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Thread: Torn on which path to choose.

  1. #11
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    So I spent a lot of time thinking about this today and my head is just swimming with emotions. As I looked online about the steps for divorce in my state my heart just sank as the realities of these things sink in. I think I certainly need to bounce this stuff off of a live human being but the finances are not in good shape right now.

    I've checked and found that my local university has free counseling to help train grad students and I wonder if anyone has any experience with something similar. I suppose I could always try it and see how it goes. I want to just talk this stuff over with someone confidentially before I take any other steps because this is just such a big life changing event.

    The more I thought about it Lavender is just spot on with his analysis. As time went on we built walls and mechanisms to not deal with issues we had with one another and this affair illustrated to me so much that it doesn't have to be that way. The divorce process looks just terrifyingly miserable and makes me think that I need to try and fix my relationship with my wife....I just wonder if I've gone past the point of no return.

    I think about the good moments and for a few moments I think that I'm just asking for too much and that I could find love with my wife again...and then I remember the bad times, even resentment I've had at times and the feelings I had when I came to the conclusion that I'd just have to give up on ever feeling certain emotions positive emotions ever again in my life.

    That feeling of concession is just so disappointing and depressing. The feeling of going through a year or two in the process of divorce is also pretty depressing.... Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    It’s good you secretly investigated what divorce really is! It should be the motivation needed for you to at least try and fix your marriage.

    But how do you do that?
    Truth, honor and respect.


    Your current band-aid approach is nothing more than a continuation of your crippled reasoning process.

    You said, “I have not told my wife about the current affair and have no intention of doing so."
    That’s just a continuation of your disrespect for your wife. By refusing to mature you continue to void your marriage.


    You said, “... I've resolved that I will not cheat again."
    - Yes you will! By refusing accept responsibility and restore your honor; you leave no hope of discovering true love with your wife.


    You have two choices:

    1. Become a married man.
    - Very hard but could lead to lifelong happiness. (Not having to listen to your kids call some guy "Dad" will be your first benefit.)

    2. Get divorced.
    Yes, you're not going to like it... but everything being about you is what got you here in the first place.


    PS, Marriage is the opposite of dishonor.

  3. #13
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    Lester, I appreciate you responding and I will contemplate your words.

    I wanted to write a lot more but I simply can't anymore.

  4. #14
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    Thanks for all the input guys but writing this stuff here is just killing me now. Perhaps I'm just refusing to accept reality but I just have to believe that there's a better way than confessing. Perhaps it is the only way but for now, I can't accept that.

    I just submitted the form for the free counseling at the local university and I'm hoping they call soon.

    Bye everyone.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    If your rmarriage is going towards divorce then there is no need to hurt her with the truth.

    There are 2 camps on this issue here but it all comes down to what is right. If you are trying to rebuild what has been torn down, starting on a foundation of lies is not a good start.

    Ask yourself this: What if she asks me one day if I ever cheated.......what will be your answer?

    Don't rush to do anything right now until you get a chance to talk it over with someone.

    Lost

  7. #16
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    hey I feel for you.....I am in a very similair situation married for 17 years, two kids, great marraige in all ways but......no sex, intimacy and my husband seems to not be interested in me at all sexually. We are business partners (I work in our businesses and he stays home with the kids) but we own the businesses 50/50. I am trying not to cheat right now. I don't want to go down that road, but I have to figure out if what I am missing is worth recking a home for my children. On the inside I am miserable. I love sex, but I have maybe had sex 5 times in 5 years. We have talked about it he does not see and issue and makes up excuses. I feel extreme lost and alone and feel guilty about affecting my children, but I am starting to get desparate. Why cant there be some no strings attached place to just have sex and not have it interfere with life? I am sorry you are going through this as I am sure you feel as lost as I do. I am fortunate I have a good friend of 20 years that I can rant and talk to, but that can get tricky too as he keeps telling me I should make my mind up and leave.....than I should be true to myself and make myself happy otherwise I am just delaying the inevitablet. good luck with your situation, all I can tell you is be true to yourself and make the deceision that you can live with as we can not change where we go. I am desparately trying not to stray but it is extremely hard when my self esteem has been crushed by my husbands lack of interest in me. Makes it harder when others show an interest in me (even if it is just for sex) I sometimes think that would be better

