Chances of getting back together after ex has fallen out of love?

Long story short: Was dumped by my ex of 5 years (we lived together for 3 of those years). I am going on one month NC this week (would have been longer but we had to iron out logistics of the apartment, which I now live in alone). It's been very hard, as I still love her.

If I had to diagnose why my ex left, based on the number of reasons she gave me, it's a combination of her falling out of love with me and GIGS (grass is greener syndrome). I know she still loves me as a person, and I think there are still some "in love" feelings there that could be used to rekindle things in the future. She knows I'm an amazing catch (her words, her friends' words, and her parents' words), but I think she just got bored of the relationship and wasn't entirely ready to settle down (I'm 28, she's 27). I think we got too comfortable and just ended up taking each other for granted and not doing many special things for each other (which I blame partially on both our hectic careers/school schedules). Also, she is totally willing (and has even encouraged) hanging out as friends, since she enjoys my company...but right now, I'm not down for that at all.

I'm slowly getting to the point where I'm not entirely sure I'd take her back if she ever came back (or I would, but I'd definitely have to really think about it)...but I'm just curious. Has anyone on here ever experienced or know of an ex who left because he/she had fallen out of love come back and try to reconcile? If so, was it NC that did the trick, or was there some contact?

Of course they have, but that doesn't in any way mean you may have the same chance. I've found (and this is only my opinion thats been confirmed by some female friends) that once a girl's emotions are gone, they are gone.

Your second paragraph is full of statements in which you are trying to reason why she will come back. This is normal, but believe me when I tell you it means nothing. You need to let go of this thinking and focus on the only reality that you do know, and that is she has chose to move on from your relationship.

I know. Right now I'm trying to get to the point you speak of...just focusing on the reality that she has left, and that I have no idea what is going on in her mind. I'm focusing on work and school and will be re-joining the gym later this month (too busy now). So I'm trying as hard as I can to stay busy.

The thing is...I KNOW I'm a catch. I have a great career, am educated, good looking...and I know I have what it takes to find someone else. But at the same time, even after all that's happened, I still love her. She was my first love, so I'm not sure I'll ever get over her. I'll have to learn to live with the scars.

No Contact, your best and only bet. Maybe over time (some months) you can try low contact, if both of you care so much you do not want to loose one another.

I know. Right now I'm trying to get to the point you speak of...just focusing on the reality that she has left, and that I have no idea what is going on in her mind. I'm focusing on work and school and will be re-joining the gym later this month (too busy now). So I'm trying as hard as I can to stay busy.

 

The thing is...I KNOW I'm a catch. I have a great career, am educated, good looking...and I know I have what it takes to find someone else. But at the same time, even after all that's happened, I still love her. She was my first love, so I'm not sure I'll ever get over her. I'll have to learn to live with the scars.

Dont look at them as stars, look at them as stripes, earned on the battlefield that is love

Why would you want someone back who had fallen out of love with you? What would make her fall back in love and not fall out again and leave again? I understand you're dealing with the pain and just trying to make sense what happened. Hopefully in time you will see that you are worth being loved and not by your ex and by then you'll realize you've finally moved on.

Thansk Njeanne. This past week was rough...I really wanted to reach out to her and tell her all that I'm feeling. But I'm so glad I stuck to my NC guns. It will be one solid month this coming Monday! I know NC is the only tool that can help me heal while (possibly) making her miss me enough to consider trying again.

And Edmund...I never knew what the Pat Benatar song meant. But now I do, because I've lived it. Love really is a freaking battlefield. And it's a shame too. I honestly don't believe that all is fair in love and war. People may not "owe" you anything...but if you're a decent person, you wouldn't think that.

Huntress, what I'm scared of is this same thing happening again. I know I'll find someone else if my ex never comes back (or does, and I tell her where to go), but I'm not sure I can ever trust another woman. I feel like women make all their decisions behind the scenes, then when they leave, you're like a deer in headlights...it's already too late.

Huntress, what I'm scared of is this same thing happening again. I know I'll find someone else if my ex never comes back (or does, and I tell her where to go), but I'm not sure I can ever trust another woman. I feel like women make all their decisions behind the scenes, then when they leave, you're like a deer in headlights...it's already too late.

If you truly feel this way, you need to consider talking to someone who can help you get over these feelings. As someone who has had his share of love and heartbreak, I assure you this is not true. Sometimes things work out, some times they dont. If that is the impression she has left on you, then you really should consider why you would want her back in the first place.

