Girlfriend is asking me to do something I am not in agreement with...

I have been dating a girl for four months (exclusive for the last 2 months). She is not a big drinker...has a glass of wine or two on special occasions. On our first date we met for drinks (met her online). She had coffee, I had a couple beers. Second date was dinner. Same thing..she had soda/coffee, I had a couple beers. She told me a month into our dating that she was in a relationship with a guy who she considered to have become an alchololic while they were together. She told me at that point she wasn't sure she could continue with this (her and I) because I like to have a few beers at times. My max during a week is 10 and that is high. I never have more than 4 beers at one time and if I have four, its over a long period of time (one per hour).

After this issue was discussed, she basically accepted the fact I like to have a few beers sometimes. Now, three months later...we are much closer. See other a lot, talk about future plans, etc. Now, she is asking me not to have more then 2 beers at one setting (no more then 2 per day). I am very nicely letting her know this is not acceptable to me. I have a lot of self-control and I know how many i can have without getting into a danger zone of alchohol consumption.

I don't like having someone come into my life as I am approcahing the age of 40 years old and having her tell me what to do or having her try to change my ways. I care a lot about her. I am very compassionate with her. Our commuication is wonderful and I treat her very well. I just can't have her try to change me to suit her request which is basically because we both have totally different viewpoints of alcholol. I don;t see alcholol as a problem, if done in moderation and it does not effect relationships, carrers, etc.

She can't believe I won't do this for her.

Sounds like this is a deal breaker for you -- and would be a constant source of anxiety for her. Sadly, time to move on. Not compatible. She is putting emotional baggage from her past on you, and that isn't fair.

I don't think that's fair of her to ask you to limit your consumption, especially since it's not excessive, and it hasn't been a problem with you. She knew you liked to have a couple of drinks every now and then so she should have decided then to accept it or not. You are not her ex.

I wouldn't tolerate someone trying to change me either. If they were truly concerned about me or my health then of course I'd listen, but it sounds like you're a moderate drinker, without any addiction issues. I think she's transferring her fears from her past relationship on to you. Did she give you any other reason?

I think unfortunately you're going to have to part ways. I've been in a similar position and while I appreciate what others have been through, I also expect them to have the ability to discern I am not their past. Easier said than done, of course.

I once was with a girl like this. If she was in the mood to drink it was fine, if we were out with others and she wasn't and I was, then of course I was an alchoholic.

MATCHING LIFESTYLES - is one of the primary keys to ANY relationship. You need to be compatible. This is an issue to her that is probably deep and its not going to go away.

Honestly my boyfriend probably has a bottle of beer when he gets home, and 4/5 pints if he goes out. It doesn't bother me. He doesn't rely on it. He can go without it if we don't have it in the house

I would hate to be told how much to drink. You don't sound like an alcoholic at all.

I don't think that's fair of her to ask you to limit your consumption, especially since it's not excessive, and it hasn't been a problem with you. She knew you liked to have a couple of drinks every now and then so she should have decided then to accept it or not. You are not her ex.

 

I wouldn't tolerate someone trying to change me either. If they were truly concerned about me or my health then of course I'd listen, but it sounds like you're a moderate drinker, without any addiction issues. I think she's transferring her fears from her past relationship on to you. Did she give you any other reason?

She did not give me any other reason. We are planning to table this issue for a couple days, so we can both think about and try to enjoy V-Day together and plans we have for tomorrow night. We are going to chat again on Saturday.

I am going to use your advice and tell her in a polite manner....that it is not fair for her to try to limit my consumption (especially since its not excessive) and it isn't a problem for me. And that i am not her ex and I shouldn't be punished for something he did. I am going to tell her I love her and I hope she can overcome this issue in order to have everything we have together.

She thinks because I won't agree to her request that I have a problem with alcholol, that because I became defensive...I'm addicted.

She thinks because I won't agree to her request that I have a problem with alcholol, that because I became defensive...I'm addicted.

Tell her that you had an ex who always tried controlling you, and whenever you stood up for yourself she tried turning it back on you.

The question she wants me to answer is: Why do you need to have more than 2 drinks in one setting?

My responses have been...

I like the taste of beer.

It relaxes me.

I have enough self-control that I can have up to 4 without induldging in more .

Plus, there is the social end of it...thats what I do with friends...

I can see where she is coming from...

She is probably thinking how easily it can escalate and the sooner it gets slowed down, the better. I am forever going to be affected by alcohol because of my ex who was an alcoholic. She must be in a similiar situation. Do you know more about the ex other than her thinking he was an alcoholic? What level are we talking about here...

She's probably at the same spot I am, we can't realize why a drink would be any kind of deal breaker for a relationship.

I don't think it's the drink that becomes a deal breaker, but rather the mentality that makes it about "me versus drinking".

I have a close friend who is this way with her now husband. He definitely enjoys drinking more than she does -- she rarely drinks, but on the rare occassions that she does, sometimes she'll have quite a few.

She is constantly "on him" about his drinking, to the point where - I recently went out for a couples dinner with her - my boyfriend and I ordered cocktails, and he looked at her to see if he was "allowed" to follow suit. It actually makes me lose respect for BOTH of them. Her - for being so unreasonably controlling, and him - for allowing her to do it. This is all about her need to "dominate" in order to correct for an insecurity -- not the basis of a healthy relationship. I'd stand my ground.

I would respond with, "because I want to." It's clearly not a NEED with you, as it isn't for most people.

