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Do Walkaway Wives (spouses) ever find happiness?


ABetterLifeAwaits

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Much has been said about Walkaway Wife Syndrome (WAW) on these boards. Much of what is said also applies to men (hense the acronym WAS).

 

I have a question. Does the WAS/ WAW go on to find true happiness in their next relationship, or are there future relationships fraught with the same dysfunction? I would think if the WAW never seeks counseling or even admits their contribution to the problems in the relationship over the years (this may be impossible for them, btw because part of their illness is NEVER admitting their actions or decisions could ever be wrong), then they are most likely just looking for a "replacement" spouse to fill the void left from being alone. Many WAW have narcissistic tendencies and thus, they need to have fuel for their egos. And, new relationships can give them the attention they are craving.

 

So, if you know of any WAWs who went on to new relationships, how are those faring? I would think that while they are in the "honeymoon phase" they are going strong, but once the bloom falls off the rose & everyday ho-hum of the relationship sets in, they may in for a real shock.

 

What say you, victims of the WASs? Did your ex end up having the same (or other) issues? And, how long does it take for the honeymoon period to end in their new relationship?

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And, how long does it take for the honeymoon period to end in their new relationship?

 

The thing is that I think a lot of people who have been the dumpee (or friends or supporters of said dumpee) say this ^^^ to make themselves feel better. We never want to believe that someone could be happier in another relationship- that someone else might be a better fit for them. I don't think that everyone is doomed to repeat the same behavior. Maybe they just walked away from that relationship because that relationship wasn't right for them. I don't think that every relationship has a "wake up call", so to speak. I don't think it's a given that if someone walks away from a marriage that they will date someone, only to walk away after the initial excitement fades. They may just go on to a new relationship that is a better fit for them in which they are happier and feel no desire to walk away. But, many people either don't want their ex to be happy or don't want to believe it's possible for their ex to be happier without them or simply admit that they might work better as a couple with someone else.

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What is your definition of a Walk Away Wife? Any wife that leaves? Anyone who leaves a relationship has not just thought about it for one day. Maybe there were lots of problems that you chose to ignore also, hence thinking she just up and walked away from it all and you are shocked.

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As it pertains to women, I think the term “walk-away” helps explain an overall increase in wife initiated separations/infidelity/divorce.

 

I too, don’t think it’s rushed/causal when a wife chooses to leave her marriage.

 

Honeymoon… if the same mistakes are repeated, the same results can be expected.

 

 

Instead of hoping this or that for your wife: review your mistakes made.

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Red, I don't disagree with anything you said. Relationships end. It happens. I am talking about a very specific, well researched syndrome. Where the dumpee has serious emotional dysfunction. It has been discussed extensively on these threads and elsewhere.

 

The true WAW is a different breed altogether. They often look like they are having mid-life crises. They abruptly check out. They often have affairs and act completely different than they have their entire lives. They develop an insatiable ego need and have zero remorse or compassion about how their decisions impact their dumped spouse and/ or children & will blame everyone but themselves for their woes. Who I speak of is quite different than the garden-variety definition of WAW.

 

Abit, I don't have a definition per se. I am agreeing with the one that is discussed on this board & others. As for problems in my marriage before I found out about her adultery. Sure, a few here in there. Bickering back & forth about this & that and an occasional blow up here & there, but I asked her if she felt we needed counseling (always answered with no) & I literally worshipped the ground she walked on (which was probably an issue, btw). She was a classic bored stay-at-home Mom who had everything, over time devalued it, but still wanted more. I was far from perfect, but I know we were happy. I'd have to have been delusional if the marriage was in bad shape & missed it.

 

Les, I agree with you. I made some mistakes, sure, who doesn't. Oh course I will work on me. I lived & learned. Time to move on. Hopefully you won't blame me for wanting to better understand her psyche. I was happily married for 13 years to the love of my life. We were millionaires, had two perfect children & lived in a mansion. After learning of her affair, she blamed me because she wasn't happy in the relationship. Huh? What? That's messed up on so many levels. Ultimately though, I have to have enough self-esteem to realize the women developed a huge character flaw over the years (hey, maybe she had it all along) & move on already. It's hard though because 99% of my memories are awesome. I had a truly blessed life for 13 years. It produced 2 beautiful children & I will always love them & will be the best Dad I can be. Oh, & I am not hoping anything for her either way, really. What happens to her is up to her now. I am just curious to see if there is a pattern with the WAWs after the carnage they leave behind. I know that 70% of remarriages end in divorce, so it wouldn't be a stretch to suppose that would be her fate (I do NOT wish that on her).

 

My question may be a little too specific for the casual reader. I asking about the true WAW, not just a wife who left the marriage.

