Do You Require Daily Communication in Relationships?

I was talking to a friend of mine who decided to stop seeing a guy because he didn't find a way to communicate with her enough daily. One day, they would call, text, or gchat. Then, on the next day, he just didn't say anything or even try to communicate with her. Since the relationship was fairly young, she didn't feel like flipping about about something like that, but it was apparently important to her that she must speak to her boyfriend at least once a day if they don't see each other. He made no attempt to do so, hence, she thought he was never really into her and decided to cut her losses.

Now, when she told me this story, I thought that it was a bit extreme to expect your significant other to keep in touch with you daily, but then, I remember when I was dating my ex-boyfriend of 2 years, not hearing anything from him a day would make me anxious and worried or maybe even upset. I don't think it's "right" to expect a call or text from your partner, because if they're really fond of you, they'll find a way to keep in touch with you regardless. So if it were me in her shoes, I think I would have done the same thing by ending the relationship. But I'm wondering, am I the only one who feels daily communication is certainly needed in relationships, even if it's just a text or a call?

I think it's nice to touch base and say HI every day but it's not a requirement for me or something I expect.

I'd prefer to talk to the girl I'm seeing daily, but it's certainly not a requirement and not a dealbreaker if she doesn't feel quite the same way. It's just a preference.

Basically, and this especially rings true when the relationship is young, but I know if I'm really into a girl I want to talk to her as much as possible. I do understand what you're saying though, because if they can go days without talking to me no problem it does tend to make me feel as if she's not as into me as I am her.

Some people are just busier or they have more people in their lives to tend to, so I don't think I would altogether stop seeing someone just because they don't talk to me quite as much as I'd like.

I personally think its important - even a couple of x's just to let them know they mean something and are being thought of.

To not do so would imply the SO is either self absorbed or placing other things higher on their priority list than the r'ship....

esp if it is important for the other person to have some gesture of Love, and esp if the ''omitter'' is aware of this. It is not very time consuming to send a couple of x's......

Every day?! Just because?! Man, if I was dating women that expected that level of attention, I'd be getting dumped all the time.

That level of neediness would drive me crazy TBH. Constant contact is cool if it's natural, but not just because your GF will flip out if you don't get in touch every day.

I think she wouldn't even need to dump me for that, as I'd have run for the hills way before that ever happened. Even the thought of someone catching feelings because I didn't check in every 24 hours makes me shudder.

I love the feeling of wanting to keep in touch and missing each other, but when it becomes mandatory it starts to feel less like romance and more like checking in with a parole officer

Hi drmcsugar,

I agree with you and your girlfriend. I've usually kept in touch with boyfriends once a day. This is a natural occurrence, not a demand.

Usually when I'm with some-one, we text a few times a day. Little comments, bits of conversation, etc, etc. Obviously there are days when life gets busy and we don't stay in touch.

I don't demand it. It happens naturally when the relationship is working well. My take is if I can't think of anything to say to them on a daily basis, then I'm probably with the wrong person.

Allcity - when and if you get married, are you saying you'd find your wife needy and clingy if she asked you to get in touch once a day when you were out of town. (Just curious. It's a serious question, as I realise that different couples require different levels of conversational intimacy in relationships.)

Deci

all of my relationships have had daily communication... however when I am in a LDR I do require daily communication as far as possible, close distances not so much..

its nice but its no a requirement....we communicate when we can..she is back in college again taking a full load and ive been working crazy shifts...but we manage to communicate daily.

When and if you get married, are you saying you'd find your wife needy and clingy if she asked you to get in touch once a day when you were out of town?

If she specifically asked me to get in touch at least once a day, every day (assuming she generally wasn't needy and clingy in other areas) then it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but I would find it a bit OTT though.

When anyone expects clockwork contact from me, it always rubs me up the wrong way, makes me feel a bit suffocated and makes me wonder whether they're checking up on me. I admit that's likely just my issue, though.

I've been in relationships where contact a few times a week was normal and ones where I'd get torn a new one if I didn't get in touch every day, and I can say for sure that the former were the women I found most attractive.

If I'm expected to clock in every day, it's always a turn off for me. Note the word 'expected', though. There's a difference between her saying she'd really like me to get in touch every day vs. her snapping at me if I don't.

I prefer relationships that are about two people happily living individual lives alongside each other, rather than as one entity. I think healthy relationships flourish with a decent amount of space and die without it.

Everyone's different and some people prefer their relationships to be all-consuming. I find those people to be quite needy, though, and they are often the same people that are totally defined by their relationships.

When they're 'in love' and with a partner, they feel complete. And when the relationship ends they are unable to function, as they defined their whole life and feelings of self-worth on this other person that 'completed' them.

Besides, don't forget the old clichés that say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and 'familiarity breeds contempt' Corny old sayings like that have a lot of truth to them.

am I the only one who feels daily communication is certainly needed in relationships, even if it's just a text or a call?

 

Nope. Like you, I'd be really worried if 24 hours went by with no communication at all (the only exception being if one of us was travelling internationally).

It depends how long we've been dating. I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 months, and while I don't expect to hear from him every day, I usually do.

If the relationship was really new, like under a month or so, I wouldn't contact every day.

If we didn't like each other enough to want to be in touch everyday I don't think there would be a point to being in the relationship.

I am all for independence, but there has to be a balance.

For the first year in my relationship, I didn't really need daily contact. After a year, I expressed that as a need. It didn't make sense to have it as clockwork, but daily for sure. So, for me, it depends on the stage of the relationship. Under a year - nah. Over a year - yeah, daily contact as much as possible.

I am all for calling people out on their neediness - which is quite often. But I think the same can be said for emotional distance. IF you are in a long-term relationship, and you don't contact each other expect 2-3 times a week, that's hardly a relationship to me. If someone needs distance in order to maintain love and attraction, then that is not the person for me. There has to be more balance.

I think calling others needy can (not always) be a way for emotionally distant folks to manage (i.e. lower) expectations and not integrate the other person into their lives. For a long-lasting partnerhip (assuming you are going down the marriage track), it is not about co-depedence or independence. Neither are good for marriage. It's about interdependence. You are separate individuals who have chosen each other to be team members, partners, family members in your life journey.

In that contact, a 2-minute phone call or a 1 minute text hardly seems smothering or all-consuming. I think it's unfortunate when people (often women) are made to feel needy when they expect/express the need for this stuff in a relationship. I find that when a guy thinks you are the one/is ready to marry you, he is wanting this stuff already.

for me, it depends on the stage of the relationship. Under a year - nah. Over a year - yeah, daily contact as much as possible.

That's interesting. I would be the other way round. I can't actually recall going for any period longer than a day or so without contact in LTRs (except when I've been travelling somewhere where communications really are awkward), but I doubt I would have found it a huge problem - feeling secure enough in the relationship by that time to know that a brief hiatus in communication doesn't mean anything.

By contrast, early on, I'd be much more worried that it indicated a gap opening up between us.

lol this^^ when i first started dating my gf..i remember staying up every night and skyping till like 4am..waking up going to work dead at 7am lol..and as time went on it turned to maybe twice a week...to calling instead..to texting and maybe calling if were not too tired lmao...we still keep in contact but just not like the first couple of months...

In a serious relationship, talking nearly every day would be good, but if it was just the beginning of a relationship I'd kind of feel suffocated if the person expected me to communicate with them at least once a day. I think every few days would be sufficient for the beginning of a relationship. My Dad calls his girlfriend multiple times a day at work, and even though they've been dating for years if someone did that to me I would go crazy.

My Dad calls his girlfriend multiple times a day at work, and even though they've been dating for years if someone did that to me I would go crazy.

If it was phone calls, I'd agree. Contact in my relationships has mostly been email, and latterly text, for years.

