my wife is pregnant from an affair...

My wife told me she had slept with another man last summer. I was upset of course but i accepted the truth about until i found out that they became friends on facebook. We had been having problems leading up to this point and she had been having some issues. She left and got a place her own of her own in september. We have been together for 17 years and have three children together. She resumed her relationship with the man she had told me about in in the summer. I got temporary custody of our children and she received after school visitation with no overnights. In december i made an effort to reconcile and she told me she was pregnant and in love with this OM. I had a vasectomy after our last child and i am sure that it is not mine!!! I am not so sure that she wanted did not want to get pregnant. In january she stated that she still loved me and wants to work this out and we have been to counseling twice.(she also was convicted of a dui in jan) She has had no contact with the OM for 2 weeks but i am sure he is wanting to be involved with this child. I love my wife and don't want our kids to have a broken home. How do we tell them that their mother is pregnant from another man? I am mainly contemplating this for our children. If OM gets courts involved will this child carry his name? A baby from this affair is enough but this OM being involved has me concerned for the long term. Should I try to make our marriage work or is it damaged beyond repair?If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?

If you two do give this a go then I really don't see what choice you have but to just

tell the truth.

firstly the OM has every right to see his child and be involved for the rest of his life.

If he seems like he doesn't and you all carry on like the baby is yours , there is always always the chance he could come looking at a later date.

I would doubt it very very much if he would ever agree to let you adopt .

and what about the child ...who has every right to know where he/she came from , roots , medical background ...ethics !

at some point this , I assure you will come out ...tell your children the truth ....if you decide to get back together .

If you want to work this out with your wife then make sure you do it because you want to get back with her, do not do it for the children. There are a lot of what ifs in this situation and at this point there is only speculation. I think that you need to examine what you own feelings are on the situation and whether you want to reconcile with your wife i.e. work on the issues you previously had and those you are currently facing.

IMO, this is damaged beyond repair. She has shown a pattern of dangerous (DUI) and erratic behavior. Based off what you say here it may be healthiest for your children if the two of you are not together. Just focus on making sure they are safe,happy, and healthy. The age of your children will determine how you should talk to them about what is going on. One thing to NOT do (and it doesn't sound like you would) is to bad mouth their mom.

I would contact a child therapist and ask them some questions about how to handle this.

Wow, that's a tough situation and I can't imagine how this is affecting you, and your children. I wouldn't make any rash decisions at this time, however I would seek the advice of an attorney in regards to your legal rights.

All the best...

She had a affair and got prego .... You need to walk away from that dude

she has been staying at our home the last few weeks . she still has her place though. she has not had contact with other man but he did send her a letter stating his intentions to be involved with this child. I feel this is her mess to clean up(pregnancy) being that when i had my V i took the pregnancy rider off of our insurance. I am not sure how this is going to affect our kids (6,10) when they find out that mom is pregnant with their brother or sister but i am not the bio-father.

You don't want your kids to have a broken home? They already have a broken home. Their mom had an affair, moved out, got pregnant from this man, drove drunk, and now wants to get back with their dad. It can't get any more broken.

You need to give your kids the stability their mother can't seem to give them. Let her go through whatever she needs to do. But you be there for your kids and show them your inner strength and that they are a priority to you.

In all fairness i did ask her to leave when i found she befriended this OM on Facebook. The children asked me daily for us to get back together which we at least are staying under the same roof. As i said earlier though, i am worried about the damage to the children of finding out she is pregnant from OM and not me!!!

In all fairness i did ask her to leave when i found she befriended this OM on Facebook. The children asked me daily for us to get back together which we at least are staying under the same roof. As i said earlier though, i am worried about the damage to the children of finding out she is pregnant from OM and not me!!!

How old are your children?

6 and 10 moontiger

Ok, so they are old enough to understand a little bit of what is going on. I'll try to find some resources for you and post them here.

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I'm not sure the best way to discuss the new baby that is coming. I highly suggest contacting a children's therapist. They should be able to guide you in that.

So you asked her leave from the befriending of him instead of going to counseling before anything happened besides Facebook talk?

