Upcoming days and weeks

Today has been the toughest day of my life. I called my girlfriend''s house (she lives with her parents with her 4 kids) this morning to see what the plans were for Easter. Her father picked up, said hold on, and a police officer then spoke to me asking for my name and contact info, and that I was to go see a detective.

When I got there I got the news, she passed away. I didn't know how to act, I've never lost anyone this close. I gave my statement, and I got minimal info. Just that I was the last person to see her, and that she had been up on the roof at one point, but found in the front yard. And that I was the last person to see her. This news is devastating to me.

I had come over last night to hang out and watch some TV with her. I'm 31, she would have been 33 on May 1st. I had been scaling things back in our relationship for a while now, my goal to make it less intense. She had a lot going on, an alcohol problem, not to mention frequent clashes with her parents over issues with her children. And I felt like focusing on our relationship wasn't exactly helping anything.

So as I said, I went over her house last night, brought her some food since she had mentioned she didnt feel like cooking anything. And we started to watch a movie. I noticed she seemed more listless than usual (she was prone to having emotional outburts and felt like nobody cared or understood). She mentioned she didn't know why she wasn't doing anything, but couldn't stop thinking. At this point, the youngest child came asking for help with a band aid, I got frustrated so I went downstairs to help. When I came back up, my girlfriend had gone to her sons' room, so I left... I just left.

I hadn't told her I loved her in a long while, making this day even worse. I don't believe it was suicide though, I'm guessing it was an accident and she may have been drinking, going out onto the roof to try to call a pet parakeet that had escaped earlier that day. And we had plans, nothing solid, but plans for the near future.

So I have been through nothing like this before. I don't have any emotionally capable friends nearby to help with this at all. My question is what happens next with grief loss and bereavement? How am I supposed to feel? Right now it feels surreal one moment, but I find myself in tears when I see some silly little nick knack she had given me. She was my best friend. Any plans I had involved her, and she pretty much was my entire social life around here.

I also feel guilt. I know it's not my fault, its not my fault 4 kids don't have a mother on easter. But I can't help but feel if I had spent the night with her as she always asked me to, that this wouldn't have happened. Or if I had gone ahead and took the jump to move in with her in our own house last summer, that things would be different. I know the what if game can go on and on.

So if anyone could help with what to expect, tips on how to keep my life going in a positive way, I would be very grateful. I wish I could have told her how much I cared one more time.

Thank you.

Ken

Ken,

I'm so very sorry. I am in shock, with your story, I cannot even imagine how you must be feeling! This is so so sad, just a huge tragedy. And the poor children, and her parents

I am very sorry that I don't know how to help you. I do think it would be a good idea to talk to a counselor who specializes in grief, and to remember to take good care of yourself over the next days/weeks/months....because while grieving it's easy to not feel like eating, not get rest, etc. However the very act of grieving is very demanding, not only emotionally, but physically as well.

It is normal to feel guilty, to go over the last hours/minutes and believe there is something that you could have done to produce a different outcome but ruminating on such thoughts won't help you, and the truth is, you had no way of knowing this would be her last night. Try to focus on taking good care of yourself. I wish I could help, again I'm very sorry for your loss. (((HUG)))

Thank you for the response mines. Most people around me understandable dont know what to say, I don't know that I'd be any different in that position. The guilt comes from other areas as well. She had come so far in turning her life around, at least it seemed that way. No way to know for sure until the toxicology results. But she was a good person who often said all I need is a hug to cheer me up. I didn't even try to give her one last night and I knew she wasn't happy. Here was someone with a heart of gold that I was actually trying to lessen the intensity of my relationship with. The first person I've been with that never criticized or judged me, much less anyone else. It's selfish but I feel like a bad person.

I know I'm not a bad person, just that I took for granted all those little quirks she had, or comments she made trying to be funny. It's going to be tough not having her ask how my day was each day so I can complain about an annoying co-worker.

Kenny, I'm so sorry for your loss. Here is a video which may explain some things about the process. There are more like it on Youtube, when you're ready.

[video=youtube_share;NIwQn4nmzYY] ]

Thank you SpottiOtti. I will have to look into more videos and see if there is anything more on guilt.

So just when I think I'm on the right track and ready to go back to work, some new developments happen. I spoke with her father last night, it was difficult for him but he though she fell out of the attic window while trying to get out bc she had been closed in. Then today, her sister (my gf couldn't stand her) called and told me not to call the family's phone anymore, that if I had any questions that I should ask her. She gave me a much different story of about what happened though. One about that being my gfs place to think, which I know wasn't accurate, and how she fell cming back in off the roof. My gf was strong, but not nearly strong enough to pull herself up a ledge using only the roof. It had also rained that night.

