Wedding a short time away, relationship still rocky :(

This might be kind of long, so please bear with me. I sincerely appreciate any help and advice on this. I ask if you could please not be mean or overly judgmental on this, i am opening up on a lot of things here.

I have been in a relationship for about 3 years and almost 4 months. We have been engaged since July 2011 and the wedding date is set for May 4th of this year.

It is hard to know where to even begin on this, but we have would I would describe as a volatile relationship. We have had some of the nastiest fights imaginable (nothing physical) to the point where I almost consider taking my life (would never really happen, but that is how upset I get), but we also love each other like crazy and treat each other very well at times too. We are both romantic and passionate. On the other side of the spectrum, we have both had our insecurity issues. I am often plauged by doubts if this is what I really want, but then go back and forth between that and wanting to love her and care for her for the rest of my life. I have also done things in the past I am not proud of, as far as contact with other women (which she chose to forgive me for). On her issues though, she is bossy, pushy, has bad anger issues, and controlling. She also is not that good with money. She has debt from some cosmetic surgery and lives paycheck to paycheck

The first few months of our relationship were great, although in hindsight, she might have wanted to move a little quicker than I did, but I went along for the ride. We connected on a lot of levels, same likes, great conversations, great romance and passion. I started thinking she might be the one. As we got a little deeper into it, I started to notice the tendencies mentioned above, very bossy and controlling. I started to feel unhappy over some situations we had. Rather than talk to her about it as I should have, I dealt with my stress by talking with other women online. I know that was wrong obviously, but I did not have the tools yet to communicate with her like i should have, I was afraid to confront her with my feelings since they were negative. Long story short, she found out, got understandably very upset but she eventually forgave and we worked our way through it.

Unfortunately, our relationship since then has been very rocky. I had engaged in numerous other sexual indiscreations over time. Not any outright affairs, but just things that women would not appreciate let's just say. Through it all, even though she got very angry and upset, she never broke up with me. She is attractive so it is not like she needed me to just have someone. I think she might have sensed that even though I engaged in bad behavior, it was my own sick way of dealing with my mental health and anxiety issues.

As our relationship has progressed, I eventually got my behavior in order. I haven't done anything bad in almost a year. but our relationship has still been a major challenge. I have been going to therapy for about a year and a half. We tried couple's therapy a couple times, but she backed out because she thinks I am the one with all thie issues. I know most people by this point probably think I am the villian here, but she has treated me bad numerous times. Pressure to just keep spending money in a way that gives me great anxiety, not taking no for an answer, getting way too angry for things that I am not deserving of it for.

For the marriage, the plan is for her to come to live with my in my house. I own a house with no mortgage, it used to be may parents' house, They are deceased. She wants to change many, many things. I understand and appreciate she wants to make it feel like her home too, but she has not been realistic with spending, which pretty much is all coming frm me. I am also paying for the entire wedding. I had also more than doubled the cost of her original ring when she was not happy with the first one. The financial stress has been killing me.

I have never been married before, she did once and has an 18 yo daughter. Her ex and her are suppsoedly handling school expenses, but I just found out the other day now she wants me to co-sign for her new car she wants to get, since she is giving her current one to her daughter.

The wedding is less than 4 months away. We just went through the Catholic Churches pre-marriage counseling, since i am Catholic. We did okay until the subject of finances came up. I was hesitant to disclose all my assets to her because I am uncomfortable with her knowing. I am strictly middle class if that. I have some savings, but nothing super impressive. She might consider a lot since she has basically nothing, but I believe in having some cushioning and not spending unless you really need to.

Mentally now I am a mess. We have "broken up" numerous times only to get back together again. I often think to myself I would be happier being single or in a better relationship, but I love her so darned much. I know it may not sound like it, but I really am very, very much in love with her. It's just that these issues are so tough. I have also tried to budget with her but that basically amounts to her saying "Do you have the money for this or not?" If I say I do, she thinks we are fine, but I am also concerned about what the future may bring. I don't want to hurt this woman any more than I have. Other than a few people. most people I know including my therapist tell me to end it, but every time I think I can, I feel absolutely horrible and just think about her crying, being heart-broken, devestated and it just kills me. She is moving and changing her life for me (although she is definitely not the only one making sacrifices), so I need certainty in my own head to be fair to me and to her. Any thoughts, suggestions? Sorry about the length.

you dont want to be in this relationship, you have cheated on her, you dont even sound like you like her.. why are you marrying her? Are you afraid of being alone? Is this a co-dependency issue? Nothing about what you wrote sounds like someone who is in love and wanting to spend their life with someone.