Anyways, that being said:

1) Find out what the laws in your state are. In some states, the husband is the legal father of all children conceived during the marriage even if the wife had an affair. Its just a couple states, but check it out.

2) I know the children are begging you guys to get back together. I think you should go to counseling together to figure out what to say to the kids or how to transition this. I think its dangerous to show the kids that they can get their way by begging. I think you need to have the talk to them that this has nothing to do with their behavior, etc, or how good or bad they have been.

3) The only way to reconcile is if the father signs off rights (or not) and she doesn't see him again and works on your marriage and YOU believe her. But do not do this because the kids beg you too. I feel she wants to reconcile, however, because she just doesn't want to go through a messy divorce. The other man maybe can't or doesn't want to provide for her.

4) If you decide to walk away, I would not blame you. Adultery is grounds for divorce in just about any faith. She clearly didn't have one drunken evening where she was blacked out. This was a deliberate affair.

5) Your kids are #1 in your priority right now. And you will not, no matter what, badmouth about this new child. He/she is their sibling whether they are raised together or not.

she told me that she had slept with him and then i saw she befriended him on facebook. I then asked her to leave.

Here is another good website that might help you removed[/i]

moontiger, our children are 10 boy, girl 6.

Ya, I understand. All of those website discuss how the age of you children effects what you tell them and how.

I think things will be easier in the long run if they are told now that their new brother or sister is their half sibling than by finding out later when it is told to them in anger, a helpful "friend" on the playground says something or they put two and two together later and feel that they were lied to and wonder what else in their life isn't true. Obviously its so much easier if your wife had left you and time had passed before getting pregnant. I think that you should be united with their mother about how this will be explained with probably a lot of help from a counselor that specializes in kids

I guess my real issue is whether we should stay together or not... I do love her. I am not sure this can be fixed

Use your love for your children to make the best of the situation. You and your wife need to be separated. The marriage will not work at this point. Try not to involve yourself in the child that she has with the other man.

Work for legal separation. If the other child somehow becomes a part of your life, remember that it is the child of the woman that you fell in love with. Just do not go out of your way to take the child that is not yours.

I feel that you will be able to handle the situation as it progresses. Sadly, I believe that you must move past the marriage that you had.

I agree with what everyonesays about getting some guidance regarding telling them ..

the 6 yr old ..well 6 isn't old enough to know " how the baby got there" ..and 10 years old they are just learning "how the baby got there" , so you really need some help to deliver this ...

are you in the uk ?

relate are awesome ...they have specific family councilling .

I think this is going to be quite some journey , I am sorry .

i am accross the pond shooting star i think the twins (both 10) will have the hardest time with this

Wow. I hope you toss that skank out.

I think the children should be talked with by a therapist who deals with this, yes.

I would keep the children away from skanks love child though. It's not a sibling.

Definitely take her to the cleaners and get full custody. Air all the dirty laundry and take what's yours. She can enjoy single motherhood with as little of your money as possible.

I have a serious question. And it's not meant to be anything other than a factual question.

Is your wife in any state of mind to bring a child into the world? She already has children, and she is having trouble considering those. She is pregnant but got a DUI. She has put that fetus at risk already. And the mother of her existing children at risk.

What about an abortion. Has this been discussed.

Whether or not she carries this pregnancy to term, I would not stay with this woman. She puts too much choas into your children's lives. That is just my opinion. She's not being a good wife or mother right now. So I would be looking to protect your kids from her, and yourself, taking whatever measures are necessary.

The first thing I thought of when I read your post was how destructive this woman is. She's willing to risk the health and safety of everyone - why. What is wrong with her? Seriously. Is she mentally unstable? Does she have an addiction? What is her issue?

I think the one point that everyone is missing because they are so taken a back by the audacity of the wifes actions is the OP has stated he loves his wife and wants to work it out.

Thats his choice, and it may not be one any of us agree with, but its still what he wants.

So to answer the question of how best to deal with all this. You need to speak to a lot of professionals, legal and counseling wise. I assure you the kids will love the baby once it gets here no matter what.