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Thread: Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

  1. #6971
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NorthDallas40
    That's why I'm ok with NEELA for now: she seems to want me solely for my body, and as a bonus, has more money than me.
    You are way too smart to believe this, though I understand how that story allows the ball to stay in the air.

  2. #6972
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    I've never been someone that could find meaningful connections with other people while I was having sex with someone else. It's one of the reasons I'm interested in this journal. ND thinks a lot differently than I do.

  3. #6973
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    It's hard to know when is the right time to call things off. It's one thing if you are on a date and they say something that's totally opposite of your beliefs/goals/whatever. It's less obvious if they are ok overall, you're not crazy about them, but it's probably healthier not to be head over heels in love with someone after a few weeks of dating. So.... see where things go!

  4. #6974
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    Originally Posted by NorthDallas40
    No. Because I've been dating for years with diminishing returns. The elusive "higher connection" to which you refer is a unicorn. Unless I get rich. Then the horizons will expand greatly. Fun fact: I'm not rich.


    I don't.

    But rest assured that if I had given up on NESSA after our latest "first" date, at least 2-3 ENAers would be excoriating me for not giving her a chance because my standards are too high.
    No we would not have excoriated you for having too high of a standard. We *would** if she had an engaging personality, the intellectual connection was good, but you would reject her for a crooked tooth. But if you reject someone because they indicate that they are not all that interested in you, then that's a valid reason to not continue.

    Well --- have you considered switching things up to expand your possible pool of women? You won't bend on asian, vegan or at least vegan-friendly, a good figure, a breadth of interest or knowledge in film and music, but would you consider to attract more women in the mid 30s to 50 range who are not flakes, who are health conscious, etc, giving up pot for awhile and see if you can live without it? i have said this a million times, but professionally minded women in that age demographic (i get that its legal in places, but my age group did not grow up with it being legal), would not smoke it - it would be something that they gave up in their youth years ago, or never smoked because they were more concerned with their career, their performance or even their fertility. They are very careful about what they put in their body. They don't want to risk a random drug test, either.

    The women i know that smoke pot that are 35+, honestly, are usually self medicating - they are flakey, or they have other issues that they are not at the point of deciding to get help for. so they medicate themselves with pot, alcohol, and energy drinks. They are not people you want to date. They are not a 21 year old hit model who smokes pot at a party.

    Having said that, i remember a few instances where some decent women sort of changed their mind about you once you mentioned the pot, and there was that one that you really liked (she had the kid, was not divorced yet), that you were fearing she just thought of you as a "bad boy" or someone to explore herself with because of it. or the ones that want to smoke a doobie with you turn out to be flakes. Women who are foreign-born, especially, and are more traditional certainly wouldn't be down with it.

    Why not just try it. Don't talk about pot. Maybe even try to quit. But see if it improves your field of women, or you go further with different women.

    I mean, you are really specific about the women you date -- unless they are Asian and they are willing to sleep with you, then you will forego all the other stuff.

    Anyway, i am just an old fuddy duddy
    I sort of come up with the same idea every 40 pages or so.

    But unless you want to start traveling to another city to see who is there, move, etc, or accept women who are fascinating but can't quite keep the same figure they had when they were 25, or are great but dress a bit frumpy, then that's my suggestion. Asian, figure, vegan are non-negotiables. maybe one thing can be...

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  6. #6975
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    ND has said multiple times over the years that there are some things he enjoys and doesn't want to budge on, like smoking, dating Asians, etc. And that's perfectly okay, as he is aware that this will reduce the dating pool.

  7. #6976
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    Originally Posted by WithLove
    ND has said multiple times over the years that there are some things he enjoys and doesn't want to budge on, like smoking, dating Asians, etc. And that's perfectly okay, as he is aware that this will reduce the dating pool.
    Repeat of what I've written in the past, no need.

