't pick a person who is more reserved. Some people are naturally more reserved that doesn't make them wrong it just makes them the wrong person for you. If you want a person who fawns all over you go find that kind of person. Often it is not the other person that is lacking , it is our skills in finding the people that suit our needs.

Mature love is the most stable and important kind of love. THAT is what she is telling you. You on the other hand think infatuation is more important. Infatuation HAS to become mature love or it dies. What she is telling you is that you are seriously ticking her off with your constant drilling and doubting.

Didn't he say that she wasn't reserved with her exes...and with him in the beginning hence the words "anymore" when describing what she doesn't do. Most guys feel downgraded if their girlfriend stops doing something that she used to do all the time.

This is exaclty what I felt when she told me those words. Like if i'm the nice guy. It's like the old boyfriends got the whole package and I get less but I give more...example is she as nasty in bed than with these guys, did she try harder, did she respect them more...she told me that I did not get what she was telling me!

Didn't he say that she wasn't reserved with her exes...and with him in the beginning hence the words "anymore" when describing what she doesn't do. Most guys feel downgraded if their girlfriend stops doing something that she used to do all the time.

No she didn't say she liked him any less she just felt more mature in this relationship than her other ones. I'm not sure how that is a downgrade.

This is exaclty what I felt when she told me those words. Like if i'm the nice guy. It's like the got the whole package and I get less but I give more...example is she as nasty in bad than with these guys, did she try harder, did she respect them more...she told me that I did not get what she was telling me!

Well if you're not getting what she is saying then maybe you're the one who has the wrong perception?

OP have all your relationships been relatively short ? I am asking that because it could be that you are just used to the honeymoon phase and it not going any further than that.

OP have all your relationships been relatively short ? I am asking that because it could be that you are just used to the honeymoon phase and it not going any further than that.

Actually my first relationship was 11 year long. She used me at the beginning, she feel in love and then left me suddenly after not feeling I loved her.

This is my second and I am 38 years old. She has had 2 (including me) and dated at least 10 guys. She has been vague about her past but I believe she was sexually aggressive...see my previous posts

It seems I fall hard specially when I am physically attracted to the girl.

Ok then you know what mature love is. You are still in infactuation and she has moved beyond that phase.

Didn't he say that she wasn't reserved with her exes...and with him in the beginning hence the words "anymore" when describing what she doesn't do. Most guys feel downgraded if their girlfriend stops doing something that she used to do all the time.

It's interesting you mention this but she is by nature quiet and very observant. She however, can talk her head off if she feels she has to. I was once or twice ticked off because we would walk for an hour and barely talk and then bam, we meet a co-worker and there goes a normal conversation...

Honestly I think she sounds like a great secure woman who is saying you and her have a grown up, rational lasting love rather than the infatuated burn out in a blaze of glory kind of love that never lasts.

You need to either try and be less insecure or move on to someone that will love you the way you want and be the person you would want them to be.

She is her own person, a different person to you. Accept that or move on. Those are your options.

A lot of men would like a rational woman who loves you, has sex with you and wants a future with you.

Honestly I think she sounds like a great secure woman who is saying you and her have a grown up, rational lasting love rather than the infatuated burn out in a blaze of glory kind of love that never lasts.

 

You need to either try and be less insecure or move on to someone that will love you the way you want and be the person you would want them to be.

 

She is her own person, a different person to you. Accept that or move on. Those are your options.

 

A lot of men would like a rational woman who loves you, has sex with you and wants a future with you.

She sounds great and I love her. But I think the underlyng fear is that eventually she will cheat on me or get fed up because of the following:

1. She has dated 2 guys at the same time several times and met them 4 at the gym?

2. She seems to look at guys a lot wondering eye. Although lately she has not done this, since I told her how I felt when I caught her looking

3. With the info I have she has had sex with about 16+ guys I have had 10max (including) 5 I paid.

4. She told me very subtly that she would always hook up when on vacation

5. She used to have really low self-esteem; she does not think she is that pretty and she has issues with dad

6. One of her best friends cheats on her husband

7. With past guys she would always be questionning everything and very insecure in the relationship; she wanted more with these guys; but I think they found her very clingy and some just wanted her for sex.

8. She told me she was very flirty when we became exclusive

9. She also wanted to have a drink with an ex at one point; which I thought was inappropriate

10. She has 3 boxes of condoms in her drawer

11. I slept on her bed on the first offical date although I didn"t go for the home run

12. Once I told her why she has never mentionned anything that I do great; she told me she has not seen anything worth mentioning, I was hurt.

13. No she tells me that I am a mature relationship because now she does not go crazy.

Basically all these thinkgs and more give me anxiety; I really hate this constant feeling of fear and loneliness!

Your shelf life with her is limited if you can't get this anxiety under control.

Then it's time to break up.

Then it's time to break up.

Can you tell me why you say this?