Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 697 of 700 FirstFirst ... 694695696697698699700 LastLast
Results 6,961 to 6,970 of 6991

Thread: Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

  1. #6961
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Age
    54
    Posts
    10,385
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I can relate to your approach, or at least your mindset. Been there plenty. In recent years, though, I adopted an approach a bit more along the lines of what IAmFCA described: knowing what I wanted—your number 1, basically—and not indulging with things that come up second (or third, or eighth to that).

    Guess the thing I found—and this wasn't the easiest thing to own—is that there seemed to be a direct correlation between the indulging in the FWB/nebulous sex stuff and not quite finding the healthy connections I was seeking. I'd meet a great woman, say, and one of two things would happen. A faint little alarm bell of intuition would go off in their mind, questioning whether I was genuinely ready or genuinely more drawn to the buzzy drama of nebulous carnal connections, and odds are there would be some truth to that ringing in their ears, maybe more truth than I wanted to acknowledge.

    Or I'd meet someone great but my own viewfinder was a little glitchy because a Nella or Nessa or whomever was poking at me in pixels, and I knew that poking back could lead to some consensual nudity without much fanfare. Flash forward a few months and I'd still be indulging, semi-satisfied at best, in the Nella or Nessa and my own self-conception of being "that guy," when I'd learn that that great woman I met was seeing someone, maybe engaged, and I'd feel a little pang—my own alarm bell, you could say, letting me know that maybe there were consequences in trying to have it every which way.

    To each his own, of course.

    And don't get me wrong. For me, choosing not to indulge in that didn't mean becoming a monk. Some casual, go-nowhere sex was had, and enjoyed. Just not as a runner-up award, or a consolation prize. I'd hoped it would lead to the Big Thing, and when it proved otherwise I just cut it out—the sex, the person, the pixels, the soothing if outgrown identity of needing to be "that guy," because I was pretty sure the woman I was ultimately looking for wouldn't have much interest in competing with that or being with that guy. Because she wouldn't find it to be a competition, but just kind of boring, not worth her time.

    Anyhow, something to think about, or not.
    Sometimes the Brits have the phrase that is precisely appropriate. This is one of those times.

    Blue's post is, for me, bang on.

  2. #6962
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,184
    I agree too. Never did casual sex like that so if I wasn’t meeting men with potential once in awhile I’d go on a date or three where it likely wouldn’t go anywhere in the hopes it would but since I knew I wouldn’t be comfortable marrying someone who had multiple casual sex partners it would have made no sense for me to try that for myself (after my young 20s the desire for casual sex wasn’t there anyway and before that was the height of HIV scare so that decreased the desire sufficiently !

  3. #6963
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Location
    Florida
    Age
    29
    Posts
    2,459
    Gender
    Female
    How's it going, ND?

  4. #6964
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Age
    49
    Posts
    1,664
    Gender
    Male
    I went to NEELA's place for dinner on Fri Aug 9. She gave me leftover soba noodles she had made for her mom & aunties. We ate at the island in her kitchen... no music, no soft lighting, just very casual.

    We watched a couple of movies that I really like (MARATHON MAN and THE INVITATION) and she didn't like either of them, even though she picked them out of the 20 discs I brought over. Her TV wasn't totally set up either, so it took some time to get it ready, which was annoying.

    We sat on her huge sofa side by side, but she didn't sit close and turned down my offer to massage her legs.

    However, she found a bottle of whiskey that her brother had giftwrapped, broke it open, and once she was more tipsy she was more flirty.

    We ended up having sex, I slept over, we had sex again the next morning, then I left.

    --------------

    The next Friday Aug 16, NEELA came over to my place. We got pizza and wine. She didn't eat much, but drank a lot of wine. We watched Korean movie FRIEND (aka CHINGU) that she said she'd watched when she lived in SK to learn more Korean. Turns out my disc didn't have subtitles, so she had to translate, which she did badly, and then she realized it wasn't the movie she'd seen after all.

    Once she was drunk enough, we had sex a few times and she stayed over. At one point she repeated "I really like you" but after she tried to get me aroused after we'd just had sex, she mumbled "We're trying to force something that isn't working" and she wasn't referring to sex. I ignored it.

    In the morning we had sex again, but she left rather abruptly around lunch time.

    During her visit she made a few critical comments about my place, about the shirt I gave her to sleep in, and about me.

    She also told me she'd be in Europe on vacation for three weeks during Aug 30 - Sept 16 but that she wanted to see my band play.

    --------------

    She kept in touch via text after that date, so we made plans to meet the next Friday Aug 23. She sent me a FB request a few days before then, which I didn't accept.

    Unfortunately, I got strep throat that day so I had to cancel our date. We kept texting here and there, though, with her seeming genuinely concerned for my health, offering advice. Finally I said I'd accept her FB request if she posted vacation pix.

