Finding some happiness, moving on

I think there comes a time in some relationships where you have to try to stop fixing things and just accept that however hard you try, and however much you love someone its just not going to work.

I feel tired from trying to fix us. No actually, I feel exhausted. Burnt out. Decided I needed some space of no contact and told him, but he never replied. I just think that I need some time out. Hes leaving Sunday for his holiday so if I can get till then without talking to him i'm sorted. We kinda arranged that he would come over Saturday but I dont want him to now. I dont really want anything to do with him right now. I'm tired and exhausted. I just want to sleep for an eternity. I feel like hes pushed me too far. Why does he still not trust me?! I feel like screaming. I honestly believe that I cant ever make him trust me, whatever I do to try to prove it to him isn't enough. So i'd rather leave than try to spend the rest of my life proving to him I can be trusted. I feel like i'm trying to glue together a million shattered piecces together and getting cut in the process. This isnt even about his diabetes any more. Its about me not being happy with him. I havent been since September. I think its time to stop trying now.

I'd rather not have a goodbye talk to him because its just too hard for me to deal with right now. He knows whats happening. I'm finding this increadibly hard to deal with so I've started this diary to try to STICK with this breakup. We've broken up about 20 times and got back together and its just not healthy. I need to look at what makes ME happy, and I dont think this is it any more. As hard as it is to accept.

I'm really trying hard to stay in the present, not get scared about the future (freaking out about being alone) and just taking it one hour at a time. I think it helps to remind myself WHY im doing this - for me, for my sanity, for my happiness.

Sigh. Give me strength!

We always play a game of push and pull. I walk away, he sucks me back in. He walks away, I get needy and suck him back in. It's been like that for 6 months. Neither of us are happy but neither of us can be strong enough to go it alone. We fight, we say goodbye, we both get upset and both come back together. Neither of us have any backbone.

Its getting to the stage where I just want to leave. I'm fed up, and feeling broken and tired. I want to find some peace in solitude, to be alone. But i'm scared. Surely being alone isn't that scary? The world isn't going to end, I'm not going to stop breathing, and chances are I'll be happier. I'll be able to think clearly. My emotions will be more stable.

Every time I try and leave he chases after me. Despite telling him I needed space, he text me last night, trying to act sweet and kind. He's always trying to catch me. But has he made me happy in the last 6 months? There have been happy moments, but have there been enough? What's the point of holding on to the past so tightly, when I'm sitting here unhappy?

The hardest part of this is the fact that he never leaves me alone. I tell him I want a break and he ignores me. He knows I cant escape. He knows I don't have the backbone to stick to it, that i'm too weak, deep down I love him and want to be with him. But I dont think i'll ever be happy with him. I want to leave, but I'm not sure I can. I want to believe that I can. I really, really do. I think i'm just going to have to be harsh. I'm going to have to do no contact, and not answer to the texts, and calls he gives me. I've not been able to do it yet, but I have to believe I can. I can do this, I know that I can.