It's understandable that you feel that way right now but don't let that fear stop you in the future once you are over your ex. No two people are the same and rejection/heartbreak is inevitable when dating. Once you have some dating experience you'll see what you're looking for and what you won't settle for.

I know. I'm going to start seeing a therapist again in a few weeks. I was for a while after the breakup.

I know everyone says "why would you want someone back who left you." It's just that she was a really great person. She pretty much ticked off all of my "boxes." I know there were things we both did wrong in the relationship. I wasn't innocent in her feelings changing, though I did (and right now, still do) believe that our problems could have been mended. I find it very hard to understand how we could be happy for so long and then feelings change and "we're not right for each other." I find it very hard to understand and deal with.

I wouldn't ever just blindly take her back. Not even right now. She has put me (and my family) through too much. But if she were willing to seriously work at it, I would try again. And I guess right now it's hard to kill off any remaining hope of us getting back together because what we had was so special and we were so deeply in love with each other at one point.

I just went and read your previous threads. Here is the issue as I see it, and why she will probably never come back. Everything I read indicates you don't like accepting her choices and you usually sum them up by stating why her choice is wrong. Even in your statement above "But if she were willing to seriously work at it, I would try again" you make it clear that while you are here day after day asking how to get her back, if she were to come back, it would have to be on your terms.

I don't think trust is your issue, I think not being able to believe you are in full control is your issue.

I think you misunderstand. If I wanted her back on "my terms," I would be stalking her right now and doing everything I can to force her to come back to me. That's not at all what I'm doing. Her decision kills me, yet I wished her well with her new life (and I meant it). I am sticking to NC in part because I know she has to come back on her terms if she ever decides to give it another try. I'm not attempting to force her at all. And when I say "seriously work at it," that goes for the both of us, absoutely (as I said above, I know I wasn't innocent in what went down).

Over the years we were together, we definitely both had to give and take. And maybe only towards the end (or now) I'm learning that, even though some things may not be important to me, if they are to my partner, I have to go along for the ride if I truly love this person. I definitely made a lot of concessions for her. Was a I guilty of some things? Of course. Did I have let my guard down a little too much and get too comfortable with her? Definitley.

When I keep saying why her decisions to leave are wrong, it's because I know my worth and I know that I was willing to work on all of these reasons she claim she left. I know I treated her really well. I told her every day how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. While we lived together, we are both in demanding graduate school programs (I work full time and do school), and I think our schedules had a large part in this. Because before we were in school, we spent a lot more quality time together and fought a lot less. Now I know that, in the future, no matter how busy life gets (it ony gets busier), you HAVE to put in the time to maintain a healthy and loving relationship. It's just that I honestly believe all signs point to that she got bored. She felt the relationship had gotten stale, which I agree with, and she slowly fell out of love over the last few months. But I believe the good times outweighed the bad, we were each others' best friend, we "got" each other...I believe what we had could have been mended with work on both our parts. And that's where I think she was wrong to leave, but it may be right for her.

Point is, I was willing to stay and work everything out with her. While there may have been warning signs, some of the reasons she claim she left were never communicated to me. I am not a stubborn person, I am very flexible. Had she been willing to give me time to fix what I was doing wrong, I would have happily done it.

OK, did she give you any reasons why she thought it was best to part? You keep giving speculation of what you think she felt. What were her actual words?

Well, she said what I've already said. That she felt the relationship had gotten "stale," she was bored, her feelings changed.

She also said she felt we "weren't right for each other." And listen...I'm not ignoring any of what she is saying, I can't deny her feelings, and I agree with a lot of what she said. We HAD become stale. Our sex life toward the end was virtually non-existent. I was bored a lot of the time too. She said she felt we weren't right for each other because we didn't have that many things in common and that we wanted different things. But that's not at all the case, and she only said this towards the very end. We are both highly educated and motivated in our careers, both are huge animal lovers, like politics, are quirky, are competitive, have the same taste in movies and TV, etc. And as for what we each wanted, my dreams were not that drastically different than hers, and I don't know why she thinks this.

But here's the thing - we were madly in love with each other for a very long time. So much so that (after 1.5 years of being together) she abandoned her plans to find a new roomate and moved in with me. We had so many amazing times. And the truth is, we really did "get" each other. We're both very quirky and nerdy and have very similar personalities.

