A girl who was my best friend, then friendzoned me when admitted my feelings

[matt damon]

Hello,

Here is my story

I am 22 but since high school I really liked this girl and I think she sort of liked me, we were 17,18 at the time but I blew my chances of asking her out because of my lack of experience at that game. I really loved her and I wanted to just ask her out but I did not have the balls as that would be my first time. Then later on while i moved to university, we still kept in touch but then she told me about her plan to go to the Germany for her education and that left me broken hearted because I realized I blew the chance with her so I had a fight with her before she left, did not attend her going away party and then we did not speak for about 2 years. Early question is, if i did not tell her yet I liked her, how did I know I blew my chance and that she liked me ? You will find out later in the story.

Then moving on, she contacted me saying we should be friends blah blah and like a sissy I accepted it. It hurt me so much inside to see her that she was dating other guys, enjoying life with them and here I am just another of her friends. The worst part, when they would cheat on her, thats when id be there to pick up the pieces, make her feel good and ready till she dates another guy. Then she decided she was coming back home for vacation so I got excited and thinking I can make something happen this time BUT her boyfriend came as well and i said I want to meet her alone, not with anyone else, she respected that cause she knew I still liked her.

We met for a very brief moment before she left, and shared a pretty close intense moment and she left again, which unfortunately was on my birthday making me feel awful. A couple weeks later, we met up online and she said, you know what lets date and try this long distance relationship thing. I was so happy, let me add, while she was back home, she broke up with her boyfriend. Withing 1 week she said she wants to end things because she dint see it working out and in 2-3 days she was dating another guy.

I stopped talking to her for a while and thought Id move on cause she has broken me already quite a few times till now until she started chatting with me again obviously cause someone broke her heart again. I am a software programmer and I won this competition to reperesent my country in Berlin so what did I do? I could invite anyone in the world to join me, I invited her. We met after a long time in berlin and this time i said i would leave no stone unturned and I would either make it or break it and thats what happened on our final night in berlin. I said, i am thinking of coming back to the states after a couple of years of making enough money (i was a programmer with a job now). She said why, i said i dunno just like the Germany. The she confronted me, that she thought i still liked her. I said yes, its true i do.

Hoping for something positive, I lost it all in one sentence, she said I have nothing to offer you, I do not see you that way. I have done things with other guys we have not done. I was broken, for 4 years I wanted this one girl and finally she did rejected me head on. Then she said, I had the chance on christmas to ask her out and that I blew it (remember I said, later on your will find out how I came to know I had a chance)I left her room then and there but then thought let me spend one night with her and forget about her. Her flight was early next morning, she slept, i was there all night just staring at her. When we went for breakfast next day, i just dint speak to her, i was broken, she felt bad and told me things which made it even worse stuff like, Shawn Ive done things with guys that we've never done and ok lets date but lets not be exclusive. I just did not speak, dropped her to the airport and i said, good luck with your life but I'll never see you again and i just stopped her from hugging me and i left.

I came back and I was broken but i was determined to move on so i got involved in programming, football and other girls when i returned. I was a bit of a jerk to some other girls initially because of what happened to me, I dint care but within few months, i got my normal, nice self back and started dating this really amazing girl.

Fast forward now, I have been going out with this girl for over a year, on the cusp of starting my new company and getting fitter all the time. So what's the problem ? I am happy yes, but I do think of this girl still. Also because she has tried to get in touch with me a lot of times through chat, facebook, msn, linkedin, skype, emails, asking to connect on linked in, I have ignored them all. I still keep in touch with her parents because I created their nursery website and her mother is a very nice person. She had a stroke recently so I don't really want to suddenly act like a bad person. I am pretty sure they like me a lot as well.

I know this because she called me from an annonymous number once and I just dint want to speak to her and this was when she just graduated how her dad had a talk with her and they talked about life and marriage and all that and he even said, she would never meet a better guy than me so she told me this on the phone and I just ignored her and just kept it general.

Again I did not get in touch for a while until her brothers came and told me that she was in a bad moment and she thereatened to take her life and all that and I should speak to her because I am the only one who can help her. I just told her not to be stupid and gave her a confidence talk and distanced myself again. I did this because I know she is dramatic and probably would not go through with her threat, but I never want her life to be lost if there was the slightest chance.

Now its been like say, 1 year again, she contacted me again now on email saying hasnt the silence (maybe 1-2 years) gone on enough now. Can't we be friends again ? I am tired of hearing about you from my mum, I want to know about you from you. After all we were best friends in high school?

Again with this best friend thing. I am not interested in that.

This might sound cruel but I do not want her back, but I want closure. I want her to feel bad for what she has done to me which is
- Always using me when she is down but never let me be her boyfriend
- Used me for school work, being strong for her, her shoulder to cry on
- Ok I blew my chance but am I not human ?
- I treated her like a princess, never asked for anything physical even respected her but she kept going for guys who do not
- Always gave her confidence and self respect when she felt the world was against her
- I am sure now she wants to get back and I am sure her parents also must have made her realize

I don't know if i should reply or not to the email but I do want her to realize that what she did break and I do want her back.

