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Thread: Losing a work friend

  1. #1
    Fire 23
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    Losing a work friend

    I am a male mid 20's single and my friend is a female mid 30's in a relationship. I have been friends with this girl at work for the past 2-3 years and recently she has stopped talking to me & started acting cold towards me all of a sudden. At first i figured she must of been going through serious personal issues as i had never seen her act in the manner she had been. I sent her a couple of emails telling her i was a bit worried about her, hoping she was ok and if she needed to talk to let me know.. she never replied. I soon realized she was behaving differently towards me and finally got her to open up a bit, where she said she didn't want to be close friends anymore as people had been talking about us / gossiping. I was a bit surprised as people have said harmless stuff before but I told her she shouldn't let what other people say and think effect her (she at times can be particularly self-conscious) and that id like to know what happened..that's as far as i have taken it and that's about all i feel i can do, she doesn't seem willing to talk about it and it doesn't seem as though that will change.

    I know i am in a no-win situation here, in the work environment there is next to nothing i can do. The issues is i don't know how to feel or how to react in this situation or how to reconcile it with myself, since i don't know what actually happened to cause this sudden reaction from my friend - i don't even know how to feel towards her - she is at work and has an absolute right to feel comfortable, if she had said i don't think we can have the same relationship anymore i could of accepted that but by trying to just brush me off and act as though things were normal which was hurtful, that said - i don't know what other people have said to her, maybe people have said something real hurtful, i can't tell all i know is that our friendship is lost and i just have to move on but id appreciate any words of advice. Many thanks.

  2. 05-29-2013, 07:51 AM

  3. #2
    Edmund Exley
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    I would just accept that this is the decision she has made and it may suck but there is nothing you can do about it.

  4. #3
    lostandhurt
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    You need to respect her choice and back off. Perhaps her bf heard some rumors and it caused problems for their relationship. There is always gossip when a man and a woman have a more than cordial friendship at work.

    What she is doing is the best thing for her. Sure it would have been nice if she would have been upfront and just told you that she couldn't be "friends" any longer but that didn't happen.

    I get the feeling that you may have liked her more than on a friend level and she may have picked up on that and put a stop to it before it went to far.

    Lost

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    Steve55
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    This is a tough situation and one I have been in as well. In my case, I do confess that my feelings for this person were more than friendship and I am sure she sensed that. I think that is the same for you. We used to be closer friends, but she has pulled back a great deal, probably for the reasons the others have pointed out to you in your situation.

    As the others have said, it sucks and it hurts, but there isn't much you can do about it. I have been able to take some consolation in the fact that this was her decision and I can't change it. I have to respect her choice, even though it is painful to do. We were work friends for seven years. We are still friends, but not like we were, and I have to accept that. I think you do as well. Hopefully, you can get to a point where you can be friends, but within her limits.

  6. #5
    Fire 23
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    I did have feelings for her when we initially met (2-3 years ago) and was interested in her which all her direct co-workers picked up on but i once i found out she was in a relationship and a fair bit older then myself (she looks a lot younger then she really is) i felt as though it wasn't a realistic and moved on - i don't feel as though it was because she suddenly picked up on that i had feelings for her (she would of noticed long long ago and i never hid it) as her behaviour switched from one day to next and she knew that i have been seeing a girl recently.

    Thank you for the responses - it always helps to hear other peoples view. I know there isn't much i can do, it's just a bit frustrating at the moment.

  7. #6
    miss b
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    just accept it. u can't win all the time and as u said, she has the right to feel comfortable in her place of employment. at least u know why the relationship came to an end. u may not think much of workplace gossip, but she does, just appreciate that everyone is different and had their own point of view.

  8. #7
    Steve55
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fire 23 [Register to see the link]
    I did have feelings for her when we initially met (2-3 years ago) and was interested in her which all her direct co-workers picked up on but i once i found out she was in a relationship and a fair bit older then myself (she looks a lot younger then she really is) i felt as though it wasn't a realistic and moved on - i don't feel as though it was because she suddenly picked up on that i had feelings for her (she would of noticed long long ago and i never hid it) as her behaviour switched from one day to next and she knew that i have been seeing a girl recently.

    Thank you for the responses - it always helps to hear other peoples view. I know there isn't much i can do, it's just a bit frustrating at the moment.
    It is frustrating and painful, but it probably is for the best...At least that what I keep telling myself

    It's hard to say why the change now if she picked up on your feelings two years ago. It could be that people were saying things, as you pointed out. Maybe she thinks you still have feelings? I guess the point is moot, though, as it is in my case. I'm just thankful we have seemed to have gotten back to being workplace friends. I do miss hanging out, though, with her. I hope you can get back to being workplace friends as well.

  9. #8
    Fire 23
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    Thanks Steve. You are right the point is moot - i can only speculate and it would be a waste of time to going over it. I do feel there is a lesson in this experience i guess time will tell.

  10. #9
    Steve55
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fire 23 [Register to see the link]
    Thanks Steve. You are right the point is moot - i can only speculate and it would be a waste of time to going over it. I do feel there is a lesson in this experience i guess time will tell.

    I wish you all the best. I hope after a while you guys can be work friends.

    I seem to have been able to get back to that with the woman I was speaking of, though our relationship is much different now. Yesterday, I finally was able to take her to lunch for her birthday, which was back in late April. It was a nice lunch, but the feeling wasn't the same as before. That's just the way it is.

  11. #10
    happpybear
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    just trust that it isn't you that is the problem, but the other immature coworkers that you have to work with. maybe once the nonsense dies down you guys can have more of a friendship

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