Boyfriend cancels plans all the time, how to explain it without "overreacting"

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 5 or 6 months. Everything is going great, we get along well. The only problem is that he bails on our plans all the time, and it's getting frustrating.

I'm very busy, I work 3 jobs, I volunteer, I babysit my nephew when my sister is in a jam, I have pets, etc., but I always make time for him. I always move my schedule around so we can have dates and hang out. But lately, he's been cancelling plans all over the place. Last week, we had plans to go to dinner and a movie because we didn't see each other much over Christmas, and he cancelled because he had a hangover from the night before. The other night, he was supposed to come over after work and sleep over, but he cancelled because he had a headache. I was supposed to sleep over at his place this weekend, but he just cancelled on me today (I don't know the reason yet).

My question is: am I overreacting, or is this a legitimate concern? Whenever I bring it up to him ("I know you have a life outside this relationship, but it bothers me when you cancel our plans last minute"), he always says things like "Whoa, calm down, you're overreacting, it's just one date". I just don't know how to talk to him and make him understand how annoying this is, without him telling me I'm overreacting.

(I know, in the long run, this isn't that big of a deal, but it's really getting on my nerves and stressing me out. I'm just so busy and I rearrange my schedule to see him. When he cancels, I end up sitting at home by myself, when I could have been out with my friends or visiting family, which I don't get to do often)

Actually, I think this is a big deal. Cancelling plans every now and then is one thing, but this sounds like a lot (and his excuses are piss poor).

And what's more alarming to me is his reaction to you when you've confronted him about this. Overreacting, really?

I think you should back off immediately and let him do the leg work of initiating plans. Make yourself scarce and bump him down the priority list. See how he responds--and if he doesn't step up to bat, you might want to reconsider this relationship.

I agree with camus. It is very disrespectful. What his actions suggest is that he thinks your time is unimportant - and by extension, that means he thinks you are also unimportant.

In your place I would tell him that if he does it again, he can find someone else to treat badly.

"Everything is going great, we get along well. The only problem is that he bails on our plans all the time, and it's getting frustrating. "

How can it be going great if you don't see him? You're 5 months in and this shouldn't be an issue at this point. Perhaps if he had an ill relative or something, but for a hangover? Please. Any normal guy would want to sleep off a hangover having a cuddle with his girlfriend.

He's not that into you so you need to back off and make him realise what he'll lose, and if he doesn't respond then he's getting what he was trying to do in a backhand way.

This is very disrespectful. His excuses are pathetic aswell. He knows you two are suppose to be meeting the next day but he decides to go and drink too much so he has a hangover (and he is aware he will get a hangover)? Looks like you are number 47 of his list of important people/things in life. Im sure he wouldn't be happy if this was the other way around.

Thanks for the quick advice, guys. I think you're right, I need to back off a bit and make him do the leg work. It's weird because he has always been adamant about me meeting his family. He invited me over to Christmas eve, Christmas Day and his sister's birthday. I went every time. But when I invited him to my parents house to meet my family, he refused to go. I don't get it. He only likes to do things on his schedule, I guess.

We do usually end up seeing each other once or twice a week, but it's always a mad dash at the last second. I try to make plans in advance, like "What are you doing next Saturday?", but he always refuses and says "I don't know yet, I'll let you know." It seems like when someone "better" doesn't make plans with him, he'll come to me as the back up choice. It's annoying as hell.

Honey these are serious flags and you should be honest with him about how you feel/how you will not accept it.

Yes, very big deal. It will continue as long as you tolerate it / pretend it isn't.

This would upset me as well; it sounds like he's pretty young and would rather go drinking than hang out with you. Is he a big partier?

I know how you feel same thing happened to me, Im a guy, plans where canceld last min because she was tired or something on tv she wanted to watch, then when I got anoyed Id get the silent treatment and short texts for a week, we'd only see eachother once every 2 weeks if I was lucky, anyway I got dumped and her tiredness and priority shows on tv seem to have left as she was always out, I think its when there loosing interest but still want you hanging on a string for whatever reason they need you for, be less available

You aren't a priority in his life. Back off and see what happens, either he will come running when he realizes that something is different or he'll move on seemingly and you will have your answer.

This would upset me as well; it sounds like he's pretty young and would rather go drinking than hang out with you. Is he a big partier?

He's no more of a partier than me. We are both kind of young (24), but I never let my friends interfere with my time with him. If he and I are going to the movies and my friends ask me to go party, I'll say "Sorry, I'm busy with my boyfriend tonight" and we schedule a different time to hang out. But if he and I are going to the movies and his friends ask him to party, he bails on me and goes with them. He says it's because he can see me whenever he wants, but he doesn't get to see his friends as often. Maybe I'm being too accommodating.

The "drama" has already started. This morning, when he cancelled our sleep over for this weekend, I said "That sucks, we haven't seen each other in a bit", he said "Ugh, calm down" and that was the end of the conversation. It's especially frustrating because I have a dog, and I asked my parents to babysit so that I could sleep over at his place. Now mine AND my parents plans are messed up because of him bailing.

It sounds like he doesn't care much about the relationship. His friends are more important to him than you. You're not overreacting at all, and it's not just one date, it's many.. it sounds like you always get stuck with these guys who do rude stuff and then try to convince you it's your fault, which it usually never is (or at least it doesn't sound like it from the outside).

...which it usually never is (or at least it doesn't sound like it from the outside).

That's why I made this thread, I'm trying to figure that out. When he cancelled on the movie/dinner and then the sleepover, I didn't say anything to him because I didn't want to overreact. We have fought about this before and I've been trying to do my part and not get so upset over cancelled plans every once in a while. But 3 cancelled dates in 1 week seems excessive.

I tried talking to him about it, and he is convinced that having a hangover is a completely legitimate reason to bail on our plans, even though we had those plans for weeks. The conversation ended him with saying "Fine, if you don't want me to cancel plans so often, I'll just not hang out with you as much anymore." I'm just getting tired of it.. I feel like I'm trying so hard for this relationship and I'm just last place in his life.

The conversation ended him with saying "Fine, if you don't want me to cancel plans so often, I'll just not hang out with you as much anymore.".

Wow. I think the only appropriate response to that is, "I'll do you one better--you won't have to worry about seeing me at all anymore."

Three cancelled dates in one week is too much. From him saying he's not going to hang out with you as much anymore, he shows how much he really cares about this relationship. I'd almost guess he might be seeing other women, or at least looking.

Seems he prefers a hangover to hanging out with you.

Have you considered the idea that he is checking out of this relationship?

Have you considered the idea that he is checking out of this relationship?

I don't think that's the case, because this has been a problem from the beginning. Like I said, we get along great, it's just this one issue keeps coming up and driving me crazy. It confuses me because only two days ago, he gave me this speech about how my ex was an idiot for letting me go and how much he cares about me etc etc., but then he goes and does the one thing that he knows bothers me more than anything (bailing on plans). I don't get it. I think it all boils down to immaturity. We are the same age, but it's clear that he is more immature and irresponsible than me, and that really gets on my nerves sometimes.

I don't think that's the case, because this has been a problem from the beginning. Like I said, we get along great, it's just this one issue keeps coming up and driving me crazy. It confuses me because only two days ago, he gave me this speech about how my ex was an idiot for letting me go and how much he cares about me etc etc., but then he goes and does the one thing that he knows bothers me more than anything (bailing on plans). I don't get it. I think it all boils down to immaturity. We are the same age, but it's clear that he is more immature and irresponsible than me, and that really gets on my nerves sometimes.

Yeah. Maybe he would be rude and uncaring in any relationship..

I'm going to give it a few days, then talk to him. His sister invited me and him to her house this weekend. I won't initiate much contact with him until then, and we'll see what happens. He tends to ignore me when we have an argument, so I doubt anything will get resolved until we see each other in person on Sunday.

Sounds like my ex. After 31/2 years he canceled out wedding as well. I don't know why I ever thought he could commit to a wedding when he couldn't commit to dinner.

If I could do it all over again, I would have been stern about it, I would have told him that a headache, bad day at work, hurt back, feeling tired... Wasn't a valid excuse. I would have broken up with him at strike three and moved on.

He tends to ignore me when we have an argument, so I doubt anything will get resolved until we see each other in person on Sunday.

This behavior is not ok. Of course you both need some time to cool off, but after an hour or two (next day at the latest) it's time to forgive and hopefully resolve the issue. Ignoring for several days shows how unwilling he is to work on problems. He does this bc he hopes you'll just drop it so that you can see him again.

This behavior is not ok. Of course you both need some time to cool off, but after an hour or two (next day at the latest) it's time to forgive and hopefully resolve the issue. Ignoring for several days shows how unwilling he is to work on problems. He does this bc he hopes you'll just drop it so that you can see him again.

You're exactly right. He does this every time - we argue, he ignores me, then I miss him so I apologize and come crawling back to him. I'm not going to do that this time. It's hard, because I know all I have to do is say "I'm sorry, I was wrong" and smile, and it'll all be over with. But I'm too pissed to cave this time.

Way too much drama for a short amount of time. He should want to see you all the time in the honeymoon phase. How do you get on grear if he never sees you and is disrespectfull of your feelings?

what are you getting out of this? he gets his cake and eats it too because he can see you whenever he wants but if something more fun comes out he can ditch you with no repurcusions

I think hes checking out personally...his reaction to you speaks of someone that doesn't care if he has you or not

You deserve more