(sigh) Am I crazy?

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting to a forum ever. I'm just tired of holding this sick, sad feeling all the time.

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years. We were best friends for a little while beforehand.

When we were friends, we could talk about anything and nonsense for ages. He made a great effort to talk to me and see me. Quite soon after beginning our relationship, he began commenting on other women, and not just staring but quite blatantly gawking at other women. He would describe them as hot and gorgeous and has never used these terms to describe me. He would also lie to my face about checking out a woman even though I had been watching him for about 3-5 minutes. I understand that men look at women, that's not the issue, as I look at other men. The fact that he stares for so long, lies to me and does not show me the same kind of affection is what is upsetting. When we go out for dinner, he stares at other women and we barely talk anymore: it's eat and go.

His last girlfriend left him because she felt he couldn't trust him, and he apparently kissed another girl when they were together. He denies it, and when we were just friends I believed him, however now I am seeing where her distrust may have grown from.

Anyway, I have had talks with him about his attitude towards other women and how it makes me feel and how he forgets to show me the same affection. He always seems genuinely sorry (albeit also very pissed off).

There has been a new girl apprentice at his work he talked about a lot. I also noticed in his internet history he would check out her Facebook profile all the time, everyday at one point. He would say she is the 'coolest, most awesome laid back apprentice we've ever had'. I discovered there are actually 5 apprentices at his work, none of the others I have heard about. I asked him if he liked her and he got very upset and defensive, I believe that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but I feel he also enjoys flirting with her. She texts him sometimes and he does't tell me about it. Harmless stuff, I don't think she's interested in him but he seems to be a bit.

Anyway, I came home from a weekend away recently and when I asked him how his afternoon was he smiled in such a weird way, like he was trying hard not to, then refused to look me in the eye. I have only ever seen him do this once before, the same odd smile and eye contact avoidance after I asked him how his night out was with some workmates in the city, and whether he got lucky. I said 'ooh that's a sneaky smile! What have you been up to?' Then he got very defensive and said 'I haven't done anything!' He also didn't want me to use his computer but I did and I saw the internet history had been deleted. His says he doesn't look at porn. Hmmm..... Not that I care at all! I like porn too! It's the obvious lies that hurt, this person was my best friend! So he still hasn't told me what he got up to, even though he drank a whole bottle of wine. He had flowers delivered to me today though, which is lovely, but he hasn't bought me flowers since the very beginning of our relationship, so although they are lovely, it seems to me that someone has a guilty conscience. He has done may wonderful things though, he helped me buy a car, we live together and I am afternoon teaching guitar lessons from his house, I've met both his parents and we seem them regularly, however I'm just finding it hard to trust him completely. Am I being crazy? He makes 'jokes' all the time about women belonging in the kitchen, and will always ask me to do the most piddly little jobs for him before he considers doing it for himself. Sex has been very boring lately and one-sided (his profit). I just feel unappreciated, taken or granted. I do all the house work, go to the gym, am growing my hair down to my butt for him! am flat out with 2 jobs and full-time university, am always up for sex and yet it often feels like a mother-child relationship. (sigh) Anyway, there's my rant. I have the flowers sitting in front go me and am unsure whether to feel good or not.

Sam.

You can do better. He should make you feel nothing but happy, with occasional frustration...but never sad.

Agree with Redrose. You can do a LOT better than this guy. He isn't making you happy.