My sister didn't ask about how I was after seeing my childhood abuser.

I need advice on how to bring this up . . . it's been a week and I'm still bothered by it. Recently I had to go out of town with my sister for a family function - I haven't visited this place since I was about 21, because an older family member there sexually molested me when I was 12. My mother and father don't know, for reasons I won't go into, but I told my sister about it back when the memory resurfaced - it was about 5 years ago that I told her. She is the only member of my family who knows.

I had to go to this family function, and I had to see the guy who abused me. I was really nervous about it and I mentioned it on the plane on the way there. My sister hasn't asked me once, either while we were there or since we've been home, how I was doing with it. I guess I felt like she was my only ally when we were there, and she didn't even seem to remember or acknowledge what I told her. I want to bring it up with her when I see her tomorrow but I don't know what to say.

If you have specific words to say, even, that would help. Help please?

Is it possible she was abused by this person as well? Maybe that is why she's not bringing it up? Child molesters often don't just abuse one child.

It is a sensitive subject and she may not want to rip the bandage off the wound by mentioning it. I would NOT fault her for not asking. She might figure that if you are ready to talk about it - you will. Please don't talk to her about "why didn't you ask me about it??" rather, "i would really like to talk about how i feel...do you have a minute to listen?" and tell her how you feel about the trip, not about her not asking.

It is a sensitive subject and she may not want to rip the bandage off the wound by mentioning it. I would NOT fault her for not asking. She might figure that if you are ready to talk about it - you will. Please don't talk to her about "why didn't you ask me about it??" rather, "i would really like to talk about how i feel...do you have a minute to listen?" and tell her how you feel about the trip, not about her not asking.

Yes it could be that she doesn't want to hurt you more so she doesn't bring it up.

I am sorry that you had to face this person.

Thank you both for your prompt replies.

I was wondering if maybe she just didn't know what to say. Maybe you are right about her not wanting to rip the bandage off.

I am pretty sure she was not abused by him. Thank God for that.

I was abused as a child as well I know my sibling has problems discussing that with me. He doesn't want me to hurt any more than I have been. It is also painful for him to think that that happened to me. He has guilt as well that I was molested trying to protect him. So remember it is painful for her as well. It is also a topic no one really wants to talk about but I know sometimes we have to. I know you are just looking for support but maybe she does not know how to give it.

I am pretty sure she was not abused by him. Thank God for that.

You could be surprised. Just as you have kept secrets she could be as well. I kept a 40 year secret from my entire family that I was abused at six as well not just at 13. I did not tell my mother until a few months ago.

Victoria, how did you begin to come to terms with what happened to you? I know that I avoid it. I always have been good at putting things out of my mind that have to do with pain. I think it's time to come face to face with it but I feel so scared and I don't know how to start.

O boy, I know how you feel and I am not even sure whether I have an answer for you on how to bring it up with your sister.

I think people, who did not live this nightmare of abuse, can never understand what it means, what it does to a person.

She may have even feelings of “displaced” guilt, that it happened to you and not to her. Or she may have felt lucky that it was not her, when you told her and feels ashamed about that feeling. It is a subject that very little people handle well.

But you mentioned to her that you were nervous. So in my opinion she could have asked at least: “Are you o.k.?” when that family function was over.

So perhaps you could mention that to her when you see her. “Hey, remember that I told you that I was nervous for this family function? I told you what this person did to me when I was a young girl. I would have appreciated if you would have asked whether I was o.k. after that was over.”

First off my parents knew what happened me at 13. It went to court. I had therapy from 14 to 16 but I don't remember it. I have been back in therapy for 8 months now after 33 years of avoiding it. My panic disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder got too bad to avoid it anymore. Personally, I feel the only way to go and learn to deal with how you feel is in therapy. This is not something you can do alone. We don't have the skills to do it alone. Avoiding it will catch up with you I promise you that. It is also something that you have to seek therapy for at different stages in your life because you are always continually processing it as you age. So this is a lifetime journey. It is not something that you will treat once and put away.

My counselor also has another saying "secrets make people sick." And this is true nobody can offer you support and help if they don't know. Also this person who abused you gets to win and go on to abuse other children. They don't stop abusing other children. When you are ready this is something you must tell your family.

I also do not attend any function that my abuser attends not at all whatsoever. I don't care who wants me there I'm not going. I have the support of my mother ,my father ,my step dad,my sibling and my husband. And that carries me through great deal.

I think people, who did not live this nightmare of abuse, can never understand what it means, what it does to a person.

 

She may have even feelings of “displaced” guilt, that it happened to you and not to her. Or she may have felt lucky that it was not her, when you told her and feels ashamed about that feeling. It is a subject that very little people handle well.

I have thought this as well, that she just doesn't understand. I hope that Victoria is not right and that she might be burying it too. I don't know when this guy would have had the opportunity to molest her; we have only visited them twice as a family in the last twenty years. I hope he didn't get around to it.

I did sort of feel that at least an "Are you holding up okay?" would have been nice. That is why I am upset. But maybe as the others said, she thought about bringing it up and didn't because she didn't want to upset me if I was okay. I held it together pretty well, but then I am great at pretending things are alright.

Victoria, I know you are right about the counseling. I think about it at least once a week but something always seems to stop me; any excuse to bury it again and keep on doing what I'm doing.

The function I attended was a funeral, and it meant a lot to me that I went despite him. I thought about not going because of him then I thought, why should I be deprived of saying goodbye just because of that loser. I am so thankful that he lives far, far away. Otherwise, who knows how long the abuse would have continued.

