Confused. Step-parenting. Help needed.

Hello community,

I need some fresh perspectives. I have been dating a man with a 2 and 1/2 year-old son for about 1 year. (My bf was married before and his ex-wife left him for another man when their son was an infant. They have shared custody.) I have no children of my own, and was also married before. My bf and I have similar interests and are compatible in a lot of ways. We get along well, and have fun times together.

The concern is, I don't want to be a step-mom. I love my bf's son, and he loves me too, and I help with his care a good amount. I don't want to be a "replacement mom" and I just can't seem to shake the feeling that it's not going to be easy, that I'm setting myself up for years of hardship and heartache if I continue with this relationship. On the other hand, it's really difficult to say good-bye to a man who treats me well and who is compatible with me simply because he has a son.

My concerns are some of the common ones with step-parenting: worried about step-son rebelling and not treating me with respect as he gets older (which I can see happening due to his mother's permissive parenting style), sadness about if my bf and I have a child together in the future it would not be his first child (loss of that specialness to the experience), annoyed with ex-wife's passive-aggressive communication style, and anticipating more problems with her in the future if her current relationship does not work out (i.e. coming after bf for more child support, her jealousy, etc).

The thing is, I know this is a choice. If I choose to stay with my bf, then I choose to deal with all that comes with it- step-parenting, the ex, and such. And if I choose not to stay with my bf, I know I will be sad and missing a wonderful man. It's a difficult choice.

A further complication is that my bf and his son live with me in a house that I own, so if we were to break up, they would need to move out. It breaks my heart to think of destabilizing my bf and his son after all they've been through. But yes, I know that is better than staying in it solely to avoid a time-limited painful transition. But I don't even know if that's what I want!

Part of what attracts me to my bf is how responsible he is. My bf is a great father to his son, and shows maturity with being able to take care of another little soul. Men I've dated in the past who are not parents often can't seem to see beyond themselves, though it's not that black-and-white. I know there are dead-beat dads out there and there are kind, mature childless men out there too.

It's so discouraging. I sometimes don't really even want to date at all anymore. It's silly really, because I so want to be married/have a partner and have children and share my life with someone who loves me and treats me well, but there's this other side of me that just doesn't want to deal with the complications and challenges of relationships.

I don't know what to do.

Any perspectives/advice is appreciated.

My girlfriend moved into my home 2 1/2 years ago. Shes quite a bit younger so her children are young too. I have an adult son living wth me. And try as I do, I have a very hard time bonding with her boys. I find one of them annoying - he is a ten year old who still whines and cries....yet out of the two, I like him the most. I have tried hard with him, regarding the "baby behavior" - and since I know it's a special needs thing, I knew how to handle him. And after 3 years together, (2 1/2 living with me), he's still annoying, but I like him. The other one is older, 12, lies, has a high level of expectations, has a low level of care (leaves garbage, half empty open liquid containers all over the place, leaves clothes everywhere, leaves doors ajar when going outside), the list of issues with the older one are long, and don't seem to be improving. He is an instigater with the younger brother and as a result, alot of yelling and arguing takes place...increasing annoyance. My son and I have lived a quiet private life for a long time. His mom was always gone (second life) so this kind of thing was difficult to get used to. My son can't stand either of my girlfriend's children, but does his best to treat them respectfully...although sometimes it's a challenge being nice while their being annoying.

I have worked with them both, and both tend to be very respectful to me, and have been very good about following my house rules...which really amounts to one guideline. "Respect" - I expect their behavior to be respectful, of each other, myself, my son, their mom. Treat others as you wish to be treated, respect space, noise level, communication,...and in return, so shalll they receive. Respect given, is respect gained. As a result of consistantly working with them on this, they are both better behaved with me, than with their mom.

When it comes to the parenting part, the part you're concerned with. Maury says it the best. "You are NOT the father." And I'm not. I am a positive male role model, whom they call me by my first name. I am involved with school issues, esp with the younger who has special needs, and since I've been down that route before, and the school is sort of afraid of me, I plowed the road for the younger one. My girlfriend, as a young single mom, tended to have chronic problems with the schools regarding services for the younger son. So, I have been able to help with that immensely. He's all set, a yellow brick road now. The other one, the older problematic one, I try to engage on an "as needed" basis. I am mindful of the words I use, and am mindful of his... I don't know if I'll ever bond with him but I will treat him well, but thats the best I can do at this point.

