Should I worry?

I have been dating my girlfriend now for a month. Things have moved very quickly and we are very close emotionally when we are together. We communicate very well. I am 45 and she is 35. I think for what I have seen so far she is a good girl. She says she doesn't drink. I am pretty sure she is not a party person. She has two children 7 and 12. She is in the middle of a divorce. Her husband moved out 4 months ago. He has said that he wants to get back together with her and will make an effort. She says that no matter what, she is not getting back together with him.

We all work for the same company. Go figure.

My girlfriend won an award to go to Las Vegas with several other people from our company including her "ex-husband" -- She is sharing a room with her sister for the trip.

I am concerned of several things. One, that she will do things that she normally would't do that I would'nt feel comfortable with. Two, that her "ex-husband" will use the opportunity to try to seduce her into getting back together with him. Three, I don't know if her sister is a "party" type person and will influence my girlfriend.

I don't know. She is a good girl I know. She has not given me any reason to doubt her. But I still feel uncomfortable and insecure. I am going crazy wondering what she is doing; or what he is doing. I have 3 days until she is back.

Well, I think it's likely that her husband will use the opportunity to try and get her alone and "talk some sense" into her. That's probably a given.

As for her behaving in ways she normally wouldn't . . . it's Vegas, so anything is possible. You two, despite your emotional closeness (which obviously isn't that close, or you would trust her) have only been dating for a month. Have you decided to be exclusive?

Also - her husband moved out and three months later she's dating you? Are you concerned at all that you might be a rebound? Not saying you are cause I don't know the circumstances of their marriage, etc but a lot of people would think that's a little quick and that there's no way she's truly over the end of the marriage (which isn't even really over cause the divorce isn't final). What do you think? Is that where your concern is coming from?

Vegas doesn't magically make people more prone to things. I'm sure there are plenty of people that like to go out there to misbehave and there are probably lots of other people that go to Vegas and gamble like me. I could care less about the party scene out there and this is coming from a girl that used to be a total party girl.

If she's going to do anything, it could happen anywhere. You have to decide whether you think she cares enough about you and the relationship to not jeopordize it and if don't don't feel secure then maybe she isn't the one for you.

If she's going to do anything, it could happen anywhere. You have to decide whether you think she cares enough about you and the relationship to not jeopordize it and if don't don't feel secure then maybe she isn't the one for you.

This.

And you keep calling her a "good girl". She's not 12, dude, and you're not her father. She's a grown woman--adults are allowed to drink and cut loose sometimes. I understand your concerns about her ex being there, but her sister influencing her in some way? What's that all about?

So my girlfriend had a company function last night. This morning around 10 am she text me.

Girl: "Good morning Hon, just waking up. I have no idea what time we went to bed. Now rushing to start the activities for the day."

Me: "You can't remember what time you went to bed? Why? Were you drinking?"

Girl: "Yes, and I got drunk."

Me: "I thought you didn't drink."

Girl: "Exactly, so I don't know why you ask if I was drinking."

Me: "But you told me you don't know what time you got in. Which didn't make sense."

Girl: "Just forget it. I just want to say good morning. I'm going to breakfast ok talk to you later."

Me: "Ok that's cool. Have fun."

So anyway, it sounds like she is being pissy with me which is not normal. I just want to not text her all day and if she doesn't just ignore her text if she does. What does everyone think?

I think you need to crawl out of her butt about what she was up to and whether she was drinking. This reads like an interrogation, not a quick good morning catch up.

Look, you're fishing for stuff she's doing wrong and she knows it. That would piss off anyone. So instead of playing a passive aggressive game with her for the rest of the day in an attempt to "punish" her, perhaps you should take a step back and realize your own insecurities are fueling this.

Perhaps your bigger issue is the fact that she hasn't finalized her divorce with her husband. Now that, I can understand.

Me: "You can't remember what time you went to bed? Why? Were you drinking?"

Me: "I thought you didn't drink."

Me: "But you told me you don't know what time you got in.

 

So anyway, it sounds like she is being pissy with me

It also sounds a bit like you are interrogating her. Which may not have been your intention, but it's easy to misinterpret texts.

I just want to not text her all day and if she doesn't just ignore her text if she does. What does everyone think?

That sounds to me like a bit of an over-reaction. Just accept you had a minor misunderstanding this morning and send her a normal text later on - Hey, how's your day going? Really cold here (or whatever).