When I go back and look at when things started to go downhill, it really all started as we were studying to get into our graduate programs. And as if us both being in school wasn't enough, our schedule were almost completely out-of-sync because I'm a part-time student (and work full time) while she goes full time. She gets a few months off, but as a part-time student, I'm always in school. We were both always tired.

Now I'm sure I sound like I'm rationalizing, and maybe I am. With the exception of her feelings (which I will never really fully know), the facts are what they are. Things started to get bad when our schedules got bad, and we just took each other for granted. But I wanted to stay because school isn't forever. I'm done this May. We both had plans to start the gym again, which would have helped out sex lives (neither of us ever got fat, we eat well, just didnt work out because we're so busy), and I know we would have had more time to focus on each other. I mean, we even adopted and raised two cats together (one of which passed away right after we broke up - how freaking messed up was that?).

I just know we shared a lot together. We had an amazing history together. And we really do "get" each other. As much as she claims she now feels "we weren't right for each other," while I have to respect what she feels, I don't believe this is correct. She didn't feel this way until towards the end, and we have SO MUCH in common while she tries to deny what we have in common. In one of our last face-to-face meetings, she told me "I love you" and I said with a smile "and I know you're still even a little bit in love with me" and she smiled and laughed and said "stop, you're making me nervous!" She always used to say that to be coy in our years together.

Maybe I'm rationalizing, over-analyzying, whatever. I know I have to move on as if I am never going to see her again. But I still believe we were right for each other, and I know we still care deeply about each other (though my "in love" feelings are more strong I guess). I know a woman's feelings are what they are, even if they seem irrational.

Guess all I can do is wait and see.

I read a lot of success stories of someone's feelings change (aka falling out of love) to then return and stay with their partner. Obviously those people never really fell out of love, but after some months their feelings slowly returned because of missing their partner, and realise they are still in love. A drastic change in the relationship can make one partner unhappy to point where they think they fell out of love. It depends on how the relationship ended obviously.

edit; I'm not here to give hope or anything, I'm just saying I read lot of stories. My boyfriend also his feelings changed, but I know it is because I wasn't giving him much attention because of a different activity that kept me busy in evenings and he became unhappy. This might interest you.

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NC is for you too heal, gives her a chance to miss you, if she truelly loved you and cared she might return. (again being realistic, not giving up false hope)

But it is up to you, missing you and wanting to come back are different things.

I lost my bf because of something I done, hell I'm praying every night hoping we get another chance together.

Another person on this forum got back with her boyfriend of seven years, his feelings also changed but him missing her his true feelings came out.

Also might be interesting to read

"I just read a relationship book by a well-known psychologist (Dr. Bonnie Weil). Very interesting! She says that during the first few weeks of a breakup from a VIABLE long-term relationship (one year or longer) where feelings seemed to have changed, the "dumper" feels mostly RELIEF (they've had a difficult decision hanging over their head for some time, but now they've made it and the pressure is off) and GUILT for hurting the "dumpee". To help themselves get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision. THEY NEED TO CONVINCE THEMSELVES OF THIS. If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE. It's only after about two months that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision. This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages."

Lot of people who agree with this logic.

Why would you want someone back who had fallen out of love with you? What would make her fall back in love and not fall out again and leave again? I understand you're dealing with the pain and just trying to make sense what happened. Hopefully in time you will see that you are worth being loved and not by your ex and by then you'll realize you've finally moved on.

Everyone deserves second chance, how can you know for sure it will or won't happen. Most of time when they return you're already over either way, but everyone deserves second chance. You could like say "no, I do not want you back" and for all you know he might have been the person for you to spend rest of life with, and you'd trow away because you never tried. If you give second chance and he/she does it again you can say "well, atleast we tried, time to move on fully not giving third look"

Sometimes a person falls out of love because something changed in the relationship, I know it did in mine and I'm one to blame, my bf fell out of love. If he would come back, well we both made mistake, we both deserve second chance. I can easily say "I am sorry, my fault we broke up, you deserve better" for all I know I could have been the person he wanted in his life forever. >.>

People make mistakes all time, second chances (if not by lying, cheating, abuse or the likes...) are worth to try. Only if both gives 100%

Thank you Njeanne. I know you're not trying to give me false hope, and I am trying to move on as if we are NEVER getting back together. But it's nice to see that it has happened successfully for other people.

I'm going to read those links when I get home, as they are block here at work. I'm looking forward to reading them. And your post also helps reinforce that I need to keep staying in NC...it's going on one month (actually, Valentine's Day, which I'm dreading, marks 1 month full NC since she moved out), and maybe her being alone on Valentine's Day will make her miss me even a little more. I am NOT breaking NC for anything...

