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Thread: Wedding a short time away, relationship still rocky :(

  1. #1
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    Wedding a short time away, relationship still rocky :(

    This might be kind of long, so please bear with me. I sincerely appreciate any help and advice on this. I ask if you could please not be mean or overly judgmental on this, i am opening up on a lot of things here.

    I have been in a relationship for about 3 years and almost 4 months. We have been engaged since July 2011 and the wedding date is set for May 4th of this year.

    It is hard to know where to even begin on this, but we have would I would describe as a volatile relationship. We have had some of the nastiest fights imaginable (nothing physical) to the point where I almost consider taking my life (would never really happen, but that is how upset I get), but we also love each other like crazy and treat each other very well at times too. We are both romantic and passionate. On the other side of the spectrum, we have both had our insecurity issues. I am often plauged by doubts if this is what I really want, but then go back and forth between that and wanting to love her and care for her for the rest of my life. I have also done things in the past I am not proud of, as far as contact with other women (which she chose to forgive me for). On her issues though, she is bossy, pushy, has bad anger issues, and controlling. She also is not that good with money. She has debt from some cosmetic surgery and lives paycheck to paycheck

    The first few months of our relationship were great, although in hindsight, she might have wanted to move a little quicker than I did, but I went along for the ride. We connected on a lot of levels, same likes, great conversations, great romance and passion. I started thinking she might be the one. As we got a little deeper into it, I started to notice the tendencies mentioned above, very bossy and controlling. I started to feel unhappy over some situations we had. Rather than talk to her about it as I should have, I dealt with my stress by talking with other women online. I know that was wrong obviously, but I did not have the tools yet to communicate with her like i should have, I was afraid to confront her with my feelings since they were negative. Long story short, she found out, got understandably very upset but she eventually forgave and we worked our way through it.

    Unfortunately, our relationship since then has been very rocky. I had engaged in numerous other sexual indiscreations over time. Not any outright affairs, but just things that women would not appreciate let's just say. Through it all, even though she got very angry and upset, she never broke up with me. She is attractive so it is not like she needed me to just have someone. I think she might have sensed that even though I engaged in bad behavior, it was my own sick way of dealing with my mental health and anxiety issues.

    As our relationship has progressed, I eventually got my behavior in order. I haven't done anything bad in almost a year. but our relationship has still been a major challenge. I have been going to therapy for about a year and a half. We tried couple's therapy a couple times, but she backed out because she thinks I am the one with all thie issues. I know most people by this point probably think I am the villian here, but she has treated me bad numerous times. Pressure to just keep spending money in a way that gives me great anxiety, not taking no for an answer, getting way too angry for things that I am not deserving of it for.

    For the marriage, the plan is for her to come to live with my in my house. I own a house with no mortgage, it used to be may parents' house, They are deceased. She wants to change many, many things. I understand and appreciate she wants to make it feel like her home too, but she has not been realistic with spending, which pretty much is all coming frm me. I am also paying for the entire wedding. I had also more than doubled the cost of her original ring when she was not happy with the first one. The financial stress has been killing me.

    I have never been married before, she did once and has an 18 yo daughter. Her ex and her are suppsoedly handling school expenses, but I just found out the other day now she wants me to co-sign for her new car she wants to get, since she is giving her current one to her daughter.

    The wedding is less than 4 months away. We just went through the Catholic Churches pre-marriage counseling, since i am Catholic. We did okay until the subject of finances came up. I was hesitant to disclose all my assets to her because I am uncomfortable with her knowing. I am strictly middle class if that. I have some savings, but nothing super impressive. She might consider a lot since she has basically nothing, but I believe in having some cushioning and not spending unless you really need to.

    Mentally now I am a mess. We have "broken up" numerous times only to get back together again. I often think to myself I would be happier being single or in a better relationship, but I love her so darned much. I know it may not sound like it, but I really am very, very much in love with her. It's just that these issues are so tough. I have also tried to budget with her but that basically amounts to her saying "Do you have the money for this or not?" If I say I do, she thinks we are fine, but I am also concerned about what the future may bring. I don't want to hurt this woman any more than I have. Other than a few people. most people I know including my therapist tell me to end it, but every time I think I can, I feel absolutely horrible and just think about her crying, being heart-broken, devestated and it just kills me. She is moving and changing her life for me (although she is definitely not the only one making sacrifices), so I need certainty in my own head to be fair to me and to her. Any thoughts, suggestions? Sorry about the length.

  2. #2
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    you dont want to be in this relationship, you have cheated on her, you dont even sound like you like her.. why are you marrying her? Are you afraid of being alone? Is this a co-dependency issue? Nothing about what you wrote sounds like someone who is in love and wanting to spend their life with someone.