You have a child much younger than what I had to deal with. Young....and theirs only one. I think the trade off for getting a good man really isn't a bad thing. The child is still moldable....and who knows, maybe in time you will bond, and he will call you mom. If he doesn't, so be it.

My girlfriend is an angel. I have never enjoyed the level of female affection, and the unique quality of that affection, the way she gives it. I adore her, and love her with my whole heart. I enjoy making her happy, and giving her security. The issues with her children, while challenging, are worth it for what I am getting in return. An added benefit is her family, whom I was worried about since I am the same age as the parents, aunts, uncles, in some cases older. They have been so good to me and my son. My son's job at the local college, was handed to him as a result of this family. They all know I love her, and love seeing her happy. This is as opposed to my ex wife, whose family hated me all along, and treated me like an outcast. Beat our age diifference over my head, a 6 year difference....thats probably why I was worried this time around. I have not been this happy in my entire life.

If you don't feel you can do it get out now. Both of my stepfathers loved me too bits and accepted me as their own and a child deserves nothing less.

If you don't feel you can do it get out now. Both of my stepfathers loved me too bits and accepted me as their own and a child deserves nothing less.

I agree. Children know when they're being "tolerated". It can lead to a lot of resentment as they get older.

OP, while its great that your examining some of your reservations about being a stepmom before "making it legal" it would have been much better to do so before you moved your boyfriend and his son in. As they live with you, that's a commitment right there. To that boy, you ARE his de-facto stepmom already.

Search your heart and your feelings to see if you can ever love this boy like your own. I know he is not born of your own body, but could you truly accept him as a "bonus" son? A child whose presence adds to your life; not a complication?

I get that the ex-wife may always be trying to deal with, but this boy shouldn't. You will never replace his mother, but as you live with him you have the opportunity to be another trusted parental figure who he loves and feels close to.

My parents divorced when I was young. My dad had one longtime girlfriend who was like a stepmom to us growing up. She baked us treats, helped us with our homework, she truly cared and it showed. That is a world of difference from someone who merely tolerates the children of their SO. Kids aren't stupid. They will pick up on these things, and will combination of hurt, confusion (why doesn't she like me?), resentment (well, I don't like her either!), and spite (he's my dad!).

I'm going around in circles here, but I hope this helps. Also, I get you may worry about how having children with him wouldn't be "new" for him. But in all honesty, loving children is a bottomless well. He's going to love the children he has with you unconditionally. It won't be the same as first time parents, but do you think when couples have a second baby together it's somehow less of an event to them because they've done it before?

Since you've been a part of this little boy's life since he was 18 mos old -- and he lives with you -- I doubt he'll grow up thinking of you as his "step-mom," in the traditional negative stereotype sense. He's more likely to think of you as his mom, or as his 'other' mom.

Treating you with respect as he gets older isn't something that you can necessarily predict with any kid, whether biologically yours or not, but kids are pretty great about loving and respecting people who genuinely love and respect them back. He'll likely accept your boundaries as much as any growing kid, even if they're different than his bio mom's boundaries, because he wouldn't have ever known anything else. This would be different if he were 13 and encountering new sets of rules for the first time, but that wouldn't be the case here -- he'd have known you his whole life.

But yes -- if you're worried about being able to love the boy, and/or if you are strongly wanting a more traditional relationship process with a partner (date, commit, enjoy being a couple with few responsibilities, THEN decide to have a child and go through all those "firsts" together) -- this may not be the best situation for you. And that's ok! It's certainly a lot of responsibility to take on. I mean, after dating for only one year you essentially have a complete new family in your home. Not to mention dealing with the ex-wife problems.

But I'll also caution you not to underestimate the awesomeness of a mature man who has demonstrated his ability to love and care for a child, and to commit to the kind of life that you do ultimately want for yourself (and who presumably loves you and treats you well!). Sounds to me like you've got a very good situation, even if more complicated than one you would have designed for yourself.

>>worried about step-son rebelling and not treating me with respect as he gets older

Well, even your own children will rebel and not treat you with respect when they become teenagers. That is NORMAL for kids to do when they are learning their own indepedence at certain stages in life. So you kind of need to get over that idea for ANY child.