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Still,

 

Your understanding of the term as we have used here in many of threads is correct. I am not here to to try and explain it again to those who refuse to acknowledge the differences in these cases and more standard divorces initiated by the wife. I have done so so many times. Most of us here, that find ourselves in the WAS scenario, have objectivately examined our mistakes and shortcomings in our marriages. Usually pounding ourselves with blame and comdemnation. I will state it for the cheap seats, the other spouse has radically changed. Has become vengeful, resentment, unreasonable, selfish, withdrawn, irrational, and compassionless. We have grown to be more aware human beings. Can the WAS claim the same? Which may be the point of your thread.

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Still, ignore my comments about wa. My near divorce immersed me into a madding soup of information. It’s not/was not fair for me to make assumptions based only the wa label. I will purchase JB's book so I can have a better understanding.

 

Speaking of soup…

I too made a lot of money and had most of the material “must haves”. One of my earliest (man), reactions to my wife’s desired exit was similar to yours.

After our reconciliation I needed a new car and proceeded to review my usual short list of expensive European cars.

On the way to a dealership I thought to myself, “here I go again”, trying to be someone I’m not. A week latter, I pulled into the driveway with a used Japanese compact! (I wish you could have seen the look of my wife’s face!)

 

Still – The crucible can help you get back to happy; which of course makes people around you happy!

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No worries Lester. I'm thrilled you & your wife worked things out. While I have finally made the conscious decision to face the reality that I am now divorced & my wife is gone, from time to time I still allow myself to think about what could have been if she would have stayed faithful & tried to honestly work on any problems she was having with our relationship.

 

I will be fine, my ex will hopefully be fine, but I worry about my two little angels and the family times they will miss out on as well as having to suffer through any stigma that may be placed against them by others.

 

I pray everyday for God to watch over them (and my ex).

 

And, I can imagine the look on your wife's face! I always had basic cars (but they were new) & my ex hated them. All my cars were company cars and were free but she would have been happier if i would have driven a Mercedes, BMW, etc.

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I still allow myself to think about what could have been if she would have stayed faithful & tried to honestly work on any problems she was having with our relationship.

 

It is NEVER a situation where one person has all these issues and it is up to them to work on themselves while the other person in the relationship is perfect and flawless. Its why did you not work TOGETHER on the relationship issues. When you get to that point of looking at your part in the marriage instead of that she was this bundle of problems that just walked away instead of dealing with them and you were the absolute perfect husband for her at all times and don't have any baggage of your own - the healing happens.

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It is NEVER a situation where one person has all these issues and it is up to them to work on themselves while the other person in the relationship is perfect and flawless. Its why did you not work TOGETHER on the relationship issues. When you get to that point of looking at your part in the marriage instead of that she was this bundle of problems that just walked away instead of dealing with them and you were the absolute perfect husband for her at all times and don't have any baggage of your own - the healing happens.

 

abit, Um, I confused by your post. Earlier in the thread, I stated, "I made some mistakes, sure, who doesn't", and "I asked her if she felt we needed counseling (always answered with no)". I never said I was perfect or flawless at all.

 

And, let's not forget, she committed adultery..."if she would have stayed faithful"

 

Like JB said, we victims of WAWs have spent a tremendous amount of time reflecting back on every little thing we may have done to contribute to our WAWs actions and we want(ed) to work TOGETHER. Working together requires two people. WAWs don't care to work things out, that's why they walk. It's a part of their dysfunction.

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Ok, it would seem that my question was answered as much as it can ever be in the Relationship With X thread. The "clinical" version of WAW was discussed in that thread at length by the men who lived through the aftermath for several years. For those who care, the answer (no surprise here) is... it depends.

 

Depending on their level of dysfunction, I assume some go on to be better off, remarry & live "happily ever after" (although that has not been reported in the thread).

 

Many will repeat their behaviors, especially if they have not addressed their issues. The thing with the WAW is that most think "they're fine" and in reality they are not. Their out of control egos doom them to a life of trying to satisfy their need for an ego "fix" and will seek replacement after replacement, repeating the same mistakes.

 

In the worst case scenario, those with children expose their kids to a lifetime of issues. Some of the train wreck WAWs have turned out to have serious issues.

 

As for my ex, I sure hope she gets some help. Her latest BF seems to be an okay guy, as far as I can tell. He's crazy about her (his ex weighed 300 lbs). She is 9 years younger than him & she's model gorgeous. She seems smitten as well but her condition makes her easily attracted to the attention he's giving her.

 

As for getting back together with a WAW, it seems highly unlikely, sadly. It is reported to occur, but this WAW is typically one whose life has spiraled out of control & then they realize their exes were the best thing that ever happened to them and they apologize for their behaviors/ affairs, etc. and try to reconcile.

 

Overall, it would appear that due to their dysfunctional egos, most will never look back.

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Ha ha ha ha...

So...

