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Thread: Torn on which path to choose.

  1. #21
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    Hi all, Nothings really changed since last time I posted but I thought I'd check in to keep the thread alive in case I need to post something in the future. Last week was the kid's spring break and everyone was home so I didn't go to see the counsellor. I have an appointment for tomorrow.

    As I've been pondering this the last couple of weeks I've noticed a couple of things in my thought patterns.

    First, I feel paralyzed by the circular thoughts I have in my head. I spend some time with my kids and think to myself that I simply can't end this marriage. In my mind I'm envisioning a divorce that would be just terrible on everyone involved and leave such deep scars. I suppose it's possible that it wouldn't be so bad but one has to think about worst case scenarios too right? So I have these thoughts and then just think that I have unreasonable expectations, that I just need to suck it up and fix things on my end - yes, do the counseling thing to improve things....but then my thoughts drift to the dissatisfaction I have. All the little things and big things that get under my skin about her. The thoughts that I'd have to give up certain emotional feelings and honestly, I just can't envision loving her as a lover again at this point and I think that I have to take the steps to leave her. I've confided parts of the story to some very close and trustworthy friends and they both mentioned that they've noticed these feelings in me years and years ago....and then I think of the boys....

    Second, I'm thinking that I must have developed some passive aggressive behaviors over the last several years or something like that. Now that I'm thinking about it more, some of that is almost certainly her fault too. In the past when I've brought up concerns or criticisms or whatever her response was to throw harsher criticisms back at me and make it clear through other actions and inactions (e.g. cold shoulder, witholding intimacy etc.) that she was not happy with what I said or did or whatever. I guess it taught me to keep my mouth shut and play along.

    But I digress and I guess I'll just blurt it out - I think I'm taking action through inaction because I just don't have the balls to confront this thing head on. I'm paralyzed by the unknown nature of where this path may lead. I'm naturally somewhat of a risk taker - career changes, hobbies etc. but don't seem to have that same mindset when it comes to my interpersonal interactions.

    Anyhow, I know I've really not said anything but just wanted to organize some thoughts by posting. Perhaps I'll work through some of this with the therapist tomorrow. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    This is a huge thing in all your lives so it should weigh heavily on you. The circular way your thoughts are going is completely natural and is to be expected.

    Is divorce hard on everyone? Yes. Does it leave scars? Yes. If it is done in a open and honest way the scars will fade over time but it will never be forgotten.

    You were once in love with your wife so there is no reason you can't fall in love with her again. You must move forward or you are gong backwards in your relationship. Talking to the therapist will help you decide the path you want to take. You may decide to try one last time so you can move forward with no regrets. If you choose to try and get her involved with a good therapist and she continues her life as usual attitude then she has really made the choice for you hasn't she?

    You may be able to stick it out as you say but at what cost? Your marriage is worth trying to save but if it cannot your very soul, the person you are is at stake. Are you willing to bury that for the rest of your life?

    A third party (therapist/counselor) is a great mediator to cut through all the crap. It will be intersting how open and honest she is during a session. Who knows she may be thinking of divorce as well...

    Keep posting and best wishes

    Lost

  3. #23
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    So, an amazing thing happened yesterday. We had a stupid little fight over dinner and I segued it into a conversation about our marriage. We put it off until after the boys went to sleep and when they did, we talked for almost 3 hours. As it turns out, she's been equally discontent with our marriage for as long as I've been and surprisingly, it was a massive relief to hear her say that.

    I think she really didn't want to go to this level of discussion but I finally grew some balls and pushed the issue to make sure we talked about it. I recalled to her that we've had a pattern where we would bottle things up until we had a blow up come to Jesus talk after which things would get better but always slide back down again over time. I suggested that this hasn't worked for us in the past and that we have to try something different this time.

    I tried to get her to suggest that we go to a marriage counsellor but when she didn't, I suggested that we call in the pros and she agreed that it's what me must do.

    I also told her that I'd been to see a counsellor twice and that I'm going again on wed. and she was perfectly o.k. with that. Come monday we're going to start calling around for a couple's counsellor.

    At this moment, I'm skeptical that we can save our marriage and she noticed that but, I'm also committed to exploring that option with an open mind.

    So begins the rest of my life!

  4. #24
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Well Done!

    I think you will be surprised what can be accomplished if you are truly willing and not just putting in time to look like you tried. Look at it this way. The worst thing that could happen is that you will have done this together and came to the conclusion together that the marriage can't be saved. This should make healing after a lot easier on you, your wife and the boys.

