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My friend J (the one in a condo ) had recently reconnected with her former coworker/friend from 20 years ago. He told her he is in the hospital and is dying, due to deterioration of the heart.

 

She is very distraught about this. He lives in another state, but they have been talking on the phone every night for 3 hours, so now she says she has fallen in love with him. I'm so worried about her mental health - in a way this seems like a diversion from her own deep troubles.

 

I've known her for 30 years, and have never seen her so tenuous in her mental health. I mean this guy is going to die unless he gets a heart transplant. So, I see the disaster in the making.

 

This is my friend whose dad died of dementia 4 years ago, then her mom died of dementia and strokes 1 year ago. Then her brother died (very unexpectedly) 1 month later of a heart attack. She went through deep depression for a year, and I was just seeing some improvement until she started running out of money.

 

She has one brother left, but he seems to have bipolar disorder - at least we think he does. Because he goes through periods of accusing her and others of crazy stuff, and he won't speak to her for a while. For example, he accused his step dad of colluding with his ex wife to block him from custody of his boys.

 

The only thing wrong with that theory - his sons are in their late 20s and are in the armed services, stationed elsewhere far away. They just choose not to communicate much with their dad because he was so abusive and unpredictable while they were growing up.

 

I'm just worried about her - and also me, because I am pretty much her support system, if something happens to her.

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He lives in another state, but they have been talking on the phone every night for 3 hours, so now she says she has fallen in love with him. I'm so worried about her mental health - in a way this seems like a diversion from her own deep troubles.

 

That's what it sounds like. What can you do for her, though? Is she perhaps a member of a church? Maybe you could reach out to members of that congregation?

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That's what it sounds like. What can you do for her, though? Is she perhaps a member of a church? Maybe you could reach out to members of that congregation?

 

She is an active member of a congregation/community, so there is that.

 

She called me this afternoon while I was just finishing up work, because she had an idea. She was thinking of flying down to California to see him. The thing is - she has no money so she would have to charge it. And, she has only temp work, so if she isn't available to work, she gets no pay.

 

Already she hasn't worked enough days for her next paycheck to pay her mortgage or health insurance expenses.

 

She called a few friends for advice. One said to go for it. The other asked her what a personal visit would do when she could say things over the phone to say her goodbyes.

 

I asked her lots of questions, reminded her of her mortgage payment, and told her to say anything she would want to say to him in case he should die tonight. I also pointed out that she could make plans to go down, but he might die before she gets there.

 

Now she is thinking she might fly down when he gets better and then drive him up to Oregon to recuperate at her place.

 

I said she will be no good to him if she ends up homeless and out of work. And she agreed.

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My friend J...

Now she is planning to live with that guy, once he is out of the hospital. She is planning on getting him on the heart transplant list, then after he has a transplant and once he has recovered enough, she will move him up to Portland to live with her.

 

He asked her to marry him.

 

They have not actually seen each other for 20 years - these are plans from over the phone.

 

I have never seen her so out of touch with reality, and I've known her for 30 years.

 

I keep telling her to enjoy right now, rather than making these elaborate plans. The guy is likely going to die in the next few months. But she is in a state of euphoria with all the "plans" to get him fixed up and better, so they can be a couple.

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My friend texted me last night to say that she thinks her "boyfriend" is dying after all.

 

He has been in the hospital down in California and she lives in Oregon.

 

She had all these plans of moving him up here, getting him on a heart transplant list, and she would be his caregiver.

 

I think his organs are shutting down. I believe he has diabetes too. So, pretty medically fragile.

 

I've been trying to guide her toward reality, but she wouldn't listen. I think she is finally facing reality now.

 

I'll call her tonight to see if she wants to talk.

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She had all these plans of moving him up here, getting him on a heart transplant list, and she would be his caregiver.

 

I think his organs are shutting down. I believe he has diabetes too. So, pretty medically fragile.

 

I've been trying to guide her toward reality, but she wouldn't listen. I think she is finally facing reality now.