That's interesting. I would be the other way round. I can't actually recall going for any period longer than a day or so without contact in LTRs (except when I've been travelling somewhere where communications really are awkward), but I doubt I would have found it a huge problem - feeling secure enough in the relationship by that time to know that a brief hiatus in communication doesn't mean anything.

 

By contrast, early on, I'd be much more worried that it indicated a gap opening up between us.

I understand that. For me, interdependence is earned. Why would I call some dude I have only known for a month every day? That's odd to me --- what would we talk about? At that point it's about getting to know each other.

So as you get to know each other, as you get emotionally invested. As the emotional investment grows, so does the time and effort to see/connect with each other.

On the other hand, I would expect to hear from a husband every day

I needed daily contact and so did he especially when we were long distance. I also like to hear from him once a day -quickly - when he's at work but it's not essential and certainly not a requirement if he's busy! I prefer phone calls but email is fine too and can be fun. In all my serious relationships we both wanted daily contact.

For me, when the relationship is new, I like to talk. Though looking back now, maybe it would be easier to talk every other day, but that's hard to control the chemicals in your brain that says you're addicted to the person. But as the relationship progresses, I do feel suffocated if I'm expected to talk everyday. It's like we told each other about us already so give me time to go out and enjoy some things so I could tell you about it.

Just curious, for those who need or want to hear from their SO while they're at work, why?

I don't think there's a right or wrong here. Every relationship will be different and has to strike its own balance. For me, I think once you're in an established relationship, one quick check in a day is a good thing. Just a good morning or good night text is fine. It wouldn't feel right for me otherwise. So good for your friend for knowing what she wants/needs. I hope that she talked to him about the issue before she left. I also hope she initiated contact an equal amount of time. If she did neither of those things, well, those are issues for a separate thread.

when I was in a LDR with the ex, I insisted on talking at least once a day minimum because I feel daily catch up and communication are key to a healthy relationship...

I do not see whats wrong or hard with someone just texting a simple hey hows it goin to your s.o.

demanding every hour or something is crazy...

my brothers gf goes nuts if he doesnt answer or call back within minutes, calls him every hour and if he is with someone or doing something she didn't know about she flips out!!

This is a really interesting conversation, especially since I just started seeing someone and this has been coming up for me. It is interesting that some people feel the desire for more contact in the early stages, while others feel that is more part of what happens when things get serious. For me, I wouldn't make a demand that someone contact me daily but personally I have the desire to be in regular contact. Not because I feel needy or have need to check in on somebody, but because I am thinking about them and want to have that connection, share things with each other about our day, etc. The connection really feels good to me, and I naturally desire it. If the person I'm seeing doesn't, I start to feel like they aren't that interested. That is what is happening for me now, although when I'm with this guy he seems to really like me.

In the past if I've wanted more contact with someone than we were having and said so, the other person has sometimes said, 'but I'm thinking about you'. This doesn't really make sense to me, because thinking about someone naturally translates for me into wanting to interact/connect with them. I guess this isn't true for everyone. I am more than happy than to let things grow slowly - meaning that it takes time get to know someone and invite them into your daily life/integrate your lives into a life together. I do tend to wonder when I'm seeing someone who doesn't want contact as much as I do in the beginning if that will happen, though. I dated someone for over a year who considered me one of two serious relationships in his life, yet only wanted to see me a couple times a week after that long. He said he loved me, but seemed to still want very separate lives, where I am more interested in eventually being with someone who I share a daily life and a family with (of course with our separate interests, friendships outside our relationship, time do do things apart).

Yes...I like daily communication with the person I am in a relationship with. I am far from needy or clingy. I just think that if you're serious about someone that its perfectly ok and healthy to communicate frequently. This is the person you are most intimate with, why on earth would talking every day be an issue? If anything it creates a stronger bond. At least for me it does. Maybe I'm weird...