I feel completely devastated on one hand, and numb on the other hand. I've been posting on here for four months, so many of you probably know my story. Boyfriend broke up with me in December, listing reasons like depression and wanting to move out of state. He kept coming back though, and then leaving again. We finally officially got back together beginning of March. Then he got a cold sore, and got distant for three weeks. He's never had a cold sore before, so I asked whether he had kissed the girl that he went out on one date with while we were broken up. He said no, and got upset at me for asking that question. He said that I have trust issues. Refused to see me for three weeks. Here's the link for my three weeks of doubting myself: [Register to see the link] Then we worked it out because I apologized. Things have been okay since then. We have a cruise that we're leaving on next week, so we were excited about that. Not perfect, but it was starting to get back to normal.
He stayed the night last night. We had sex for the first time in a long time, and it was great. I took a shower this morning, and came to him and dropped my towel afterward. He covered me up in the towel, and sat me down on the bed. And confessed that he had been having sex with a girl from work since the first week after our breakup. He said that he tried to cut it off after we got back together, but he slept with her during those three weeks that he refused to see me while he had a cold sore. We were officially a couple during that time.
So, I'm sitting there naked in a towel on my bed listening to all this. I just feel like crap. I can't even process it all. It literally disgusts me to think of him with her. She started flirting with him probably a year ago, and he always swore that he was never attracted to her. But she acted inappropriately, so he agreed to not see her outside of work. So, somehow it's worse that it was her. And it's not like it was a one time thing with a girl that he met at a bar. It was repeatedly, with her, over four months. And it was after we got back together.
And the really screwed up part is that he made me feel guilty throughout the past month for having trust issues. He said that I was imagining things, seeing things that weren't there. I apologized to him. I tried so hard to be the perfect girlfriend so that he wouldn't leave me again. And during all of it, he was sleeping with her. And they had oral sex. It's so disgusting thinking that I kissed him after he had oral sex with her. But what kind of person makes their partner feel guilty for having trust issues while they know that they're sleeping with someone? That's just so horrible.
And the other worst part is that people kept telling me that there might be someone else. And I defended him. I'll admit, I do have trust issues. With prior relationships, I was quick to assume cheating. But I didn't with him. I trusted him. He was different. He was better than my other exes. He was a better man. He was christian, and he had the same values that I did. He was supposed to be better. And he did this.
And then to make it even really screwed up, there's a part of me that wishes I didn't know. There's a part of me that still wants to be with him. I can't believe I said that. But I'm disappointed that we won't be going on a great cruise together next week now. What does that say about me? Why can't I just be pissed and telling him to screw himself.