She asked you to cut it down and you have every right to say no. It would be one thing if you were a belligerent drinker or something, but since it's her discomfort with it, then that's her issue to work out. I could understand it more if you became disrespectful or flirty with other women while drinking, but not if her only reason is because of her ex. Those are her demons to deal with and you're right that you shouldn't be punished for it.

I think your approach is wise - tell her you love her, but that it is isn't fair for her to try and place limits on your behaviour which is not even problematic behaviour.

The question she wants me to answer is: Why do you need to have more than 2 drinks in one setting?

 

 

My responses have been...

 

I like the taste of beer.

 

It relaxes me.

 

I have enough self-control that I can have up to 4 without induldging in more .

 

Plus, there is the social end of it...thats what I do with friends...

 

Tell her you love her, but that it is isn't fair for her to try and place limits on your behaviour which is not even problematic behaviour.

I LOVE that! Will use it, indeed. Thanks!

I have lived with two different alcoholics - both siblings so I have seen and experienced how devastating alcohol can be on someone's life. My sister has since managed to get her life together, while my brother still gets drunk every night and doesn't take care of his kids.

That said, my husband is from Scotland and theres is a culture that likes their beer and social drinking. When we go out I have seen him consume upwards of almost 20 drinks in a night. His average when we go out with friends is 6-12.

However, we don't go out all the time and if it is just a night out for dinner than he rarely has more than 2 or 3.

I could go one of two ways when it comes to this: He knows my past and he knows how affected I have been by alcoholism (I was attacked by my brother when he was drunk) so I COULD demand that he stop drinking on social occasions because I fear the effects of alcohol.

I could try to behave that way, but I don't because I know it's not that simple. My brother and my sister were alcoholics. They NEEDED to drink.

My husband does not need to drink. When we go out, he wants to and that's fine. If I said to him "could you drive tonight" or "I would appreciate it if you did not drink tonight" he would be fine with that.

I drink occasionally myself, though him more often than me.

I think your girlfriend right now is having trouble distinguishing NEED from WANT.

I would stand firm on this - not because alcohol "means so much to you" but because you can't allow her past relationships to control this one. If she asks you why it is so important that you be able to have a few drinks socially tell her the truth - because you enjoy it, because you are not her ex, because you don't NEED it and because you don't wish to be told how to live your life.

Ultimately this is her issue to get over. You can only do so much without compromising who you are.

This isn't just about how much you drink - it is about her projecting her ex's behaviour on to you and assuming you will be the same. Tell her that you are not her ex and that you will not allow her to dictate your behaviour especially when it is based on what he did or didn't do.

I would stand firm on this - not because alcohol "means so much to you" but because you can't allow her past relationships to control this one. If she asks you why it is so important that you be able to have a few drinks socially tell her the truth - because you enjoy it, because you are not her ex, because you don't NEED it and because you don't wish to be told how to live your life.

 

Ultimately this is her issue to get over. You can only do so much without compromising who you are.

AWESOME advise...thank you! I am sorry about your previous situation

I've been married to an alcoholic, so I know how it can make you leery of other people's alcohol consumption. But it doesn't sound like you are an alcoholic. This is not your issue and she needs to find a way around it. I wouldn't recommend conceding.

AWESOME advise...thank you! I am sorry about your previous situation

No problem - and as you can see from my user pic, my husband does drink socially and that's fine (he is holding a beer there lol).

It is all about finding a compromise. She needs to be willing to concede that her issues are coming into play here.

Oh geez, I did that to my current husband.

My late husband drank himself to death ten years ago and I am hyper-vigilant about alcoholism! So when I was dating my current husband, I asked him to bear with me as I got over the trauma and fear of it happening again.

He worked overseas for awhile and drank almost every night while he was there. When he came back, there were several nights when he called me up drunk. He was going through a depression of sorts. Anyway, I asked him to cut down, and he did tell me "I'm not Dale." OMG that pissed me off! I remember saying "I KNOW you are not Dale because Dale is dead and his ashes are on the mantle for crying out loud."

But he respected my fears. He reassured me. And for the first two years that he lived here, he watched his consumption so that I would grow to trust him and heal on my own time.

It's been eight years since he moved in and five since we married. We actually love to have a drink after work and it's a daily tradition to hit a liquor store and buy one bottle of german beer and one bottle of Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade so that we can sit and relax. The kids mock us and call us alcoholics, but I really enjoy having that nightly drink.

We got to this place because my husband understood my fears and helped me overcome them. He gave me time to trust him. I agree with you that four beers is not a problem, but she's scared - and she has good reason to be scared, based on her prior experience. Help her understand you better by being kind and having compassion, and everything will work out.

Do you HAVE to have 2-3 beers? She may be worried that this is not occasional because it seems you ALWAYS have 2-3 beers when you see her. Its not like it happened just once or in a certain setting. If you can never go out for coffee and have coffee at a place that is known for coffee...but must have beer all the time...etc, then its a neccessity to you. Especially if you can't feel relaxed without it. Seriously, if a guy never could switch things up and have something else so early on in the relationship, I wonder what he would be like when he let his hair down.

Also, if beers "relax" you - do you have other ways that relax you.

She didn't say on the first date that it bothered her because she wanted to see if this was just something you did on occasion or a "have to."

Honestly, a beer with dinner is one thing. Having a couple beers at a party or reception maybe is another...but having 2-3 just at dinner? Are you telling this woman you need beer goggles to go out with her?