Life is full of all kinds of challenges. So you need to decide whether you love this man enough to accept that he has a child and that that child deserves to be loved and nurtured rather than thought of an an alien interloper in your life who 'spoils' a girlish fantasy of herself and her husband in a perfect little love bubble where nothing ever interferes and reality doesn't intrude.

If you can't stop thinking of this child as an 'outsider' then just break it off now. Personally, when i see a two year old (ANY two year old) i see a fascinating and totally exasperating little creature who can bring absolute sunshine and absolute chaos frustration to mind. But there is a little human being in there who is NOT defined by the fact that you are not his mother. You are just casting him as that 'thing' that is baggage that isn't there to be loved and molded and shaped by you. You are not his mother, but you could be an amazing force in his life and share in the parenting experience with him. You have been in his life from close to the very beginning of it and can have an ENORMOUS impact on him and who he grows up to become if you are living with him as his stepmother. I know MANY people who really hate their own parent if their parent was problematic and love a stepparent more than that parent because they were a loving and nurturing and positive force in their lives.

So can you rise above your own pettiness and self interest to accept this child as a little individual person whom you can love, or will you resent the child and be overly harsh when the child is just doing what ALL children do at particular life phases that might be inconvenient, annoying, difficult? And honestly, i had to chuckle reading your post because you are obviously not a parent yet if you don't think your own child will be equally annoying, difficult, disrespectful, challenging and any number of other things that children do to drive a parent crazy. People dream of their own 'perfect' child, but children pop out with their own personalities and their own set of wonders and problems and you can't choose your perfect child because the child will be who it is. So you are ruling out your BF's child because he doesn't match up to being your own 'perfect' fantasy of how a child in your life should be.

So what i'm saying is if you can't start looking at this child as an individual who you can enjoy and help raise without predjudice against him simply because you didn't give birth to him, then leave, and leave now before the child gets more attached to you. And if you want to try to love this child, then read some parenting books and try to nurture generosity and open-mindedness in yourself rather than faulting a rambunctioius two year old just because he MIGHT end up acting some way that irritates you because of your own selfishness and lack of understanding about what children are and how they will impact your life and behave.

I agree with everyone else all teenagers rebel and can be disrespectful, it is all a part of growing up and becoming independent. Even your own biological children will do this. So that is not a logical reason. I have a teenager and he is pretty respectful 95% of the time but he has his moments of disrespect and they ALL do.

Children and parents are packaged deals, for FOREVER. Children should be loved and cherished and appreciated and guided. If you can't do it then this man is not for you no matter how well you get along with his dad or how much you love each other. This is about a child's life.

Blending families is one of the hardest things I've been through, but it's also one of the most fulfilling things you can do.

I have had custody of my step-daughter since she was eight years old, and she'll be sixteen in May. At the time, my husband and I had been dating for about 18 months (one year of that a LDR) and he had moved into my house about three months prior.

To be honest, it was him I wanted, but he came as a package deal and since I also had a daughter (16 at that time) and I came as a package deal as well, I remember thinking that this was my chance to give my oldest daughter a sister, and a bigger, closer family. I could give that little girl a mother she could count on. We could build a family together that would always be there for each other.

To my surprise, it was hardly ever his daughter that caused most of the issues I faced while step-parenting - it was him!

One thing I didn't consider when we got together was how much guilt he'd have over everything that happened with her bio-mom. This led him to make decisions that weren't always the best for her, even though his intentions were good. This led me to resent him for undermining me and I resented my step-daughter for knowingly smirking when (for example) she didn't have to get ready for bed after 9 pm because her dad was playing on the Xbox and decided it was okay for her to "watch for awhile."

That was six or seven years ago now and we have gotten much better about being on the same page. Once we got into therapy and learned that it was better for his daughter to follow a routine (it helped her feel secure, knowing what to expect each day) and that sometimes, he just had to trust me and let me be "the mama" things got a LOT easier.

I did go through periods where she argued with me and was disrespectful, and right now I'm dealing with teenage BS, but she is my daughter. Her bio-mom passed away three years ago, effectively making me her only mom and we have a good relationship today. I feel that everything I went through was completely, totally worth it. I love them both, I want them both in my family.