 

I'll call her tonight to see if she wants to talk.

 

:(

 

Went to my oncologist today. One more appointment next year, and then he'll release me. I'm ten years out!

 

Wonderful news :D

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I did talk with my friend J. She may be facing at least some of the reality. She had planned to get a temporary registration in order to drive his car up to Oregon while he would fly up to move here. But now she decided not to spend the money quite yet, because she is not sure he will be able to come up here. So, that is encouraging that she is acknowledging the severity of the situation.

 

I will go up to Portland during spring break to help her clear out her guest room, which is full of boxes of papers, inherited items from her deceased mom and dad and brother, and junk. She thinks it is so she can get ready for him to move up to Portland , but I think it is to get her room ready so she can have a roommate and defray the cost of her mortgage. It needs to be done, either way.

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She thinks it is so she can get ready for him to move up to Portland , but I think it is to get her room ready so she can have a roommate and defray the cost of her mortgage.

 

Something about this sentence strikes me as funny. It's like you're stubbornly (and rightly so!) ONLY going to help her get a roommate. But you just so happen to make room for the guy at the same time.

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Something about this sentence strikes me as funny. It's like you're stubbornly (and rightly so!) ONLY going to help her get a roommate. But you just so happen to make room for the guy at the same time.

 

Oh gosh, I guess I am trying to meddle. I just hate to see her suffer. She would do the same for me, if needed.

 

Sadly, her "bf" passed away today. She texted me this afternoon. I tried to call but she didn't answer. I told her to call when she can.

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I had a great talk with my friend J this morning. She is grieving for sure, and cried, and talked about him. But I think she had come to terms with the fact that he was dying. His creatinine levels had been increasing last week, and one day he wasn't making sense when they talked.

 

So that day she had texted his sister to say that she thought his time was near. The sister was in Georgia with her own health issues and couldn't get out there to see him.

The sister did notify J when he died, and she also thanked J for bringing joy to his life the last few months. Which was a very sweet thing to say.

 

I told J to find a grief support group through her faith community. And she is still going to clear out her office to make room for a renter. Probably not til spring break or this summer, but she has a plan.

 

I have a day off from work. I hope to get my hair cut and to catch up on the mess of my house.

 

On a side note - although it has been cold, I actually saw a few daffodils blooming yesterday! Crazy. A reminder that spring is around the corner.

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People around me are dying. I guess I'm getting to be that age. But it still punches you in the gut sometimes.

 

So a few weeks ago I went to a memorial service for someone from our church. He had cancer for 2 years and lost his battle. He was around 80, so he'd lived a long life. Great guy, funny, caring.

 

The same week, a spunky lady from our church lost her battle with cancer. She was 95. She was such a character but also had such wisdom. At 95 she actually used Facebook. They will have her memorial service later.

 

I was trying to get in touch with my older son's best friend from high school for a reunion of sorts. I saw on his Facebook that his mom was very sick with cancer. Apparently she died a few weeks ago, because a friend told me her obituary was in the paper a few days ago. So sad.

 

Cancer sucks

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So they hired a new co-worker at my job a few weeks ago. They did research her, called all her references, had her do some sample work, and then hired her as a 6 month temp.

 

She is not going to work out. Ugh. Already some people are up in arms. She is certainly well meaning, but ... OMG. Where do they find these people!

 

I'm still struggling with the contract employee that had messed things up. Although I think her boss finally got through to her, because that employee made some changes.

 

The rest of our staff is so completely awesome though. I am being challenged to update my skills, practices, and knowledge. But I'm doing it!

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On a different note, my friend J called me a few times yesterday, very depressed, very broke, and I am concerned about her.

 

She was going to go to a workshop yesterday on how to change careers, but snow prevented her from getting there. She was depressed, because the next one isn't until next month.

 

I told her that this is not going to be a quick fix. She is going to have to do some work to get there, and it may take a long time to make a change.

 

I get that she is burnt out in her current job. But she needs to keep working there until she has something different lined up.

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