Truth

A collection of honest thoughts.Things I should admit I actually think sometimes. Things I need to get off my chest.

"The mood it changes like the wind/ hard to control when it begins"

This is so true when it comes to love.

I never know who or what is going to hit me out of the blue.

I can never do what my intuition tells me to do, if it doesn't fulfill my carnal desires.

I act impulsively

I often do exactly what I want and end up realizing that it doesn't get me where I want to be ultimately

I do things that make me unhappy in the long term sometimes

Just to satisfy a temporary itch

My actions mostly revolve around

my coping mechanisms. I try to self medicate with music, food, sex, and anything that is easy, or feels more like a reward than work.

I'm realizing that it's not the end of the world to have a bad day

I used to get so critical of myself for

Feeling insecure

Not living up to my expectations

Feeling rejected

But now I realize it's just a temporary state of mind, that it is more like holding a magnifying glass up to a certain country on a map, it's not like the rest of the world ceases to exist just because I'm looking at it.

I don't like dreaming because my dreams are either disorienting or depressing.

A few days ago I literally woke up chanting, "the body is the mind and the mind is the immaterial soul," over and over lol and it's been a long time since my intro to philosophy class. I told myself that morning I was done having dreams like that! A lot happened in that dream and It all started fading within seconds. So I tried to at least keep a record of it on my camera but playing it bad didn't really help jog my memory. Some of the content clearly originated from TV I've watched and events in my life.

What I like about guy's bodies/men

Basically a list of every cliche ever

They smell so good

I like guys that smile at me a lot and at other people

I love guys that are strong but not overly strong

But a nice, healthy body can be so amazing

I love how guys are just a bit bigger all around

I love strong but soft hands

I love nicely trimmed nails

Kind eyes

Sincere smiles

I'm just melting thinking about it

Guys who are good at singing, sports, dancing, and have a brain.

Guys who are masculine without being chauvinists

With a good attitude toward life, family, women, and everything

Who are just nice

Who are brave, think for themselves

Make people laugh

Take responsibility for their actions

Who know when to be serious and when to be fun

I'm such a follower. I am pretty much only happy when I feel like I'm doing what everyone else is doing

Unfortunately, unlike most people, there is a part of me that is skeptical of that and tries to intervene.

That is when things get weird...and I feel myself deviating off the normal path.

It's so frustrating. So I give up, officially. I just want to be a brainless follower of everything.

All the decisions I make on my own end up being absolutely terrible.

I wonder why I'm such a deviant. It's so annoying!

Mmm.

I'm so different from other people that I literally have to study them like a scientist to figure out how to be like them.

It takes so much of my time. It was really fun at first but now I just want to feel 100% already. I just wish someone would insert some software into my brain so that it wouldn't be such a trial and error process.

always knew I was different, but it turns out what I originally thought I was clueless about ended up not being what I was actually clueless about. Up to that point, there was always some kind of bandaid on my life, in the form of friends and boyfriends, school etc, to distract me from the fact that I'm like a total freak of nature.

I no longer blame myself for my stupidity, naïveté, or ignorance because I know it wasn't my fault I grew up under a rock.

But wow, it's just crazy crazy.

How could I have not been aware of what society is like when I live in it every day?

I wonder if my tunnel vision is normal

It's just that I had a specific kind of weird, almost Amish tunnel vision because of my weird ass parents.

They could have ruined my life if I hadn't somehow figured it out.

I remember how I used to think in a way, that the world was the enemy

And that I knew best, just like they told me they did.

It's so scary.

I used to think, just by being alive, you knew at least a few fundamental things, like how to love.

I don't think that's true anymore. I think that you have to learn almost everything.

It's easiest if it can be taught to you explicitly, or by example.

I'm changing the way I'm attracted to guys. I find myself more and more attracted to people who are emotionally stable and demonstrate kindness. It wasn't really a conscious thing at first, but then I noticed myself getting attracted to guys I wasn't really attracted to at first because they were nice to me, and then I'd notice how they had nice hands, or nice style, or a nice body.

I'm still kind of holding out for the total package when it comes to relationships though.

Anyway, I'm learning to accept things for face value. I just hope this doesn't lead to me holding grudges against people who I feel are too judgmental or narrow minded.

The weird thing is this

I think I used to think I could read people's minds a bit. I used to think I knew what they were thinking.

The brain is so flexible, it'll just make up any narrative to support whatever schema you happen to be working with! So when things appear to have a cause and effect, that's really only just one way of looking at an issue.

Sometimes I wonder if reality is closer to the way I used to think or if it is closer to the new way I think.

I'm so independent now that inside I know I can't be hurt or humiliated or shamed by others in the same way I used to be. But I just wonder

What the hell is going on inside everyone's heads. I'd feel less alone if I really, truly knew I wasn't all that different from others.

I finally realized what the term 'unreliable narrator' means. Everyone is an unreliable narrator.

The problem with thinking that way is that it's just not productive.

I've decided that I don't need to believe in what is sometimes held up as profound or noble. Like the idea of ambiguity, sometimes that leads to confusion. I used to take it so seriously that I was totally lost.

