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Thread: Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

  1. #71
    Platinum Member LoveSoDeep's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by EssexMan
    There are grades and shades of not-okay. He made a mistake. He probably didn't realise how not-okay crossing this particular boundary would be for you. The interesting question is why it is such a sacrosanct boundary (to the point that you actually feel it necessary to explicitly state that your roommate is "allowed" to come and go as they please, when nobody in the world would expect otherwise!!!).
    I think she's reacting this way b/c people are attacking her.

    Bottom line it isn't the end of the world but it's important to her. She has made the choice to make this clear to him and she's prepared to deal with the consequences....

    For the record I must be the only other person onthe planet who agrees and thinks he should have let her know first. Did anyone lse pick up that he drove 40 minutes? Who drives 40 minutes without checking first...I'd be confused too. Yes, maybe he's trying to be romanic and he wants to see her that's all lovely but I think she made it clear to him proir to this incident that she doesn't operate that way and he took a chance in disregarding that hoping she'd just be happy to see him...that's a big rist to take at 3am.

    I'm sure they can work through this everyone ganging up on her is just going to make her feel more defensive about it which isn;t a good place for her to be.....so guys please everyone is different let her just be different.

  2. #72

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    People are entitled to do whatever they want - and be different. I just don't see the point of asking people their opinions when it is clear nothing that anyone says is going to make any difference.

    My perspective is that the OP has this and other issues with her boyfriend in which she never seems to want to compromise that I just don't see how the relationship can last unless she becomes much less rigid.

  3. #73
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    I would have jumped sky high if someone was entering my house at 3 am unexpected. I don't care who it is. If he was checking with her if she was going home at let's say midnight I would assume midnight to one would be a reasonable time for stopping by - she'd be expecting him and no confirmation needed. But 3 am he should have called her to see if she was up. I would be in bed by then and it would scare the jeepers out of me.

  4. #74
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I would have jumped sky high if someone was entering my house at 3 am unexpected. I don't care who it is. If he was checking with her if she was going home at let's say midnight I would assume midnight to one would be a reasonable time for stopping by - she'd be expecting him and no confirmation needed. But 3 am he should have called her to see if she was up. I would be in bed by then and it would scare the jeepers out of me.
    I would have jumped sky high in anticipation!!! lol And i wouldn't have cared who he was!!! lol

    ALL...and i mean ALL my bf's have stopped in unanounced at sometime in their life...i never cared...ever.

    But with FRIENDS...yes...i would want a heads up....cuz i'm usually sitting around naked....

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  6. #75
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    OP, I feel you are more pissed about him not responding to your text than him showing up at 3AM. OR I feel you don't love this person much. Just my opinion.

  7. #76
    Silver Member Elaine Marley's Avatar
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    Hi, OP, just wanted to say that I understand how you feel as I am one of the four other ppl on the planet who is very protective of my space and HATE people coming by unannounced. I was also raised similarly as you, so I definitely understand. (I think my parents are too rigid though.)

    I hope you guys work it out as it does seem like he didn't understand why that is important to you and took offense because he thought you didn't want to see him when it really was the situation. But, really, 3am? When you are in bed and not expecting him?! I would have been terrified if I were home alone and heard the door open and footsteps coming to the bedroom door!

  8. #77
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    I think you are entitled to your boundaries, even if most people don't understand them. I think you could have handled the situation much better, though. I read a couple of your older posts. When you first introduced your bf to your parents, they didn't like the way he held his fork. Therefore, they didn't pay any attention to what he had to say, or what kind of person he was. He did something "wrong" and that was all they focused on. This seems like a similar situation. Obviously your bf didn't know what a huge deal it was to show up unannounced.

    But instead of looking past it (at the moment) and seeing what was behind it- maybe he missed you, maybe he thought it wold be sweet, maybe he just really wanted to sleep & wake up with you- you focused solely on this "wrong" thing he did. I think you could have been kinder and a bit accommodating to him that night, and then the next morning let him know that you really don't like him showing up unannounced and ask him to please text or call if he's coming over.

    Stop solely focusing on this rule he broke and try to see that the intent behind it was a good one.

  9. #78

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    This is the sort of thing I was talking about but it is also added to wanting specifc time apart and, most importantly, residual feelings for an ex. Taken all round, there is a huge imbalance in this relationship.

  10. #79
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DN
    This is the sort of thing I was talking about but it is also added to wanting specifc time apart and, most importantly, residual feelings for an ex. Taken all round, there is a huge imbalance in this relationship.

    I agree with you DN......*gasp* lol

  11. #80
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    Never give someone a key to your place unless you are willing to also give them open access. I have never given anyone a key to my place unless I lived with them and we both lived there full time. The reason for that is just such cases as this, where there are misunderstandings as to how much open access he should have to you and your place.

    I can understand if you were upset being startled and scared at 3 am and he was certainly not thinking to wander in drunk at 3 am when he hasn't told you he was coming. However, you DID give him a key and many BF/GFs take that as an open invitation to show up anytime and use your place as if it were a second home.

    And the argument spiraled out of control as many drunken arguments do. but i do think it is telling that he goes from discussing a key to talking about his ex-GF. I think possibly you got too serious with him too soon and he isn't over his ex yet.

    In future if you like control of your place and don't want a BF wandering in and out, don't give him a key. That way he does have to call first before coming over.

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