Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 32 of 34 FirstFirst ... 293031323334 LastLast
Results 311 to 320 of 334

Thread: Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

  1. #311
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Age
    39
    Posts
    187
    Gender
    Female
    Penelope13----I dont just sit and chat with my friends about their emotions. Ill ask what is going on in their life----but I dont generally follow up with 'how does that make you feel?"....that seems very much like sitting on a shrinks couch.
    My friends tend to share what is going on with them and also share other details.

    You asked what we talk about----and I gave you a run down.
    We also talk about the relationship that they're in---and maybe what is or isnt working.....or where its going to lead.
    When a friend goes through a break up----Im usually the one offering to come over with Ben & Jerrys at any hour if thats what they need....Im typically the one who keeps checking in----not just in the 2 weeks following, but long after to see how they're doing with it all. I also try to amp up invitations to do stuff to various things to get them into a new routine.....or at least out of the house.

    Im unsure exactly what anyone else does for their friends other than listen, and spend time doing things together.

    LoveandLost---Yes, I generally tell them things that are going on with me, but typically dont dwell on myself (dont want to come accross as self centered or selfish)---so generally I ask what is going on with them....what is happening in their life...and if the topic comes back to me will give a brief synopsis about whatever they're asking (job, family, relationship)----but either swap back to them, or other social topics.
    Also keep in mind that most everyone in my life has walked away....so it can be difficult at times to trust someone will be there to lean on should I need them to be there.
    Ive had those moments, and people have just failed me.

    Andrea---yes I do feel that I could appear clingy...independent or not----if I ask for too much or too often....or lean too much, they could feel that Im asking too much of them and stop being there if I needed them. I tread carefully to be sure that they dont feel that Im using them, am selfish or self centered.

    Ive asked for direct help and have been told no.
    Be it a ride to the airport....or a ride home from the hospital.....Ive said...hey I have to fly out in 2 weeks, do you think you could give me a lift? Ill cover gas and tolls! And directly been told no.
    Yet that same person, asked me for a ride, and I happily obliged....because that is what a good friend does.

    My parents dont have friends---and they do everything independent---even their own stuff (like my mom she doesnt have my Dad attend important doc appointments with her)---and they told me that you shouldnt need someone to hold your hand through everything----you should be able to do most things on your own...that makes you a strong person.

    I have a pretty tough time grasping....everyone has their way of doing things----why not let them do things the way that they want? It always seems people are trying to tell me to adjust how Im doing things....that its not right, etc. Its one thing if there is a 'smarter' way to do something-----but it all comes back to people do what works for them and they're comfortable with.
    I accept how my friends do things, and work with them witnin those perameters (such as I have a friend who HATES bars...so I know to hang out with her, a bar is going to be the LAST thing she wants to do...so I suggest dinner, or a game night at my place, or a movie, or a museum)----I dont harp on her for not liking bars....I find ways to spend time with her that work for HER.

    I dont just talk to friends with heavy issues.....I have friends to have fun...and I also check in with them regularly about their lives as I care about them....and their lives. Otherwise, I wouldnt even spend time just having fun with them. Those are just people you know---if you just go out for a few drinks with them.

    I took a look at alexithymia...while its interesting, and I took an online test found on google....I dont think it applies hard enough to be something to head to the shrinks office and inquire if I have it.

  2. #312
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    UK
    Age
    53
    Posts
    2,060
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by HDC80
    I dont just sit and chat with my friends about their emotions. Ill ask what is going on in their life----but I dont generally follow up with 'how does that make you feel?"
    No, I don't think many people talk about emotions with their friends quite that directly or analytically, at least not most of the time.

    I generally tell them things that are going on with me, but typically dont dwell on myself (dont want to come accross as self centered or selfish)---so generally I ask what is going on with them....what is happening in their life...and if the topic comes back to me will give a brief synopsis about whatever they're asking (job, family, relationship)----but either swap back to them, or other social topics.
    Might they think you are being secretive, or stand-offish? Sure, nobody likes somebody who talks about themselves all the time. But equally, they might actually be interested in hearing more about you and your life, and grow closer to you if they did.

    Ive said...hey I have to fly out in 2 weeks, do you think you could give me a lift? Ill cover gas and tolls! And directly been told no.
    Yet that same person, asked me for a ride, and I happily obliged....because that is what a good friend does.
    Maybe you regard them as more of a friend than they regard you? Their outright "no" seems odd, unless of course there was a reason they couldn't give you that lift.

  3. #313
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Age
    39
    Posts
    187
    Gender
    Female
    If they ask me questions, I answer...but generally they dont ask much. They'll ask how my job is and Ill say oh its going fine working on this project....not really much more there.

    I believe that you dont just share randomly, as people feel that you're then taking charge of the conversation, or that you could be talking about something they dont want to hear about. I wait for the question to respond about myself....
    Such as I ask how someones weekend was...they'll tell me all about it. If they dont ask about mine, i dont just start telling them about mine.

    The outright no isnt about there being something else that is preventing them....typically its a 'I dont like driving to the airport', or 'you'd have to come to me to make that work' (when going to them would then create money for a cab, or parking issues....both of which are trying to be avoided by having the friend give me a lift)....so when that happens, and options are discussed and dismissed...it just becomes easier to have a cab/car service come.

