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Do you think this is worth waiting for?


learning112

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Was dating this guy who broke up w me because of long distance (will be 1 year for sure, maybe several more) and also because he said his parents would disown him since I'm not his culture/religion. But even the day he Broke up w me, he was crying & saying "nothing has to change between us just because we're not officially dating, other than the obvious stuff like not having sex... I'll still take care of you & I still want to see you, I care about you so much." Well I blew him off for a while, & he eventually literally came to find me when he knew I was playing at an orchestra concert. Said stuff about how he can't handle me being mad at him- it depresses him & he can't live without me.

 

So recently we hung out a few times. It's been very romantic, lots of making out & saying sweet things. But i assumed we still werent gonna be dating again. Then he surprised me by saying "So let's take things slow & see how it goes, ok? ... Ive just never felt this way about anyone before... Youre so amazing and i cant be without you." Meaning- we will know in a few months whether we'll be super super far apart next year or not bad, & he wants to reconsider going against his family apparently too. In the meantime he refuses to have sex bc he said he never wants to do anything wrong or hurt me so "until we're sure this will be a permanent thing, I'll wait, as hard as it is." here's my question- in the meantime, do I Date others? What is going on here? The "answer" won't come for another 3 months meaning Whether we'll be "too far" apart for multiple more years.

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If he comes from a culture where his family would disown him for marrying someone not of their culture and religion, especially Middle Eastern/Indian/Pakistani, etc. you need to take that very seriously. No matter how much the guy may love you, the loyalty to the family wins out 99% of the time and he'll leave you for someone of his culture, probably someone the family arranges for him to marry. That culture takes family very seriously. For them, the family disowning them doesn't mean they get a little ticked at him and eventually come around. No, he will be DEAD to them, they fully intend to never speak to him again and will cut him off from all the family money, etc.

 

Date him if you want, but I would not plan on a future with him that included marriage and children.

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But it sounds like he's saying he may end up being able to convince his family in the end after all. Regardless- right now is it wrong if I casually date others? Should I ask him first, "given everything you've said, are we exclusively dating right now or not?"

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I don't think it's wrong to date others if you don't have any kind of exclusive committment to each other. And I think you should make the decision if you're exclusive or not In other words, I think you should tell him what YOU are doing instead of asking him what he thinks you're doing.

 

I said what I said in the other post because it happened to a friend of mine. She was involved with a guy for TWELVE years. He was supposedly madly in love with her, had taken her to meet his family, who pretty much snubbed her and spoke rudely to her, or amongst themselves in another language....that she happened to be fluent in, lol. In the end, he went on a business trip to another country and started dating a woman almost 20 years younger than him from the same culture that the families threw together with an ultimatum. She didn't want to be married, either, but the families insisted, thy wanted grandchildren, and he tearfully broke off the 12-year relationship with my friend, promising he'd always love her, blah blah blah. But he just couldn't stomach the idea of his family disowning him.

 

Like I said, date him, but hold onto your heart.

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I just wonder if the best way to approach this is to ask, "So to be clear, do you consider us exclusively dating at this point or just friends? Because I'd like to be in an exclusive relationship " -which is true- "but it doesn't sound like you're sure of that right now."

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I think you need to leave him. If he should decide he can convince his family someday, then he should contact you AT THAT TIME down the road and if you are single, then you decide if you want a relationship. Staying with him in all but name won't have a positive result.

 

I agree that you can 'date' without looking for a commitment but that means casual dating - not a LDR that involves commitment to keep it going. And not as someone's backup plan.

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Here's the thing. If he really wanted, he could choose to commit to me right now. Despite the potential distance or family pushback. He's not, so what right does he have to keep me from dating? I should ask him, do you consider us exclusively dating or just friends for now?

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Here's the thing. If he really wanted, he could choose to commit to me right now. Despite the potential distance or family pushback. He's not, so what right does he have to keep me from dating? I should ask him, do you consider us exclusively dating or just friends for now?

 

I would not even poke that tiger with a stick. You have been through all the "what are we" to make him say it. It took me a minute to remember your story - but now I MOST definitely do. All 15 pages of it ( and the thread was closed because it had run its course). Its over - so why are you clinging to this and not moving on. YOU are choosing to beat a dead horse by continuing to communicate with him! Why are you obsessed with this. if he can commit to you any time he wants. HE IS NOT.

 

e's not, so what right does he have to keep me from dating? I should ask him, do you consider us exclusively dating or just friends for now?

 

YOU are the one who is preventing yourself from dating. You got to the point of having had enough and went on some dates. Why are you back at this? He can say ANYTHING he wants about missing you, etc, and wanting a fake relationship - and why are you listening to it?? Why not date some nice guys that are physically around you after you cut this guy out of your life and have time to heal?

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I'm listening to it because I actually believe that he wants to be with me & he's just learning what it's like to be in love & have an adult relationship for the first time, learning that it will require sacrifice. But maybe it isn't a bad idea to ask & give him the chance to say he wants to be exclusive, & if he says "I don't know right now" then I'll say ok, then start dating others.

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I'm listening to it because I actually believe that he wants to be with me & he's just learning what it's like to be in love & have an adult relationship for the first time, learning that it will require sacrifice. But maybe it isn't a bad idea to ask & give him the chance to say he wants to be exclusive, & if he says "I don't know right now" then I'll say ok, then start dating others.

 

You are absolutely kidding yourself.

 

Everyone has a level of sacrifice they are willing to make and a level they are not. You cannot "teach someone" to sacrifice more than they are willing. At your stage in life, you should not be sacrificing the very basic things that make you you and neither should he. It is a time when you can say NEXT and move on to find that person who is thrilled with the real you and there are no impediments to being with you. Sometimes distance separates us because of school and that should be the ONLY impediment for someone at your stage - and that should be with a man who is thrilled to be with you and can't wait to marry you when the time is right (an agreed upon time like when you finish school) or is moving heaven and earth to get in the same town. This is not that guy.

 

Totally different cultural background, different views on marriage and relationships PLUS an LDR? there is really nothing there. Its "nice" and 'sweet" that he cares for you but you need more than that. heck, the guy won't even introduce you to his family! he is telling you LOUD and CLEAR that he will never marry you and he won't introduce you to family. He wants to get everything he could get from a girlfriend but you won't be his girlfriend - and then he will marry an Indian girl. He would like that arrangement as long as you are compliant to it. ANd he is not easily swayed because he has stood firm in his beliefs.

 

he won't learn anything if you just stick with him and hope to mold and change him. And you keep giving him chances like "okay...i am walking out the door...see me leave...i am going now...i am for real this time...see me go...okay. do you really mean you don't want to be exclusive?"

 

The question is not will be be exclusive but will you respect yourself finally?

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So you are hoping to become the permanent long distance not-girlfriend, without all the usual relationship stuff such as sex etc???

 

What are you hoping to gain from this?

 

Why don't you believe that you deserve a full relationship with someone who makes you his priority above everybody else?

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No, he's not trying to make me into a girlfriend on the side. He actually refuses to sleep with me until we know (based on the distance issue) whether this can be something "permanent."

 

I never said anything about you being "on the side" to someone else - just that he will never make you his official girlfriend because he can't/won't.

 

You said:

 

But even the day he Broke up w me, he was crying & saying "nothing has to change between us just because we're not officially dating, other than the obvious stuff like not having sex..

 

Lots of boyfriends/girlfriends don't have sex for various reasons - being long distance due to schooling or military service or missionary work so not able to consummate, waiting for marriage, waiting for the right time (they just started dating or want to wait until a certain point), or medical procedures. lack of sex does not make the couple less of a couple! So you are willing to give him the conversation and the connection and are just saying because you are not having sex that makes it far from you being strung along.

 

The only way your strategy might work is if you cut out ALLLL contact with him. Otherwise, he doesn't think you are serious about your boundaries. You did that at first, but then you said he sounded so sad...

 

And the only way you will consider contact with him is if he decides to introduce you to his family and friends and make you his official girlfriend. He can call you when he has a date planned and a plane ticket for you to make that happen. Otherwise you don't want to hear from him. You respect yourself too much to play games. ANd he may never call you and say that. Or if he does, you might be with someone better.

 

But ask yourself - is this worth the fight FOR YOU? You are wanting him to give up an arranged marriage just to date you? There seems to be total sacrifice on his part to do that and he is NOT willing - either because you are not the girl or he really doesn't want to deviate from his culture. But that being said - if he sacrifices so much - what were YOu willing to sacrifice?? And i don't think EITHER of you should change to be with someone and should go your separate ways but its easy to tell someone else that they have to sacrifice for things to go how you want them.

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No, he's not trying to make me into a girlfriend on the side. He actually refuses to sleep with me until we know (based on the distance issue) whether this can be something "permanent."

 

But if he is going to have an arranged marriage - can it ever be permanent?

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Agree. But in the meantime, why would I expect him to move towards such a huge sacrifice if I'm dating others?

 

You shouldn't, but you've got it backwards.

 

The point is to let him know that unless he makes that that sacrifice, you're going to date other people.

 

If he loves you, it should be an easy choice to make.

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I totally agree with NorthDallas!

 

I also think that you have overlooked the fact of how manipulating he is. If he doesn't want to go against an arranged marriage - he could have just said 'sorry, i really care about you, but I am going to marry an Indian girl. if you would like to just go out with me and have a good time, i am up for that, but just know that it won't last. But we could have a good run. Or I could only offer you friendship. But it is your choice." A guy like that who can be that honest has guts as much as the guy who stands up to his parents against arranged marriage who doesn't want one. VERSUS what he is doing - sort of putting the blame on his parents and snivelling to you about how he "can't help things" and wants you in "every way but that". He wants a violin to play. And you are falling for it. He might really believe he is helpless, or he wants an arranged marriage and is just placating you.

 

Either way - he is being loud and clear.

 

As long as you sit and wait for him he will do NOTHING. You already put your cards on the table with him. He knows where you stand. You sounded strong at first when you put a line in the sand, but you keep giving him chances because you can "hear how sad he is".

 

You have to mean business. And all you are doing is listening to him and entertaining him and then you get frustrated again and want to tell him he has got to make a choice = a choice that he already has made. If he wanted to intro you to the folks, he would have.

 

This means cutting him off, getting more involved with the friends who are physically around you and eventually finding guys to date who someday want to get married even if its not at this moment or until a reasonable time - and its just a matter of finding the right woman and have enough time into the relationship to know that - and then to finish schooling, etc. And if you don't date - then fine. But you have to forget about him for now.

 

Do not even take ONE of his phone calls for at least the next six months no matter what their content is. Tell him that you don't want to hear from him as its clear that you will not have a future with him.

 

I want to ask - why are you trying SOOO hard to hit a square peg in a round hole? That's what I can't figure out.

 

I want to also say - if this guy sacrifices to be with you - what are you willing to sacrifice yourself. If he goes against his family then you have to accept his family unconditionally. You can't dump him because the culture of his family is more than your bargained for or the involvement they insist on having in your courtship or relationship.

 

DO you really think you want to marry this guy or do you just want something you can't have so that makes a spineless young man or a young man who is not spineless but shares no beliefs with you really, really attractive???

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