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Thread: Having an affair with a girl who already have a boyfriend

  1. #1
    Lord Lucan
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    Having an affair with a girl who already have a boyfriend

    Hi!
    I'm 29 years old she's 22. We are co-workers for some 9 months now. When we just met there was a lot of mutual symphaties and we become very close friends very fast. In mid-April we both got a bit drunk and it happened. And then some more. In the end of April she broke up with her boyfriend (I didn't ask for it) and we were together for precisely a week, after that she very abruptly run off back to her freshly left ex-boyfriend. She told me she loves him and it was wrong to do what we did. But we did more of the wrong things anyway I think since then she has dropped me 4 times or so and I did it twice, but we are both still feeling attraction to each other and sometimes meeting (outside work I mean).
    Honestly I don't know what to do with her. By now I deeply care for her, even love her, but Im stuck being her lover from time to time and I feel this is going nowhere. Now I want her to leave that boyfriend of her's. I feel like if there is such thing as a soul mate, she is mine. We have similar interests, values we understand each other and we always have a lots of fun together. Plus sex is great. I have met her boyfriend and talked with him and he seemed like nobody. I'm taller more muscular, more handsome, more educated, have higher social standing and more money. Her boyfriend is just a regular bloke without education, but she is really smart girl studying law and all. I cant even imagine what they can talk about at the dinner table. It just seems so stupid. She told me he never hurts her, is a nice guy and loves her very much, but that doesn't sound very great.
    Im thinking maybe it really is a big mysterious LOVE, or maybe shes just a young, confused girl who will come to her senses.
    I don't even know what the question here is. I guess. What should I do?

  2. #2
    ~Seraphim ~
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    Leave her alone and find a girlfriend of your own.

  3. #3
    nutbrownhare
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    You are muscular, handsome, educated and earn plenty of money. Go and find yourself a girlfriend who ISN'T a co-worker, wants you and only you, and hasn't got an on-off relationship with another guy, and an on-off relationship with you.

    She is not the one who needs to come to her senses; she's having her cake and eating it, enjoying the stability of a relationship with someone who loves her, plus the excitement of having extra-curricular flings with you. You are right that this is going nowhere - for you.

    Trying to convince yourself that it really is a big mysterious LOVE will only keep you stuck in a situation which is already making you unhappy; you've got lots going for you - now get up and find yourself a proper relationship.

  4. #4
    lavenderdove
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    Do you really want a girl who you know will cheat and run around on you behind your back? Because that is what she doing to her BF, and if she does it to him, she'll do it to you... hey wait, she's already doing that... she's toying with you and loving life having two men at once! She got her stable loving BF, and then she got you on the side for variety and attention when she's in the mood... great life... for HER!

    You talk as if the problem is her boring clod of a BF that she just needs to lose and then everything will be wonderful for the two completely goodlooking and awesome people you think you and she are. But the problem is, she's NOT awesome at all and the problem is she's a cheater and a liar who will keep two guys on a string for her amusement. So SHE'S a great big fat HUGE problem that won't be cured by dumping the BF. You'll then have on your hands a liar and a cheat who would busily be looking for another man to keep on the side for her entertainment.

    Lose this girl. She's not worth it. Things NEVER end up well in the end when one person is a repetitive liar and a cheat, which she is. This wasn't one little slip up, this is her keeping two guys on a string.

  5. #5
    Sparklesong
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    And, you're in love with a girl who cheats on her boyfriend. How do you know she wouldn't cheat on you if someone more muscular, handsome, educated and richer than you are comes along?

  6. #6
    Lord Lucan
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    You guys make it sound like I'm some self-absorbed *****. I'm not a native English speaker, so it might look that way. I just wanted to point out that objectively (if one can be objective in my situation) I'm a better man then he is, at least for her. But that doesn't sound very clever that's true.

    I was thinking about her "having her cake and eating it", but I love at least loved being eaten by her. Boyfriend wasn't a problem at a start. It become a problem when she dropped him and gave me a hope. I kinda enjoyed being her new boyfriend while it lasted, enjoyed a lot.
    I don't think shes a repetitive liar or cheat either, I have been with that kind of woman and she is far too naive and feels far to guilty about stuff to qualify. Or maybe shes just good at it Important thing is, its not just sex - she is or at least was dear friend of mine and now there's a lot of attraction and draw between us two.