    goood luck

  8. #17
    Bronze Member lemondust's Avatar
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    Flim....reading your initial post it seems apparent you got married for the wrong reasons, but there are probably millions who have done and will do the same. I commend you however for your honesty...and from how you describe it, it doesn't sound like a very fulfilling or meaningful relationship. The girl you had the affair with actually sounded like a decent lady, but you did the right thing there letting her go, and recognizing that doing otherwise would just be selfish.

    It also seems apparent now that you have fully accepted your wife isn't the woman for you, which is certainly a shame, and since she gave her virginity to you/you are the only (as far as you know) man she's slept with, it's not surprising really that she's not that adventurous, when she didn't really have to try very hard....you married her anyway with what she was offering. However, it would likely be hard for her to adjust to meeting someone new if it came to that.

    It seems that eventually divorce will happen....maybe when the circumstances are right for it.

  9. #18
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    Hi guys, I needed a few days without reading this board but I've decided to check in.

    The university is changing semesters so I decided to go to a private counsellor for $$ and talk a bit and it was very helpful and also very strange as the counsellor was siding with me it seems. It was very good to hear that what I'm asking for is really not asking too much and it's o.k. to want what I want. I told her that I truly feel obliged to fix this but I also don't feel it in my heart.

    Lemon, I hear you about my wife adjusting to being alone and I honestly feel for her there (if that's the direction I choose). As I've said, I don't hate her. There's some irony there too regarding an adjustment for her - She's not big into taking care of her looks and even less into taking care of the aspects of her looks that only I see. Over the years, I've begged her to "clean up" certain parts of her body which only resulted in a half hearted effort from her. The irony is that if we do end up splitting, I imagine that she'll do all of those things I've asked her to do (which is really nothing special - nothing that almost certainly 95% of women are doing anyway) in order to find another man.

    But you know, it's funny - after a month+ of no sex, she asked for it and I decided to go for it to see what would happen. She did clean up one of the areas which was grating on me. Last time she did that (maybe a year or so ago) I was delighted by it. This time I felt nothing.

    Anyway, talking to the counsellor did help even though it really didn't help me choose a direction. It did calm me down and give me a few strategies to pursue to try and dig into her inner workings. Spring break is coming up so she'll be home with me for a week (I work at home now) which gives me mixed feelings. I'm going to try to set up a date for us without the kids so I can ask her what she wants out of life. I'm going to try my hardest to steer the discussion away from what I want out of life for now until I'm able to better organize my thoughts and present things in a positive manner.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    There is no rush to end your marriage so keep doing what you are doing. It is very good that you are trying to get a feel for what she wants out of life so you can decide if that is for you. There will come a time when you will need to get her involved in the therapy so can have a chance to express herself in a safe enviorment.

    It wouldn't be very fair to secretly see a therapist, pick her brain and then out of the blue tell her it is over. If you both went to a counselor, tried working on the marriage (really tried) and it didn't work out then you could at least know you tried and made an effort to repair your marriage before choosing divorce.

    There have been a lot of men on this forum that had no idea how serious their wives were until the bomb was dropped on them and their wife ended the marriage. The husbands didn't take it seriously until it was to late. I would imagine there are women that do the very same thing and perhaps your wife doesn't reallyunderstand just how serious it has gotten and how misrable you are with the situation.

    Keep posting and good luck
    Lost

  11. #20
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    Thanks Lost,

    Yes, I definitely will get her involved at some point - I think she has no idea I feel this way and no idea that I've felt this way for so long. I don't want to destroy her and have her go down in flames.

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