I guess I used to take theories too seriously, and try to apply them to everything. Everything probably does have an explanation worth knowing, but I can keep it to myself a lot of the time.

It's weird, separating myself like this, but I think it's necessary for my happiness and sanity.

I'm kind of disappointed honestly. As if all those flowery words and lofty ideas have let me down. They promised me so much and totally didn't deliver.

They can't compete with the flashiness of new technology, professional sports, or the power of money at all.

When I discovered my brain was a ****ty filter for good things it was so depressing. That goes back to the idea that I thought just by being alive, that my opinions mattered.

In a way, I'm relieved they don't. In a way, I'm terrified because I don't like how much has to be lost in order to make way for the new.

I wish people would really appreciate the journey that humanity has been on, up to this point.

But who has the time when life is so short?

I get why a lot of people just don't care that much.

It seems like everything is about living in the moment now. Deep down, I support that. Especially when I think about so many of the liberal arts that have been used to oppress people for centuries. Philosophy is often used by politicians to justify their power, as is traditional art and everything else. What a joke. I really feel like I was sold a bag of goods. I wish I was born now so I'd never have to have dealt with this bs. I'd rather look out for everyone's welfare rather than continue to defend the opinion of a few people who were or are a bit insane.

Since I used to be reactionary, and since I believed it was expected of me to present myself in a palpably intelligent way, it was pretty easy to convince me that the problem was me and other members of the unwashed masses. Now I think we are all equally valuable.

Music is about what feels good now, rather than reflecting on things. Fashion is about fads, whereas that used to be condemned as unsophisticated.

I just wonder what adulthood means in this context.

I don't really want to grow up...but I don't have a choice do I?

I think it's wrong to put so much pressure on people to be happy all the time and hide their negative feelings at all times. Now that I'm aware of this unhealthy expectation, I don't feel like a failure and I don't have so many extreme emotions.

But I don't put my vulnerability all out there though.

Things that freak me out or make me uncomfortable:

Being too honest (because once you go down that rabbit hole it never ends and you stop knowing when you are really being honest or not)

Being too vulnerable (same as above, it's like, what else can I be vulnerable about, it never ends)

Talking about the fact that no one knows why any of us are alive or what the purpose of life is. I mean, you can have faith but seriously, those people have to be kidding themselves if they think they can rest easy with that explanation.

That's why I want to find a new way of thinking.

Honest/not honest is not a very effective or accurate binary.

So sometimes in this mode, I kind of feel like, here I am, trying to get answers by thinking instead of living. So far, thinking hasn't really gotten me very far in life. Its just this annoying paradox because before I was afraid to think because of the pain

And now I'm not in pain and I'm no longer wounded, all because I did some thinking.

But hey, maybe I could have done it a lot faster if I wouldn't have been thinking. but I keep forgetting just how clueless like 96% clueless I was. I wouldn't have known what I really wanted in life at all

I really think I'm kind of an exception in this. No one is as lame and stupid as me.....because no one had as weird of an upbringing, it makes sense.

So it's hard to close the floodgates once they have been opened, but more and more I've been cracking down and policing my thoughts to weed out anything I think is too unacceptable.

It's so hard because I really am clueless.

I think everything is beautiful sometimes. It's like I'm ****ing stupid, I can't think of any other way to phrase it.

I just have to keep telling my naive self, no, none of this is acceptable. You have to do what other people tell you is acceptable. And every step of the way, it's like wriggle out of my own stranglehold and retreat back to my old self.

DEPRESSING.

I don't get why I can't change certain things about myself even after improving my attitude!

Duplicate post..........

I'm just going to put that worry out there for a sec. I think I've changed, but what if I've just become okay with being stuck in my hell? What a sad waste my life is. What if I can't change and god hates me, and put me on this planet for the sole purpose of humiliating me and making me suffer? How I can I escape?

If this isn't true, how can I stop worrying that it is?

On the other hand I honestly wonder this: I see some people dressed up in such attractive clothing, with great careers but quite unattractive faces and I wonder why they have the motivation to try at all. Such a horrible thing to say but I honestly wonder.

Those people who are the complete image of perfection except their actual bodies.

Why is life is so strange? And it's so strange that me saying this makes me sound like either an arrogant ******* or a bitter train wreck.

It's just weird how our little costumes matters so much to some people. See here I go again thinking unacceptable thoughts... But I just wish I could wear a toga or something. But now I know

Becoming a minimalist, futurist, intellectual, academic, or anything else isn't going to save me

Playing one of those roles isn't going to save me from being rejected by people I want to be accepted by, it's not going to explain the things I don't understand about life, it's not going to make me feel secure or confident.

Nothing really will...

I let it all out. So I'm going to keep trying to have faith that I'm making the right decisions for myself. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not allowed to have fun in life. I want to live it up while I can because being old seems so horrible....and I still really feel like it used to be that the resentful old folks just wanted to punish the later generations for not being able enjoy their own youth. It sucks having had old school parents because I definitely am not okay with the sacrifices I had to make because of their insane values.

My phone erased my post. Ahhhh I'm soooo incredibly annoyed