I hope our stories have done a little to appease your worries. My thoughts are if you love this man and he's a good father, then you will both do what's right to keep your family unit together. If that means getting help to understand a situation better, then why not? And since his little boy is so young, I agree with catbird that it's likely he'll think of you as another mom.

Thanks for the perspective, Morrow. It is uplifting.

If you don't feel you can do it get out now. Both of my stepfathers loved me too bits and accepted me as their own and a child deserves nothing less.

Thanks for the reply. I love my bf's son to bits as well, he adores me, and I treat him very well, providing love, affection, and consistent limits. Children do deserve love and acceptance.

I think a lot of these replies assume I don't like my bf's son. I do; I love him, in fact. The thing is, no one dreams of being a step-mother. It's difficult to help raise someone else's child, to not have the same "say-so" as the "real parents" but at the same time to be expected to do the all the thankless work of parenting. Because parenting does take work, which I believe is very worth it.

I'm glad you, Victoria, had excellent stepfathers. That's wonderful. However, I don't think it's a fair comparison between stepfathers and stepmothers. Stepfathers/men are generally not expected to become the primary caregivers to children in the household, whereas stepmothers/women are often expected to fill this role. That's a lot to ask of someone, to become the primary caregiver of a child that is not their own.

Thank you for the reply. It is helpful.

To clarify, I am not "tolerating" my bf's son. I love him, and I like being a positive parental figure in his life. Honestly, I'm realizing some of the issues are more with the ex-wife (when you're a step-parent, there is usually an ex involved). My bf's ex can be very manipulative, and is most definitely not someone who I would choose to have in my life. Too chaotic. Unstable energy. I do my best to keep my distance, and I am courteous and respectful when interacting with her as needed, but I do not like her, and I do not trust her. I'm realizing this may be one of the biggest issues for me. I think I would have fewer concerns about being a step-mom if the ex was easier to co-parent with.

You stated that it would have been better for me to examine my reservations "before you moved your boyfriend and his son in." Written that way, it makes it sound like I literally picked them up and placed them in my house and that they are the "victims" being acted upon. I must disagree with that. My boyfriend pushed to move in with me. Also, before they moved in, I did not provide a lot of my bf's son's care by myself, and now that we live together, my bf asks me to take care of his son on my own much more than I am comfortable doing. It's that assumption again that women will become the primary caregiver of children in the household, which I don't agree with. This child is my bf's son, and my bf should be the primary one responsible for his care. I am happy to assist, and I often do, but I don't want to take over. I have talked about this with my bf and he says he understands, but I'm not sure if it has really sunk in yet. One frustrating thing is that my bf told me early on in our relationship that he did not want me "playing mommy" to his son (which I did not do), but then once they moved in, it seems like he wants me to BE the mommy. It's confusing.

Thanks for pointing out that having a baby is always special. I feel more at ease with that earlier concern.

Thank you for the reply, catbird. It was very helpful and kind, and gives me some great insights to think more about. I do wonder if I am strongly wanting a more traditional relationship process with a partner. I also appreciate the perspective that sometimes great things come in unexpected ways.

Lavenderdove, thank you for the reply. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

However, I do think your response is a bit harsh. You used words like "petty, selfish, lack of understanding, fantasy," which was not necessary, and seems to be fueled by anger over some experience in your own life. I do not think of my bf's son as "an alien interloper" in my life and I do not see him as "baggage." I love my bf's son (very much so), which I stated in my original post. I have already read quite a few books on parenting and also step-parenting, and I can see the positive impact my presence has in this little boy's life. My bf's son was sad and shut down at 18 months, and now he is happy and lively. I treat him very well, with respect and love.

Honestly, I dread the day that he gets mad at me (and I'm sure he will someday- it's normal) and screams "I hate you! You're not my mother!" That would hurt my heart. I am well aware that if I had a child of my own I could also hear "I hate you! I wish you were not my mother!" which would also hurt my heart. There are similar challenges in parenting and step-parenting. There are also unique challenges to step-parenting. I am new to them all, and it's not helpful to have someone "chuckle" at my learning process.

Blending families is one of the hardest things I've been through, but it's also one of the most fulfilling things you can do.