    So how about some practical advise? I was thinking to tell her how I feel about her, cut contact and left for her to decide what she wants to do with this. Then again, maybe I should continue and wait until her now highly suspicious boyfriend does something stupid? Or maybe continue and try to charm her over. Or wait until one of us breaks down completely. I really don't want to lose her or give up.

  7. #7
    ~Seraphim ~
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    People did give you practical advice. She's too na´ve or nice to be a cheater??? That is exactly what she is being. Just because you don't like the advice because you're too in love with her to think straight doesn't mean it's not good advice.

  8. #8
    SapphireNoir10
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    People are trying to help you. A woman that cheats on her boyfriends and plays with your emotions is not someone with good morals or someone that will treat you well in a relationship.

    The right thing to do is to cut off contact and stop letting her cheat on her boyfriend with you. For sure you can say 'Hey I really like you, I don't want to carry on behind your boyfriends back, if you decide you want to be with me properly as your boyfriend you know where I am'

  9. #9
    lavenderdove
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    >>I'm a better man then he is, at least for her. But that doesn't sound very clever that's true.

    Umm, maybe not because she won't dump him and he's still her BF. People can make some very strong connections and fall in love where the connection is emotional and not based strictly on looks and money. You're assuming those are the trump cards, that if you're better looking or have more money or a better job, you're better for her, but people evaluate others based on far more criteria than that and will choose someone YOU don't understand why they make that choice, they but they have very different criteria than you for why they want that person more than you. Those reasons may not be apparent to you, but they are to her or she wouldn't stay with him or go back to him immediately after only leaving him for one week.

    And here's a thought... she may be choosing him specifically because she trusts that her boring but loving BF is not the type to ever run around on her and leave her, whereas you might. I've met quite a few people who marry what someone else would evaluate as a 'lesser' spouse, but they do it ON PURPOSE because they like being in control of the relationship and having the total adoration of someone they feel they can CONTROL and who will never leave them. And i know some quite flagrant cheaters who choose the mousiest spouses because the 'function' of their spouse is to take care of them and they know they themselves are cheaters, but want to be sure to have a spouse who is unlikely to cheat and dump them and break up the marriage, and a spouse who WILL put up with their cheating because they are so in control of the relationship.

    So she has a steady boring BF who worships her, and worship may be what she wants. And she may ENJOY being 'better' than him because it makes her feel more in control, like 'he's boring but he's MINE and he'll never leave me because i'm so much better than him.' So a 'lesser than' spouse gives them a large measure of control and comfort that they will always be worshipped and never have to compete with someone stealing their 'property.'

    The thing is you are already in the 'one down' position with this girl. If you cut her off and leave her then she'll just focus on her BF. And if you don't cut her off and leave her, she has no incentive to leave him because she's got the both of you. So this really all turns on something totally out of your control, which is how much she REALLY wants to stay with her BF or not. So in a very perverse way, HE is in control, not you. And you just have to accept that until she decides what she wants to do.

    My best suggestion here is to start dating other women, and talk to her about them. As in, you're not going to hang around forever while she dilly dallies with you. You've got other options, and if she really is attached to you, then if it looks like that window of opportunity with you is closing for her becasue you are seeing others, then she might cut it off with him in order to not lose you to someone else. But if she doesn't care or that doesn't make her leave him, then she's never going to leave him and is just enjoying having two men fuss over her. In which case you're wasting your time and need to move on (which really, you need to do regardless because this is going nowhere at this point if she's already left him once but went back to him).

  10. #10
    Lord Lucan
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    Quote Originally Posted by SapphireNoir10 [Register to see the link]
    People are trying to help you. A woman that cheats on her boyfriends and plays with your emotions is not someone with good morals or someone that will treat you well in a relationship.

    The right thing to do is to cut off contact and stop letting her cheat on her boyfriend with you. For sure you can say 'Hey I really like you, I don't want to carry on behind your boyfriends back, if you decide you want to be with me properly as your boyfriend you know where I am'
    Everyone cheats and lies at some point, me thinks. I have done it, but that doesn't mean I treated all my girls badly or cheated all of them. But you are right cutting contact sounds like the most reasonable option. I just hope my resolution is strong enough.
    Anyone ever heard about happy ending in theses cases? I mean were a girl figures she likes her lover so much that she stays with him. Sounds unlikely to me

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