I feel more confused and further away from closure now. Should pursue the truth? Or should I let it go?

Ok so I think I have enough information to where I can understand what happened. It was for sure an accident, and she died pretty much instantly, though I have to believe that's what they tell all families.

Last night I had a different feeling after my mystery was solved. Her father even supposedly wants to meet with me, which is good because I'd love to keep talking about her, I've been compiling a list of memories and things she likes so I don't forget. Back to the feeling though, it wasn't happiness, but it felt 100x better than this wearing sadness I've had. That is until this morning... Now that the mystery is gone, it's like all I have is to directly face that I will no longer have my love, my best friend ,as a companion anymore. And it's sad and scary and tiring all at the same time.

I'm trying to keep my mind bouncing around from spiritual questions such as what she believed after death vs other beliefs, if I'd come accross her path elsewhere, to things like what do I do now? How can I expand a social circle that only contained 1 person? She 100% believed I was THE one for her. Does this mean she was wrong? Or would I end up doing myself an injustice by moving on from such a special, one of a kind soul?

It seems to be working somewhat. But is it the right thing to do? Should I actually tackle these issues 1 at a time to try to get through them? Is postponing them even smart? I've looked up a lot of different spiritual beliefs and non beliefs, none are particularly comforting right now.

Her father called me to talk last night, it was hard for him but I appreciated it. I wish that was all there was to it, but it really upset me.

First, they had the viewing without telling or inviting me. I'm not sure why, he said something about them not knowing how the kids would react to seeing their mother, and that it was immediate family only. I can't tell you how many times she would fight with them insisting I was family. I attended every holiday there is with her, and even got to go on vacation with all of them. I asked the sister about it, she said she didn't think there was a reason I wasn't invited, that it wasn't her choice, she invited who she was told to. Which included my late gfs best friend from middle school. Very confusing, but apparently the father needed her there. But I know my late gf would have wanted and expected me there as well. She would be furious that I wasn't.

The other part that bothered me, is her father said "I wish you could have known the real" her. From like 4-5 years ago. From before she had to move back in with them. She had her troubles yes, but for all those demons she had, I still love her completely. The thought that this wasn't the real her, hurts me. All the time she would say her family wouldn't listen or understand her. I guess she was more right than I ever knew. I still plan on going to the funeral, and updating this as long as I feel I need to. If one person in the future can find some level of comfort from someone else going through absolute confusion and ridiculousness, then it will be worth it.

But please, can anyone give advice on how to deal with the family? I feel a strong need to say goodbye to her since I didn't say it or even give her a hug the night she passed. How should I approach this? I got the ok to write her a letter to lay with her, but I'm not sure it means anything more than that.

Ok well, I found out last night that she's already been cremated. I don't understand why any of this has happened. She would have wanted me there.

I was told that the family said she never opened up about me.... How? I was over there at least 2x a week minimum. I can't help but feel now ill never get to say goodbye. They're allowing me to give them a letter that will supposedly be placed with her ashes, but can I believe that? I miss her so much and her family is still ignoring her wishes just as they did in her life. I'm sad, angry. I don't know what to say to anyone. I'm still going to the ash placing today, but it just doesn't feel right.

So the funeral made me angry. The first person to talk to me was her brother's mother in law, she made a point to come tell me how sorry she was, having recognized me from family events. The next was her grandmother, mixed results. She said something along the lines of "we wondered where you were for the viewing and cremation, you are part of the family. I told her how lucky she was to have you. ". Then 5 minutes later she says "I wish you could have met the real her." Are you kidding me?! 2 years of my life was with this woman. She says it was probably for the best that I didn't end up with her bc she had a "mental illness". She was bipolar but seriously? I'd go crazy too with so many people putting me down.

Then the family came, nice enough, but her ex showed up too. This is what really started to bother me. She really didnt like him, she left and stayed at a women's abuse center because of how threatening and verbally abusive he was. She said she only married him to get away from her parents. While I'm sure she did live him at one point, that Marriage had ended long ago.

But he ended up being one of the speakers. Saying how he met her when he was 25 (left out that she was 17), and said she was a great mother. But he never paid child support but maybe 3 times in the 2 years since their divorce. He was never there for the kids, living with one woman to the next. It really bothered me seeing him crying and saying he loved her. Con artist.

