I can't keep friends! What is wrong with me?

As far back as I can remember, I have always had issues with keeping friends. In grade school I had 'best friends' friendships which lasted a few months at most. in high school I had friendships for 6-12 months but I always got ditched for other girls. Now i find that I make friendships with girls but over time they make contact less and less until it's just me and it starts feeling one sided so I also stop. I ask them if i have done something wrong but i always get the same excuse "I'm busy with work, boyfriend etc etc". I am by no means a needy person. I'm quite independent and enjoy doing things on my own. I've had a few long term relationships and wasnt one of those girls who always got dumped (i've broken up with most of my bfs). So it's obviously not a hygiene issue (just thought i would put it out there). I don't have a giant ego, i'm not a bragger, as far as I know I'm not boring. The only thing I can imagine is that when you first meet me I can give off awkward body language, I ask too many questions when meeting people as I hate small talk (this could also be an issue). i think I'm of average intelligence & quite easy going and love to laugh.

So my question is: You meet someone (at work, at a gathering whatever) start chatting, meet up for a drink - What can this person do that will make you not want to meet up and be friends?

Just been meeting the wrong types of people. Make friends with them and then leave them to it.Let them contact you.accept that this is what happens in friendships esp in todays fast moving instant gratification society. People can drop and make friends so easily now. Focus on yourself and hobbies. You WILL meet great people to connect to.good luck smelly(only joking

I hate small talk too and I'm very independent. And I totally understand the disappearing friend thing.

I am beginning to think that small talk the glue that holds most friendships together. Most people don't want to get right into it. They don't want to share their soul. They really only want to share what they had for lunch that day. (Facebook proves that.) And it puts a lot of people off when you don't care about that stuff. They feel put off because you aren't reacting in a socially acceptable way. I think I often come off as a bit intense because I'll bypass the small talk and get to the point. I feel like I'm doing them a favor and I think they feel like I'm skipping over the part that puts them at ease with others.

I have learned over time to make small talk. I still don't enjoy it. There's one person who I only discuss the weather with and he looks forward to those conversations. I don't, but it's the price I pay to fit in.

I guess you have to think about the kind of friendships you want and if you can tolerate some that are just lightness and fluff. And if you can, you have to practice the lightness and fluff - it won't come easy.

Being independent is the biggest issue when it comes to maintaining friendships with girls.

Females are extremely ****ing needy.

They need to run to the mall to buy socks, they want you to come with... You have plans to go out they want to spend the whole ****ing day with you... Even when you're out, you sure as **** better go home with them because that's when all the bonding occurs.

They even need to be messaged & called @ least once a day.

I strongly believe girls think their BFF is whomever they spend the most time with - even if that friend is toxic.

People get caught up with history.

It's tough, but you gotta keep in reg contact... Be apart of the little things.

I've had a hard time keeping friends, because I like to come/go as I please & they don't like that.

Being independent is the biggest issue when it comes to maintaining friendships with girls.

Females are extremely ****ing needy.

They need to run to the mall to buy socks, they want you to come with... You have plans to go out they want to spend the whole ****ing day with you... Even when you're out, you sure as **** better go home with them because that's when all the bonding occurs.

They even need to be messaged & called @ least once a day.

I strongly believe girls think their BFF is whomever they spend the most time with - even if that friend is toxic.

People get caught up with history.

It's tough, but you gotta keep in reg contact... Be apart of the little things.

I've had a hard time keeping friends, because I like to come/go as I please & they don't like that.

ah ha! a sneak peek into the female friends' psyche.

I've mostly had female friends that prefer to have male friends just for this reason. Guys are usually ok with not talking to our best friend if it's been more than 24 hours. We'll just catch up when we catch up.

ah ha! a sneak peek into the female friends' psyche.

 

I've mostly had female friends that prefer to have male friends just for this reason. Guys are usually ok with not talking to our best friend if it's been more than 24 hours. We'll just catch up when we catch up.

There are a lot of politics in girl world.

Also, girls do NOT support each other the way guys do.

If a guy wants to take time away from the social scene to hit the gym or work overtime, he's received well the second he asks what's up for the weekend.

If a girl tries to do this?

They blacklist her.

What are WE doing this weekend turns into I'M going here, what are YOU doing?

There are a lot of politics in girl world.

Also, girls do NOT support each other the way guys do.

If a guy wants to take time away from the social scene to hit the gym or work overtime, he's received well the second he asks what's up for the weekend.

If a girl tries to do this?

They blacklist her.

What are WE doing this weekend turns into I'M going here, what are YOU doing?

If those are the girls in question, then you're befriending the wrong kind of people. I've never met those kind of girls and made good friends with females. We're not needy though we do like to hang, look for support and give advice, and have fun. That's a healthy, mature friendship. The girls you listed are not.

To the OP, perhaps it's the multiple questions you tend to ask? What kind of questions are they? Theres a girl I mnow that doesn't know personal boundaries and her multiple questions reflect this. But yeah, like others say, practice small talk. To relate, I hate small talk and need to practice on this. I tend to forget to reflect back to them. Like someone would ask me my name, I would forget to ask theirs and I'd remember when I leave. I feel horrible like I was self centered but I'm not good at small talk and prefer a connection. But it's a skill to hone and a necessary one.

Thanks for your responses.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate making small talk. I just hate ONLY making small talk. If I meet someone I first ask about career, background, interests etc. I then ask questions like "What made you choose your career?" "What do and do you not like about your job?" "How did you meet your current partner?" etc etc... Perhaps getting too personal. i find people enjoy talking about themselves but don't ask me those questions so they obviously don't think it's appropriate to ask those things.

I definitely don't invest enough time into female friendships. I have a circle of friends and when we hang out and go to a party or something, they tend to stay in the same place and don't move or mingle. Whereas I do as my boyfriend knows loads of people and I sometimes go with him when he moves around and my friends get offended and say i'm not interested in talking to them and always leave - which is where the issues start and i notice that they dont contact me as often. When I go out with a group of friends I'm always one of the first to leave as I enjoy my alone time and i get exhausted hanging out with people sometimes. I guess this comes from when I was younger.. I moved to a new area and was without friends (except at school) for a good 5+ years. i learnt to entertain myself and never had to compromise and do what others wanted. I still yearned for friends but I guess I learnt how to be independent. My relationship with my bf is something completely different. I can spend days & weeks hanging with him and never get exhausted or need my alone time as we can just be with eachother without needing to 'entertain' one another. I want a friendship like that!

It's not JUST girls that have friendship games and politics. Men play similar games.They are just better at 'switching off' and turning into a 'robot'. So 'boy world' also has issues with friends.So annoying when society thinks that men live in some sort of perfect male friendship utopia.

I totally know what you mean Dion. My Bf's friends let him down quite often and he gets annoyed but he never says something and visa versa. Next time they see eachother they're a little distant to eachoter, next time warmer, then back to normal. no discussion NOTHING! But his friends aren't needy which is suuuper

I understand where your coming from, I feel I have a similar issue where it seemed I always changed friends every few years or something. In highschool I never was apart of a "click" until about jr year, but then after high school we all went our separate ways or some friends got BF's and they stopped talking to anyone all together. I found this very annoying so I stopped talking to them. Then I had a best friend in college and we both got along great, were always joking around and having fun. However, she always had the urge to be popular/attractive and eventually she began to become very superficial and she got a nose job and then a boob job. After this she just became a different person, like shallow and just wanted to impress ******* like guys. I really got tired of this too so we eventually just fell out. Then my next best friend was a pot head and she was not a really good person over all. She hung out with shady people and and slept around a lot. I evetually had a falling out with her because she borrowed money from me and never payed me back, oh and she got a boyfriend that was a total doush bag. Anyways I do have like 2 good friend right now but they are settled down and dont go out a lot, and I feel I still want to go out and be adventurous....Plus I'm newly single so not having like minded friends really sucks!!!! I am 28 and know I should be focusing on the more important things in life like career, self-improvement but I would love to find friends that I can just call on a whim to get a beer or go for a bike ride. I feel maybe I need too much or something.

Whereas I do as my boyfriend knows loads of people and I sometimes go with him when he moves around and my friends get offended and say i'm not interested in talking to them and always leave - which is where the issues start and i notice that they dont contact me as often.

Having a BF is a huge issue as well.

All of the time, love, & attention you give him takes away from what you could be giving them.

Girls are selfish, lol.

You prob spend so much time with your BF that when you get off early on a Friday the 1st thing you want to do is relax - not call your girls for a night out.

Girls tend to click with whomever has the most in common with them, you know?

Usually, the girls have the same "agenda" so to speak.

Whether it's about getting fit or getting drunk, they spend time with whomever wants to be doing what they're doing.

I can get a relationship with a girl like the 1 you're talking about:

A la Sex & the City.

We'll be SO close that we'll actually snuggle, call each other 10x a day, be there for each other when the other finishes class or work, etc.

Having a BFF is a lot like having a BF.

However, BFFs don't laugh... Something eventually changes.

In my case, my BFF moved to a different city.

The 1 before that got engaged.

Just gotta put in the effort & enjoy what you have while you have it.

I kind of agree with laninaperdida. I have problems keeping friends, as well, but I feel like I'm coming at it from a different angle than you. I'm probably more like one of your friends who stops contacting you.

If I had a friend like you, I'd probably assume you didn't want a close friend or weren't that interested in me as a friend and move on, as I've done with some women. It sounds like you go out with friends only to, for lack of a better phrase, shadow your boyfriend (or, at best, meet other people) instead of hang with them...and then leave early without having spent much time with them. Plus, probably all but one of my friends who has had a boyfriend while being my friend all but flatout disappeared on me. So it's to the point where I hear "boyfriend" or "husband" and already think, "Okay, we're never going to be good friends because she's not going to care as much about the friendship as I do." If you're 28 years old, that magnifies my sentiment because you're marriage age, and women seem to get worse about investing in friendship once they're older and/or married. It just seems to me like friendship means more to younger women and single women because they don't have busy "careers" and/or don't have built-in companionship like women with boyfriends or husbands do.

After reading the portion that I quoted from you, to me it's no wonder you can't keep friends. I don't mean that in a mean way. I just feel like I've known women like you, and I have never thought they wanted a really good friend. They just seem content with working, hanging with the man in their lives and relatively little association with other women. You can't make a friendship that just clicks happen, unfortunately...it's something that comes out of nowhere. But you definitely won't find it by not putting more into female friendships.

I've had similar experiences with both girl mates and boy mates. That's fine if you're happy with that set up, but as long as they're not using you, being one sided, standing you up etc in the process..I think we are all needy to some extent. We are all humans with emotional, mental, sexual etc NEEDS. We all go through life with ups and downs. Okay, admittedly there are extremes where someone becomes unhealthily co dependant or stalkerish, but I feel the word needy (created by pop psychology in the 2000’s I think!) is sometimes labelled unfairly and also used by people when they basically cannot be bothered helping another and want to be selfish. It’s funny how when THEY NEED help with an issue they are suddenly more than happy to receive help, yet when another wants it, they are ‘needy’!