What drives people to become cold-hearted?

I've always wanted to know. What exactly? Is it the past experiences?

Well that would make sense...don't you think. They have been hurt so they close off themselves so as not to be hurt again.

Do you refer to people who are cold-hearted to everyone or only to certain persons?

Some people get hurt and decide this is best way to protect themselves, while some people aren't used to getting close to others and when they feel that they are becoming attached they become cold.

In the root of all of this is fear of intimacy (doesn't have to be sexual)

great question. My ex has become cold hearted since we broke up. She jumped into a rebound relationship from which I hear she complains all the time. However, the responses on here are probably right. They are trying to protect themselves. I refuse to become cold hearted.

Don't judge anyone who has developed a cold heart from life kicking them around. No one really knows what they've been through, and maybe it's the only way they get by in everyday life.

My theory is that people handle pain in two ways (I think more of a mix of the two then purely one or the other).

 

They internalize it and develop depression, lack of self-worth, potentially become suicidal, develop self destructive tendencies, etc.

 

Or they externalize it and lash out others. They stop being empathetic to others, become narcissistic, become much more willing to use others, and just generally cold and cruel as a defense mechanism.

 

In either case (or whatever balance between i/e they are at) they will be very reluctant to truly open up to anyone.

My theory is that people handle pain in two ways (I think more of a mix of the two then purely one or the other).

 

They internalize it and develop depression, lack of self-worth, potentially become suicidal, develop self destructive tendencies, etc.

 

Or they externalize it and lash out others. They stop being empathetic to others, become narcissistic, become much more willing to use others, and just generally cold and cruel as a defense mechanism.

 

In either case (or whatever balance between i/e they are at) they will be very reluctant to truly open up to anyone.

 

I agree with your theory and I'll add a third way people handle it. They close themselves off to most of the world and only let a very select few peek in the windows sometimes.

 

I used to be a very giving and kind person but no longer. After awhile, consistantly being hurt, screwed over, getting nowhere, just plain stomped on or a combination of any or all changes you. You're no longer willing to put yourself in the position again.

 

For me, at first I went through a combination of depression and anger like Yeti described. I was never cruel, hateful or narcisstic but I certainly lashed out in spades at those who deserved it (anger). Almost everyone else, I was rather cold towards and withdrew completely (depression). Now, I'm at "I don't care, leave me alone" with a just a shadow of my former "caring self" left. I've become very selective of who and what I will let in and how far. It's a very rare few that even make it to the fence before I run them off. No one has made it on the porch yet.

 

Different people will have different degrees of "how" they become and how much it takes to push them to the cold-hearted side but I believe just about anyone is capable of being pushed there. They say time heals all wounds but that's not true. Some scars never fade and and the ache stays with you for life.

OP do you mean cold hearted as in cruel, or someone who simply does not let people in?

I think life gets the best of some people. This guy in my life is emotionally unavailable and to me he seems cold and un interested but says he likes me. I really think his father not being in his life has something to do with it and possibly failed relationships. He's not cruel he just seems to have a side of him that lacks the ability to get close and let people in.

hi!

so you want to know what dries people to be cold hearted.. I WILL TELL YOU

first of all i wanna say: am a cold hearted person and if you asked me 4years ago that i will turn to a stone i would be laughing at you but guess NEVER SAY THAT THIS never happen to me!!cause it might happen...

what drives people to become cold-hearted is pain: pain that kills,the pain od being betrayed, left behind,hurted,being bulliyed..

when you lost everything only one option remains which is either you lie the pain again or numb it..

when all the people you cared about were acctually the one behind the trigger,when they played you like a toy

when all you wanted is being cared about and no one gave a damn

when life screws you over and take the person you love

when you fall down and no one was there to help you while you were the one who helped without asking for even for gratitude

or when you needed a shoulder to cry but found nothing but emptiness

we do that to protect ourselves from the pain

we do that to not feel it again

am not pround but thats the only way..

WHY WOULD I OPEN UP TO SOMEONE,TRUST THEM WHEN THEY WILL EVENTUALLY LEAVE

WHY SHOULD I CARE WHILE NOBODY CARES

WHY????

ITS BETTER TO FEEL NOTHING THEN TO FEEL SOMETHING

WHEN YOUR HEART GOT BROKEN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN WHATS THE SOLUTIONS YOU TELL ME????

WHEN YOU CRIED YOURSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT BECAUSE YOU COULDNT FORGET,,,

thats what makes people cold-hearted

they say what is done is done its bull

what is done is never done its fallows you t the grave

they say forget and move on sometimes you cantttt....

hi!

so you want to know what dries people to be cold hearted.. I WILL TELL YOU

first of all i wanna say: am a cold hearted person and if you asked me 4years ago that i will turn to a stone i would be laughing at you but guess NEVER SAY THAT THIS never happen to me!!cause it might happen...

what drives people to become cold-hearted is pain: pain that kills,the pain od being betrayed, left behind,hurted,being bulliyed..

when you lost everything only one option remains which is either you lie the pain again or numb it..

when all the people you cared about were acctually the one behind the trigger,when they played you like a toy

when all you wanted is being cared about and no one gave a damn

when life screws you over and take the person you love

when you fall down and no one was there to help you while you were the one who helped without asking for even for gratitude

or when you needed a shoulder to cry but found nothing but emptiness

we do that to protect ourselves from the pain

we do that to not feel it again

am not pround but thats the only way..

WHY WOULD I OPEN UP TO SOMEONE,TRUST THEM WHEN THEY WILL EVENTUALLY LEAVE

WHY SHOULD I CARE WHILE NOBODY CARES

WHY????

ITS BETTER TO FEEL NOTHING THEN TO FEEL SOMETHING

WHEN YOUR HEART GOT BROKEN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN WHATS THE SOLUTIONS YOU TELL ME????

WHEN YOU CRIED YOURSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT BECAUSE YOU COULDNT FORGET,,,

thats what makes people cold-hearted

they say what is done is done its bull

what is done is never done its fallows you t the grave

they say forget and move on sometimes you cantttt....

I need to feel this anger right now and forever. Yes it sucks because of the memories. But you have gone from being in tears to anger. And I want to become that.