    The flip side is that you re-discover each other, are open about what you haven't likes (nothing to loose, everything to gain) and you get to explore your marriage and how you got here. They don't hand out instruction manuals when you get married and so many of us just wing it which often turns out badly.

    You are lucky that you are getting this chance no matter how it turns out.

    Keep posting and remember you loved her once with all your heart...

    Lost

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  6. #25
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    So much time has passed since I last wrote to this thread and so much has happened!!

    This morning I started thinking about the past and remembered that I had been posting on this board. I had even forgotten my username etc. but figured it all out. So, what interesting has happened in the last seven years?

    A Lot.

    First, I was kind of at my ropes end. The mistress turned out not to be such a nice lady after all. Although I hadn't had any further intimate relationships with her, she started torturing me mentally after she had a string of loser boyfriends. Calling me. Pestering me telling me she's into me. Just all kinds of crazy ex-girlfriend type of torture (she was only 23 when we had the affair so what do you expect).

    I finally confessed this to an old friend I know that I hadn't spoken to in over a decade and he set me straight. I told the mistress to basically get lost (but nicely - perhaps a mistake but I think it was the right call in retrospect) and I slept on the couch that night to prep my wife for what was coming.

    The next day I told my wife I needed to sleep separately for a bit for me to get my head in order. I ended up sleeping in the basement for almost a year. (this all happened in the fall of 2013, October I think)

    In that time I also got a chronic pain issue that would eventually require surgery to fix. I already knew I needed to get divorced but the question was, before or after surgery? I knew judging how my wife treated me while I was sick (like flu and stuff) that she'd be absolutely horrible taking care of me. This was a very significant surgery with a long recovery (took over two years to get back to 'normal"). I decided to get divorced.

    My wife (at the time) and I had many long and difficult discussions. I was very careful about not blaming her, not accusing her etc. We ended up having a really good divorce and officially were split up in the fall of 2014. Cost me almost half a million dollars but it was worth it!!!!!!

    Since that time - the mistress still tries to bother me about twice a year. I've completely ghosted her. No contact at all.

    Half way through the divorce - filed but not finalized - I met someone really interesting but she was very far away (like, wrong continent!!!).

    Divorce was finalized.

    Got my surgery

    Finally met with this "interesting person", we fell in love and after a few years we got married!!!!!

    I've been happy ever since!!!!!

    Like a lot of people who do this, I ask myself "why did I wait so long!".

    It's so strange - when I originally started this thread, I had a friend/confidant that I talked about these things with because she confessed to me one night that she was leaving her husband. When we shared stories it was clear they were similar. From my rock bottom point in 2013, it took me about a year to file in early 2014. She never filed and is still married to this day.

    But the good news - she finally hit her rock bottom point. She saw a therapist and her doctor prescribed her a very weak anti-depressant. She said it cleared her mind and now she saw that she had to leave her husband. Here was a middle aged woman who was very depressed, drank too much etc. etc.. I saw her over the weekend (social distancing of course - for future readers, we're in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic) and she was just glowing!!!!! My current wife - who knows my whole story and my friend's whole story - was very skeptical of her but even she said that she's completely different.

    She hasn't filed yet but she has told her husband and they're both taking steps to make it an amicable divorce. They're already splitting assets and she'll probably be buying a house really really soon. As soon as she's got it, she's filing and moving out.

    To summarize - there was a mixed bag of good and bad advice for me in this thread. I'm really glad I posted my thoughts and got all the responses, even the ones that weren't very constructive as it kind of forced me to analyze and see things from different perspectives. If you find yourself struggling so much and this keeps going on and on and on - you know what you need to do. And those fears about what everyone else is going to think? Well, it turns out for the most part people don't really care. They might spend about 2 seconds thinking about you, judging you, and then move on to something more interesting and important like do we have enough sugar in the house. You'll lose some friends you'll find out you never needed but you'll also gain some friends who are much better people than the ones you lost.

    Thanks everyone for the advice, good or bad!!!!

    And mostly - thank you to my beautiful and talented wife who helped "bring me back to normal" after the divorce.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good news. A testament about cutting your losses sooner rather than later for people who 'want to make it work' only to waste more years of their lives.

    Hopefully the horrible encounter with "Fatal Attraction" affair lady will keep you on the up and up. Watch the movie.

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