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Is anyone else suspicious when a guy comes on too strong too soon?


NolaGirl

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Hi Everyone,

 

Just wondering if anyone else is suspicious when a guy comes on too strong too soon.

 

I met someone though the course of my work. There seemed to be an initial attraction, so I was not too surprised when he contacted me via Facebook. He asked me out and I accepted. He asked me for my number and we started chatting on the phone. The initial date was good, but a little awkward--I just chalked it up to first date jitters. He started calling every day and I accomodated him, but after a few days he started complaining that I did not talk to him long enough; e.g., more than fifteen minutes and that he could not reach me in the mornings (I am a doctor and am typically busiest in the am). I told him nicely that that is my schedule. He asked me on a second date during the week and I perhaps accepted a bit too soon. We made plans to have dinner at a local spot near my apartment, but he showed up with a bottle of wine and after dinner he prolonged leaving. We kissed a bit but I wasn't sure I was feeling it, so I asked him to leave, since it was a "school" night so to speak and I needed to wash my hair. His response? "You don't have that much hair." I told him I wanted to take things slow and he said "Ok" in a mocking tone of voice.

 

For some reason he took this as a green light to go forward and in addition to calling, started texting and emailing. At dinner the following week, I emphasized again that I wanted to take things slow and said that as far as I was concerned we were at the stage where we were casually dating. He wanted to know exactly how long it would take me to decide whether I wanted to be with him. This was date #3. I asked him to please limit his phonecalls and encouraged him to spend time with his friends. Coincidentally, I get an email a few days later saying that he was out drinking with a friend and that it "could have been me." His texting & emailing increased to several times a day and he would ask to come over when we had not made plans. I told him firmly to please slow down because he was overwhelming me, and he backed off a bit. I went on another date but my initial attraction to him has sort of fizzled. He seems too clingy and needy.

 

This man is 45, has never been married, and from what I know has not had a relationship that has lasted more than a year or two. He seems reallly awkward despite being bright. He will say & do things that most people would not do to someone they were interested in, like kick me under the table at dinner. He doesn't seem to have many friends and I'm beginning to think he has Asperger's Disorder. He does not seem to grasp nonverbal cues & makes odd references to things. He's also got a bit of that "crazy in the eye" look.

 

On the upside he's a kind person, really bright, has a professional degree, and clearly wants a serious relationship.

 

Has anyone else had a similar experience that can relate.

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He is a 45 year old with the mind of a 16 year old boy who just happened to be bright enough to somehow get a professional degree.

 

I mean come on ! Kicking you under the table, coming over out of the blue when you hadn't agreed to meet up, never been married, you saying that he needed to leave that night and that you needed to wash your hair and get ready for the next day with work or whatever, him replying that you don't have that much hair to wash... just odd and awkward behavior.

 

Anytime you see a man who is in his 40s and up and he has never been married or had a serious relationship, RUN, trust me, it's NOT the women in his life, it's the guy, he has issues and that's why no one else wanted anything to do with him.

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Wow, I would be backing out of that right now! If he's this clingy after three dates, imagine how clingy he'll be in a year.

 

I had a simmular experience with a guy, we seemed to hit it off really well and planned a date, he was texting me nonstop but I figured he just wanted to get to know me before committing to a date. The date was a little uncomfortable, mostly I talked and he just agreed with everything I said like I was God himself. Then the instant I got home from the date, he started texting again! I responded very slowly because I was trying to decide if I wanted to go on another date, eventually he started to get worried, asking me if I was ok. The next morning I was volunteering and my phone was in my pocket on silent, I volunteered for three hours and in the end had recieved several texts from him, starting off with "good morning, I hope you slept well" and moving on to "what are you doing today?" "Are you ok? Your not responding." "Are you made at me?" etc etc. By the end of the day he sent me a text saying that he had talked to his psychic and had his tarot cards read, and he thought he new what the issue was and could be please talk out our problems? I was creaped out and decided to not respond at all, I even caught him in the school hall trying to find me as I left my Chemistry class. BTW, he is 25, but I felt like I was dating a 12 year old!

 

I don't think it matters if he's nice and bright, there are a lot of nice and bright guys out there. As a doctor you will have a lot of long weeks and busy days, and he can't expect to have you on call 24/7 unless he's paying for an appointment. I say call it off and move on, he's literary wasting your time.