    I tend to ask well enough in advance to not put someone out....with said example of a lift to the airport.....to eliminate it being a hassle, or that someone will be unable to due to conflicts in schedule.

  4. #314
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    UK
    Age
    53
    Posts
    2,060
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by HDC80
    I believe that you dont just share randomly, as people feel that you're then taking charge of the conversation
    Why shouldn't you, sometimes? If it's interesting, of course. And you can make it about them, as well as you. Hey, a really weird thing happened to me today...(explain weird thing)...what do you think of that?

    or that you could be talking about something they dont want to hear about.
    If they're not very interested in a particular subject, they just won't show a lot of interest. It's not a big deal.

    The outright no isnt about there being something else that is preventing them....typically its a 'I dont like driving to the airport', or 'you'd have to come to me to make that work' (when going to them would then create money for a cab, or parking issues....both of which are trying to be avoided by having the friend give me a lift)....so when that happens, and options are discussed and dismissed...it just becomes easier to have a cab/car service come.
    Is it fair to say, then, that they haven't actually refused...they've just said they'd prefer not to do it on the exact terms you proposed, and they've suggested a compromise instead?

  5.  

  6. #315
    Platinum Member Doc Blaze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Around
    Posts
    3,869
    My parents dont have friends---and they do everything independent---even their own stuff (like my mom she doesnt have my Dad attend important doc appointments with her)---and they told me that you shouldnt need someone to hold your hand through everything----you should be able to do most things on your own...that makes you a strong person.


    and what is your opinion about your moms comment?

    do you think a lot of where this stuff is coming from you have learned through your parents?

  7. #316
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Age
    39
    Posts
    187
    Gender
    Female
    if someone says I dont like driving to the airport in response to asking if they can take you to the airport...that is a no.
    Im not asking people to go at insane early hours.....nor to drive very far out of their way (they need to come maybe 5 miles to get to my house and then go to the airport) Im pretty courteous when asking someone to do me a favor to not put them out much....making it even more annoying when people cant seem to help out...ever...yet I help them all the time.

    My opinion about how my parents operate?....not juts my mother, its both my parents.
    Thats their relationship. It works for them...they've been happily married for 41 years. They must be doing SOMETHING right to not be divorced.

    They would always speak about others who were dependent....or who couldnt stand on their own two feet, and would say how those people were weak....and that standing on your own two feet is very important....

    I hear and see people speak about how their spouse or significant other is their whole world....and I dont believe that is a healthy lifestyle. You have to have your own things....your own hobbies, interests....that person should ADD to your life but not be all that it is.

    I think some of it is.....but its also what is seen as priority and what is accepted in my family.....they would rip me apart if I was leaning on someone...and would point out that it could fail and then what....and if it did fail---they would give a big told ya so lecture....and reitterate how its not smart to live that way....

  8. #317
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,796
    The airport example -I think that's among the larger favors to ask -it involves specific timing, often involves traffic-related delays, and with most airports having complicated security, it's hard to figure out sometimes where to drive into, where you can stop for unloading, and often having to wait even to pull into a spot (I'm still a non-driver and I know all this). I typically don't turn down an offer especially i f I'm traveling to see the person. I would ask if it were an emergency. Maybe you just meant that as a random example but since you posted more than once about it I thought it was appropriate to respond.

  9. #318
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    UK
    Age
    53
    Posts
    2,060
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by HDC80
    Im not asking people to go at insane early hours.....nor to drive very far out of their way
    But again, this is your perspective on why the request is one they can easily accede to. Their reasons for wanting to do it a different way may be, to them, really strong ones.

    I realise that doesn't help you get to the airport! But it may cast light on the "imbalance of favours".

    I hear and see people speak about how their spouse or significant other is their whole world....and I dont believe that is a healthy lifestyle. You have to have your own things....your own hobbies, interests....that person should ADD to your life but not be all that it is.
    I don't think many well-balanced people would disagree with this.

  10. #319
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Age
    39
    Posts
    187
    Gender
    Female
    I use the airport example because its one MOST people can relate to. Its a favor most of us need at one time or another.
    While I understand what you're saying about traffic....security---I can tell you the airport here isnt difficult.....and these people have happily picked up and dropped off others---so its not like they just arent people who go to the airport because of the reasons they're giving me.

    Another example of a favor----someone is coming over for dinner that Im cooking....and I realize I dont have any wine. I ask if they wouldnt mind grabbing a bottle and Ill give them cash when they arrive.
    Ive had people CANCEL because I asked them to do this small favor when they pass by many liquor stores on the way to my house.

    Essex...you're right---and its why I dont push the issue, understanding that the way they want to do things is what fits for them...and then having been told it wont work...I dont ask for a ride from them again...I instead figure it out on my own with out any help as then its a non-issue and Im not left screwed.

  11. #320

    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    San Francisco
    Age
    43
    Posts
    9,012
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by HDC80
    Another example of a favor----someone is coming over for dinner that Im cooking....and I realize I dont have any wine. I ask if they wouldnt mind grabbing a bottle and Ill give them cash when they arrive.
    Ive had people CANCEL because I asked them to do this small favor when they pass by many liquor stores on the way to my house.
    Those people were lying to you - that would never happen. Likely they wanted some excuse not to come in the first place.

Page 32 of 34 FirstFirst ... 293031323334 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •