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Husband has sex with me when he thought I was passed out


Grace26

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Hi, this is the first time I've done this, but something has happened which I'm so confused about, I have no one I feel I can talk to about it. Last night my husband and I went out to celebrate his birthday with all our friends. We got very very drunk! We had booked a hotel, and somehow managed to get ourselves back. I remember the room spinning and then I must have passed out on the bed. I began coming to, and realised with quite a shock that my husband had gone down on me, he'd removed all my clothes and I remember feeling icy cold. I felt so tired and sick that I pretended to remain passed out and hoped he'd finish quick and cover me back over. I was so shocked when he pushed my legs apart and started having sex with me, he was very quiet about it as if he didn't want to wake me. Afterwards, I heard him whisper 'terrible' at me and then he went into the bathroom, leaving me spread out completely naked on the bed, he came back out after about ten minutes and got back into bed, half covering me back over. Today, I have just felt so confused and betrayed. I apologised to him in the morning that we hadn't had sex on his birthday night, to see if he'd admit what he'd done. But he just shrugged and said I could owe him! I feel really violated, but don't know what I should do. We have two beautiful girls together.

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I know if any one of my friends told me this had happened to them, then I would be saying the same thing as u. I've been with my husband 7 years and he's never been abusive to me in the past. This is why I'm so shocked, he's lying on the sofa accross the room from me as if nothing has happened. It scares me he had this in him.

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wow so he raped you.

 

personally i would be consulting with a lawyer and drawing up some divorce papers because he just raped and disrespsected you and your body

 

Consulting the lawyer before putting the whole sorry tale online...

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I know if any one of my friends told me this had happened to them, then I would be saying the same thing as u. I've been with my husband 7 years and he's never been abusive to me in the past. This is why I'm so shocked, he's lying on the sofa accross the room from me as if nothing has happened. It scares me he had this in him.

 

Are you going to report it to the police before you bring it up with him?

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I agree it is a shocking story but we must play devil's advocate.

 

Is there no way you were awake and fell asleep half way through and he was too worked up to realise this? When you awoke feeling cold perhaps he saw that as you were awake but just drunk and sleepy? (I've had drunk, sleepy sex).

 

In the morning when you apologised, was he shocked? Did he perhaps think you would remember?

 

There's a lot at stake. Just trying to get the full story before we mention divorce.

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I'm not going to go to the police. Whatever mistake he has made with me, he is still a brilliant dad, and I'm not putting the kids through that. I guess, as its only just happened I'm trying to get my head round it. Unless he admits what he did and begs my forgiveness, then, I'll never get over this, and have to end it.

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No, I didn't move an inch, I was too shocked and it was very dark. If he'd thought it was at all consensual, he'd have said something in the morning. When I said sorry for not having sex with him he just casually shrugged. Also he def wouldn't have just left me lieing there naked and whispered terrible at me. He did say he had undressed me, but couldn't find my nightie.

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I'd be very horrified and shocked. In a relationship it's about trust. I'd like to feel like I could pass out with my partner and they'd tuck me up in bed and leave me to it. Not have sex with me.

 

I think you should have a conversation with him about it, ask him what was going on.

 

Although he didn't say you two had sex maybe he had thought you were half awake and was embarassed/shocked to find you didn't remember it. However I think that's far fetched and I believe he did know you were passed out.

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Thank you, I realise I need to talk to him about it, I know once it's out there things will never b the same, and it makes me so so sad. I know 100 per cent h thought I was passed out, just cos how cruelly he treated me, leaving me uncovered, in a very undignified position while he went to the bathroom. Not saying anything to me, except the word terrible afterwards. He was also very quiet and he def is not normally. And the way he has been today, so nice and overly cheerful, I can sense the guilt in him

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I wouldn't say 'leave him' as the first option. I would say talk to him. Maybe insist he get individual counselling and you could try couples counselling etc.

 

However what he did is inexcusable and only you know if you can forgive him. Definatley just talk to him first.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'd find it very hard to trust again. Being taken advantage of sexually is a hard thing to go through.

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Thanks that's good advice. You obviously know its not so black and white when u have a family and a life together. I'm not a weak person though and won't let him get away with it, which I think he thinks he has, makes me angry and sad. I think you're right he needs counselling, obviously he as issues I never knew about. This is going to be a hard journey. I'm dreading having to share a bed with him tonight. Think I will have to sleep with my daughters tonight.

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It isn't as black and white no! I have a son with my partner so I know it's not as easy to get up and walk away when you have built a life and have a child together.

 

I'm not saying that's the reason to stay. Only stay if you feel that is right, that you want to work on it and try and forgive.

 

I think you should have a good talk, maybe suggest counselling or therapy for him and you and then the both of you together maybe? If he is in denial or unwilling to try and get help i'd reconsider staying.

 

Just give yourself some time to absorb it all. It's a huge betrayal. It is taking sexual advantage of you in your sleep. Having sex without your consent is rape. It's a huge thing to get your head around so give yourself some time. Maybe spend a few days away.

 

Only you know whats best for you and your family. I wish you the best

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Well, one problem here is that when people really drink to excess they can have alcoholic blackouts, where they can't remember what they said or did afterwards. So there is a chance that you were so drunk you had a blackout and may have initially consented, then passed out in the middle and woke up not remembering that you'd consented before he started. And if he was also seriously drunk, he could have had a blackout and woken up the next day and not remembered he had had sex with you either.

 

So unless there was a camera in the room filming the whole thing, you can be sure that you didn't consent during a blackout and hence he started going down on you. If all he was wanting to do was rape you, i doubt he'd have gone down on you first so i suspect you may have consented to sex in a blackout state.

 

And yes, people can be that drunk and walking around and lose chunks of time with no clue what they did. Ever see that movie 'The Hangover'... it genuinely can and does happen if you consume a large volume of alcohol and get totally wasted.

 

I remember once that I'd been doing shots at a party and got super drunk. I woke up the next morning to a real mess in the kitchen where I'd obviously in a blackout prepared something to eat and eaten it and left a giant mess in the kitchen. I could only guess what all I ate as there was a half eaten sandwich, pieces of cake and food smeared around. I was the only person in the house and had vague memories of feeling hungry when i was drunk and came home, but absolutely no memory whatsoever of preparing and eating the food. So I was totally shocked and that taught me a huge lesson and I never drink to excess in one sitting because blackouts can and do happen and you can have absolutely no memory of what happened during that blackout. And it's a myth that you have to be a long term drinker to have a blackout... it can happen to anybody and is depedent on how drunk you are.

 

So this is borderline because if you were really drunk, you can't be sure what you talked about or agreed to.

 

But I'm confused as to why when you came to you didn't just tell him to stop or get off or ask what he was doing rather than just going along with it and letting him continue beyond when you first realize what was going on.

 

So whether this was rape or drunken blackout sex (which sadly does happen) you can't be sure.

 

But i would definitely try to talk to him about it. And never drink to that excess ever again, either of you.

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I don't think he'd have remembered getting me undressed but not remember having sex with me. Also, until this happens to u (obviously hope it doesn't) u just don't know how u r going to react. And I def did not consent, if I had he would have told me in the morning when I tested him and apologised we didn't have sex on his birthday. I have so much at stake, my whole life and my kids, it's not right to kick off. I'm still in shock, still confused. Alot of sites I've looked at have different views on if there is such thing as marital rape, so much to get my head round. Why didn't I kick him off? Well, initially I hoped when he'd done coming down on me, he'd roll over and go to sleep, if he thought I was awake I knew he'd ask me for sex and I was so tired I just wanted to go back to sleep. When he started to have sex with me, it was a mixture of shock and disbelief it was happening. If I had shown I had woken up, I would have had to look at him, and I just felt sick and wanted to be anywhere else, I was in no way able to deal with it at that point.

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>>how cruelly he treated me, leaving me uncovered, in a very undignified position while he went to the bathroom.

 

and that could be not cruelty, but that he was so stumbling drunk he was hardly aware of his surroundings and just stumbled to the bathroom then stumbled back to bed again. Someone who is super drunk can barely walk, let alone see straight or worry about things like that.

 

so before you get all worked up over this, talk to him and see if he remembers much, which i doubt he does if he is otherwise a decent and kind man. you may have consented or he may have THOUGHT you consented and you both were just stupid blackout drunk.

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>>And I def did not consent,

 

How do you know you didn't consent? You already said you were both very very drunk which means you could have been in a blackout and done and said all kinds of things and not remember. Many people are horrified to realize what they did the night before when that drunk, and will argue they never did or said something when there was a whole room of witnesses who remember that they did. The very high level of blood alcohol essentially wipes the memory clean by not allowing the memories of what happened to move from short term to long term memory.

 

My point is this... it can and does happen a LOT that people do have blackouts when very very drunk and not remember much or only parts of what they said and did. If your husband has proven himself to be a kind and decent person over time and many years and circumstances, i think it is MORE likely that you might have mumbled a drunken 'sure' when he asked if you wanted him to go down on you, then passed out for a bit and woken up with the memory from then on, but not the portion where you consented.

 

If you were stone cold sober when this happened i might agree with you, but there is a large chance that you could have blacked out for a bit then come to and remembered things from that point on. Memories when really really drunk can be very spotty, where some things are remembered, and some things not. It is just the effect of really high levels of alcohol on the brain and how memories are stored (or whether they are stored at all).

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Grace, your initial post said that all you remember was the room spinning, you passed out and then woke up. If you remember other things happening that night then we need to know.

 

You need to talk to him. You have to tell him how you feel about that night because nothing will happen unless you do.

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Information on 'fragmentary blackouts':

 

Types of blackouts

 

Fragmentary blackouts are characterized by the ability to recall certain events from an intoxicated period, yet be unaware that other memories are missing until reminded of the existence of these 'gaps' in memory. Research indicates that such fragmentary blackouts, also known as brownouts, are far more common than en bloc blackouts.[8] Memory impairment during acute intoxication involves dysfunction of episodic memory, a type of memory encoded with spatial and social context. Recent studies have shown that there are multiple memory systems supported by discrete brain regions, and the acute effects of alcohol and learning and memory may result from alteration of the hippocampus and related structures on a cellular level. A rapid increase in blood alcohol concentration (BAC) is most consistently associated with the likelihood of a blackout. However, not all subjects experience blackouts which implies that genetic factors play a role in determining CNS vulnerability to the effects of alcohol. The former may predispose an individual to alcoholism, as altered memory function during intoxication may affect an individual’s alcohol expectancy, one may perceive positive aspects of intoxication while unintentionally ignoring the negative aspects.[9]

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