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Sometimes a guy moves as fast as he thinks the girl wants, but this guy is going to EXTREMES. You told him to take it slow and he is doing stuff that would be fast for a relationship that wasn't even moving slow. Id be careful of this guy, or just ditch him if I was you.

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I think it's pretty obvious you are not interested in this guy. But it sounds like you feel bad like there's nothing technically wrong with him. I think we might be in similar boats, and finding a professional single guy seems like a tall task these days, so you find yourself possibly giving someone a chance, that you might not have in the past. And you know, I think that is a good thing-- some times you have to look past something's to see the real person and who knows you might find a diamond in the rough.

 

But it sounds like he doesn't understand boundaries... It could be aspergers but it could be he is rushing things because he wants sex....

 

Honestly sounds like the dates are strained and he is not respecting your wishes. I'd move on.

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Hi,

 

I think you should listen to your gut. If he is acting clingy and needy now when you two are just getting to know each other, how is it going to be in a month? 3 months? A year? After you're married?

 

He may be bright and generally kind, but in my opinion, he seems like he could be the controlling type or, at the very least, emotionally abusive. I say this because of how he kicked you under the table and how he seems like he's a little "off" upstairs.

 

It would be interesting to know why he is so clingy and needy with you this early on, before there's an actual relationship. If he is genuinely interested in you for the right reasons (because he finds you attractive, nice, etc), then he should understand your needs and learn how to take those social cues. It was important to you that he back off and therefore, it should be important to him as well, theoretically.

 

If he is being clingy because of some deep-seated psychological reason, then I'd think twice about getting more serious with him. Chances are he has a history of being overbearing or even controlling with women.

 

It seems like he would be the type to unwittingly cross boundaries with friends and family at gatherings... like he would utter something ultra-personal or ask really personal questions to people and not quite understand that this isn't how one should behave in society.

 

I have to admit the fact that he is 45 and never been married worries me. It shouldn't, I know, but I'm just being honest. He could be a perfectly normal, nice guy. I'm guessing that at the very least, to be at his age and never married, there's bound to be some quirks with this guy. I suppose the question is if you are willing to live with it or not, potentially. If you do get in a serious relationship with him, would he be willing to work on these social cues? Of course you probably don't know the answer to these questions yet, but it's something you might want to keep in mind.

 

You seem intelligent enough to be able to determine these things on your own. I would just leave you with this advice: Approach with caution, and make sure he repsects and abides by your requests to back off. If he doesn't respect you or your wishes, there is no hope for a mutually-fulfilling relationship, in my opinion.

 

Good luck.

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I'll be honest. This doesn't even merit a paragraphed response. Your instincts are right. This dude is simply nuts (as far as dating goes). I'd be worried about you if you were interested in continuing with him. I'd cut him out ASAP.

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I had someone like that. You just know when something is off, not right about their over-attentiveness, clinging etc. It doesn't feel normal because it isn't.

 

Dump him ASAP, be polite, wish him well but also make sure you leave NO doubt that it isn't going to work out between you EVER, and that he needs to move on because you are.

 

Be prepared for a barrage of emails/phone calls/ turning up on your doorstep with him blaming you for wasting his time. Do not answer/respond and fuel his fire.

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Yeah, get out now! This guy is not relationship material and sounds kind of creepy and controlling. My friend went through a similar situation with a guy (he also had aspbergers), he started out nice and sweet and clingy and as she started putting more boundaries up, he became manipulative and nasty. He even said similar lines as this guy. The more time she spent in contact with him, the more it became apparent that he had either no concept or no respect for personal boundaries. It will be kinder to him and easier for you if you end it now.

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Oh my... Well be careful about this one, because I have the same story here and I can tell you more how it may end.

 

My first date had to be just a simple going out for a cup of coffee (I was just dumped, so I didn't want anything more than a casual date too). However, the day I was driving to a first date, he bombarded me with sad messages saying that I promised to go to the cinema, not for a cup of coffee! Well, our first date started at the cinema watching sad drama. When I said goodbye, he embraced me. He was living outside the city so he had to go to the bus station; however, when I was at home, I got an sms saying that the last bus had already left. Should I rescue him from this situation asking to stay at my place on the night of 1st date? No, so I pretended I didn't understood his message.