The other one that bothered me was her "best friend" who I had not met once in the entire 2 years I was with my gf. She described a middle school, young young adult version of her. In fact, every picture was of her as a child or as a 25ish or under. Her hair was natural now, the "best friend" described a girl that loved dying her hair. Umm hello? Do you not know her anymore?

Not to mention her pall bearers were her ex, her "best friends" boyfriend, the guy that used to be married to her sister, and her brother. It felt like a joke to me. Like these people are all conspiring to erase the adult version of this woman, one who had troubles early on, but fell head over heels for me over the past 2 years. Can anyone give me advice?

Kenny, I am so sorry for your loss and for how her family are treating you. Maybe it was just hard for her parents to know what to do and they just went along with offers of help. They probably aren't thinking clearly through their grief. You know what you had with her and you knew the "her" that she was up until her tragic accident. That is all that really matters. Not having been through anything like this I don't know what to say that can be of any help. Have you thought about talking to a counsellor about your bereavement.

I have, I think I need a different counselor though. I never said goodbye that night she died, he said I'd have my chance at the viewing, oops. Then again after the funeral, oh too bad they already cremated her.

She loved t shirts, I hoped to go into her room and sneak one, or ask for it to have. But it's already been cleaned out and thrown away. They're also keeping the journal I got her for christmas a few years ago, thinking she wrote about them. It's mostly not. It's about herself and I come in as the #2 subject.

So I'm frustrated, I still don't think I am getting the 100% truth of what's happened. I just want my love back. I want to go on a trip with her this weekend. I want to plan our future.

I understand your frustration and I really think it would help to talk it through with someone who can help you work through it Change counsellors if you think it is the right thing to do. You could also approach her parents and try talking to them. Explain to them how important she was to you and that you would really like to have something to remember her by. Maybe, in time, they will open up to you. I really feel for you.

((((hugs))))

I spoke to them yesterday at their house (the parents). Her room has been so cleaned out that it doesn't even feel like hers anymore. Just an empty shell with some familiar wall paint. They've taken down the motivational posters I got her for valentines day. All clothes thrown away except the nice ones, which were donated. There's not much left except little trinkets she made with her kids.

I know I need someone to talk to. I called into work this morning because I couldn't get out of bed, I got no sleep last night.

There was one time she was supposed to come over for the night, but we argued about something and she ended up going to a bar and drinking and talking. I was so mad. But I left the front light on and the door unlocked. She came over at 130 or so and asked why I left the light on, but she already knew the answer. I love her. Now I keep laying here hoping she will walk in or call saying this was all a silly mistake.

Oh Kenny, I'm so sorry. I'm sure work will understand that you will have to take some time off to grieve. Do you have friends or family you can spend some time with? This must still be such a shock for you. Everything seems to be moving super-fast.

I don't really have any friends. She was my best friend, literally my everything. I'm 32, I'm stuck here for now living with family, but she was in the same situation and never really judged me. I come off as too quiet and weird, but she loved all my little quirks as I loved hers. There is a very special bond.

I have one sort of friend at work who I hung out with Saturday night before the funeral, but we don't have much in common.

My good friend lives states away and had a 1 year old to take care of. Hasn't really been through anything like this before though.

My other "friend", I had to beg not to cancel on me to go bowling last week. And he avoided me like the plague last weekend to go drink with some other people.

My family is here, but again, they don't know what to tell me. I don't blame them, I wouldn't know what to say either. I feel like an outcast. So lost without my guide, my love.

Have you thought about going to a bereavement support group? You can google on-line support and find something like this:

link removed

or look for a group that meets in your area. Being with people in a similar situation can often help - they understand what you are going through.

Thanks, I looked at a couple of those online, registered and posted. As for the actual groups, those will be harder to attend. They seem to be mostly in churches and I'm not feeling particularly religious after all this. I keep wondering what reason could there be for all this. I just had a talk with my mom about how I'm a better person from my experience with her... She did love giving, gifts trinkets and love, but she wanted do much more than to just give me gifts. She said she wanted my approval the night she died, she wanted my love.

Thanks, I looked at a couple of those online, registered and posted. As for the actual groups, those will be harder to attend. They seem to be mostly in churches and I'm not feeling particularly religious after all this. I keep wondering what reason could there be for all this. I just had a talk with my mom about how I'm a better person from my experience with her... She did love giving, gifts trinkets and love, but she wanted do much more than to just give me gifts. She said she wanted my approval the night she died, she wanted my love.

