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Thread: Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

  1. #11
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    I was upset that he didnt confirm that he was coming over....
    Im upset that he didnt logically think through and come to the conclusion on his own that 3am isnt a good idea when I went to bed 2 hours prior......
    I went to bed thinking Id be alone for the night....

    People dont just show up at my house----he isnt even able to do that with a key...he knows its cool if we have set plans.
    Im unsure how that isnt clear and applied to when we have separate plans.

    PL3...what because Im 32 I should be okay with someone coming over in the middle of the night?

    Shess----we have been together almost a year

    LoveSoDeep----exactly. If he had said he was coming over I would have told him Ill be in bed by 130, if you'll be later than that dont bother.

    Love--the reason was I was startled awake and was scared when I heard the front door, then steps, then opening my bedroom door. I was home alone, and thought I was to be alone until the following day.

  2. #12
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    I had a drink with dinner (8pm) and one afterwards (10pm)
    I didnt head home until 1230am.....and he arrived at 3am.

    I was clear headed.

    Im sure he had a few drinks while he was out with his friends----but his reaction carried over into the following day...so even if he was clouded due to a few drinks.....he should have realized it the next morning.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Butterfly~Wrists's Avatar
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    Tbh, I think he is in the wrong, he knows not to come over without letting you know before hand. He knows your boundaries and he violated them. I do think you could have made it slightly more than it is. However that said, if he hadn't broken your boundary this situation wouldn't have happened. I think you both need to say sorry, you need to re-iterate your boundaries and why they are in place.

  4. #14

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    Given your recent history with this man - I really don't think you are compatible.

    This is a guy you once said you could see yourself marrying, were planning on moving in with him in two or three months and you treat him as if he is some sort of almost stranger and a guest who has to be absolutely sure of his welcome before he sets foot in the house. And when he got there you were both rude and unwelcoming.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Butterfly~Wrists
    I think you both need to say sorry, you need to re-iterate your boundaries and why they are in place.
    Yup, and make clear that the big issue isn't what happened, but ensuring that it doesn't happen again.

  7. #16
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    I think it's kind of sad if you have to establish a boundary that your partner can never, ever surprise you by coming home to you instead of his own place.

    But if that's the case, he probably shouldn't have a key to your apartment.

  8. #17
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    Sorry but unless you're actually living with me....yes you need set plans to come over-----no showing up.
    I wouldnt just show up at his house like that.....even if he told me its okay to. Had I reached out to tell him I was in the area, or thinking about stopping by and didnt hear back from him to get an okay...I wouldnt stop by.

    Thats my boundary when interacting with others, and one I anticipate when they're interacting with me.

    He never said he would be over, and given he said good night in response to me....looked like we were both signing off from the evening, to complete it on our own.

    If he LIVED with me....he could come and go as he pleased, no information required.....my roommate does this....its accepted as she LIVES there.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by DN
    Given your recent history with this man - I really don't think you are compatible.

    This is a guy you once said you could see yourself marrying, were planning on moving in with him in two or three months and you treat him as if he is some sort of almost stranger and a guest who has to be absolutely sure of his welcome before he sets foot in the house. And when he got there you were both rude and unwelcoming.
    I'm going to go ahead and agree with this for the most part because after dating a year, your partner stopping by unannounced really shouldn't be that upsetting. Actually, it should be a nice surprise most of the time though I can also see why you're annoyed as it was 3 A.M and he hadn't responded to you prior.

    For the most part though, I really don't think there's room for the whole "only come over when I say you're welcome to" thing in any type of serious relationship. From my experience and from what I've seen as the norm, it's usually more of the opposite where "you're welcome over unless I let you know you're not" type of thing when someone is busy. To each their own though. Either way, over reactions and both should apologize. Not really that big of a deal and honestly I can tell that you're getting on the defensive here when people are telling you it's been a bit of an over reaction.

  10. #19
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    They key is for instances when he arrives prior to me when we have plans, or is leaving after me (or in the morning when he leaves prior to me and to lock the door on his way out)

    Im unsure why its 'sad' that he cant ever surprise me.
    Is that really something cool?

    I dont like the unexpected....if Im heading home anticipating being alone, and then he was there....yeah Id be annoyed. I probably would already have an idea of how I would want to spend that alone time, and his being there wouldnt allow for that.
    Maybe I wanted to take a bubble bath.....or blast music and clean the house.

    I went to bed anticipating being alone in my bed for the night-----I would have been fine if we made plans, but we didnt....

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by HDC80
    Sorry but unless you're actually living with me....yes you need set plans to come over-----no showing up.
    I wouldnt just show up at his house like that.....even if he told me its okay to. Had I reached out to tell him I was in the area, or thinking about stopping by and didnt hear back from him to get an okay...I wouldnt stop by.
    Really? So he's never, ever allowed to come by your apartment without prior plans? Even if it's 3 in the afternoon?

    Bizarre. But regardless, I would strongly encourage you to get your apartment key back from him. You're expecting him to act exactly as how you would while giving him something of a mixed signal. "Never stop by without prior arrangements--but here's my key."

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