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Thread: Dating a 30 year-old virgin?

  1. #1
    nienne
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    Dating a 30 year-old virgin?

    So I just started dating a 30 year-old virgin and for some reason, it's bothering me. I've mostly been celibate the last year, other than one month-long relationship, but the virgin ship sailed for me a LONG time ago. I've also got a little bit of a promiscuous past. My number is greater than ten, and I guess I feel like that's not comparable to what he needs. I also feel like he's partly dating me because he just wants to lose it and get it over with. He brought the whole virgin thing up, and made a point to tell me he was interested in sex. And when he flirts with me now he makes a lot of suggestive comments. Another problem is, when I have sex now I want it to MEAN something. I want to have established a caring relationship that has a future. I've done the casual sex thing and I'm over it. We just started dating and I really would prefer for him to be trying to get to know me, instead of giving me a play-by-play of what he's having for dinner and then asking me what I sleep in.

    Opinions on the situation? Am I asking too much here? Does it sound like we're even compatible?

  2. #2
    Mike414
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    Numbers shouldn't matter. I honestly never got the whole experience thing. I don't think having sex is so complicated that someone becomes significantly better at it with more experience. Not to mention that what pleases one will not necessarily please another.

    With that said, why did you start a relationship with this guy if you have so many doubts? Most guys have sex on their mind no matter if they slept with zero or 1000 women. Part of successful flirting is being sexual. Now if that is all he does then sure talk to him about it and if he doesn't seem interested in anything else then leave. One sure fire way to find out what he is interested in is to refrain from sleeping with him for a while.

  3. #3
    Clio
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    It sounds that you are afraid that he is only in it for the sex. I suggest you discuss this with him and clarify this. Is he interested only for the sex part? Be honest to him about what you want and what tou fear. Tell him what you wrote here. Honest communication is paramount in a caring relationship. How many dates have you had with him? Could it be that he engages in superficial talk because he doesn't know what else to say? After all it sounds that he has never been in a relationship, let alone a caring one! How about YOU try to get to know him? Ask him what he is passionate about, share your hobbies and interests, do whatever getting to know someone means to you. Given that you are the one who has been in a relationship and he hasn't you need to take the lead. And of course no need to have sex before you are ready!

  4. #4
    zep
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    I dont think its about the "number" that matters but there is definitely something suspect about why it hasn't happened yet. Whats the reason? Why hasn't he gotten close to another women in the last 10 years? It sounds like he's trying to sleep with you ASAP so it seems really suspect it hasn't already happened with someone else. He's obviously not waiting to be in love or waiting for religious reasons. Are you the first women he's tried to date? Why wasn't he dating before? If he was dating, what did all those women see that you aren't seeing yet that made them not want to sleep with him?

  5. #5
    abitbroken
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    Why don't you tell him that while you appreciate he is interested in sex, you are only going to have sex with someone you are in a committed relationship with and the time is right. If he is looking to lose his virginity quick, then he can look elsewhere. If he is willing to wait to see if your dating turns into a longer relationship, then perhaps. Tell him you just want to get to know him better. Steer the conversation back and go on dates that don't imply sex.

    There could be a million reasons why he is a virgin. I was awkward in high school and concentrated on my studies in college and was in a field where there were not as many eligible men, so I did not have my first sexual experience very early either.

    I agree that if the dating stays at this pace, he might not be for you. But just talk to him.

  6. #6
    sara-pezzini
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    why is it that when someone here makes a thread about being a virgin at a later age they always get the, it won't matter speech and then when someone dates a virgin at a later age they get the, it is suspicious kind of crap????
    i was a virgin till 36, my brother was a virgin till he was 33, i am in a long term, committed relationship now, and believe me, experience wise i caught up, have done more stuff than some people who lost virginity young and has multiple partners...and my brother is now married and has a child.
    we were both simply shy and there were not a lot of opportunities.
    i wish people would just stop judging virgins...

  7. #7
    termus123
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    If he just wants to lose his virginity he could hire a escort. Fact is, if he spent more than say $300 on you and invested time + effort then he probably doesn't want you just for sex and actually likes you.

