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Thread: My Life- Thoughts and Happenings

  1. #11
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    Someone posted about how their bf had shoved them and then later had slapped them in anger, and they wanted know if it would get worse.

    It reminded me of my marriage. I was with him for 21 years, and early on he shoved me in an argument. I told him that if he ever put his hands on me again that I would leave him, even if I loved him.

    He knew I was serious, so that never happened again. But the anger dysfunction remained throughout our marriage and while I was able to set boundaries around physical abuse, I was less able to recognize and set boundaries around the mental abuse and his twisted thinking.

    I tried, but he really only conceded he was wrong in one argument that whole time. He was fierce and competitive. He said he was sorry only once ever.

    Whenever I knew I was right, I also refused to back down. But he always seemed to twist things around to blame things in me, and we would then argue about that too.

    While he never shoved me again, his anger was so fierce that he might throw a chair, or put a hole in the wall. It only happened a few times, but my kids and I worked very hard to make sure we didn't set him off.

    So, the anger may not have happened very often- maybe once a year or even less frequent. But we all knew the potential was there, along with the mental abuse. We walked on eggshells, avoiding the conflict as much as possible.

    It is so easy when your marriage fails, to romanticize the relationship and the person that is gone. You grieve for the wonderful things you miss, and indeed there were some wonderful times.

    But there were dark times too, and I had forgotten.

    It is a relief to be out from under his dysfunction.

    He never would admit to himself his issues, even when our counselors told him. He always twisted it around that they were wrong too.

    But what is interesting is that once he left our marriage, he actually started up individual counseling. Finally. And as far as I know, he has continued it for the past 4 years.

    Sad that he couldn't do it for our marriage. Sad that his gf gets the benefit.

    But ultimately it will be good for our sons to have a healthier dad.

    And it is a good time for me to reflect on why I was able to set boundaries on the physical abuse but not the mental.

  2. #12
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    So struggling with both my sons. Trying to get one through his last month of high school. The other will turn 13 in a few weeks, and hormones have hit! Crazy times...

    They are great kids, but this is an intense time for each- and I can't let up on my parenting for one minute. I wish their dad would keep up his parenting diligence too...

    On another note, I have had terrible muscle spasms for three days. I could not sleep because I was so uncomfortable. I have been taking ibuprofen and that has barely touched it. But yesterday I remembered a friend had the same issue when visiting me and she went and bought some magnesium citrate supplements.

    So I got some today and took one at dinner. And then fell asleep until midnight! Wow! I guess my body was out of balance!

  3. #13
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    Oh and I forgot to say that I am very grateful to hear that my sister and niece and cousin are all okay after the bombing. My sis and cousin were in a building that had to be evacuated because of the bomb.

    My sister had to walk home without her purse or phone or keys-all the way to her home in the suburbs. I don't know if she went to work today, but I know that many hearts, far and near, will need to go through a healing process.

    Another note- someone took a picture of our church with a rainbow overhead. How fitting, because we are an open and affirming congregation! Beautiful pic...

  4. #14
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    I had a funny thing happen to me today. I am feeling ever so much better- I had muscle spasms for nearly a week and I was about to go to the doctor.

    But then thought I would try some magnesium citrate with my calcium just to see if I was out of balance. That did the trick! I slept better yesterday. Finally.

    Today I apparently fell asleep after dinner and I woke with a start- it was light out, and I must have slept so hard because I was quite disoriented. In fact I looked at the clock and thought I was late to work so I was running around to find something to wear.

    And then I thought to check my phone to see if it was am or pm just to make sure! Sheesh! It was p.m.

    I was so sleep deprived this week that it might take me a bit to catch up... Lol...

    This evening I dug through some boxes to find baby pics of my oldest, who is graduating from high school. We are going to a scholarship dinner and they asked for pics.

    I am to the point where I can look through old pics of my ex without the grief. My heart is healing.

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  6. #15
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    Whew! Made it through a week of proctoring the state test for kids...

    Still thankful my sister, cousin, and niece are safe in Boston. It has been an emotionally draining experience for them - especially because my sister and cousin would have likely been killed if the bomb had been stronger... since they were in close proximity.

    On a different note, my son has texted me to say that he asked his "best friend" to the prom. They have been best friends since the 2nd grade... He texted me saying that he needs to figure out what to wear by next Saturday - on a budget. Lol, I told him I am no expert, but that his uncle wore a bright purple crushed velvet tux in the 70's as a joke... and his date was not amused...