 

To my surprise, it was hardly ever his daughter that caused most of the issues I faced while step-parenting - it was him!

 

I feel that everything I went through was completely, totally worth it. I love them both, I want them both in my family.

 

I hope our stories have done a little to appease your worries. My thoughts are if you love this man and he's a good father, then you will both do what's right to keep your family unit together. If that means getting help to understand a situation better, then why not? And since his little boy is so young, I agree with catbird that it's likely he'll think of you as another mom.

Thank you for the reply. It's helpful.

Funny, most of my challenges are with the adults too! With my bf (his parenting style is a bit permissive, probably due to guilt as well, but thankfully it's getting better with encouragement and support from me) and with dealing with the ex (who can be manipulative).

I do think my bf's son sees me as another parent. He alternates between calling me by my first name and calling me mommy. I very much value having him in my life. There are just so many challenges that comes with it, and again it's mainly with the adults. You'd think that would make navigating the waters easier!

As I said . If you can not do it leave now. I understand what it means to be a stepmother my mother was one to 2 different sets of children. One set that I lived with as well. Believe me I understand blended families.

I also understand being a mother I have been one for almost 16 years.

If you don't want to be the primary giver to a child that is not yours don't be in a relationship with somebody that has a child. If you had your own child with him that disparity would become very clear. You would be setting up those children to not like each other and one child feel less valuable.

Really if you think you can't hack it it's time to get out and move on.

>>You would be setting up those children to not like each other and one child feel less valuable.

Exactly.. that is my point... you are clearly saying, 'i don't want the trouble of paying lots of attention and helping parent and care for a child that i did not give birth to.' If you gave birth to the child = worth the trouble. If you didn't give birth to the child and don't like his mother = not worth the trouble.

Your attitude is such that you should not attempt to be a step parent. You should be framing and looking at that child as a unique individual who needs your love and attention, and if you resent giving that while the child is living in your home and with other children to whom you give preference and more attention and caring, then you just should go find a single man without children rather than setting up a toxic environment for an innocent child who has done nothing wrong other than you not giving birth to him.

Honestly, what do you expect here? That if his kid asks for a glass of water, his father has to get up and go get it, but if one of your own children asks for a glass of water then you will get it? Or if the father needs to go to work on short notice, he has to call a babysitter for his kid while you go watch TV and bake cookies for your own children? How is that going to work if you do stay with him and give birth to children with him? You MUST treat his child with equal care and respect and not set up a huge divide where his firstborn is 'his' responsibility while your own children are 'his and your' responsibility. Is that little boy going to stand in his bedroom sockless while you put socks on your own children and scream for his father to come put socks on 'his' kid because that shouldn't be your responsibility? I hope you see what your current attitude will lead to.. you either need to change it and 100% accept this child as being of equal responsibility to your own kids when in your home, or you need to accept that you don't have the generosity of spirit to accept a child whom you did not birth into your home along with your own future children. You may not like that, but that is honestly what it boils down to, that you are not willing to open up your life and heart to accept this child equally with your own and put equal effort into that parenting of his son.

It will just never work if you have this attitude where you resent caring for this kid and expect the father to do most of the work while you ignore this child's needs and would favor your own children over his son. If you can't treat them all equally, and be willing to roll up your sleeves and parent that child while the child in your home, then you shouldn't even consider it.

btw, yes, i have dated man with children and i adored the children and was thrilled to see them and happy to care for them and spend as much time as possible with them. And the ex-wife is a crazy witch no question, but i never held it against the children at all and was happy to share in their lives. They have grown up to be wonderful and successful and HAPPY children and it was an honor and a pleasure to be in their lives and help care for them.

So if you don't have an open heart and a positive attitude, then you shouldn't be a step-parent because you will have a HUGE negative impact on that child's forming sense of self. Reading your posts it is clear you're taking a 'what's in it for me' attitude towards this child and you could do serious mental harm to a child if you ignore or make this child second best to any children of your own when your children would be siblings to this child. He would grow up thinking, 'what am i doing wrong that this woman doesn't want to care for me and love me as she does her own children?' When of course the child is doing NOTHING wrong and you are just unwilling/unable to be a big enough person to open your heart to an innocent child. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't be a step-mother.