  8. #8
    zep
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    Quote Originally Posted by sara-pezzini [Register to see the link]
    why is it that when someone here makes a thread about being a virgin at a later age they always get the, it won't matter speech and then when someone dates a virgin at a later age they get the, it is suspicious kind of crap????
    i was a virgin till 36, my brother was a virgin till he was 33, i am in a long term, committed relationship now, and believe me, experience wise i caught up, have done more stuff than some people who lost virginity young and has multiple partners...and my brother is now married and has a child.
    we were both simply shy and there were not a lot of opportunities.
    i wish people would just stop judging virgins...
    Well, not everyone is into shyness and life is what you make it opportunity wise. I dont have a lot of patience for people who don't seize life and create their own opprortunities (I'm the kind of person who imigrated to another country for a better job market though, so I'm more on the extreme) and I find shyness to be a huge turn-off. So, it seems that sometimes the judgements are accurate. But of course not everyone cares about those things. It's silly to expect everyone not to care about things like assertiveness and outgoingness (which I agree are common reasons why people are virgins late in life). Those are major personality traits that have implications far beyond how much sexual experience someone has. And if someone just has had a low libido and didn't really care that they didnt have a sex life.... well that wouldn't be a match either.
    Last edited by zep; 02-21-2013 at 07:14 AM.

  9. #9
    Dougie_D
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    Quote Originally Posted by termus123 [Register to see the link]
    If he just wants to lose his virginity he could hire a escort. Fact is, if he spent more than say $300 on you and invested time + effort then he probably doesn't want you just for sex and actually likes you.
    First off, people who are virgins who haven't had many opportunities to have sex won't want to "buy" it. Why? Because they still have HOPE and the feeling of not being worthless. I'm a virgin who's never ever kissed a girl. Not because I don't want it, because I've never been in a situation or opportunity for it to happen. I went on a "date" and spent over 300 dollars. Yes, I liked her for sure but it didn't mean I didn't or would have loved to have sex with her.

    For the original poster, I'm probably the best person to talk to about this. I'm a 32 year old male virgin. Never been in any type of relationship. It's NOT because I'm waiting. Girls apparently don't like me. And honestly, when a guy says he's a VIRGIN to a girl he likes it's a defense mechanism. Meaning that something went down that made the guy feel like "he had no shot with you". So he'll tell you hes a virgin and he hopes for a "pity party" or "that doesn't matter, I still like you".. Chances are he'll think you will give him a "pity party" answer or just IGNORE the fact. If you tell him "that doesn't matter" he will get happy but will still act strange. Imagine that all your life you are told you are a beautiful wonderful person and all of a sudden, someone says you're ugly. That one thing will crush your spirit or rise to the top. At this age, being 30 and up, society has made it the norm that one person has had sex. So the feeling for a MALE virgin especially is.."I know I'm going to be bad in bed and most girls want experience" and "I hope I don't run her off" ... Personally, everyone says that you should NOT tell a girl you are a virgin until after the fact but men are actually quite emotional about this.

    The question is that you have to answer is: Do you want to marry this guy or just date him and feel him out?

    I will tell you, from my point of view... I want SEX. and I want a RELATIONSHIP. but I won't sleep with anyone. There is still an emotional part. BUT if a girl that I like uses me for sex ( almost like a sex buddy) than I would be happy. But if we start "dating" I still would want sex. I won't leave her unless I feel like I would be a douche (saying after my sexual/relationship, it gives me confidence to hook up with a girl)

    Now, in his mind --- or at least my mind --- he's not looking to get married (at least not right away..maybe after 2 years) I don't know him, but if he's never been or few relationships, he might still want to "play the game". Remember, he's probably had a few guy friends that has always "bragged" about laying women. In his mind, he has always wished that. If you guys have sex, the first week or two would be all about sexual things.

    Now, this is very important: If HE makes a move and you don't want to have sex: Just go as far as you want and stop it.. but make sure you say "We are taking this RELATIONSHIP too fast, lets take it slow and I'll MAKE IT RIGHT FOR YOU."

    If YOU make the first move, he will probably like it and freak out at same time. And make sure to tell him "I'M READY, JUST GO WITH IT".

    Any you mention you want sex to "mean" something. Trust me, it will mean something to him. NO ONE FORGETS their first.

    Again, I don't know his "experience" level, but you are basically in control. Just don't break his heart. If you really like him, the virgin part shouldn't matter. Don't freak.
    Last edited by Dougie_D; 02-21-2013 at 07:51 AM.

  10. #10
    Dougie_D
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    Oh and for people saying Virgins are shy...that' BS. I have tons of friends that are shyer than me when talking to strangers. I can talk to any girl..but getting them to find me attracted is a different story. It only takes 5 minutes to decide if a woman wants to sleep with a guy or not. I'm not an attractive man and it sucks. I can hold a great conversation but girls like to use me.

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