 

To cut story short, he organized 1 date every week. On the second date he took me to a restaurant and brought me a bag of expensive christmas presents and took me to the cinema again to prolong a date. Same evening he asked me out to spend New Years Eve with his friends (our 3rd date), then he planned a long trip outside the city with his relatives (4th date). I had sex with him because he pretended he doesn't find a spare bed for me and started seducing me at night. From that evening he started drama asking to become exclusive to prove that I'm not a girl sleeping with random men. We became a couple and every single week for 6 months already he is owning me from my friends and family members to spend the time romantically together but just the two of us. It's like the golden cage - you will get anything you want from this man, but because of his inner insecurities (that some other man may steal you one day), he is rushing to make you his (and only his) girlfriend.

 

Such men are honestly passionate about you, but if you let him break your personal time and space limits, they will start an emotional abuse (controll).

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Such men are honestly passionate about you, but if you let him break your personal time and space limits, they will start an emotional abuse (controll).

 

That is how I felt about the guy I went on one date with, I got the impression that I could ask for anything- help with rent, expensive gifts, endless back rubs and attention- and the thought of it was nice, I mean, I want a man who will pay attention to me and treat me, but it didn't seem healthy. felt like I could even ask him to pick up extra shifts at work to pay for me and he would, all from one date. I mentioned that I needed a new roommate and he started to ask when my current one was leaving and how much rent was, as if he was ready to move in after one date! But as flattering as his instant "love" was, I knew it would be a problem if I went for half a day without checking in, I couldn't even volunteer for three hours without him freaking out! All of this from one date and three days of talking.

 

It's kinda a confusing place to be, at least for me. I always complained that my ex's didn't pay enough attention to me, we didn't go on enough dates and they didn't want to see me as often as I wanted to see them, and then I meet this guy who is ready to dedicate every moment of his life to me when he barely knows me, and I felt turned off by it. Then I felt like a hypocrite because for years I had complained about guys who did not pay enough attention to me and all of the sudden I was complaining about to much attention! But it's all a balancing game, and in new relationship the thrill of the chase and "does he like me?" is so exciting and fresh, and if he doesn't give you time to wonder and hope that he's into you, you won't have time to develop those feelings where your into him.

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Well in the beginning the intuition always gives a warning that it's all too good, too nice and too soon, but you consciously ignore them, thinking "wow, i always dreamed about a man who would be so passionate about me and could do anything for me in the middle of the night. And he's not the one who would dump me or use me only for sex." The truth is you don't get that for free. He always takes all of your time and attention in return - the most precious things. Suddenly you can't have your personal time and he constantly makes you feel guilty for doing your stuff while he was calling you or writing the 10th one-way message freaking out where have you gone.

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He's also got a bit of that "crazy in the eye" look.

 

 

LMAO... Could you elaborate a little?

 

Hi Metrogirl,

 

"Crazy in the eye" is a term I use to describe someone who looks a bit off. The eyes are really intense but distant at the same time. I know I'm dating myself here, but remember that comedian Bobcat Goldwaite (hope I'm spelling it right)? Kind of like that. Or Billie Bob Thornton. Hope this makes sense!

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Well in the beginning the intuition always gives a warning that it's all too good, too nice and too soon, but you consciously ignore them, thinking "wow, i always dreamed about a man who would be so passionate about me and could do anything for me in the middle of the night. And he's not the one who would dump me or use me only for sex." The truth is you don't get that for free. He always takes all of your time and attention in return - the most precious things. Suddenly you can't have your personal time and he constantly makes you feel guilty for doing your stuff while he was calling you or writing the 10th one-way message freaking out where have you gone.

 

Yes, I agree with your analogy about being in a golden cage. It's like that old saying, "If it seems too good to be true it probably is." Anyone who starts off with that strong of a sales pitch always makes me wonder what they're hiding.

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Get away from this man. He's not for you. This is worrying behaviour. Way too much, and too insecure.

I remember an ex of mine tried calling me about 50 times in the space of 2 hours, even though i had told him i was at a families wedding. Needless to say he soon became an ex pretty sharpish. Not that he would go quietly.

 

Limiya

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I volunteered for three hours and in the end had recieved several texts from him, starting off with "good morning, I hope you slept well" and moving on to "what are you doing today?" "Are you ok? Your not responding." "Are you mad at me?" etc etc. By the end of the day he sent me a text saying that he had talked to his psychic and had his tarot cards read, and he thought he new what the issue was and could be please talk out our problems?

 

That is just too funny..oh my.

 

OP I agree with everyone else, this guy is not quite with it and I can understand how you have lost attraction. A bit crazy and edgy can be cute but he is just immature and oblivious. I don't know if it's Aspergers syndrome, maybe just very inexperienced or socially awkward.

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