I think the bottom line is anyone who is going through a divorce, is far from ready to be starting a new relationship. (imo)

Well, I realize I may have come off as if I was interrogating her. Honestly, I just feel like she is going to use the Vegas trip to have a diffrerent "fun" that she doesn't normally do. Like drinking and staying out late; doing what? I don't know. I don't feel comfortable with her drinking if that were the case because I cannot watch over her and keep her safe. I know she is with her sister but I'm thinking her sister likes to party. I don't know for sure. I havent had any specific experiences I can think of; but in general I feel drinking or getting drunk is setting a girl up for the wrong kinds of things to happen. It lowers inhibitions and I'm sure thier are guys there hitting on her; if not her ex-husband trying to get back together with her. All I need is for her to get drunk and her ex-husband to sleep with her to ruin our relationship. I know I am letting my fears get the best of me. I wish I didn't feel this way. Really all I want is to relax and feel everything is great with no worries or concerns. And she has not given me any reason to not trust her in the past. And I don't want her feeling like I don't trust her. Her drinking is not the issue. It's what I fear could happen if she does. And she says she does not remember what time they got home last night. It had to be pretty late if you don't have an idea. And if you don't know then why would'nt you? That just didn't make sense to me. Honestly, I really don't want her to tell me anything about this trip because it might just make me feel worse.

You have been dating a month. She was married for 12 years. And she is an adult woman who can make her own decisions about her own behavior.

Your insecurities will kill this relationship. You either trust her or you don't. And you clearly dont.

Finally, you are dating a married woman.

And she has not given me any reason to not trust her in the past.

She has not given you any reason not to trust her now, either, has she?

You seem to be worried that she is very weak and will give in to any temptation that presents itself unless you are there to "keep her safe", as you put it. Why would you think that?

And she says she does not remember what time they got home last night. It had to be pretty late if you don't have an idea. And if you don't know then why would'nt you?

Probably she just didn't look at the time before she went to bed, or if she did, she forgot what time it was in the morning. It's not a big deal.

It's dizzying watching you go through all the scenarios in your head.

You think that drinking will make her more likely to cheat? She could be sober and cheat, she could be in Chicago and cheat, she could be having dinner and decide "hey I'm gonna cheat on skyecko".

The more time you spend concocting up scenarios in your head, the more you are going to sabatoge the relationship.

Yeah, my mind is a bit analytical which does not help much at all.

Yeah, my mind is a bit analytical which does not help much at all.

Do you think that maybe a little time apart while she handles her divorce might be in order? There is nothing wrong with that really. She probably has some things that need to be worked through and as someone else said, dating so soon after leaving a lengthy marriage could create issues down the line.

It would also give you both time to think about what you need and want from this relationship.

Well, what happened is 4 years ago her husband cheated on her. That caused the downward spiral of the relationship. She spent the last 4 years trying to fix the relationship but he didn't make any effort. Then 8 months ago he moved out of the house for a month. Then he came back. Then 4 months ago he moved back out of the house again. In my girlfriends mind the relationship is already over and she just wants to finalize the paperwork. But a divorce with two kids will take anywhere from 6-9 months supposedly. And in the meantime I suppose that he will be trying to win her back. Though he says he won't contest the divorce I think he will just to try to stall and give himself more time. I don't think he really loves her; just doesn't want to see her with someone else. I've been with her when she is talking with her ex; or when she talks to me about him and I don't sense any emotion from her regarding him. I don't think she loves him for sure. And I think any relationship at this point is just strictly for the kids. I have not met anyone like her and meeting her at this particular time is bad. But I am not willing to risk letting her go until her issues have been resolved because I don't want to lose the connection we have with one another.

I've been with her when she is talking with her ex; or when she talks to me about him and I don't sense any emotion from her regarding him. I don't think she loves him for sure.

So then why are you so convinced that he will be able to take advantage of her in Vegas or anymore for that matter?

Because if they are drinking together; which I'm not even sure she would do; and if she got drunk maybe her sense of judgement would be compromised.

I really feel like all I can do is just keep my mouth shut. Anything I say is probably just going to make things worse and show my insecurity; which will appear like I don't trust her. I mean if I were to flip the tables on her and say something like: "So let's say I am going to Las Vegas; and my "ex-wife" whom I am not divorced from yet; and who has unequivially stated wants me back; and whom just so happens to be in the same hotel with me attending the same functions; Well maybe I should get drunk while I'm there because that just seems like the perfect time/place to do so." --- Do you think she would look at me like I was crazy? Or would she say: "It's alright Honey. I know you are a good man and even if you drink I know everything will be fine. I know your ex-wife wants you back and even if your'e drunk I trust you will make the right decision." -- For real? How many horror stories have I heard from people who were drunk and don't even remember how they got home much less who they slept with? Now I don't know if my girlfriend would even drink. She says she doesn't. And maybe she was just testing me today when she said she got drunk. But really its the drinking part being unknown which scares me. If she is in her right frame of mind I know she can deal with her ex-husband's advances. Otherwise I would be nervous.

really its the drinking part being unknown which scares me. If she is in her right frame of mind I know she can deal with her ex-husband's advances.

