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Thread: Is anyone else suspicious when a guy comes on too strong too soon?

  1. #1
    NolaGirl
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    Is anyone else suspicious when a guy comes on too strong too soon?

    Hi Everyone,

    Just wondering if anyone else is suspicious when a guy comes on too strong too soon.

    I met someone though the course of my work. There seemed to be an initial attraction, so I was not too surprised when he contacted me via Facebook. He asked me out and I accepted. He asked me for my number and we started chatting on the phone. The initial date was good, but a little awkward--I just chalked it up to first date jitters. He started calling every day and I accomodated him, but after a few days he started complaining that I did not talk to him long enough; e.g., more than fifteen minutes and that he could not reach me in the mornings (I am a doctor and am typically busiest in the am). I told him nicely that that is my schedule. He asked me on a second date during the week and I perhaps accepted a bit too soon. We made plans to have dinner at a local spot near my apartment, but he showed up with a bottle of wine and after dinner he prolonged leaving. We kissed a bit but I wasn't sure I was feeling it, so I asked him to leave, since it was a "school" night so to speak and I needed to wash my hair. His response? "You don't have that much hair." I told him I wanted to take things slow and he said "Ok" in a mocking tone of voice.

    For some reason he took this as a green light to go forward and in addition to calling, started texting and emailing. At dinner the following week, I emphasized again that I wanted to take things slow and said that as far as I was concerned we were at the stage where we were casually dating. He wanted to know exactly how long it would take me to decide whether I wanted to be with him. This was date #3. I asked him to please limit his phonecalls and encouraged him to spend time with his friends. Coincidentally, I get an email a few days later saying that he was out drinking with a friend and that it "could have been me." His texting & emailing increased to several times a day and he would ask to come over when we had not made plans. I told him firmly to please slow down because he was overwhelming me, and he backed off a bit. I went on another date but my initial attraction to him has sort of fizzled. He seems too clingy and needy.

    This man is 45, has never been married, and from what I know has not had a relationship that has lasted more than a year or two. He seems reallly awkward despite being bright. He will say & do things that most people would not do to someone they were interested in, like kick me under the table at dinner. He doesn't seem to have many friends and I'm beginning to think he has Asperger's Disorder. He does not seem to grasp nonverbal cues & makes odd references to things. He's also got a bit of that "crazy in the eye" look.

    On the upside he's a kind person, really bright, has a professional degree, and clearly wants a serious relationship.

    Has anyone else had a similar experience that can relate.

  2. #2
    metrogirl
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    He's also got a bit of that "crazy in the eye" look.


    LMAO... Could you elaborate a little?

  3. #3
    VivianSmith
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    He is a 45 year old with the mind of a 16 year old boy who just happened to be bright enough to somehow get a professional degree.

    I mean come on ! Kicking you under the table, coming over out of the blue when you hadn't agreed to meet up, never been married, you saying that he needed to leave that night and that you needed to wash your hair and get ready for the next day with work or whatever, him replying that you don't have that much hair to wash... just odd and awkward behavior.

    Anytime you see a man who is in his 40s and up and he has never been married or had a serious relationship, RUN, trust me, it's NOT the women in his life, it's the guy, he has issues and that's why no one else wanted anything to do with him.

  4. #4
    Jennifer89
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    Wow, I would be backing out of that right now! If he's this clingy after three dates, imagine how clingy he'll be in a year.

    I had a simmular experience with a guy, we seemed to hit it off really well and planned a date, he was texting me nonstop but I figured he just wanted to get to know me before committing to a date. The date was a little uncomfortable, mostly I talked and he just agreed with everything I said like I was God himself. Then the instant I got home from the date, he started texting again! I responded very slowly because I was trying to decide if I wanted to go on another date, eventually he started to get worried, asking me if I was ok. The next morning I was volunteering and my phone was in my pocket on silent, I volunteered for three hours and in the end had recieved several texts from him, starting off with "good morning, I hope you slept well" and moving on to "what are you doing today?" "Are you ok? Your not responding." "Are you made at me?" etc etc. By the end of the day he sent me a text saying that he had talked to his psychic and had his tarot cards read, and he thought he new what the issue was and could be please talk out our problems? I was creaped out and decided to not respond at all, I even caught him in the school hall trying to find me as I left my Chemistry class. BTW, he is 25, but I felt like I was dating a 12 year old!