I know it is difficult but you mustn't let that get to you. That is probably a hell of a lot easier said than done but you were a couple and she would have known you loved her. You mustn't blame yourself for anything because you did no different that night than a lot of other couples were also doing that were perhaps irritated with each other.

I know it is difficult but you mustn't let that get to you. That is probably a hell of a lot easier said than done but you were a couple and she would have known you loved her. You mustn't blame yourself for anything because you did no different that night than a lot of other couples were also doing that were perhaps irritated with each other.

It is hard. She would often say I was her only support system, and she leaned on me so much that I actually told her I was "burnt out" towards the end. I'd still listen best I could, but I'd cut her off much faster. But even if things were great when she passed, I don't know that I would feel any better. I just miss her so incredibly much.

I've used the employee assistant program my insurance has , the first time I called, the counselor wasn't too helpful, he didnt even ask what was going on til the end if the call. I tried again yesterday, and the lady was really sweet. Much more helpful and even have me a direct # that I can call during her hours. She set up an appointment for a face to face with a local counselor this Saturday.

Yesterday, I bought an "I love you" heart balloon and 3 white ones. I offered her father, through email to do this with me, but he didnt respond in time. So I had my family each write something nice about her, and I wrote 3 things and taped a picture of us on the big heart one. I said goodbye, I said I love you, and I said I will try to be more like you in my life. At first it looked like they were going to crash into a tree, but they cleared it and went so high! She would have been so happy.

I didn't get much sleep again last night, but I feel much better. Which has me worried. With a change this drastic, I'm waiting for the other show to drop and come back down to reality. I was considering a half day today, I'm leaning towards it, but I'm scared ill break down at work.

To make matters worse, her resting place is somewhere I drive by to get to and from work.

I really wish there were words of comfort I could give you, kenny, to help ease your pain but there isn't anything I can say that be worthy of what you are going through. I'm glad to hear that you have an appointment set for Saturday to see a counselor. Talking will help. Getting it off your chest will help. Hopefully the counselor will be able to help untangle your emotions.

I cried when I read your balloon story. So incredibly sad.

It will be some time before you will be able to sleep properly but it will come. You will never forget, nor would you want to, but you will get to a point where thoughts of her will be happy memories instead of sad ones.

I really wish there were words of comfort I could give you, kenny, to help ease your pain but there isn't anything I can say that be worthy of what you are going through. I'm glad to hear that you have an appointment set for Saturday to see a counselor. Talking will help. Getting it off your chest will help. Hopefully the counselor will be able to help untangle your emotions.

 

I cried when I read your balloon story. So incredibly sad.

 

It will be some time before you will be able to sleep properly but it will come. You will never forget, nor would you want to, but you will get to a point where thoughts of her will be happy memories instead of sad ones.

The difficult part right now is feeling like my future has been stolen from me and 4 children that needed her. That and the guilt, I wish I would have done things differently that night, listened instead of walking out on her. If I looked harder after my change of heart, we'd be planning to meet for lunch, or she's be texting complaining about her family. Heck, I'd even settle for being mad at each other.

The difficult part right now is feeling like my future has been stolen from me and 4 children that needed her. That and the guilt, I wish I would have done things differently that night, listened instead of walking out on her. If I looked harder after my change of heart, we'd be planning to meet for lunch, or she's be texting complaining about her family. Heck, I'd even settle for being mad at each other.

The "what if's" are to be expected though but there was no way you could have foreseen what was going to happen. I'm sure she was thinking that things with you would be normal again the next day and that you would be making plans to meet.

There are some what ifs that I see like that. I think of them as links on a chain, the further away from the broken link they are, the less guilty I feel. But there are a couple links for me that are connected reallllllly close to that broken one, if not actually connected to it. Lately our nights did end that way more often than I cared to admit, but the next day was always a fresh start.

Another thing that bothers me is that the family says she never opened up about me. We had major issues early on, as I met her at a bad time, she had cheated a few times. But settled down once she determined it was me she actually wanted. Could this have been happening again? I can't imagine why a bipolar person who was "over emotional" about everything, would keep this inside.

I decided to hope her father was really serious about my balloon thing. I want to tell him how close we actually were. I want to show him the notes and cards she made me. I want him to know that I borrowed his idea, and said ill marry you if you quit. I want him to know we even got her sized to prove it to her, she was in between a 6 and a 7.