I knew the cheating thing would stick out above all other things, but it happaened a long time ago and she chose to forgive me. I stated several times in there that I love her, so I don't know why you say I don't even like her. If it is because I am describing her negatively, I am just pointing out what has happened and what the issues are. She also has many great characteristics too. If all that was happening was the good stuff, i would not be on here to get advice...

If she turned round to you and said "the wedding's off" what would you say? Would you breathe a sigh of relief or would you be utterly devastated and ask her to change her mind?

To be honest, it's as though you don't actually want to marry her but you're scared of hurting her.

Well if your therapist thinks you should end it, you might want to listen to that. He/she knows you a lot better than any of us on this board so that opinion should trump all of ours. The only thing I can add is that marriage won't solve anything so you'll still have exactly the same relationship you have now except that it will have legal and financial ramifications. You will be tied to this person and it will be much more difficult to break up. If you feel like a break up is inevitable, then you should do it before the wedding not after. I know your lives are very much intertwined and the wedding is coming up soon but you must do what is in your heart. You must put yourself first and not worry about her heartbreak. Personally, I would rather someone break up with me beforehand than go through with a wedding/marriage when they doubt our longevity as a couple. At least have a discussion with her and tell her what you're feeling. If you can't talk to her about this then you do not have the communication as a couple that you will need to sustain a long term commitment. I wish you luck and peace.

If Trained professional tells you to end it. You should. To me she sounds like she found free meal ticket.

feel absolutely horrible and just think about her crying, being heart-broken, devestated and it just kills me. What about your happiness?

Make sure you get Prenuptial agreement if you marry her. If it doesn't work out. She could very best tell you to sell your parents house.

I think it's going to VERY important to get a prenuptial agreement. It's the only way that you're going to be able to keep your parents house if/when the marriage ends. Please see an attorney before getting married!

Hello,

What sticks out most for me in hearing your situation is how hard you are on yourself, really condemning of yourself. You are very brave to reach out here for help and also all the other times you have reached out for help with your church and counseling. Also, the amount of reflection you have done is impressive, you seem like a sensitive and caring person. You do not sound like a villain at all, more like a victim, that is "trapped" in a habit of mainly pain, that ultimately will affect your health. For me, hearing you is like hearing a cry for help. You say you dont want to hurt her, but how are you hurting yourself? To move from where you are now to a better place, like any transition, is part of life and not painfree, but the choice is yours. To start with, You said you would be happier in a better relationship, describe a bit about how you imagine that relationship will be?

Thank you for your kind words and insight. You are right in that I am suffering quite a bit. I know some others may not see it because they will just foucus on the cheating, but the role of mental health cannot be understated. I suffer from occasional bouts of OCD to begin with and since being in this realtionship have suffered fom major anxiety and the yo-yo syndrome, for lack of a better term In then out, etc.. I would never take my own life either, but sometimes it just seems like there is no answer in this, between the feelings of guilt, depression, etc.

To me, a better relationship would be one where my partner would be laid back, have an even temperment. Also someone who is a little more together financially, not someone rich, just not someone who I feel like I am not gonig to have to support in every way.

My fiancee is great in lots of ways, I don't want to make it seem like I am bashing her, I am keeping this as unbiased as I can. But I shouldn't be so unhappy when it comes to this relationship. i sometimes wonder if just winning the lottery would solve most of the problems since most of it is about finances, but we all know the odds there

If Trained professional tells you to end it. You should. To me she sounds like she found free meal ticket.

 

feel absolutely horrible and just think about her crying, being heart-broken, devestated and it just kills me. What about your happiness?