I've been mostly off the boards for about a month having a personal meltdown and crisis. My wife is a WAW almost certainly. I spent a *very* long time fixing me to make me worthy for her to stay and the goal line continually moved out of reach. Add to that her EA that she refuses to acknowledge (they're "just friends") even when confronted with the fact that I did read her e-mail and phone and spelled out how her RS with the OM is evolving: Playdates -> coffee nights -> dinner.

 

* No remorse.

* I'm the bad guy for snooping because I obviously don't trust her.

* Finally once I flat out said "I've done everything you asked of me and more" and listed off every demand she made I got the "It's not you, it's me" talk.

* In MFT (went for 4 months) As long as we were working on my issues, and what was wrong with me she would keep going. As soon as things started to work towards some of her issues *bang* MFT stopped, we got 1 and 1/2 sessions in of working on her issues.

* She told me Christmas eve that she's done and we're through for sure. Then got mad because I was quietly crying while I wrapped "Santa presents" for the kids.

* Complete lack of compassion or empathy, even when her daughter (9) is greifing her about what she's doing; she just sends our daughter to her room.

Here is the kicker:

* tries to hide all this as much as possible from everyone at the kids school (tight knit group) and family and friends. Except for the OM who is a recently divorced dad at the school. I tried talking to one of the other dads for support and she went ballistic.

 

All in all I've come to realize that I need to be good to me. I'm moving out, we're separating, I plan on divorcing, and I have a female friend that is in a similar enough boat as me, neither of us want to date anymore, but want a close friend that we can confide in, who will hug us when we're down, whatever. So, we're going to form a "Jilted Ex's club"

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nbr,

 

Sorry that you find yourself in the same position that many of us have found ourselves in. It is an irrational, surreal world that makes no sense to anyone. Making no sense does not seem to bother the WAS. It is the ultimate Catch-22. From just the examination of the radical change in their behavior and mind-set, I defy anyone to show me that these Walkaways are not suffering from some major emotional dysfunction.

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Oh, I agree completely. If you read all my posting history you'll find I took 100% blame for everything to try to get her to stay, therapy, basically *everything* I had for 6 months to win her back.

Then she pounds me on christmas eve that we're done and guess what... we are. I gave up, burnt out for trying. Now today she's not even remembering christmas eve...

 

Eff it, I'm bouncing as soon as it is reasonably possible.

-nbr

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I can relate a story, although it's not my own so a lot of details will be missing. About 5-6 years ago my cousin starting having an affair with one of her sons friends dads. When her husband found out and confronted her she left him and their 3 boys cold turkey, she didn't even fight for partial custody. Eventually she did seek custody, and I'm not sure what changed her mind, but now they have joint custody. What she did was so cold that even her mom and sister (my aunt and cousin) broke off contact with her and took her husbands side 100%. She turned her back on them, and accused everybody of not understanding her and not being supportive to her needs. The new guy was married as well, but from what we understand he was a bit of a dog and had at least an unspoken understanding with his wife. My cousins husband blew the lid on the whole thing and eventually new guy got a divorce as well, and my cousin married him (her "soul mate") soon after.

 

Since then things have settled into a dysfunctional new normal. My aunt and my other cousin are in contact with my cousin again and interacting with her new family to a degree, although their priority from start to finish are her 3 boys and what's best for them. My cousin and her ex husband are bitterly doing everything they can to hurt each other still. Her 2 younger boys seem to be doing ok but her oldest is really bearing the brunt of all of this. She's still extremely selfish and is demanding that her oldest son prioritize her over everything else in his life. In turn he has a bitter relationship with her and seems to be screwing himself over to get at her (he's very bright and capable but seems to be almost deliberately doing poorly in school).

 

As for her, it's hard for me to say with any specifics about how she's doing, but as far as I can tell, she's doing reasonably well all be it with heavy drama. The common thread I find with the other stories I see here is extreme selfishness and a total lack of empathy for others involved. In my cousins case it's well understood that she has serious issues going back through her whole life. She's put her mom through hell many times over her life. She's never had help from a professional so it's hard to say what's really going on with her, but clearly something not right. She may just be a true sociopath.

 

I think if WAW is a real phenomenon serious mental dysfunction is the common thread. As far as the answer to the question how to walk away wives fare in the long run, I can only speak for my cousins case, but she seems to be doing alright, but remains an awful, and extremely selfish person. Her mom and sister are the only ones in the family that are still a part of her life, and I think that's mostly for the boys sake. Everyone else wants nothing to do with her. What effect this has on her I don't know, but I can't imagine it bothers her too much.

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Thanks Scary for the perspective. I've learned since I have researched the WAS that trying to figure them out is kind of fruitless. Since they don't/ can't show compassion or remorse & their selfishness is immeasurable, they are just about a lost cause. Just like a Narcassist, the best thing to do learn from the experience & move on. NC doesn't seem to have quite the same effect on them as others, especially if they're in another relationship. In my experience, they seldom miss their former spouses the way others might because they've devalued their former ego "supplies" so much that they no longer feel anything towards them. I guess I understand this now, because they are incapable of these emotions. It's really a weird experience to try to understand them.