  8. #6977
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    Originally Posted by WithLove
    ND has said multiple times over the years that there are some things he enjoys and doesn't want to budge on, like smoking, dating Asians, etc. And that's perfectly okay, as he is aware that this will reduce the dating pool.
    Its totally fine if he only wants to date Asian women, vegan friendly, - I am not even asking him to change those things. But speaking from a woman in his age demographic, I am just asking him to consider the pot. One day finding someone will be more important than smoking - it just hasn't gotten to that point yet. The healthy vegan, vegetarian or at least vegan- understanding woman who is interesting, motivated and financially takes care of herself (and if she is younger than him, maybe even wants a kid) doesn't smoke pot. She won't risk her career or is super healthy. Lots of people i know that are vegan and more than just principle (ie they are not eating packaged garbage just because it has no animal products) - are doing it for their bodies, are careful about what they put in their bodies. If he wants to die on that hill, he wants to die on that hill. They want to remain sharp at all times.

    So its just my opinion based on what friends, colleagues in that age range are looking for in a man for long term or marriage. Unless he is willing to join 420 friendly groups to meet women -- and he might not be excited about who he meets there.

    So don't talk about pot unless a woman brings up that she smokes. take it out of your OLD profile.See if anything changes. At least for awhile/

    Its just like a 350 lb guy deciding enough is enough, and transforming into a 220 lb man over the course of a couple years -- now he can pursue an active girlfriend whose hobbies include biking - where he would die of a heart attack and those woman wouldn't date him before. Or he could have said "if they aren't interested in me, screw them" and only meet women that liked really really big men.

    Anyway, i rest my case. But if things are not working, its not always that dating does't work

  9. #6978
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    My profile mentions nothing about weed, and though it gives a few women pause, most of the women I date don't seem to care one way or the other.

    In any case, NEELA said pot makes her sleepy. But when she came over, she voluntarily smoked some. She ended up laughing so much that we couldn't get to sleep.

  10. #6979
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I live in LA, where pot is legal, sold in shops that look like Apple Stores, and where I sometimes feel like the only non-stoned person around—and that's taking in an age range from 21 to around 75. So I'm not prone to think the toking is going to be an issue.

    What I think would be more likely to turn certain women off would be a man of middle age who engages in entanglements he himself has already written off as meaningless, devoid of much potential save an orgasm and a good story to tell in the rocking chair. I'm not talking specifically about some casual sex. We're all adults, with free will and fiery urges and lonely hearts. Besides, given my own history I'd be a very hypocritical pot calling out the kettle if I was simply referring to sex.

    Still, the Neela stuff. There is a kind of sadness to the whole thing, a jagged, boozy weirdness that you seem to romanticize, even seek out more than those unicorns. When she shined a light on the elephant in the room with the "I really like you" and "We're forcing this" whispers—making the emotional imbalance, if not her emotional instability, no longer ignorable—your next move was to take another step further into the Pretend Boyfriend shoes with the FB stuff, the vacation texting stuff. At the risk of sounding harsh, what that looks like to me is pulling someone more into "the game" that you aren't even in yourself. It looks a little like getting off on watching another person wobble in your orbit.

    And that, more than a nimbus of cannabis smoke following you around, might carry a whiff of something that makes some women wary. And those women? I wonder if they're the unicorns—maybe not as mythological or scant in number as you imagine, just not into that sort of thing with a finely-tuned radar when it comes to sniffing it out. They've done the dorm room fumbling, the jagged, boozy weirdness. They've been in their teens and 20s and 30s and beyond, and don't feel like sliding back into that place, even if it means going home alone. And some of them are probably Asian vegans.

    I really don't mean to sound preachy. Can imagine you and I would get along well over beers. Name a romantic trench one can stumble in and I've slipped down it. Gotten pretty dirty in a few, to the point where feeling dirty felt pretty great. But in recent years—perhaps with 40 looming, and enough stories for the rocking chair locked in—I made a few very small changes to my attitude about the whole thing, and my approach to connecting. It's been rewarding. Certain trenches became less seductive, and all of a sudden there were all these new ones to explore.

  11. #6980
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    Very colorful interpretation.

    For some some context, until reconnecting with NEELA, I hadn't had sex for almost exactly one year.

    Here are my dating stats since Sept 2018:

    6: # of Women I wasn’t attracted to because of looks
    2: # of Women I wasn’t attracted to because of personality, even though they were attractive
    3: # of Women I wasn’t attracted to because of looks AND personality
    12: # of Women I was attracted to, but who rejected me
    1: # of Women named NEELA

    Hopefully this provides some perspective.


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