 

Make sure you get Prenuptial agreement if you marry her. If it doesn't work out. She could very best tell you to sell your parents house.

definitely get a prenup!!

Anyway I feel like telling you not to marry her is pointless since obviously you're not going to listen. If you're not listening to your therapist you're not going to listen to a bunch of strangers on a message board.

So I'm not sure if you did this or not, but did you have a serious conversation about her spending? I know you said you tried to do a budget with her but she didn't really adhere to it. So in my opinion, the finances seem to be the issue weighing the heaviest on you, so I would suggest putting your foot down, and not giving into her when she says things like "do you have the money for this or not". You seem to really fear her if you're afraid to tell her that you don't want to spend you're hard earned money on certain things, but I can tell you this, you will be really miserable in your marriage if you don't learn to stand up for yourself and for what you want. You're probably afraid she'll leave you if you tell her "no" but if she does leave you, you'll know she just wanted for your money anyway, if she truly loves you, she won't leave you if you don't give into her everytime she asks for something.

My fiancee is great in lots of ways, I don't want to make it seem like I am bashing her, I am keeping this as unbiased as I can. But I shouldn't be so unhappy when it comes to this relationship. i sometimes wonder if just winning the lottery would solve most of the problems since most of it is about finances, but we all know the odds there

For some people, there is just never enough. Winning the lottery would make things worse, since you're so different when it comes to finances. I feel that you're quite in love with her, so I think it's worth repeating - please see an attorney before you get married.

It sounds as though you are crippling yourself with guilt over the cheating, worry that other people will be judging you as harshly as you judge yourself (many won't!) and are in thrall to this woman partly because of it - staying in a situation which is causing you a lot of distress and anxiety because you would feel guilty about hurting her if you pull out.

To be honest, it sounds as though she's 'forgiven' you for the cheating because you'll be financing a lifestyle that she could never have afforded on her own. You will provide a roof over her head, and a fairy tale wedding - and that's just the start. You are unhappy, you already have trust issues with her around money (and I don't blame you!) and this whole relationship sounds like one of infatuation rather than love. To have a successful long-term relationship, you need to have similar values and be on the same page when it comes to finances and other issues which will affect both of you.

It will be difficult to end it now, but at least you will have a clean break. Continue with the relationship, get married, and see how long it lasts once she knows she has a claim on your house and income...! I honestly wouldn't do it. You think she's making sacrifices for you, but this will be nothing compared to the sacrifices you will be making for her in the long term. Her giving her car to her daughter and expecting you to help pay for its replacement - with no discussion with you - should be sending out mega-warning signals to you.

The feelings of guilt and self-loathing in the short term, if you end the relationship, will be nothing compared to the price you're likely to end up paying in the long term. Take notice of your therapist. Get support in handling your own painful feelings. But do not marry this woman!

I get all that you're saying, and I feel for you and your relationship, but given all that you've written, at what point did you decide it was a good idea to propose to her and get engaged? These are the kind of issues you want to resolve before you consider marraige rather than after.

I should mention too there is some fear thrown into the mix too. She will definitely not break up with me as evidenced by it not happening by past forgivenesses. She is afraid of me leaving her, and I am to a degree too, so maybe there is some co-dependency there. During past "break-ups", she has also getten very furious, to the point I thought there might actually be physical violence form her. I am 5'10" and weigh about 260, I work out, so I am not a small guy, but the kind of fear I have is emotional and mental. She has the attitude how dare I be the one to leave after all I have done and after keeping her hanging on for so long, promising a nice wedding, etc... There are tons of conflicting feelings, mixed emotions. I know someone might think I don't love her if I fear her, but trust me, they are both legitimate feelings. She admitted to me the other night part of the reason for her anger and frustration is she can't understand how I could not want her. She has said that she has always been the one to break up her past relationships and everyone tells her I am would be a fool to not marry her.

You should focus on the cheating. Instead of communicating, you passive agressively do things to sabotage the relationship, hoping she will be the bad guy, and end things for good. And instead of liberating yourself from her, you stay just to not hurt you. I don't mean to say this as a way to mock you; you are acting like a coward.