    He graduates in a month, and he told me last week he started learning Japanese... I told him I want him to focus on graduating, not starting something new!!! Oh how I look forward to the end of this school year. My hair is gray, but he is going to turn it grayer!!!

    Trying to clean my house, clear out the excess clutter, and get organized. This will take discipline! But I have to refinance the house to put the mortgage in my name, and that means they will do an appraisal. And, well, it would be a bit embarrassing. Time to do some spring cleaning!

    In the meantime, I have not seen my visiting stray cat lately - and I do miss him... The weather has been nice, so I suppose he is out taking advantage of it. Last week he brought in a live mouse. (Maybe I already wrote that here). I don't miss that part...

    Full of gratitude for: the lilac blooms, the cherry blossoms, my sons, a chance to work with kids this week, my family's safety and well being, my healing heart, my church family, and my cats.

  7. #16
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    This morning the stray cat let himself in and my cat was chirping at him, so I know they have begun the bonding process. My sons have named him "Rabo", I guess because of his short stubby tail. My older son says that is Spanish for a rabbit tail...

    Still working on cleaning up the house - a work in progress. I have the kitchen almost done and will start on the living room next.

    Had a great talk with my almost 13 year old about taking initiative for things and about responsibility. Rather than having him depend on me for reminding him about homework and other priorities, I want it to come from him. He was mad at me this morning because he had done some assignments but had not turned them in. Of course, he got no credit on the computer grades program, so I told him he couldn't go meet with his friends. After he calmed down, he finally agreed that he will improve in the future and now he knows I am serious about it all. I am hoping this is a turning point in his life - I hope to see him taking charge of his own responsibilities soon!

    Thankful today for a thoughtful talk, for resolution in Boston so my family can begin to heal from the fear and stress and terror, for blooming spring flowers, for 2 nice cats, for my church community, for my 2 sons, and for my extended family.

  8. #17
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    A busy past few days, with meetings and special dinners and work and vet appointment for the cat.
    Yesterday I felt like supermom as I dashed from work to the store, then home to photocopy a newsletter, then back to school to pick up my son who was jogging with the running club, over to my exes house so son could feed the cat while he is gone, home to my house to take the cat to the vet, pick up other son from school, home to heat up dinner, off to a scout ceremony with the boys.

    Somehow I pulled it off!

    Today is a little better, but one son has a special dinner honoring one of his teachers, and I have a meeting after work.

    I had taken my cat to the vet because her skin got all crusty on her head and in her ears. She is so uncomfortable but they don't know what is causing it. I changed her food to some that does not have gluten in it (Blue Buffslo) and it seems as though that improved it but now it started back.

    The vet did a culture for fungus and that turned out negative.

    So now she is on steroids for a bit and that seems to be helping some, but not as dramatically as one would have expected.

    They wanted to do a biopsy for about $700 but I declined- I don't have the money and I still have a $900 medical bill for myself to pay.... And, I think it is more allergy related than cancer.

    She is such a happy sweet thing and I hope we figure this out soon...

  9. #18
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    So very busy but I am hopefully going to have a few days off.

    Tomorrow I hope to have some "me" time...

  10. #19
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    Still working on cleaning up my house, and I signed the refinance papers today.

    Tomorrow I will work out in the yard with my younger son, then in the afternoon we will come in to reorganize the house.

    What a beautiful pleasant day it was here. Walking around I could smell the sweet fragrance of spring blossoms.

  11. #20
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    Whew! Got the backyard mowed and now both yard debris bins are full! Made my younger son help me- he was grounded for a few poor choices yesterday...

    My older son went to the prom tonight with some friends. I had to drive him over to a friend's house and he originally said I wasn't allowed to take pictures. But other parents were doing the same. They were all so cute and handsome! Nice kids-I am so glad he has such nice friends.

    Interesting though- his old gf was there with a bf. My son went out with her for a year 3 years ago. Now they are seniors at different schools so they rarely see each other. But neither seemed like it bothered them. And I doubt her current bf knew about their history...

    He really fussed getting ready with the tuxedo. We had to google info on how to wear the vest and suspenders, lol. So handsome! I am very thankful the prom happened on a week when he was at my house and not his dads or I would have missed it!

    But I got pics if my ex wants to see...

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