Obviously there are exceptions, but in my experience drinking - even a lot - doesn't usually drive somebody to do the exact opposite of what they'd do when sober, where major things are concerned.

You seem unusually worried about the effects of drinking. Have you had experiences in the past where alcohol has caused problems?

Well, sorta but not really. I can't think of anything that was dominant in my thoughts. Although my first marriage did break up when she came home at 3 am drunk from having been with someone. Then I was cheated on by my at the time fiance with someone from work and she had a thing about going out and drinking. So I am not sure completely what is driving the thought. But I don't like it. It is around 3pm and still no text from my girlfriend. I assume she is busy but last I heard was 10 am when we had that little discussion. I'm really not sure if I should text her or just leave it alone and see if she text me later.

Well, sorta but not really. I can't think of anything that was dominant in my thoughts. Although my first marriage did break up when she came home at 3 am drunk from having been with someone. Then I was cheated on by my at the time fiance with someone from work and she had a thing about going out and drinking. So I am not sure completely what is driving the thought. But I don't like it. It is around 3pm and still no text from my girlfriend. I assume she is busy but last I heard was 10 am when we had that little discussion. I'm really not sure if I should text her or just leave it alone and see if she text me later.

So it's really more about the cheating than it is the drinking. I think you believe that drinking probably played a role in their decision to cheat but more times than not if a person is going to cheat, it's because they have thought about it previously.

I'm really not sure if I should text her or just leave it alone and see if she text me later.

I really think the best thing is for you to behave "normally". I mean, I know you can't just erase these thoughts from your head at a moment's notice, but just text her and ask how her day is going in a normal, non-interrogating way, or tell her something about your day.

Yeah, no way for me to erase the thoughts I'm having. If I was getting some kind of validation from her that she was missing me; her saying she wished I was there; or something along these lines was so far she hasnt said anything like this. A little attention would go a long way to settle my thoughts. Not completely, but would help. Now I am feeling like she is being stuborn; and I am feeling stuborn a bit because she hasnt text me since this morning. And that is not like iether of us. Normally we text and talk all day and night. I want to feel like she cares and she is not contacting me.

I want to feel like she cares and she is not contacting me.

She may just be a little annoyed about the earlier "interrogation" text, so don't make it worse by now ignoring her.

So yesterday I was telling you that my girlfriend who is on a trip had text me the following.

Girl: "Good morning Hon, just waking up. I have no idea what time we went to bed. Now rushing to start the activities for the day."

Me: "You can't remember what time you went to bed? Why? Were you drinking?"

Girl: "Yes, and I got drunk."

Me: "I thought you didn't drink."

Girl: "Exactly, so I don't know why you ask if I was drinking."

Me: "But you told me you don't know what time you got in. Which didn't make sense."

Girl: "Just forget it. I just want to say good morning. I'm going to breakfast ok talk to you later."

Me: "Ok that's cool. Have fun."

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UPDATE:

So I wait all day to see if she will text on her own. She doesn't. When I get home from work at 7:30 pm I text her.

Me: "Hey hun, hope your having a great day!"

No response. So at 9 pm I decide to text her again before going to bed. By this time I felt like total crap.

Me: "Hun, I'm going to bed. I'm not feeling well. I'm thinking of you. I hope you are alright. Haven't heard from you today so I guess youv'e been busy. Anyway, have a good night."

No response. So I go to bed but find it difficult to sleep. Work up in the middle of the night and check my text; mo messages. Woke up an hour early today and checked my text; no messages. Since I could'nt sleep I just got up and came to work early.

I know my text went thru because my phone gives me a delivery confirmation. And I know she must have her phone with her because she is very close to her kids and she would have called them several times a day. Before she left on the trip everything was great. We text frequently throughout the day even when she was busy or working. We talked on the phone a couple times a day. But since she has gone on this trip it seems she has been acting differently. I turns out also that I think her ex-husband is not on the trip. I think I remember my girlfriend telling me before that he was going to be watching the kids while she was gone.

In any regard, I do not know what is going on. Part of me wants to believe that maybe something happened to her phone and that is why I haven't heard from her. The other side of me feels hurt that she isn't making the time for me; I mean it can't take more than 15 seconds a couple times a day to text me and say hello. I am feeling lost and becoming angry. And now if she text me this morning I'm not even sure how to respond. I mean, since the beginning of our relationship we have never missed saying goodnight to one another.