You may love her, but love is not enough. All the issues you are experiencing now, will get so incredibly worse about 10x with marriage. And no, you don't like her. I tend to not associate with or Marry someone I would consider "bossy, pushy, controlling, and has bad anger issues." The fact that you are doubting says plenty.

It's not too late to avoid your eventual divorce, which she will bleed you dry like a succubus. You are unhappy; she doesn't make you happy. And yes...she does need you. Crazy tends to want to forgive others, just to stay in the relationship that is definitely not working out. It's not working out...you're cheating on her (and will again). Listen to your body if you won't listen to what you are saying in your head.

Honestly, if love was enough, divorces wouldn't run so high and heavy.

And, did you post under a different User ID? Your story sounds exactly the same as another Poster here.

And not sure why you would be a fool to marry her. No one else wanted to...for a reason.

Oh, and no, my hubby and I do not cause each other emotional distress, and nor should any relationship that is working.

She admitted to me the other night part of the reason for her anger and frustration is she can't understand how I could not want her. She has said that she has always been the one to break up her past relationships and everyone tells her I am would be a fool to not marry her.

I get the feeling that she feels entitled to the big wedding, the paid-for house and the car, because she had "put in the time." And it's really black and white thinking because of course you "want" her, otherwise you'd have broken up with her by now.

Are you sure that she's not pulling a fit just to get you to tow the line? It's almost like she's trying to distract you from the real problem here - her financial irresponsibility.

I get the feeling that she feels entitled to the big wedding, the paid-for house and the car, because she had "put in the time." And it's really black and white thinking because of course you "want" her, otherwise you'd have broken up with her by now.

 

Are you sure that she's not pulling a fit just to get you to tow the line? It's almost like she's trying to distract you from the real problem here - her financial irresponsibility.

Could be, there does seem to be some sense of entitlement there. She has always told me that she was raised where the woman takes care of the house, cooks, cleans and the man is the breadwinner. Sounds a bit antiquated, I know. She would be working too and would supposedly contribute to some of the bills. It's just that whole cooking/cleaning thing never really meant that much to me. Maybe it does to some guys, but I want someone that puts my mental and emotional health before anything else and that is bringing something to the table, not neccesarily money, but does not manipulate me. I get upset as I thnk of all this. I go from love, to sadness, depression, anger and back again. Kind of frustrating, like an emotional roller coaster.

You are being very honest and open here, again that is a great quality. I think anyone experiencing what you have with her, and being as sensitive as you are, is going to feel anxiety and victimized by someone else's consistent anger and blow ups. Most people would feel like a yo-yo in that environment you have described. Likewise I think you know you cant change her, she can only change herself, as only you can change your life. You are doing that by merely discussing it now.

How do you want to feel?

What can you do next time you are drawn into her negative energy?

You are wondering if money will solve the problem, but again winning the lottery is not something you can control. How would money make her more laid back and have an even temperament, when you are not only supporting her financially but it sounds like also supporting her psychologically?

You have taken a great step in stating what you want, a partner that is laid back and has an even temperament. If you are yourself, (and it sounds like you are) laid back and even tempered, by deciding to be that yourself each moment, you will attract that type of person towards you, but that would also mean deciding you no longer want to accept that other negative energy around you for your own happiness and well being. How would that make you feel?

Well. that would me feel good, but also terrified at the same time. I have been in this relationship for so long, I don't know how I am going to handle exiting. I know it sounds pretty weak of me to say that, but keep in mind my various mental issues I have mentioned. Ending this relationship would affect me as much as her.

She sounds like my ex-fiancee. Trust me the closer it gets to wedding date the worse it will get. Do what I did call it off and run for the hills. If I married my ex it would, without a doubt in my mind, have ended in a divorce. Cut your losses while you can or at the very least as other's have said get a prenuptial agreement to protect yourself. I personally think she is going to try to get everything she can out of you and when there is nothing left, she will be gone. I had flashbacks to that relationship as I read your post.