    She left for Europe this past Friday, and has since posted about 10 pix on FB as well as sending me a photo and video via text.

    So it looks like she's still in the game; whether it's just for FWB or something more, I have no idea.

    I've gotten matches on the apps since then, but nothing that's worked out.

    NEELA should be back in about 2 weeks.

  5.  

  6. #6965
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,872
    Gender
    Male
    I’m confused. Didn’t you and Neela have a version of this date (soba noodles, same movies) back in July?

    Curious how those slurred mumbling about liking you and forcing things sits with you. Does that make you more keen on exploring things? Less? None of the above?

  7. #6966
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Age
    49
    Posts
    1,664
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I’m confused. Didn’t you and Neela have a version of this date (soba noodles, same movies) back in July?
    Haha that's right... it may be that I wrote Aug 9 on my calendar for a tentative date but it didn't happen and I didn't remember. Sorry for the confusion... that writeup did seem familiar!

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Curious how those slurred mumbling about liking you and forcing things sits with you. Does that make you more keen on exploring things? Less? None of the above?
    It just makes me think that she's more interested than me than vice-versa, at least for now. Her texts during my strep throat were very motherly: very concerned for my health, but hinting that I wasn't doing enough or that my antibiotics weren't good.

    I can't extrapolate from there.

    Two other things from our last date:
    1. She admitted she's having a mid-life crisis (unless I mentioned that already, in which case... well, she did too)
    2. TMI WARNING: at one point I thought she was peeing on me. She wasn't; she was doing something else. First time for me. I told you.

  8. #6967
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,872
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Guess the thing I found—and this wasn't the easiest thing to own—is that there seemed to be a direct correlation between the indulging in the FWB/nebulous sex stuff and not quite finding the healthy connections I was seeking. I'd meet a great woman, say, and one of two things would happen. A faint little alarm bell of intuition would go off in their mind, questioning whether I was genuinely ready or genuinely more drawn to the buzzy drama of nebulous carnal connections, and odds are there would be some truth to that ringing in their ears, maybe more truth than I wanted to acknowledge.

    Or I'd meet someone great but my own viewfinder was a little glitchy because a Nella or Nessa or whomever was poking at me in pixels, and I knew that poking back could lead to some consensual nudity without much fanfare. Flash forward a few months and I'd still be indulging, semi-satisfied at best, in the Nella or Nessa and my own self-conception of being "that guy," when I'd learn that that great woman I met was seeing someone, maybe engaged, and I'd feel a little pang—my own alarm bell, you could say, letting me know that maybe there were consequences in trying to have it every which way.
    Forgive me for quoting myself, but I can't help but kind of see all this through the above lens. From your descriptions of Neela, you don't seem to really see much value in her as a person, or a person who has much to offer you. She comes across as lost and lonely. She'd like to "like you a lot," or like someone a lot, but she seems aware, as do you, that the real juju is missing, that you guys are "trying to force something that isn't working."

    Except it is all working, in ways. You both get some action and anecdotes, some co-created consensual weirdness, a placeholder until something less forced comes along, at which point the gray zone fades to black. Still, I ask: Do you think there's a chance that engaging in this sort of thing for months might prevent you from engaging in the higher connection you've said you're seeking? Or do you genuinely believe there is a chance of this evolving into something satisfying and expansive and unforced?

    Earnest question, judgement-free.

  9. #6968
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Age
    49
    Posts
    1,664
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Do you think there's a chance that engaging in this sort of thing for months might prevent you from engaging in the higher connection you've said you're seeking?
    No. Because I've been dating for years with diminishing returns. The elusive "higher connection" to which you refer is a unicorn. Unless I get rich. Then the horizons will expand greatly. Fun fact: I'm not rich.

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Or do you genuinely believe there is a chance of this evolving into something satisfying and expansive and unforced?
    I don't.

    But rest assured that if I had given up on NESSA after our latest "first" date, at least 2-3 ENAers would be excoriating me for not giving her a chance because my standards are too high.

  10. #6969
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,872
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by NorthDallas40
    The elusive "higher connection" to which you refer is a unicorn. Unless I get rich.
    Interesting.

    My idea of a higher connection is one that transcends past the transactional, whether the currency is money, sex, abs, whatever. I don't live in a fairytale, or on a commune, of course. I'm aware that certain attributes, from looks to finances, do broaden your options; but I think all that has just as much potential to lead you astray as it does to guide you to the summit where the unicorns roam.

    Any woman who wanted me solely for my money would be a woman existing on a plane where I'd know I couldn't connect as I wanted.

  11. #6970
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Age
    49
    Posts
    1,664
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Any woman who wanted me solely for my money would be a woman existing on a plane where I'd know I couldn't connect as I wanted.
    That's why I'm ok with NEELA for now: she seems to want me solely for my body, and as a bonus, has more money than me.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •