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Thread: Ex girlfriend loves but is not in love with me, I took her for granted

  1. #1

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    Ex girlfriend loves but is not in love with me, I took her for granted

    Hello,

    So I was dating this girl for 17 months and she broke up with me last weekend saying that she loves and cares for me but is not in love with me. She said we are basically just good friends, that she wants me in her life and will be in my life, but not romantically. She said that things would basically be the same between us, she would help me if I needed anything, we'd still talk, etc.

    A couple weeks before this she had told me that she loved me but wasn't sure if I loved her because I never did the little things like take her out, get her gifts and be romantic. She thought we should take a break so I could see if I still loved her. I assured her I do love her and promised to change but just happened to have exams the week after so I was buried in work. I was planning to take her out this past weekend but it was too late... The past week she was really pulling away, not really being physical with me. She has also picked up a new hobby swing dancing which I haven't shown much interest in doing, and in the process made a bunch of friends. On the other hand I haven't been getting to know many people because I put social life at the bottom of my priorities since I met her. So I feel pretty alone right now. Been talking to my parents a lot.

    I guess she finally got sick of putting in all the work for the relationship. At first things were great but the last few months I focused too much on school, always thinking she'd be there. I still saw her and talked to her every day but I just never did anything romantic the past few months, I rarely took her out, etc. Of course now I'm realizing how screwed up my priorities were.

    She basically told me when she broke up with me that she realized we were both busy and she wanted to be single and focus on herself. I was pretty down and cried in front of her, told her she was special and I loved her so much. She basically said that I'd find another girl and it wouldn't be her (I took this to mean that she wasn't interested in me ever again). She just didn't see me romantically.

    It has been a few days. The day after we broke up I went to give her some stuff back and we just talked like old times, I ended up making dinner for her. Essentially things felt the way they were several months ago but without the physicality. Of course its difficult for me but when we talk I try to just be a good friend, to be more interested in her activities than I used to be, and to not act sad.

    She doesn't seem all that sad so I assume she has been emotionally pulling away for a few weeks now. She has been hanging out with her new friends I assume and studying for school. I know I hurt her by not putting in the effort when I should have, the effort that I did when we first started dating. What should I do? Its her birthday next week so I plan to send her a simple card. I know this girl really loved me (and still does, but platonically) and was into me (she used to say all the time how handsome I am). I really love her but I screwed up my priorities and became lazy and also kind of a slob (an engineering program will make you want to wear sweats 24/7). I'd do anything to get her back, I want to take her out, make her food, all those things that I did at the start and should have kept doing. I want to start from scratch, go on a first date, woo her and give her what she deserves.

    What should I do? I have been a good friend but not a good boyfriend to her and that is probably how she sees me now. She is probably sick of putting in the effort and getting little back. I think this girl is really special and I know I screwed up big time. I don't know if I should give her space (since she pretty much dumped me for not being romantic enough), or try to win her back by being romantic, or what??? Is there any way I can appear romantically to her again without making her feel like I don't care? Is the romantic attraction gone forever once its gone? Personally I don't believe this since every long relationship is sure to go through phases of lessened attraction and nobody is young and pretty forever.

    I realize I screwed up big time, I don't know if she'd give me another chance (since she said the next girl I find wouldn't be her) but I don't want to just be friends. Also we are both pretty busy with school and for a while spent all our time with each other so I thought her saying that she wants to be single is something of (A) she is sick of putting in so much effort and (B) she wants to have time to pursue her hobbies. I actually thought it would be great to start from scratch, slowly, and to keep our lives balanced if I get a second chance.

    I guess I'm mainly unsure about what my next move should be. I want to get back her attraction but since I took her for granted I don't want her to feel like she was right about me i.e., that I don't care for her and am not willing to put in effort for her. But on the other hand, I don't want to be a doormat or to push her away by doing lots of romantic things after the relationship is over (even though I'd love to do these things for her). Right now we live in the same building (but she's probably moving at the end of the semester) so I had gotten into a habit of seeing her and talking to her every day. I figure I should probably stop this so I don't get friend zoned more-so than I am already, so last night I went to wish her good luck on an exam and told her that if she wanted to see me she knows where to find me. I don't plan to really contact her for a couple of weeks (except for the birthday card) unless she contacts me. But then again I'm worried this is the wrong thing to do since she broke up because I was basically neglecting her as a boyfriend.

    I would appreciate any advice about what to next. I really want to make things work and I feel like I could if I did things right. I want to reignite the spark but not get friend zoned. I've been reflecting on my life a lot these days, and realized that I cannot take anything, even the smallest thing such as the ability to run, for granted. I realize that we don't always get another chance in life but I'd like to do anything possible to increase my chance of another chance, and to make the most of it.

