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Thread: Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

  1. #6981
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    Originally Posted by NorthDallas40
    Very colorful interpretation.

    For some some context, until reconnecting with NEELA, I hadn't had sex for almost exactly one year.

    Here are my dating stats since Sept 2018:

    6: # of Women I wasn’t attracted to because of looks
    2: # of Women I wasn’t attracted to because of personality, even though they were attractive
    3: # of Women I wasn’t attracted to because of looks AND personality
    12: # of Women I was attracted to, but who rejected me
    1: # of Women named NEELA

    Hopefully this provides some perspective.
    When you say rejected do you mean declined not to meet in the first place or declined a first date after a first meet -or broke off a relationship? To me there's a difference. I declined to meet several men through dating sites. I declined a first date after a first meet quite a number of times. I really never felt like I "rejected" any of those men on a personal level. Sure there were exceptions -men who were rude, offensive etc I declined because of rejecting that kind of behavior or that kind of personality. Or not being attracted -again I never felt that strength of "rejecting" - it was simply we weren't a match -I wasn't feeling a potential spark or spark. Yes, sometimes I took it personally the other way around and I learned not to treat it as a "rejection" in the strong way that term implies.

  2. #6982
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Curious to hear your answer to Batya's question too. I think of "rejected" as a pretty harsh term, particularly in the early days. Do you feel you "rejected" the 11 women who didn't jibe with you?

  3. #6983
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    When you say rejected do you mean declined not to meet in the first place
    I went on first dates with all these women. The women who rejected me either declined an offer for a second date, or ghosted me after the offer was made.

    And yes, I rejected the 11 women I wasn't attracted to... including several who were clearly rejecting me while we were at dinner.

    Side note: I find arguing about the semantics of "rejected" tiresome and pointless. We all know what "not getting a 2nd date" means, and the word isn't "accepted."

  4. #6984
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Through that lens I can certainly understand the appeal of Neela. It is not rejection.

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  6. #6985
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    Originally Posted by NorthDallas40
    I went on first dates with all these women. The women who rejected me either declined an offer for a second date, or ghosted me after the offer was made.

    And yes, I rejected the 11 women I wasn't attracted to... including several who were clearly rejecting me while we were at dinner.

    Side note: I find arguing about the semantics of "rejected" tiresome and pointless. We all know what "not getting a 2nd date" means, and the word isn't "accepted."
    I don't. To me rejected is a very strong term and at least implies that someone is rejecting the other person as a person. Your view of rejection says a lot IMO. I agree with BC.

  7. #6986
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NorthDallas40
    I find arguing about the semantics of "rejected" tiresome and pointless. We all know what "not getting a 2nd date" means, and the word isn't "accepted."
    I agree. It doesn't matter why you don't want to see someone. If it's because you've met someone else you like more or because something about them isn't to your liking. The point is that if you want a second date and the other person doesn't...you've been rejected.

  8. #6987
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    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    I agree. It doesn't matter why you don't want to see someone. If it's because you've met someone else you like more or because something about them isn't to your liking. The point is that if you want a second date and the other person doesn't...you've been rejected.
    I don't agree. I most often did not "reject" a person I declined to see a second time or declined to meet. Once in a blue moon if someone acted like a jerk then yes I was rejecting that person's behavior as unacceptable and would not have been ok with any further contact with that person or recommended to any friend that she meet that person (which happened quite a bit -small world).-most of the time it was because there was no spark/we didn't have enough in common/not a match/I met someone else. I was not rejecting that person, I was declining to pursue something romantic. Huge difference. It is why I was able to keep looking/dating/having a positive mindset. i cannot imagine someone continuing to date if they assume they've been "rejected" just because someone declines to meet in the first place or declines a second date, etc.

  9. #6988
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm with Batya. To try to remove it from a semantics debate, I'll make it more about a certain attitude. It's a bit like the glass half empty/glass half full mindset. Yeah, it's true: that glass is half empty. But what does viewing it that way get you, when there is another, equally true, way to see it?

    People, after all, say yes to second dates, yes to getting naked, and yes to getting into relationships for all sorts of reasons that hardly have to do with "accepting" the other person. They say yes to the second date because they are bored, or "using" you/dating to get over someone they're sprung on, or to get that person to circle back to them. They have sex with you to annihilate themselves for 20 minutes, or make a boyfriend or girlfriend you didn't know about jealous. They say yes to commitment because they're petrified of being alone or believe that's what they "should" do since they're age X or have been naked with you Y amount of times. If that is acceptance, I'll take rejection every day, happily.

    I work in a creative field in which all my ideas and work are self-generated. I present those ideas and work to gatekeepers of my industry—the editors and producers of multinational corporations—and when they "accept" it I get money and a jolt of validation. Most of the time they do not accept it—and, when they do, they generally have ideas of their own, things they want me to adjust. I've never seen all that as rejection; if I did, I'd be broke, angry, depressed, defeated. Half empty glass on the table, dehydration ever-imminent.

    Instead I see it as the complex nature of the beast, and at the end of the day I get to do what I love, and make good money doing it. Glass half full, plenty to drink. When I speak at universities to kids who want to do what I do I tell them that talent and discipline are important, but nothing is more important than learning to not get caught up in people telling you no, directly or indirectly—to not take that as a verdict on you but as the fickle reality of the industry.

    My approach to dating and connecting is similar. Makes it a lot more fun, I believe—and, I think, more "true" to what the peaks and valley on the road to sustainable connection are. If I chalked up the experiences of my past year or so of dating as a series of rejections—from the women who swiped left on me to the ones who faded on me after a date or two or a week of cursory intimacy—I'd be miserable. I also, I don't think, would be with who I ended up with but with a person who "accepted" me for perhaps dubious reasons having more to do with them, and my own attitude, than their ability to see and appreciate me.

    Just my take. Something to sip on, in however you view it in the glass.

  10. #6989
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    I love that point about "just because she says yes doesn't mean she's "accepting" you". Thanks BC, that is what I meant and certainly semantics can quickly be tiresome. This is not semantics. I originally commented because in the statistical analysis using "rejection" kind of biases the results some in the manner BC described.

  11. #6990
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    I agree with ND. "Rejection" is the term he used because there ultimately wasn't a second date. Whatever reason, either he or they didn't accept.

    I *personal* feel like ND writes women off too quickly - but he knows himself better than I do, and he knows how he's attracted to women. If his initial instinct is "I'm not excited about it" (which seems to happen more often than not), but still goes through with a date, then he's still giving it a shot. He's allowed to have whatever standards he wants.


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