    I don't think it matters if he's nice and bright, there are a lot of nice and bright guys out there. As a doctor you will have a lot of long weeks and busy days, and he can't expect to have you on call 24/7 unless he's paying for an appointment. I say call it off and move on, he's literary wasting your time.

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    TheD87
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    Sometimes a guy moves as fast as he thinks the girl wants, but this guy is going to EXTREMES. You told him to take it slow and he is doing stuff that would be fast for a relationship that wasn't even moving slow. Id be careful of this guy, or just ditch him if I was you.

  6. #6
    Lambert
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    I think it's pretty obvious you are not interested in this guy. But it sounds like you feel bad like there's nothing technically wrong with him. I think we might be in similar boats, and finding a professional single guy seems like a tall task these days, so you find yourself possibly giving someone a chance, that you might not have in the past. And you know, I think that is a good thing-- some times you have to look past something's to see the real person and who knows you might find a diamond in the rough.

    But it sounds like he doesn't understand boundaries... It could be aspergers but it could be he is rushing things because he wants sex....

    Honestly sounds like the dates are strained and he is not respecting your wishes. I'd move on.

  7. #7
    CML342
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    Hi,

    I think you should listen to your gut. If he is acting clingy and needy now when you two are just getting to know each other, how is it going to be in a month? 3 months? A year? After you're married?

    He may be bright and generally kind, but in my opinion, he seems like he could be the controlling type or, at the very least, emotionally abusive. I say this because of how he kicked you under the table and how he seems like he's a little "off" upstairs.

    It would be interesting to know why he is so clingy and needy with you this early on, before there's an actual relationship. If he is genuinely interested in you for the right reasons (because he finds you attractive, nice, etc), then he should understand your needs and learn how to take those social cues. It was important to you that he back off and therefore, it should be important to him as well, theoretically.

    If he is being clingy because of some deep-seated psychological reason, then I'd think twice about getting more serious with him. Chances are he has a history of being overbearing or even controlling with women.

    It seems like he would be the type to unwittingly cross boundaries with friends and family at gatherings... like he would utter something ultra-personal or ask really personal questions to people and not quite understand that this isn't how one should behave in society.

    I have to admit the fact that he is 45 and never been married worries me. It shouldn't, I know, but I'm just being honest. He could be a perfectly normal, nice guy. I'm guessing that at the very least, to be at his age and never married, there's bound to be some quirks with this guy. I suppose the question is if you are willing to live with it or not, potentially. If you do get in a serious relationship with him, would he be willing to work on these social cues? Of course you probably don't know the answer to these questions yet, but it's something you might want to keep in mind.

    You seem intelligent enough to be able to determine these things on your own. I would just leave you with this advice: Approach with caution, and make sure he repsects and abides by your requests to back off. If he doesn't respect you or your wishes, there is no hope for a mutually-fulfilling relationship, in my opinion.

    Good luck.

  8. #8
    j.man
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    I'll be honest. This doesn't even merit a paragraphed response. Your instincts are right. This dude is simply nuts (as far as dating goes). I'd be worried about you if you were interested in continuing with him. I'd cut him out ASAP.

  9. #9
    amipushy
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    I had someone like that. You just know when something is off, not right about their over-attentiveness, clinging etc. It doesn't feel normal because it isn't.

    Dump him ASAP, be polite, wish him well but also make sure you leave NO doubt that it isn't going to work out between you EVER, and that he needs to move on because you are.

    Be prepared for a barrage of emails/phone calls/ turning up on your doorstep with him blaming you for wasting his time. Do not answer/respond and fuel his fire.

  10. #10
    lifesatrip
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    Yeah, get out now! This guy is not relationship material and sounds kind of creepy and controlling. My friend went through a similar situation with a guy (he also had aspbergers), he started out nice and sweet and clingy and as she started putting more boundaries up, he became manipulative and nasty. He even said similar lines as this guy. The more time she spent in contact with him, the more it became apparent that he had either no concept or no respect for personal boundaries. It will be kinder to him and easier for you if you end it now.

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