So you need to do some honest self evaluation and if you decide you are not a big enough person to do that, that is OK. Everyone 100% has a right to choose what level of effort they are willing to put into a relationship or raising someone else's child, but if you can't do it well or don't really want to do it or only do it a 'little bit' when you're in the mood for it, then don't do it. But you should also be thinking of the child here and if you do some deep self searching and feel you will resent it or will want to 'split' the parenting duties such that your own level of effort gives your children full attention/resources while you try to avoid caring for his son because you feel your BF should be doing it and not you, then don't do it.

I don't think it's healthy for the child to be living with a woman who is not married to his father and not his mother especially since you are ambivalent about whether you see this relationship as long term -children get far too attached and it's not fair to put the child through this if you're not sure you want this role. Also you need to talk to your boyfriend directly or with a counselor to establish the boundaries you are comfortable with -also for the best interests of the child.

Thank you for the reply. It is helpful.

You're welcome.

To clarify, I am not "tolerating" my bf's son. I love him, and I like being a positive parental figure in his life.

That's good to hear! Glad he's in your heart.

Honestly, I'm realizing some of the issues are more with the ex-wife (when you're a step-parent, there is usually an ex involved). My bf's ex can be very manipulative, and is most definitely not someone who I would choose to have in my life. Too chaotic. Unstable energy. I do my best to keep my distance, and I am courteous and respectful when interacting with her as needed, but I do not like her, and I do not trust her. I'm realizing this may be one of the biggest issues for me. I think I would have fewer concerns about being a step-mom if the ex was easier to co-parent with.

This is rough.. I understand where you're coming from. Baby mama (or daddy) drama can take a big toll on your relationship -- even when you and your partner are on the same page! It's more manageable when you are a united front, BUT it can destroy a relationship if you are not.

Truth is, the Ex will never be out of the picture. That may be a difficult reality to face, but it's good your recognizing it now. NOW is the time to address it with your partner and come up with strategies to work through it together. For example, I strongly feel HE should be the one handling all the direct contact with the Ex concerning custody/visitation, disciplinary, and school issues. You should have a say of course, but he should relay your joint decisions to her.

In YOUR home and day-to-day life, the two you should be firm in parenting the child together. Which includes him giving you authority to set limits and rules for his son. No undermining. Discuss conflicting views in private, away from listening range.

You stated that it would have been better for me to examine my reservations "before you moved your boyfriend and his son in." Written that way, it makes it sound like I literally picked them up and placed them in my house and that they are the "victims" being acted upon. I must disagree with that. My boyfriend pushed to move in with me.

Certainly it takes two to tango. I think you BOTH are responsible for jumping the gun. Some of the larger issues concerning your future together and your role in taking care of his son should have been ironed out before living together. As it is now, there was a lot of room for resentment and uncertainty to build since roles and intentions were not clearly defined.

Also, before they moved in, I did not provide a lot of my bf's son's care by myself, and now that we live together, my bf asks me to take care of his son on my own much more than I am comfortable doing. It's that assumption again that women will become the primary caregiver of children in the household, which I don't agree with. This child is my bf's son, and my bf should be the primary one responsible for his care. I am happy to assist, and I often do, but I don't want to take over. I have talked about this with my bf and he says he understands, but I'm not sure if it has really sunk in yet. One frustrating thing is that my bf told me early on in our relationship that he did not want me "playing mommy" to his son (which I did not do), but then once they moved in, it seems like he wants me to BE the mommy. It's confusing.

It's frustrating his bait and switch. However, you three are living together as a family. When a couple lives together, boyfriends are prone to treat the woman like a WIFE, not a roommate. In your case, you've become "mommy" as well, but I think most people could see that coming from a mile away (it's hard to see it with clarity when you're in the middle of it, but this outcome is not unexpected to outside observers!).

Thanks for pointing out that having a baby is always special. I feel more at ease with that earlier concern.

No problem. I think it's natural to want to share the "firsts" milestones with the man you love. But as we get older there are less and less of them to share! Fortunately, we realize the milestone in of it self isn't what is important -- it's who we're sharing it with that makes it special. For example, getting married is a happy occasion regardless if you've been married before. Being with your CURRENT partner is what makes it unique. The past does not cancel out the love you have for the person you're with now.