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Thanks Scary for the perspective. I've learned since I have researched the WAS that trying to figure them out is kind of fruitless. Since they don't/ can't show compassion or remorse & their selfishness is immeasurable, they are just about a lost cause. Just like a Narcassist, the best thing to do learn from the experience & move on. NC doesn't seem to have quite the same effect on them as others, especially if they're in another relationship. In my experience, they seldom miss their former spouses the way others might because they've devalued their former ego "supplies" so much that they no longer feel anything towards them. I guess I understand this now, because they are incapable of these emotions. It's really a weird experience to try to understand them.

 

The part where you mention how the WAS seldom miss their ex's is very interesting. They have to devalue their ex-partners in order to make the great "journey" away from them. They justify their departure by making the other party responsible for all of the emotional pain they are experiencing (which usually continues the rest their lives). The internal turmoil they are going through has to have a cause. The greatest emotional connection (and the most vulnerable) you will ever feel is that which you have with your intimate partner. Therefore it must be causing it and in order "feel better" they need to break this connection. To break such a strong connection, make the partner out to be a terrible person, incable of changing or helping them. This creates the compulsion to exit the relationship. The compulsion is so overwhelming that no reasoning or discussion will be allowed to enter their minds. In other words, My connection with my partner is causing me all of my unhappiness so I must run and then I wll be happy again. Unfortuneately, the same emotional problems are still there after they leave and they will continue to deal with the world in this way, the problems will just keep surfacing.

 

My X still continues to blame me for her troubles, especially with her estranged relationship with her sons.

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John, once again you have provided excellent thoughts for consideration.

 

I have some questions about your ex. Did she find another man? Did she get remarried? If so, how long after your divorce did she remarry? As best as you can tell, how's that marriage/ relationship going? Is she making the same mistakes?

 

While we cannot predict with any accuracy exactly what paths our exes will follow in their next relationships (too many variables, etc), I wonder if they will follow certain basic patterns. As for my WAW, she immediately sought male companionship sampling several(5) men in a 4 month period, finally settling with one who is also divorced, has 3 kids, is my age, and interestingly enough, got divorced because his ex cheated on him (just as my ex did to me).

 

They have been together for 6 months now & from what my therapist tells me, that relationship is statistically doomed. Per the therapist, my ex did not allow for any self-reflection time after a 13 year marriage. Apparently the statistics are grim unless enough time and/ or therapy passes between divorce & the next serious relationship. Even the mentally healthiest person needs to reflect on what went wrong, their contribution to the divorce, etc. before jumping into another one. But, the typical WAW is far from mentally healthy. So, I suppose it's not surprising that mine charged forward in order to either justify in her mind that it was somehow all my fault for her unhappiness or to fill the void left after having a partner for 13 years all of a sudden gone. And, there's the need to fuel her insatiable ego. The actual reason may be a combination of these things. It will take me years on this sight to determine if there's any kind of pattern with "what they do next".

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Been reading this thread with interest.

Your stories are not unfamiliar to me at all. Variation on a theme perhaps, but same storyline.

 

My wife initiated an emotional connection with another man before she walked out of our marriage. Legally we are still married, and we still live in the same house, but we are glorified room mates. I am blamed and shamed repeatedly for anything that's wrong in the house. My fault that the kids homework isn't done, or my fault the house is not clean enough to have friends over, or my fault that she's late to dropping off the kids at school. Yet, just last night while my son was out with his grandfather (her dad) she was laying in bed with my daughter watching a movie, but my daughter has about 5 pages of homework due Tuesday... I do what I can around the house, but often it's not good enough, and I'm the one working 40+ hours a week, she stays home, orders stuff on-line, then complains I spend too much money on lunch in the company cafe (between $4 and $8/day).

So, yes, while I am not without fault, in her eyes I am the only one at fault. In MFT sessions she would attend while the focus was on my failings, but once the focus turned her direction *bam* she's outta there, and calls the therapist all sorts of names.

The good part is I am working on an exit plan. Already have a new bank account that I can funnel any overtime into. Now to settle living arrangements and get her to actually sign a custody and support agreement.

-nbr

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X never did re-marry. Did have a boyfriend but only a couple of years after she left. More of a friend boyfriend. My X's father, just before I met her, walked out suddenly on the family when her younger sister reached 18. Any pattern? Her mother never really has had a boyfriend in the thirty years I have known her. She lives alone, has money, and is content that way. Many females in my X's family live in this way.

 

As for what they do next, they will continue their dysfunctional way of dealing with the world. Very few ever see through their own thinking processes and behavior.

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