She sounds like my ex-fiancee. Trust me the closer it gets to wedding date the worse it will get. Do what I did call it off and run for the hills. If I married my ex it would, without a doubt in my mind, have ended in a divorce. Cut your losses while you can or at the very least as other's have said get a prenuptial agreement to protect yourself. I personally think she is going to try to get everything she can out of you and when there is nothing left, she will be gone. I had flashbacks to that relationship as I read your post.

How long were you engaged for? How soon before the wedding did you call it off? How did you do it and how was her reaction?

Sorry for the barrage of questions but yours is the kind of post I need to see!

I agree you shouldn't marry her, but if you're not wanting to totally shut it down right now, why not put the wedding on hold. Even if you have spent some money on it already do the best you can to reclaim some of it. By telling her you are having doubts and wanting to wait you might just get the real answer into what her true reasons are for marrying you. Her reaction could tell you A LOT!

I am not a trained therapist, and my advice would be to speak with a therapist to help work through all your thoughts and emotions...but you have mentioned you already have, and the advice the therapist gave you was to leave the relationship BEFORE you get married. That's exactly the same advice I would have given - and will still give, only I will add to that by saying "LISTEN to your therapist and break up with her NOW".

To me, the key issues that are standing out to me here are: her forgiving you for cheating, and her financial instability (as well as your admitted mental instability).

When it comes to cheating, you know you screwed up and there are not excuses for what you did - you know that. But she has chosen to forgive you. If the relationship was otherwise relatively healthy, it might be said that she forgave you because of a genuine desire to work on the relationship because you both do love each other. However, having read your full post, it sounds like she forgave you not out of love, but out of need. She needs you to support her. You said she is in debt over a plastic surgery and lives paycheque to paycheque, yes? You are financing the entire wedding, giving her a place to live, etc. etc. This is NOT a good start.

Most marriages end not because of infidelity, but because of finances. You are a saver, and she is a spender. In many cases this isn't a major problem, as couples often find a compromise between their two natures (I am a spender my husband is a saver, but we work together on it and communicate - sometimes he will splurge and other times I listen to his wisdom and will refrain). However, we are moderates on that scale. I don't spend money I don't have, nor do I bully my husband into doing or buying things that we truly cannot afford. It sounds like she is on the extreme end of that and sees you not as a partner that is an equal to her, but as someone who can offer financial security and stability.

The biggest red flag I see here is your own reluctance to disclose your financial assets. If you are married then you will NEED to do this in order for the marriage to work. I have $50 000 in student debt. My husband knew that going in. We both see each other's pay stubs and we have a joint savings account. I know his pin number for his debit card and he knows mine. We are 100% honest about all purchases. There is no room for surprises. If you are afraid to disclose just how much you have for fear of being taken advantage of, then a pre nup should be signed at the very least, but more specifically I think you should NOT be getting married.

Once you marry, your finances (and financial troubles) become joint in the eyes of the government. Now this will vary depending on where you live, but should the relationship end in divorce (and it sounds like it will), your assets may end up being divided and she may get more than she walked in with. Your house that was left to you could end up on that list. Do you really want to risk that???

When I got married, people kept asking me if I was nervous or if I had any doubts. I was a bit nervous about the whole ceremony/reception, etc. but I did not have a single doubt.

NOT ONE.

I didn't question whether I was doing the right thing, or whether the relationship was good for me. I knew deep down that it was a good situation. I went in without regrets. Our relationship is not without problems - every relationship has problems, but I still don't regret what I did - there are NO doubts.

If you are this worried a few months out, that is your gut trying to tell you this IS NOT right. You should listen to it.

So I have been thinking about what it would be like if I tried to end it, and I am just overwhelmed with negative emotions - fear, major guilt, anxiety. I know breaking up is never easy, but this is feeling like an uphill battle while carrying a ton of weight. Not really sure how I am going to go about this.

^^^ You will be feeling the above way, only 1000x worse, when that divorce comes.

You don't sound perfect but your fiance sounds greedy. She wants nice things, a nice ring, but does she care about what it's doing to you? Would she stand by you if you got laid off and couldn't finance her any more?? Or would she go after the next gravy train??

I know women like your fiance. Quite simply, they are never ever happy and always want more more more, because the things they want are all artificial and they keep thinking about what they DON'T have versus what they DO have.