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Thread: Girlfriend is asking me to do something I am not in agreement with...

  1. #1
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    Girlfriend is asking me to do something I am not in agreement with...

    I have been dating a girl for four months (exclusive for the last 2 months). She is not a big drinker...has a glass of wine or two on special occasions. On our first date we met for drinks (met her online). She had coffee, I had a couple beers. Second date was dinner. Same thing..she had soda/coffee, I had a couple beers. She told me a month into our dating that she was in a relationship with a guy who she considered to have become an alchololic while they were together. She told me at that point she wasn't sure she could continue with this (her and I) because I like to have a few beers at times. My max during a week is 10 and that is high. I never have more than 4 beers at one time and if I have four, its over a long period of time (one per hour).

    After this issue was discussed, she basically accepted the fact I like to have a few beers sometimes. Now, three months later...we are much closer. See other a lot, talk about future plans, etc. Now, she is asking me not to have more then 2 beers at one setting (no more then 2 per day). I am very nicely letting her know this is not acceptable to me. I have a lot of self-control and I know how many i can have without getting into a danger zone of alchohol consumption.

    I don't like having someone come into my life as I am approcahing the age of 40 years old and having her tell me what to do or having her try to change my ways. I care a lot about her. I am very compassionate with her. Our commuication is wonderful and I treat her very well. I just can't have her try to change me to suit her request which is basically because we both have totally different viewpoints of alcholol. I don;t see alcholol as a problem, if done in moderation and it does not effect relationships, carrers, etc.

    She can't believe I won't do this for her.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    Sounds like this is a deal breaker for you -- and would be a constant source of anxiety for her. Sadly, time to move on. Not compatible. She is putting emotional baggage from her past on you, and that isn't fair.

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    I don't think that's fair of her to ask you to limit your consumption, especially since it's not excessive, and it hasn't been a problem with you. She knew you liked to have a couple of drinks every now and then so she should have decided then to accept it or not. You are not her ex.

    I wouldn't tolerate someone trying to change me either. If they were truly concerned about me or my health then of course I'd listen, but it sounds like you're a moderate drinker, without any addiction issues. I think she's transferring her fears from her past relationship on to you. Did she give you any other reason?

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    I think unfortunately you're going to have to part ways. I've been in a similar position and while I appreciate what others have been through, I also expect them to have the ability to discern I am not their past. Easier said than done, of course.

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    Platinum Member Edmund Exley's Avatar
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    I once was with a girl like this. If she was in the mood to drink it was fine, if we were out with others and she wasn't and I was, then of course I was an alchoholic.

    MATCHING LIFESTYLES - is one of the primary keys to ANY relationship. You need to be compatible. This is an issue to her that is probably deep and its not going to go away.

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    Silver Member SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    Honestly my boyfriend probably has a bottle of beer when he gets home, and 4/5 pints if he goes out. It doesn't bother me. He doesn't rely on it. He can go without it if we don't have it in the house

    I would hate to be told how much to drink. You don't sound like an alcoholic at all.

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    Originally Posted by Kaytie
    I don't think that's fair of her to ask you to limit your consumption, especially since it's not excessive, and it hasn't been a problem with you. She knew you liked to have a couple of drinks every now and then so she should have decided then to accept it or not. You are not her ex.

    I wouldn't tolerate someone trying to change me either. If they were truly concerned about me or my health then of course I'd listen, but it sounds like you're a moderate drinker, without any addiction issues. I think she's transferring her fears from her past relationship on to you. Did she give you any other reason?
    She did not give me any other reason. We are planning to table this issue for a couple days, so we can both think about and try to enjoy V-Day together and plans we have for tomorrow night. We are going to chat again on Saturday.

    I am going to use your advice and tell her in a polite manner....that it is not fair for her to try to limit my consumption (especially since its not excessive) and it isn't a problem for me. And that i am not her ex and I shouldn't be punished for something he did. I am going to tell her I love her and I hope she can overcome this issue in order to have everything we have together.

    She thinks because I won't agree to her request that I have a problem with alcholol, that because I became defensive...I'm addicted.

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    Originally Posted by paperboy48
    She thinks because I won't agree to her request that I have a problem with alcholol, that because I became defensive...I'm addicted.
    Tell her that you had an ex who always tried controlling you, and whenever you stood up for yourself she tried turning it back on you.

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    The question she wants me to answer is: Why do you need to have more than 2 drinks in one setting?


    My responses have been...

    I like the taste of beer.

    It relaxes me.

    I have enough self-control that I can have up to 4 without induldging in more .

    Plus, there is the social end of it...thats what I do with friends...

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    I can see where she is coming from...
    She is probably thinking how easily it can escalate and the sooner it gets slowed down, the better. I am forever going to be affected by alcohol because of my ex who was an alcoholic. She must be in a similiar situation. Do you know more about the ex other than her thinking he was an alcoholic? What level are we talking about here...
    She's probably at the same spot I am, we can't realize why a drink would be any kind of deal breaker for a relationship.

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