>>you are clearly saying, 'i don't want the trouble of paying lots of attention and helping parent and care for a child that i did not give birth to.' If you gave birth to the child = worth the trouble. If you didn't give birth to the child and don't like his mother = not worth the trouble.

I am not saying that at all. I find your responses rude and attacking.

Your attitude is such that you should not attempt to be a step parent. You should be framing and looking at that child as a unique individual who needs your love and attention, and if you resent giving that while the child is living in your home and with other children to whom you give preference and more attention and caring, then you just should go find a single man without children rather than setting up a toxic environment for an innocent child who has done nothing wrong other than you not giving birth to him.

I do frame this child as a unique individual who I do love and give lots of attention. I have no intention of treating him differently from other kids, IF my bf and I are to have children together. Right now, we do not have children together, and if we do, I would give them the same level of care and attention.

Honestly, what do you expect here? That if his kid asks for a glass of water, his father has to get up and go get it, but if one of your own children asks for a glass of water then you will get it? Or if the father needs to go to work on short notice, he has to call a babysitter for his kid while you go watch TV and bake cookies for your own children? How is that going to work if you do stay with him and give birth to children with him? You MUST treat his child with equal care and respect and not set up a huge divide where his firstborn is 'his' responsibility while your own children are 'his and your' responsibility. Is that little boy going to stand in his bedroom sockless while you put socks on your own children and scream for his father to come put socks on 'his' kid because that shouldn't be your responsibility? I hope you see what your current attitude will lead to.. you either need to change it and 100% accept this child as being of equal responsibility to your own kids when in your home, or you need to accept that you don't have the generosity of spirit to accept a child whom you did not birth into your home along with your own future children. You may not like that, but that is honestly what it boils down to, that you are not willing to open up your life and heart to accept this child equally with your own and put equal effort into that parenting of his son.

You are making a lot of assumptions here. I would never "scream" for his father to come put socks on him. I provide a lot of his care, and I enjoy that. None of my posts indicate that I do not enjoy helping to care for this little boy. That's the difference though. His father should be his primary caregiver right now, because he is his father. I am happy to be the secondary caregiver, and step in as needed if his father needs to go do something else. But it is unfair for my bf to shift his son on me to do all or the majority of the care for. I don't think that's fair to this boy either. Couldn't he also at some point be thinking "why doesn't my own dad take care of me?"

And, if my bf and I have children together, than we would share the parenting duties for all the children.

It will just never work if you have this attitude where you resent caring for this kid and expect the father to do most of the work while you ignore this child's needs and would favor your own children over his son. If you can't treat them all equally, and be willing to roll up your sleeves and parent that child while the child in your home, then you shouldn't even consider it.

Again, I would not favor my own children over my bf's son.

So if you don't have an open heart and a positive attitude, then you shouldn't be a step-parent because you will have a HUGE negative impact on that child's forming sense of self. Reading your posts it is clear you're taking a 'what's in it for me' attitude towards this child and you could do serious mental harm to a child if you ignore or make this child second best to any children of your own when your children would be siblings to this child. He would grow up thinking, 'what am i doing wrong that this woman doesn't want to care for me and love me as she does her own children?' When of course the child is doing NOTHING wrong and you are just unwilling/unable to be a big enough person to open your heart to an innocent child. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't be a step-mother.

I love my bf's son and I treat him well. I really don't know where you are getting the idea that I would treat him as somehow "less than."

Also, I do think adults need to think about "what's in it for me" in any situation. And I have found many joys in helping to raise this child. I just don't think it's healthy for a child to become the center of their parents' attention all the time. That's not how the world works.

So you need to do some honest self evaluation and if you decide you are not a big enough person to do that, that is OK. Everyone 100% has a right to choose what level of effort they are willing to put into a relationship or raising someone else's child, but if you can't do it well or don't really want to do it or only do it a 'little bit' when you're in the mood for it, then don't do it. But you should also be thinking of the child here and if you do some deep self searching and feel you will resent it or will want to 'split' the parenting duties such that your own level of effort gives your children full attention/resources while you try to avoid caring for his son because you feel your BF should be doing it and not you, then don't do it.

Again, I am willing to split parenting duties, but not take them all over.