I'll admit i still have feelings for her but please note, if there came a crazy day where she came and proposed to me, I would say No and I have realized, I will get over her and time is a healer. Right now, I just want her to feel awful for the way she has treated me all these years.

Please tell me what I should do.

Matt.

[nutbrownhare]

As you have seen, your own life really started coming together once you moved on and had no contact with this girl.

You've already had closure, in the sense of talking about how you felt about each other and knowing that you were not on the same page. Stop needing her to feel bad so you can feel better. If she's in a bad emotional state, it's her responsibility to get help - professional if necessary. You can do nothing to help her, though you can introduce pain and drama into your own life by continuing any involvement with her.

What really strikes me in all this is how very unfair you are being to your current girlfriend who you describe as 'a really amazing girl' and who risks being hurt through no fault of her own.

Either make it very clear to the first one that you want nothing to do with her, and commit yourself emotionally to your current, healthy relationship. Or finish with your current girlfriend, be honest with yourself that you never really let go - and get back on the merry-go-round with the first one, with all the drama, chaos and damage to your self esteem that will entail. You've known her for long enough to guess the way it'll go.

I know which I'd do.

[termus123]

Did you only become friends with her because you liked her and out of fear of rejection or w/e reason decided that you'll be her friend? Or did you 2 actually become friends first and you developed feelings for her later?

Theres a fundamental difference between the 2 scenarios.

If you became friends with her first and developed feelings later, it means that you 2 CAN become/stay friends and there are friendship qualities between the 2 of you, why throw so many years of friendship/investment out the window like that? Is she a terrible friend? I.E she never helps you when you ask her for help? If shes a bad friend then you really should of gone N.C a long time ago.

If you only became her "friend" because you liked her and wanted to date her then here is your chance now? All these years of "friendship" has paid off?

I would say, if you are single then give her a chance but this time act yourself, don't be her "friend" anymore and see how she does as a partner, not a friend or a girl you liked but friendzoned you.

I'm sensing a lot of hate from you concerning her, a lot of it is really your own fault. You get the feeling shes always "using" you but aren't you equally to blame for letting her use you? I mean you find someone who does everything for you, you are going to keep that person as a friend and want that person in your life forever aren't you?

You seem to think that if you tried hard enough, she will fall in love with you so you tried hard and harder and harder until one day you broke. It is a common thing with guys, we think we are heroes, if we keep at, that girl will fall in love with us but we tend to forget that the more investment you put into something with diminishing returns, the harder it will hit you once the diminishing returns become 0 and there is no longer any hope left.

I'm just saying, you got what you wanted, shes realised what a mistake shes made and wants you back, if you are single or found yourself single then give her a shot and look at her/judge as a partner, not as a friend anymore and forgive her for the past, you were both young and made equal amount of mistakes.

[matt damon]

Hello,

Thank you for your advice nutbrownhare

I think you are right, sorry I know you are right. I am being unfair and I will end it with the other girl before something good actually gets ruined. So should I just mention in the email that I want nothing to do with her and finish it off right ? I will do that. Thanks again, your advice could not have come sooner

[matt damon]

Thank You termus123

It is the first one, I liked her from the beginning and as I said, i was a bit inexperienced with what should be my first move and hecne we became friends. Out of a fear of rejection, I actually became good friends with her. But deep inside she knew I liked her in a different way but as you know girls very rarely ask guys out or reveal their feelings so I guess she was waiting for me. If anything I will agree this part was my fault.

After this, she led me on a few times as you could see but as you point out, there were several times where I could have stopped myself from being used but I did not and you are very right where you try so desperately hard and you invest so much that you do not think for a moment what happens if it does not work. I learnt that the hard way but I will take some of your advice and the guy before you, this thing to me is over.

I am done with that girl and thought making her feel bad would somehow be the answer but I know it is not. I should be less dramatic, end it and move on otherwise I am treating my current girlfriend who I mentioned in my first story the same way I was treated by the first girl, using her to get me out of a bad situation and then going back to the drama with this one.

I will never say no it was not my fault, I agree but also now I have the chance to rectify that and start something good with someone else.

Thank You

[termus123]

No worries Matt,

You seem to be very definitive with your decision and ready to move on, this is great, treat your current gf as well as you tried to treat your best friend and don't bring any baggage into the relationship and I'm sure you will be golden and make her very happy =).

Best of luck.

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, it would be a good idea to contact your drama queen, tell her you are happily in a relationship, and that she is part of a past you want to leave behind you. Tell her that any continued contact between you, however you like to label it, won't do either of you any good. And that you won't be participating. Wish her well in life (forgiveness is an essential part of closure, too) and leave it at that.

Then stand by it and don't respond to any future messages from her.

It is important to forgive - which does not mean AT ALL that you're saying her conduct was OK - because otherwise you will be carrying round a little bundle of bitterness and resentment. Won't do anything to affect her, but it will leave you feeling just that - bitter and resentful. Neither of these are good feelings. And even if she does feel bad, that won't do anything to make you feel better. You're the only one who can do that.

Well done for spotting that you risk treating your current girlfriend the way you were treated! And even better for not going there!

Good luck with all this, and especially with your lovely lady!