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    I knew the cheating thing would stick out above all other things, but it happaened a long time ago and she chose to forgive me. I stated several times in there that I love her, so I don't know why you say I don't even like her. If it is because I am describing her negatively, I am just pointing out what has happened and what the issues are. She also has many great characteristics too. If all that was happening was the good stuff, i would not be on here to get advice...

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    If she turned round to you and said "the wedding's off" what would you say? Would you breathe a sigh of relief or would you be utterly devastated and ask her to change her mind?

    To be honest, it's as though you don't actually want to marry her but you're scared of hurting her.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member LillyLooWho's Avatar
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    Well if your therapist thinks you should end it, you might want to listen to that. He/she knows you a lot better than any of us on this board so that opinion should trump all of ours. The only thing I can add is that marriage won't solve anything so you'll still have exactly the same relationship you have now except that it will have legal and financial ramifications. You will be tied to this person and it will be much more difficult to break up. If you feel like a break up is inevitable, then you should do it before the wedding not after. I know your lives are very much intertwined and the wedding is coming up soon but you must do what is in your heart. You must put yourself first and not worry about her heartbreak. Personally, I would rather someone break up with me beforehand than go through with a wedding/marriage when they doubt our longevity as a couple. At least have a discussion with her and tell her what you're feeling. If you can't talk to her about this then you do not have the communication as a couple that you will need to sustain a long term commitment. I wish you luck and peace.

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    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    If Trained professional tells you to end it. You should. To me she sounds like she found free meal ticket.

    feel absolutely horrible and just think about her crying, being heart-broken, devestated and it just kills me. What about your happiness?

    Make sure you get Prenuptial agreement if you marry her. If it doesn't work out. She could very best tell you to sell your parents house.

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    Platinum Member becomingkate's Avatar
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    I think it's going to VERY important to get a prenuptial agreement. It's the only way that you're going to be able to keep your parents house if/when the marriage ends. Please see an attorney before getting married!

  9. #8
    Hello,
    What sticks out most for me in hearing your situation is how hard you are on yourself, really condemning of yourself. You are very brave to reach out here for help and also all the other times you have reached out for help with your church and counseling. Also, the amount of reflection you have done is impressive, you seem like a sensitive and caring person. You do not sound like a villain at all, more like a victim, that is "trapped" in a habit of mainly pain, that ultimately will affect your health. For me, hearing you is like hearing a cry for help. You say you dont want to hurt her, but how are you hurting yourself? To move from where you are now to a better place, like any transition, is part of life and not painfree, but the choice is yours. To start with, You said you would be happier in a better relationship, describe a bit about how you imagine that relationship will be?
    Last edited by kamurj; 01-08-2013 at 05:42 PM.

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    Thank you for your kind words and insight. You are right in that I am suffering quite a bit. I know some others may not see it because they will just foucus on the cheating, but the role of mental health cannot be understated. I suffer from occasional bouts of OCD to begin with and since being in this realtionship have suffered fom major anxiety and the yo-yo syndrome, for lack of a better term In then out, etc.. I would never take my own life either, but sometimes it just seems like there is no answer in this, between the feelings of guilt, depression, etc.

    To me, a better relationship would be one where my partner would be laid back, have an even temperment. Also someone who is a little more together financially, not someone rich, just not someone who I feel like I am not gonig to have to support in every way.

    My fiancee is great in lots of ways, I don't want to make it seem like I am bashing her, I am keeping this as unbiased as I can. But I shouldn't be so unhappy when it comes to this relationship. i sometimes wonder if just winning the lottery would solve most of the problems since most of it is about finances, but we all know the odds there
    Last edited by kamurj; 01-08-2013 at 05:42 PM.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by happyfrank
    If Trained professional tells you to end it. You should. To me she sounds like she found free meal ticket.

    feel absolutely horrible and just think about her crying, being heart-broken, devestated and it just kills me. What about your happiness?

    Make sure you get Prenuptial agreement if you marry her. If it doesn't work out. She could very best tell you to sell your parents house.
    definitely get a prenup!!

    Anyway I feel like telling you not to marry her is pointless since obviously you're not going to listen. If you're not listening to your therapist you're not going to listen to a bunch of strangers on a message board.

    So I'm not sure if you did this or not, but did you have a serious conversation about her spending? I know you said you tried to do a budget with her but she didn't really adhere to it. So in my opinion, the finances seem to be the issue weighing the heaviest on you, so I would suggest putting your foot down, and not giving into her when she says things like "do you have the money for this or not". You seem to really fear her if you're afraid to tell her that you don't want to spend you're hard earned money on certain things, but I can tell you this, you will be really miserable in your marriage if you don't learn to stand up for yourself and for what you want. You're probably afraid she'll leave you if you tell her "no" but if she does leave you, you'll know she just wanted for your money anyway, if she truly loves you, she won't leave you if you don't give into her everytime she asks for something.

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