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Thread: Does rational girlfriend mean she is settling?

  1. #201
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    Update and venting: I starting to believe that Iakasot and Doc blaze are closer to reality unfortunately; that she is not secure, she is just not that into me and feels in control because she is rational with me. I seem to see a cycle of her getting closer when she feels that I am distancing myself...many times I feel like I had enough...I can't stand feeling ignored. Then she does something to reel me back in...sex or prepares dinner or says I love you...

    Lately I've noticed that she is not as upbeat about our plans, she feels has told me she feels ugly and unattractive (which to me is a slap in the face- your partner should feel beautiful), she wants to get her life on track. She also feels that she feels I don'T pull my weight regarding house stuff.


    I e-mail her about how positive our discussion was on a prior night, how i'm confident in us and how much I love her and she writes me how her day is going...and other unrelated stuff and to have a great day without an i love you too. I showed a female colleague her response and she acknowledged that she totally dismissed my message (Since many people think I'm crazy here; I wanted to validate with someone else).
    I've told her I thought saying I love you is important
    I've told her that at least an e-mail or call to work is important to say hi
    But I'm tired of asking for things. I think it should be natural...

    I'm also feeling that I spend a lot of time by myself and when we are together she is very passive about communicating with me; she does talk, but not about how she feels about things related to us or our plans. She does talk a lot about errands, house cleaning and her job, but nothing about us...Many times I feel lonelier than when I was single. All I want to do is connect and feel that she is excited about the future...

    I also noted that when she talks about serious stuff she also puts an IF:
    - IF we ever get married...
    - If we ever have kids...
    - If we ever do this...
    I'm starting to question is I really want kids with her at this point. Imagine I feel alone now, imagine with a KID....

    Thanks for listening.
    Last edited by johndoe13; 11-08-2013 at 03:32 PM.

  2. #202
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    You and your girlfriend are two DIFFERENT people.
    I am a lot like you and my boyfriend is a lot like your girlfriend and we function greatly due to the fact that I:
    do not demand him to be me
    do not demand him to act like he is me
    do not demand him to do the things I would do because I am sensitive for the stuff he does do for me, even if those are not
    the things I would do for him to show him I love him, I do however recognise those are the things HE does when he loves somebody
    I also do NOT question him about being reserved (so I do NOT question him about who he IS), quiet or not that into a conversation all the time, like I AM
    I accept him for who he is and he seems extremely happy with that and so also with our relationship.
    I sometimes had the fear in the beginning he was settling, but I tried to be laid back with my fears (fear is false evidence appearing real you know) and it gradually got out of my system since it appeared to be only in mine anyways, and not in his, so I stopped worrying and just started enjoying our good time.

    You are VERY demanding on this other person, who has lived her life her own way. Yet she seems to have to be this totally different person with and for you.
    I don't doubt it she is in love with you (I am not sure since she is not on here) but I DO doubt your love, respect and devotion to be with her.
    You do not accept her, and that is not love.

  3. #203
    Super Moderator agent's Avatar
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    You don't think she loves you, you want her to be someone different to who she is.

    Seriously, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

    You're just not right for each other.

  4. #204
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    Originally Posted by eifos
    You and your girlfriend are two DIFFERENT people.
    I am a lot like you and my boyfriend is a lot like your girlfriend and we function greatly due to the fact that I:
    do not demand him to be me
    do not demand him to act like he is me
    do not demand him to do the things I would do because I am sensitive for the stuff he does do for me, even if those are not
    the things I would do for him to show him I love him, I do however recognise those are the things HE does when he loves somebody
    I also do NOT question him about being reserved (so I do NOT question him about who he IS), quiet or not that into a conversation all the time, like You do not accept her, and that is not love.
    I agree that is one of the problems. I have a hard time accepting that I fell in love with someone that is different than I expected. Recently an ackward thing happened she has opened up a lot more and has told me that she has opened the door the door of discussion for kids, marriage...that is what I stated above....she sees it as a green light and I see her IF statements as I<m not sure.

    Btw my physchologist tells me that I am very needy (emotional vampire), and he is working with me to close that leak. He says that it is never enough and that I always find a way to get more attention. I've taken note of it and have been telling myself that she is her own person and that she does not have to be with me if she does not want to. And that I have to accept her and trust her or else it will fail. I<m trying to do my own thing as well.

    Thanks for your input.

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  6. #205
    Super Moderator agent's Avatar
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    I have a hard time accepting that I fell in love with someone that is different than I expected.
    That means that you aren't in love with her though, it means you are in love with an idea that you projected on to her.

  7. #206
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by johndoe13
    m very needy (emotional vampire), and he is working with me to close that leak. He says that it is never enough and that I always find a way to get more attention. I've taken note of it and have been telling myself that she is her own person and that she does not have to be with me if she does not want to. And that I have to accept her and trust her or else it will fail. I<m trying to do my own thing as well.
    And we have all been saying that ... for months. My advice is to focus on retraining your brain and not complaining about her behavior.

  8. #207
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by agent
    That means that you aren't in love with her though, it means you are in love with an idea that you projected on to her.
    I agree, this is another fundamental problem here.

  9. #208
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    It sounds like you are suffering from low self esteem and you have some issues you want to work on. Unless, you feel that she is inducing these feelings in you. You will gain more clarity on this if you try going to counseling to understand situation. You say that she wants to be with you, is committed and wants to buy a condo with you. I think being rational in a relationship is very important as she is mature and doesn’t get caught up in the “overthinking” like in her previous relationships. Why does that mean that mean “you are less to her?”
    If you want her to be more affectionate with you just ask for a hug and more affection instead of getting caught up in anger and having an argument. Try to work on communicating your needs so they can be met and you can develop a healthy relationship.

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