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Thread: Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

  1. #21
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    My family isnt able to just show up-----nor am I able to just show up to their place.

    Why should it be expected that someone Im dating can just come by whenever they please? Until its shared space....I would never take a relationship to mean that my space can be given up without my permission unexpectedly.
    I would never asusme nor take on that idea and just show up at their place----unless they invite me over or respond to tell me its okay....I take it to mean they're doing something or prefer to have that time to themselves.

    It was 3am.....its hardly a casual time to show up and surprise someone....especially waking them out of a sound sleep.

  2. #22

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    Yes, because you're 32 you should be ok with someone you're in a committed relationship with who has keys to your place coming over whenever. If you don't see it that way fine, but I think the vast majority of the population would expect to be able to do this without upsetting you.

  3. #23
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    When I gave him the key I told him this is to let yourself in if you arrive before me, or to lock up if you leave after me.

    He has never just used it to pop over randomly or just show up unannounced.

    So no he is NEVER EVER allowed to come over unless we have prior arrangements....this also goes for friends and my family....not even at 3pm on a Sunday.

    If it was 3pm on a Sunday and he wanted to pop over...he could call or txt me to see what Im up to.

    I find it rude to just drop in on someone----how do you know they're free, how do you know they want company? You wouldnt know if they were napping....or out meeting a friend for coffee....or taking a 3 hour shower.....or in the middle of a good book they havent been able to get to-----or making surprise cookies for you for the next time you get together....
    Why would you step on someones space that way?

  4. #24
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    I don't even let my parents come over to my house unannounced. They need to give a day in advance warning. I pretty much only go to their house, they haven't been to mine in years.

    They brought it on themselves though for making snarky comments about tidiness of my home.

    There has to be a legitimate reason why you don't want any 'surprises.' But he should absolutely know it.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by pl3asehelp
    Yes, because you're 32 you should be ok with someone you're in a committed relationship with who has keys to your place coming over whenever. If you don't see it that way fine, but I think the vast majority of the population would expect to be able to do this without upsetting you.
    Yup. And like Camus mentioned, if you don't want him to be able to stop by unannounced every now and then, it's probably best to get the key back because giving a partner a key usually does indicate they're welcome to use it to come over to visit and not just for use when it's convenient to you. That or make it VERY clear when he's allowed to. You can't expect him to just know.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member LoveSoDeep's Avatar
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    Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this, but even if your boundaries are a little more strict than other people you still need to have them and he needs to repsect them and that's the issue here.

    The way I see it you weren't actually mad that he came over at 3am uninvited...you were a little freaked out and confused...and his reaction made you mad. I think if you talk it over everything can be put right. Don't let the issue get overblown b/c some people don't understand your point of view. Talk to him about it tell him that if he had at any point said he wanted to come by this could have been avoided and in the future that's what you'd like to see happen. If he's afraid you're pulling away like his ex did point out that you did ask if he wanted to come over and you did want to see him but b/c he didn't respond to your invite you decided to got ot sleep and just weren't expecting him to drop in.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Doc Blaze's Avatar
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    I understand what your saying but i guess certain people are different...all those things you mention if my gf stopped over out of the blue to randomly visit me..it would probably make my day no lie...

    but she usually brings food or coffee too..lol

  9. #28
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    Cope & Hope...when I gave him the key I explained very clearly the uses of the key.
    He understood them so much so that there are times he gets there prior to me and waits for me to arrive before heading in.

    I dont like surprises in general.
    As for my statement about my parents making snarky comments about how clean my house is----trust me when I tell you that when anyone comes over they tell me how clean my house always is and how they're envious that Im able to keep it like that.
    My parents have an even HIGHER standard of clean.

    But I grew up in a house that surprises were NOT allowed.....you always said what time you were leaving and what time you would be home. You always called if that changed for ANY reason...even to delay by 5 minutes.
    You never had anyone just show up----not even family----and friends who randomly showed up at the door were told to leave as it was rude, and randomly showing up was not acceptable in that house.

    I dont like surprises....i dont like people stepping on my space.
    I appreciate and value a call prior to just showing up.....and making plans to then arrange my life (errands, phone calls, eating) accordingly

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by HDC80
    So no he is NEVER EVER allowed to come over unless we have prior arrangements....this also goes for friends and my family....not even at 3pm on a Sunday.

    If it was 3pm on a Sunday and he wanted to pop over...he could call or txt me to see what Im up to.

    I find it rude to just drop in on someone----how do you know they're free, how do you know they want company? You wouldnt know if they were napping....or out meeting a friend for coffee....or taking a 3 hour shower.....or in the middle of a good book they havent been able to get to-----or making surprise cookies for you for the next time you get together....
    Why would you step on someones space that way?
    I largely agree with you on that, though I think the word "allowed" is a bit strong. I'd prefer people (gfs or friends or family) to at least text before coming over, like you say, but they're not "not allowed" to do it.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by HDC80
    friends who randomly showed up at the door were told to leave as it was rude, and randomly showing up was not acceptable in that house.
    It's pretty likely your bf didn't grow up in an environment quite so strict about unexpected visits, so you need to make allowances for that.

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