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How to act when the boyfriend starts acting distant


LonelyGirl10

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Boyfriend was acting distant in November/December. My gut reaction was to ask him what was wrong, and I think that drove him crazy. He broke up with me the week before January. We got back together the beginning of March, and it was great at first. He was constantly texting me, asking to see me, and such. Now, it's gone back to how it was in November/December.

 

Some examples of what I mean... he used to text me good morning and goodnight when we dated the first time, and he rarely does that now. He used to text me in the middle of the day about random stuff, and he rarely does that now. He waits 3-4 hours to reply to my texts, and his answers are short. He doesn't say sweet things as much, like telling me I'm beautiful randomly.

 

When I ask him if he's okay, he says that everything is fine. And he tells me to relax. So, I tried relaxing. I kept texting him the way I did the first time we dated, like telling him good morning or goodnight, or random texts during the day saying things like "you're sexy." He used to love when I did that, and said that I made him smile and feel special. Now, I don't get a response at all to it. Last night he actually texted me "are you okay? You're being really sweet." Which, to me, implied that he thought I was being too sweet?

 

How should I respond to his distance? I want to give the relationship a real shot of working out. I can't just end it, because I'm not ready to do that and I don't want to have what if doubts. So, what should I do?

 

Should I talk to him about it, and tell him how I'm feeling? I'm leaning against this, because he says he's fine and that I'm being insecure.

 

Should I back off, and see if he misses me? Sometimes when I've done this in the past, he tells me that I'm being distant and gets upset.

 

Should I just keep acting like everything's normal, and see if it gets better? I've done this once before in the past, and he told me that he thought I was being sweet to him just to get him to say sweet things back to me.

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As a lot of good posters told you in your other threads, you need to back off a little and stop obsessing over every little thing and how it used to be. Used to be is gone, this is the relationship now. Try to not put a bad light on every little thing

 

I disagree. She isn't obsessing over every little thing. Would you want your spouse to continuously answer you with one word? And he said when they got back together that he would make her feel loved and know that he wants her. Well sorry, but being unresponsive for hours at a time and when he finally answers, not providing anything other than one word, isn't exactly showing her he wants to make things work. Not to mention, before the break up, his communication was much more than what it is now.

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I disagree. She isn't obsessing over every little thing. Would you want your spouse to continuously answer you with one word? And he said when they got back together that he would make her feel loved and know that he wants her. Well sorry, but being unresponsive for hours at a time and when he finally answers, not providing anything other than one word, isn't exactly showing her he wants to make things work. Not to mention, before the break up, his communication was much more than what it is now.

 

If you read some of her other threads, she obsesses over every move this guy makes. How many times must he tell her he feels everything is fine?

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If you read some of her other threads, she obsesses over every move this guy makes. How many times must he tell her he feels everything is fine?

 

I don't have to read her threads. I know plenty of the situation. Has a woman ever told you something was "fine" and it wasn't? It's not like she has high expectations knowing he won't meet them. Before they broke up, he always texted her, always said nice things, etc. Now it is different. If he wants things to be the way they are now, he needs to say that. But she is under the impression that things were going to be the way they were before, meaning, he was going to make an EFFORT.

 

Even when she makes an attempt to communicate with him that she feels like something is up, he completely disregards her feelings and tells her to chill out.

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I may be obsessing. I don't know. But I promise that his behavior is drastically different than it used to be. He used to give me SO much attention. Almost too much attention. He texted me pretty much all day long. And he was so unbelievably sweet. He always wanted to see me. Regardless of whether I'm obsessing now, there is a noticeable difference in his behavior. My thread here was trying to get advice on what to do. Whether I should keep acting like normal, or back off. When I back off though, he notices and starts acting insecure himself. I backed off last weekend when he decided to not see me, and he started texting asking what was wrong and why I was acting distant. But, I hate acting like normal when it's obviously not normal and I'm not getting anything in response from him.

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I think it is weird that he is concerned that she is being sweet.

 

Well bottom line, if she isnt getting what she needs, she needs to communicate it to him. If he refuses to change it, she needs to determine if she can stay in this relationship that she doesnt find fulfilling anymore, or move on.

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Sometimes break ups do to much damage to ever over come because there is always a cloud hanging over the relationship, and these two seem to be focused on the cloud and constantly checking for rain.

 

Its kinda like a broken vase, you can glue it back together, but you cant guarantee it will ever hold water again.

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Sometimes break ups do to much damage to ever over come because there is always a cloud hanging over the relationship, and these two seem to be focused on the cloud and constantly checking for rain.

 

Its kinda like a broken vase, you can glue it back together, but you cant guarantee it will ever hold water again.

 

And I'm not trying to attack you or shoot down your opinion, but I just find it a bit ridiculous that girls (usually) are being "crazy" or "obsessive" because their partner is behaving differently. Is she supposed to just not care? It seems like that is the attitude that many have, that when he is unresponsive or acting funny/weird, that she is just supposed to ignore it or else she is crazy.

 

Everyone has certain expectations when it comes to a relationship and I think it wouldn't fly with most people if they were with someone who was acting like this, not showing affection, not spending time with them, etc.

 

How would you feel if at 6pm your partner said they were going to go to their parent's house and wouldn't be able to talk to you for the rest of the night?

 

Maybe I just have a different viewpoint, but the last time a man told me to "calm down" or "relax" or "its nothing" when I thought there was something weird/odd/funny going on behind my back, I found out he was cheating on me and is now dating that girl.

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Well first of all...I get where the insecurity comes from. He did break her heart in January.

 

OP, talk to your guy, let him know, you're not over how things went down in Nov/Dec. So while you understand that you both do not need to be in constant communication (regular texting), you appreciate and love the texts you do get from him. That verbal communication from him makes you feel loved.

 

You have remember, men find validation in other ways.

 

Then you also have to share, that you'd like to avoid things like his distance in the future...that if something about you or the relationship is bothering him, that the only way it can be addressed is to PIPE up, and communicate with one another.

 

Let him know it will take some time to rebuild the trust between you both.

 

But I will say this...forgive him! And let the weight of the whole situation go. Move forward. Life is too short to hold on to misunderstandings and miscommunications.

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Sometimes break ups do to much damage to ever over come because there is always a cloud hanging over the relationship, and these two seem to be focused on the cloud and constantly checking for rain.

 

Its kinda like a broken vase, you can glue it back together, but you cant guarantee it will ever hold water again.

 

That's a great analogy. Sometimes we all want to go back to how things were before, happier times, but history gets in the way. As the saying goes, you can't step into the same river twice.

 

Regardless here of who is causing the insecurity or who is obsessing about things and whether the OP is reacting appropriately or not, the point is that the OP is unhappy with the current situation. Unfortunately we can't change other people and make them more loving, attentive, caring, etc. The best thing we can do is to be compassionate while making our needs known. If he can't or refuses to meet them, then sadly it means the two are incompatible. I learned the hard way, it is better to leave with dignity than to stay with insecurity.

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Why did the two of you break up? Has that been resolved?

 

It's hard to say without knowing the specifics. I haven't read your other threads.

 

He told me a lot of reasons. Initially, it was because he was depressed. He said that his depression was causing him to be distant, and that he wasn't able to treat me the way he wanted to. Then, it was because he thought he wanted to move out of state. He also told me he had cold feet about proposing. He never once gave me a reason that was my fault, or something that I could work on changing.

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I would tell a man the same thing in this situation, and have. Obviously you are taking my advice to the OP personal based on gender, so I will disengage from this discussion with you.

 

And you do have a different viewpoint, one based on your own personal negative experience, and as such is jaded and is in no way indicative that her boyfriend is cheating. I'm sure she really needs that thought now.

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Thank you. I'm scared to talk to him, because I'm scared of getting the reaction that I got from Edmund. Every time I bring it up, he tells me that everything is okay. And he tells me to not stress out. But, I promise that he's acting different. We did not see each other last weekend at all. Have not seen each other this week. He hasn't asked to see me yet this weekend. I asked if I could see him tomorrow, and haven't gotten a response. I may be obsessing, but I'm not making it up.

 

And, I hate feeling like I'm crazy. I know there's something wrong. I know it. He's acting different. I just don't know how to fix it. So I was hoping to get some guys' perspectives on how to fix it.

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He told me a lot of reasons. Initially, it was because he was depressed. He said that his depression was causing him to be distant, and that he wasn't able to treat me the way he wanted to. Then, it was because he thought he wanted to move out of state. He also told me he had cold feet about proposing. He never once gave me a reason that was my fault, or something that I could work on changing.

 

Well maybe he is being honest and those are his issues, and as such there is nothing you can do to change.

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LoneyGirl Im not trying to be mean or give you a negative reaction. You have to understand that men are usually less likely to respond in the emotional way that women expect when it comes to matters of feelings. I agree its tough to read what he has going on, but I would take him at his word until he gives you reason not to.

 

That being said, being scared to communicate will get you nowhere in any relationship. You're afraid of his reaction, but you are suffering all this time for an answer. Is this really better?

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Well maybe he is being honest and those are his issues, and as such there is nothing you can do to change.

 

Yeah, in that case - it's not in your control to "fix" it.

 

It sounds to me like he is still testing the waters of this relationship again. Not all in. You are certainly not crazy, your feelings are real.

 

Sometimes though there is nothing you can do except accept it. And decide if this is something you can be happy with or not.

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Going back to what lilypadgirl said, because I think she made a good point, what does him being distant mean to you?

 

You almost sound like you need attention that he is not giving. So it is understandable why he broke up with you the first time. If he continues to be his distant self, would you want to leave the relationship?

 

To me, there are only two possible reasons why he could be getting distant:

1. That is his personality

2. He is uninterested in you

 

I think that a good discussion would help clear things up for you.

And by discussion, I mean discussion. Without complaints or emotions. I am not assuming that you will be immature, but if you are going to complain about the relationship, you may as well leave now.

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Going back to what lilypadgirl said, because I think she made a good point, what does him being distant mean to you?

 

You almost sound like you need attention that he is not giving. So it is understandable why he broke up with you the first time. If he continues to be his distant self, would you want to leave the relationship?

 

To me, there are only two possible reasons why he could be getting distant:

1. That is his personality

2. He is uninterested in you

 

I think that a good discussion would help clear things up for you.

And by discussion, I mean discussion. Without complaints or emotions. I am not assuming that you will be immature, but if you are going to complain about the relationship, you may as well leave now.

 

We dated for a year before we broke up. He always gave me a lot of attention, more than I expected. I wasn't used to it from prior relationships, but I became used to it because it's how he treated me. It's what was normal for him. So when he stops acting like that, it's something I notice. Perhaps him being "distant" is just the normal behavior for other guys, but it's abnormal behavior for him. Does that make sense?

 

Some examples of what I'm talking about: He used to text me good morning and good night. He would text me during the day about things at work. He would text me during the day and just tell me I'm beautiful. He would say that he missed me. He wanted to spend time on the weekends together. He used to send me flowers at work every month on our anniversary saying that it was the best ___ months of his life. He did this for 11 months. I thought it was crazy at first, but got used to it. He would surprise me with picnics. He would leave notes around my house for me to find. It's just a lot of small things that showed that he was thinking about me.

 

In December, I started noticing those things stopping. I asked him if everything was okay. He said yes. The odd behavior continued. I became insecure. He broke up with me, and he told me that I was right. He said his behavior changed because he was depressed.

 

When we got back together, he initially acted like his normal self. Now he's acting distant again, like he did in December.

 

I don't want to continue in the relationship with this distant behavior, because it doesn't make me happy. I also am not ready to end the relationship. I want to get back to the way that we were before December.

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LoneyGirl Im not trying to be mean or give you a negative reaction. You have to understand that men are usually less likely to respond in the emotional way that women expect when it comes to matters of feelings. I agree its tough to read what he has going on, but I would take him at his word until he gives you reason not to.

 

That being said, being scared to communicate will get you nowhere in any relationship. You're afraid of his reaction, but you are suffering all this time for an answer. Is this really better?

 

Thanks, and I know. I just hate feeling like I'm crazy or imagining things. I know I seem obsessive and insecure in my threads recently. That's not the normal me though. I feel like a completely different person. The "me" I know is confident and secure. My boyfriend told me that he felt like he won a prize when I told him I wanted to be exclusive with him the first time. I don't like this version of myself.

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Also, another thing... I haven't seen him since Tuesday, March 5th. He had a bump on the corner of his mouth then. I asked him what it was, and he said a pimple. He's never had a cold sore before, so I believed him. On Friday he told me that it was a cold sore. He canceled plans with me for that weekend because of it, and hasn't made any plans this week with me because of it.

 

I am a little suspicious how he got a cold sore since he never had one before. But he said that he thinks he probably had it since a kid, and it was just dormant. I'm willing to trust him on that.

 

I told him I don't care if he has a cold sore. But he said he doesn't want to see me with it, because it would be awkward to be with me and not be able to kiss.

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I think when a man acts distant, the LAST thing that a woman should do is invade his space(i.e. continuing to ask him what's wrong, trying to do things to make him "better" or love you more, calling, texting constantly, etc--you get my drift). When a man gets distant, you give him space. You back off and give him time to process what he is feeling. You don't ask him anything about his "distant" behavior. In time, he'll come to you once he reaches a "solution"(as in once he feels ready to talk to you). And when he comes back, open your arms to him and comfort him. This lets him know that you are okay with giving him space when he NEEDS it. However if he is constantly needing space, that is when it's time to "question" the state of the relationship. From this thread, it seems like his distant behavior is simply needing his space. You need to give him that--leave him alone little bit.

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