Victoria, I know you are right about the counseling. I think about it at least once a week but something always seems to stop me; any excuse to bury it again and keep on doing what I'm doing.

 

The function I attended was a funeral, and it meant a lot to me that I went despite him. I thought about not going because of him then I thought, why should I be deprived of saying goodbye just because of that loser. I am so thankful that he lives far, far away. Otherwise, who knows how long the abuse would have continued.

I did the same thing ,any old excuse not to go to therapy. I did that for 33 years until I completely fell apart. I almost had a complete nervous breakdown and collapse while on holiday. Eventually it festers inside you and breaks you down. But you have to do the therapy when you are ready I know that. Just don't make it too long like I did. You will really regret that.

I am happy to tell you though that I am doing much better! I am figuring out more and more things and becoming happier and happier each week that goes by. My family has noticed very incredible changes in me as well. So please don't leave it too long. Count yourself as worthwhile for therapy!

I'm glad to hear that you are doing so well. I hope the positive trend continues for you! Saw in your sig that you've got a 20-year anni coming up, congrats on that too.

I wonder if therapy has the same effect if you go when you are not having a crisis? Like, maybe there is something about having a crisis that makes us psychologically more receptive to therapy? Or maybe it's just the intent and your determination that make it effective. Or maybe you just have to stick with it and not give up after four or five months, like I've done twice . . . Or you just keep going back, again and again.

I am just determined to be better! No one is going to hold me back anymore, not even myself. The thing is when the therapy gets painful and difficult then you know it's working. That's not the point to give up. My counselor tells me it's like shaking a box of rocks you never know what's going to crawl out of the bottom. But you have to sit with whatever crawls out of the bottom and look at it and examine and get through it. Sometimes you can do that quickly and sometimes you have to do it slowly.

I don't think you have to be in crisis go to therapy and have it work. I was like you I was a rock and nothing brought me down and I was very good at pretending. In fact I was very prideful of that fact. But pride comes before the fall so they say. And it was that way for me. Please don't get the point of crisis you won't like it.

I did sort of feel that at least an "Are you holding up okay?" would have been nice. That is why I am upset. But maybe as the others said, she thought about bringing it up and didn't because she didn't want to upset me if I was okay. I held it together pretty well, but then I am great at pretending things are alright.

Don't expect her to know what to say or to say anything. If you are great at pretending things are alright, she probably thought you were okay or mistook any hesitation or distress for very garden variety grieving since you are at a funeral after all. She also has her own grief to be concerned with. She didn't go solely for your purposes, I would imagine, but to also grieve the deceased.

SpottiOtti, if you think it is helpful for you, I'll post here my story as well and I'll tell you how I deal with it. But it will have to come in a couple of posts. Just let me know.

Well, no, of course she didn't go just for me. I realize also that she had her own stuff to deal with.

Blue Skirt, if you are comfortable sharing your story I would be grateful to hear it. If you'd rather, you can PM me too.

I am comfortable sharing it, but I just wanted to make sure you are ok to hear it.

Oh, I see. Thanks for asking. Yes, please share.

I just realized that the reason I am upset about her not bringing it up, is because I feel as though she is rejecting that part of me. I know that doesn't mean it is true and also that I am hypersensitive to this perceived rejection, because I have felt since it happened that I am fundamentally unclean and unlovable, and I look for evidence that this is so. I feel that people will come to see, sooner or later, how dirty and unworthy I am, and they will reject me. At the same time I crave acceptance, for my total self. Anyone else identify with this feeling?

SpottiOtti, my 4 year older brother started to molest me, when I was eleven and I was able to make him stop when I was almost sixteen. I was never raped but he was touching my intimate/female parts. It happened in his room, he would “seduce” me to come to his room by asking whether I wanted to hear music. And since he was the only one except my parents who had a radio, I went to his room. It also happened in my room, when I was doing my homework or when I had gone to bed already at night.

I never told my parents, I was too scared, too ashamed, I never had the courage. Around age 22, I was having a very difficult time. I was crying a lot, felt horrible. I was still living at my parents’ place.

I remember one night when I was in my room and my sister came and asked what was wrong with me. Still, I was too ashamed and I remember that I told her again and again: “I can’t tell you, I can’t tell you”. I have said that a couple of times. Then finally I told her (and I don’t know whether it translates well in English what I said to her in my native language) that my brother had bothered me. I never used the word molestation, I never used the word abuse, I could not say those words, but I think “he bothered me” is the closest translation of what I said.

We had agreed that she would talk to my mother and we would take it from there. And then nothing happened. My sister did not come back to me and my mother never spoke about it. I had finally found the courage to speak to the best I could and nothing happened. I had asked for help and it turned out I was left alone.

I discussed that years later with my sister and she said she could not remember having that conversation with me. Whereas for me, that conversation is engraved in my memory. It’s like it happened yesterday. She was never abused by him she told me. But we never spoke about it again. However at that occasion, my sister told me, that my mother was abused by her brother and my paternal grandmother by her grandfather or stepdad.

I also need to tell you a story about something that happened at the family doctors office when I was around age 11, which has also played an important role in my life.

So more to come from me, but I have to do bit by bit. Hang in there!

I'm so sorry that you went through that. Also that you asked for help and didn't get any. It sounds like there was a culture of abuse in your family. Do you think your sister was telling the truth when she said that she wasn't molested too?

I wonder sometimes if there wasn't a culture of sexual abuse in that part of my family too, because of some things I have seen and heard over the years.