I have been dating a man with a 2 and 1/2 year-old son for about 1 year. I have no children of my own, and was also married before.

 

The concern is, I don't want to be a step-mom. I love my bf's son, and he loves me too, and I help with his care a good amount. I don't want to be a "replacement mom" and I just can't seem to shake the feeling that it's not going to be easy, that I'm setting myself up for years of hardship and heartache if I continue with this relationship. .

If you don't want to be a step-mom, then clearly this relationship is NOT for you and it won't work. Ever. They are a package deal and if you don't want it, then do the right thing and leave, as it is very unfair to both your boyfriend AND the child. They deserve someone who accepts them BOTH. You cannot have one without the other, so you pretty much have your answer. You say you don't want to deal with the complications and challenges of relationships? In that case, even more reason to end this - maybe the sooner the better as you'll probably never really be happy with the situation, so there really is no point in carrying on with it.

As I said . If you can not do it leave now. I understand what it means to be a stepmother my mother was one to 2 different sets of children. One set that I lived with as well. Believe me I understand blended families.

 

I also understand being a mother I have been one for almost 16 years.

 

If you don't want to be the primary giver to a child that is not yours don't be in a relationship with somebody that has a child. If you had your own child with him that disparity would become very clear. You would be setting up those children to not like each other and one child feel less valuable.

 

Really if you think you can't hack it it's time to get out and move on.

Living with a step-mother (your mother) is not the same as being a step-mother. Also, being a step-mother is different from being a mother, of course with lots of the same normal issues to navigate, but with added unique challenges.

Right now, I don't want to be the primary caregiver, but I am happy to be the secondary caregiver. I'm not sure if my earlier post made that nuance clear. I don't think it's right for my bf to expect me to take over the majority of his son's care- that's not fair to this boy either. Doesn't he deserve to have his own father provide the greater amount of his care?

If in the future my bf and I decide to marry and have children, I have no intention of treating his son differently from our shared children. We're not in the situation now though. There is only one child, it is his son, and he should provide much of his care right now. That is his responsibility as a parent. Again, I am happy to be the secondary caregiver.

I don't think it's about being able to "hack it." Step-parenting is not for everyone. It may or may not be for me- that's what I'm trying to figure out.

Keep in mind that it's because I love this boy that I am thinking all this through. If we marry, I plan to give both of them my all. I'm already pretty close to doing that- I'm at 95%. Marriage and creating a step-family is a huge commitment. In hindsight, perhaps we should not have moved in together, but that decision was made in the past, and all I can do now is make the best decision now, because I can't change the past.

The thing is is you you don't have all of the time the world to decide if you can hack it. This is a child's life we are talking about. What if another year down the road you decide this is not for you? Imagine how much more devastated he is going to be then. He already lost his first family he doesn't need to lose another one. So make your decision quickly.

Being that I've lived in a blended family for 22 years I probably know something about it.

If you don't want to be a step-mom, then clearly this relationship is NOT for you and it won't work. Ever. They are a package deal and if you don't want it, then do the right thing and leave, as it is very unfair to both your boyfriend AND the child. They deserve someone who accepts them BOTH. You cannot have one without the other, so you pretty much have your answer. You say you don't want to deal with the complications and challenges of relationships? In that case, even more reason to end this - maybe the sooner the better as you'll probably never really be happy with the situation, so there really is no point in carrying on with it.

The more I think about it, I probably should have written "I don't know if I want to be a step-mom." You are absolutely right. They are a package deal, so is the ex even, if you think about it, since she is the mother.

I said there's a part or side of me that sometimes thinks I don't want to deal with the complications and challenges of relationships. I suppose I could go with your suggestion and end every relationship when it gets hard or complicated. That doesn't seem healthy though. That seems avoidant. But it's something to think about, nonetheless.

Yes the boy's mother will be there forever. One day he will graduate from high school ,he might graduate from University and might get married, he might have kids. His mother will be there for all of that. His mother will be a big part of those days. You have to decide if you can deal with that. Even though I am 46 and my brother is 43 our father is still in our mother's life because we have children of our own now. He was there for our weddings, he was there for kids to be born, he was there for baptisms all of those kinds of things. Her life and your life are always going to intersect.