Am I over-reacting?

Wife of 4 years, is annoyed with one of my friends because we went to meet him and his group of friends at a beach (it's summer over here) but then he left early without saying goodbye. He did call back an hour later apologising to her personally, and even dropped by in the evening with a box of chocolates because she sounded upset at him on the phone. She seemed to be friendly towards him when he came over, and accepted the box of chocolates, never said anything else about him to me.

Several weeks later, he texts me inviting me to another beach outing. She takes _my_ phone and replies with "**** you" on my behalf. So I had to text him back and try to explain things.

I was quite upset because it seems that she is crossing the line by using my personal phone to text something nasty on my behalf. She completely disregards me, dismisses it as "funny" and says that she doesn't really care what he thinks. When I said that I felt embarrassed and that I didn't think it was appropriate, she just shrugged and said that I'm overreacting and that she couldn't care less and didn't want to talk to me about it.

Now she's upset with me for confronting her about it.

I felt quite hurt not because she said that to my friend, but because she did it using my phone (so it would initially seem to him that it was me saying that) and that she didn't care that doing that hurt me.

She would never have done this 4 years ago when we were dating. It's like she's not the same person any more. She has a mean streak to her and she doesn't care when she hurts.

I feel alienated and lost. How do I deal with this?

No I don't think you're overreacting, and hopefully as that is one of your friends, hopefully he can cut you some slack as you try to work through this issue.

obviously the bigger issue is why she is lashing out. There isn't much detail here, but it's clear there is something more fundamental at stake. My first reaction is that she isn't getting enough attention, or at least she *feels* like she isn't getting enough or the right kind of attention in the relationship. It's also possible that she has deep seeded anger issues from her past, and constant resentment has caused her to boil over and explode.

I would recommend trying to start a dialog, not around why she did what she did, nor around why it hurt you, but what is going on in her world. She seems upset and hurt and that you want to understand why, and listen to her. Find out if she feels happy in the relationship, does she feel fulfilled. What can the two of you do differently? What can you do differently?

And listen to what she has to say.

Your not over-reacting in the right way.

Worst case: (Very common)

This could be a budding affair.

Can you account for all of her time? Have you checked phone records?

Don't ask her!!

It's always someone close... and the hapless husband (you), is always shocked and surprised!

Best case:

You don't know what love means to a wife.

Secretly purchase Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" (Never let her see this book)

Calling and apologizing, bringing a box of chocolates --- to YOUR wife because he left a beach party w/out saying goodbye?

Something smells really, really fishy.

I think she has a crush on your best friend -- and there is nothing "funny" about her behavior.

First, put a password lock on the phone.

Second, talk to your mate -- and ask what is going on.

I would have said talk to your wife, but her complete disrespect for you would only lead to more lies.

The thought of an affair between them crossed my mind as well. Why? Because their reactions to each other are beyond normal in my book.

If I went to the beach with my bf to meet his friends, and one of his friends left without saying goodbye, so what? Why would that friend have to apologize to me specifically, unless I had hosted the event and cooked all the food or something.

And why, the next time your friend asks us BOTH to go to the beach, would I swear at him? That's just bizarre behavior. Was your wife trying to be funny? Does she pull pranks? If not, then that's weird.

Her lack of willingness to talk with you about using your phone or about how you feel is a sign that something's wrong in your marriage. As LostInMyThoughts suggested, it's time to figure out what's going on with her and what she's bothered by in your relationship.