    Thanks for reading and sorry this is so long, I felt like I needed to get my feelings out.

  2. #2
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    Well, as much as it hurts. I for one believe that if someone breaks up with you, you take it at face value that they don't want to be with you anymore. You've recognized your problems which is good, learn from them. But, also remember it takes two and take some time to yourself (NC) and look at the things she did that you didn't like as well. Learn from those. She's made it pretty clear to you that she doesn't want to continue forward with you.

    The thing is, if someone wants to be with you they will do whatever it takes to be with you. She could have just as easily sat down and told you how she was feeling and then discussed how to remedy those problems (boy, I wish I had this chance as well). But we didn't get that chance, probably because she has already moved on and this is just the final step. Dumpers tend to have moved on long ago, they've dealt with the end of the relationship prior to you even knowing about it. This is why all of those 'grand romantic gestures' look needy and pathetic. It's a little, way too late.

    Take this as a learning opportunity for the next girl (even if it is your ex that changes her mind, but don't don't count on it) and make yourself sparse, focus on your studies. What will matter more 5 years from now? The breakup, or you getting a good education and starting a career so you can provide for yourself an a potential family?

  3. #3
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    This is my advice and what I would do in your situation. I would tell her that although you agreed to be 'friends', that you cannot do that right now as you need time to heal from the break down of the relationship and time to move on. Once you are healed then you will consider being a friend to her. Then... basically just DISAPPEAR. You may think she may not even notice, but trust me she will. You say she doesn't seem that sad. A lot of 'dumpers' don't at first as they have come to terms with ending things way before you have. I also find that they use the one they left as en emotional crutch to help themselves move on as it's comforting for them to know that you are still around. Only when you are truly gone do they realise what is missing.

    In a few months, maybe you can spring back onto the scene, more confident, improved physically maybe if you have gained weight during the relationship, a better established social circle and so forth. I think this is the only way for her to see you in a new/different light.

  4. #4
    Gold Member jmantra's Avatar
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    If you still have feelings for her, it's best not to hang around, or you will never heal and it help be very hard to move on. I know from experience. You don't have to be a jerk about cutting her off, but just let her know that since you two want different things, a friendship is not possible at this time. It's also been my experience that you can be friends with an ex later in life once all the feelings you had have passed. Albeit if you do become friends with your ex later in life, it's best to keep them at arm's length so you don't develop feelings for them again.

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  6. #5
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    I agree with everyone else, only thing I might add is have you considered she might have met someone else? Probably at this swing dancing thing or from friends she has met through that. Maybe not but, if that's the case then you probably should go NC right away. She already knows you want her back.

    Even if you did neglect her, you can't undo it now by giving her all kinds of attention. Put yourself in her situation, it looks desperate, needy, and manipulative. Like you didn't care enough to do it then and now you're just doing because you're in panic mode and trying to control her (i neglected my ex and did the same thing only to realize later how fake it must have looked).

    Maybe just tell her in a very professional and unemotional way that you both need to move on and wish her the best, then tell her not to contact you and don't contact her. You could even say first "I want you back but you don't want me so until then please don't contact me unless you want the same thing". Then as hard as it is, don't give in and contact her (definitely don't send the Birthday card).

    I know you probably don't want to do this but I wish I had in my breakup. I basically begged and pleaded, then got angry, then blamed it all on myself and ended up giving away all the power and admitting stuff she didn't even know about which just made the situation worse. If I had done this (NC) from the beginning I don't know if it would have changed anything (I have about .0000001% chance of getting her back) but I would have felt much better about it and I know I would have had a much better chance. I definitely think you should tell her first though instead of just starting to avoid her and ignoring her phone calls.

    Whatever you decide to do, good luck, it will all work out in the end. (trying to believe this myself)

  7. #6
    (I know this is years later and I probably won't even get a reply.) But I'm in the exact situation right now, my girlfriend broke up with me for the same reasons. And appears complete happy with her life and wants me to find someone else. I'm basically friend zoned suddenly.

    Any update on your situation? Did she ever come back?

  8. #7
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    Well -- you might have done nothing wrong. My guy doesn't "bring me little gifts all the time" and we have a great relationship.
    Maybe you guys are just not well matched

  9. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lazySnorlax
    (I know this is years later and I probably won't even get a reply.) But I'm in the exact situation right now, my girlfriend broke up with me for the same reasons. And appears complete happy with her life and wants me to find someone else. I'm basically friend zoned suddenly.

    Any update on your situation? Did she ever come back?
    The OP only posted this one post and hasn't been on the forum since 2013.

    Maybe you'd consider starting your own thread?

  10. #9
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Thread closed.


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