You're welcome.

It will be 8 weeks for me in two days, I am ofc not hoping either but it's nice to learn about these things.

It took me 6 weeks to realise what a mistake I did, a stupid activity kept me busy in the evening and therefore payed less attention to him even though kept telling him how much I loved him.

I clearly am at fault, then again I'm inexperienced in relationships and I didn't knew it was going to have such impact.

I would do anything to give us another chance...that activity is long gone...but so is he...

I will have to live with this guilt forever...

Don't beat yourself up Njeanne. You don't and will not have to live with this guilt forever This was a hobby that was obviously very important to you. Your ex should have been understanding enough to let you do your hobby without getting all upset. Obviously, I don't know the specifics of your story, but please don't beat yourself up

I have a different school of thinking. Once you become an ex you stay an ex and trust me healing is a whole lot easier when you do not hold out hope. If it was bad enough to break up imo then what's to say it's going to work again? I've always went by that.

Don't beat yourself up Njeanne. You don't and will not have to live with this guilt forever This was a hobby that was obviously very important to you. Your ex should have been understanding enough to let you do your hobby without getting all upset. Obviously, I don't know the specifics of your story, but please don't beat yourself up

 

Wasn't a hobby, and it wasn't important at all.

 

Me and him were ldr, always playing mmo's together, got interested in wow and while I became more active in it (raiding) and he gradually got bored because he didn't like the game at all he became unhappy because I wouldn't talk to him in the evenings. Me and him were always raiding, but he didn't care a damn about wow so he didn't and quit it, waiting for me in evenings to finish. If I told him let's go back to rift, mmo we first met at we would've still been together. While I was raiding in wow, he had no other game to play so he associated our relationship as being unhappy because I wasn't paying attention too him.

 

I did ask him one day if I should quit and he said no, he never gave me real reason why he did so I think he doesn't know he fell out of love because of this, only that his feelings changed.

I quit wow after the break up either way, but it took me six weeks to realise it... I took his love for granted, giving him less attention.

 

I still hope his feelings are still there, just underneath the pain. *cries* So, ye I will live with this guilt forever because he was so perfect.

I have a different school of thinking. Once you become an ex you stay an ex and trust me healing is a whole lot easier when you do not hold out hope. If it was bad enough to break up imo then what's to say it's going to work again? I've always went by that.

So you are saying people who break up should never get back together? How about those people go get back together, got married and have children?

I do not agree with that logic, but I'm not in your mind so meh. Most people I know have broken up with their SO once and got married.

Sometimes something is broken, but with time/space it can be fixed. Only if both give 100% and things change!

If my ex were to come back, well we would succeed because what broke us up, is gone! And stay's gone!

So you are saying people who break up should never get back together? How about those people go get back together, got married and have children?

 

I do not agree with that logic, but I'm not in your mind so meh. Most people I know have broken up with their SO once and got married.

Judging by your last post before this one you are still hurting and putting your ex on a pedestal (he was so perfect) so I'm sure that attributes to your opinion.

What I'm saying is something really bad happened to cause a break up and normally it's something that cannot be repaired. I'm not saying to never say never but me no I wouldn't get back together once broken up because I exhaust every avenue of repairing the relationship before the break up happens.

I'm married and didn't break up with my SO before marrying him so it's worked out for me. I've also met my husband on an MMORPG so we have that in common but we didn't say LDR for long.

Judging by your last post before this one you are still hurting and putting your ex on a pedestal (he was so perfect) so I'm sure that attributes to your opinion.

 

What I'm saying is something really bad happened to cause a break up and normally it's something that cannot be repaired. I'm not saying to never say never but me no I wouldn't get back together once broken up because I exhaust every avenue of repairing the relationship before the break up happens.

 

I'm married and didn't break up with my SO before marrying him so it's worked out for me. I've also met my husband on an MMORPG so we have that in common but we didn't say LDR for long.

I'm not hurting anymore, not crying anymore, 1% hope left. Well, perfect isn't right word, but he was a good person and worth a second chance.

Ok, what you are saying ok, because you try repair stuff before you leave therefore you never look back. I agree with that. But every situation and reason is different. And I still believe second chance is possible if both are 100% willing to work on things.

Now I'm going to bed, if I can even sleep with all this rain pouring down my window!