*Sigh*

Here I am again.

I am completely devastated. Short summary I am 24 been married almost 5 years with a 3 year old. I am enrolled in school and have gotten my license and moving ahead with my plans of a better life. My husband and I have many issues communication, sex life, his constant need to keep his social life instead of being with his family. I have tried to fix my marriage, we haven't tried counseling as he refuses. We have been working on our issues other ways and I thought things were ok.

Yesterday I found a message on his Facebook to a girl saying when were they going to meet up and that he wanted to hug kiss and caress her. (Only reason I saw it is because his email is linked to his Facebook so he gets all his notifications on his email which is linked to my phone because I look for and apply to jobs for him- long story). Anyhow I confronted him about this and he said it was his ex and that it was a joke because someone told him that she still cares for him. I can't believe the load of crap he told me and my gut tells me he cheated or had the intent of cheating. It's not the first time I catch this, about a month ago I caught him answering ads on craigslist in the personals. He gave me a lame excuse that I forgave. I feel so lost and sad and alone. I can't talk to anyone without getting a biased opinion. But in my heart I feel like I need to end this now because if I find out he cheated i will be crushed and I will be bitter. I'm afraid this relationship will end badly because we have a daughter and I will always have to be in his life.

I feel like if he feels so strongly about his ex then he should be happy, and let me be happy wherever that may be. I dont know if I can trust him anymore. I don't know if I'm overreacting?? Please help.

Based on that message, I'd move on. Don't you feel cheated on already?

Yes!! I definitely do. It makes me terribly sad, but I have to stay strong and I can't show outwardly how hurt I am. (Visiting my family for New Years) which gives me even more uncertainty about his activity as of late. I don't know what's worse his excuse of it just being a joke or the fact that he has never ever talked to me the way he talked to her in that message.

I just want to know that I'm not overreacting. But I don't know that I can trust him anymore. What kind of relationship can we have if I would feel compelled to go thru his phone or Facebook.

Why can't you show how hurt you are? That's not good.

You are not overreacting. You know his line about it being a "joke" is a bunch of BS. You know you need to dump him.

I'm visiting my family and I don't want them involved in all this. They already don't like him.

I'm visiting my family and I don't want them involved in all this. They already don't like him.

You should turn to them for support. They are wise not to like him.

Yes I do see right through it but I feel like I have to over think everything since my daughter is my main concern. But I just don't know how we could move forward with our relationship.

Yes I do see right through it but I feel like I have to over think everything since my daughter is my main concern. But I just don't know how we could move forward with our relationship.

You daughter will look at your marriage as an example of what a relationship looks like for the rest of her life. If you continue to stay with your husband behaving this way, your daughter will end up with a similar man and be unhappy just like you. If you stop it now, your daughter will not have that bad example forever stuck in her head and she will have a shot at a happy healthy relationship in her future.

Why doesn't your family like him? They probably have been seeing what you haven't until recently. They will support you and help you leave him. Talk to them for your daughters sake.

I want the best for her and I guess I know what I should do its just not easy to make that decision

They don't like him for the person he is, thing he's done in the past. I know they would 100% support me if I left him but like I said the decision that I'm coming to isn't easy hes the first longest relationship I have had, we have a child, and its been nearly 5 years. But ultimately I ant my daughter to know and see what a healthy loving relationship is.

You are not overreacting. He's looking at personal ads on craigslist and having converstaion on fb with this girl. If he doesn't respond to what you have to say then I would suggest moving away from him. He's no good for you.

Ohh girl, kick him to the curb!

If it is a joke, it's a pretty cruel one. But I doubt it is a joke.

Based on everything you said (prior problems already, family doesn't like him, possibly cheating, and the fact that *you* are looking for jobs for him) it sounds like it's time to end this.

You said, “I feel like if he feels so strongly about his ex then he should be happy, and let me be happy wherever that may be. I dont know if I can trust him anymore. I don't know if I'm overreacting?? Please help.”

Good for you! You are on the right path.

Yes, we can help.

No, you are not overreacting!

Yes, you can't trust him! (Or any of his canned statements/remarks that all cheaters use!)

And your first sentence is the foundation of a strong honorable woman that can have what she wants!

That said, What do you want?

A failing marriage is stressful enough, the added element of parasitic woman just adds to the misery. I/we know your pain but you must be strong and clear-minded. You are in a powerful position in which you can decide the ultimate outcome of this union.

So, do you want to be married to this man?

No – Stop talking to him and kick him out tonight!

Yes – From this moment on... You must not use any computer he has access to. Stop talking to him and come back to us.

You are not overreacting. He's looking at personal ads on craigslist and having converstaion on fb with this girl. If he doesn't respond to what you have to say then I would suggest moving away from him. He's no good for you.

i feel for you. You have some very serious decisions to make. You have realized too late that the man you selected is not the man that you would hope he would grow to be. You make reference to wanting your daughter to see a loving relationship but do you think he can provide this? You were a young girl when you got involved with him but now you are a grown woman and a mother.

Surround yourself with the support of your family and make a plan for yourself and your daughter. There comes a time to admit your mistake and try to correct your course in life. There is not enough wishing in the world that will change him into the man you keep hoping that he will become. He has shown you his true colors over and over. You know the truth but the hard choice has to frozen. Seek your family for they are the ones who can help you at a crossroads like this.

I feel like you all have made amazing points! Thank you so much! You have definitely given my thoughts direction.

As for do I want to stay or go, I'm not sure yet. I feel like I need to go home (I'm still at my parents, going home today) and hear what he has to say and get everything off my chest in person. I cant say a lot of what I want over the phone or text. Although on one part my mind is made up as to what I want to do, I feel like I owe it to myself to hear what he has to say about everything and then make my ultimate decision.

He has thrown me off lately being very loving and doing things he normally wouldn't. For example I asked him to do something for me that did not benefit him in any way and had it been any other 'normal' day it would have turned into an argument. And I hoped our relationship could be like this always not when he feels guilty. I definitely feel like this sudden change in his attitude is a reinforcement that maybe there's more to the messages. Anywho I don't want to over think it. I just want to get through this.

It's a bit weird to me how calm I am about all of this. How I'm not angry just hurt and upset. I don't want to leave this relationship with anger or resentment as we have a baby together and we will always have to be in each others lives.

Whatever the outcome I will be back either to find out how to deal with our seperation or our healing after something like this.

Thank you again.

Yari

 

For example I asked him to do something for me that did not benefit him in any way and had it been any other 'normal' day it would have turned into an argument.

But this isn't even exceptional behavior- this is the bare minimum expectation in a relationship.

I hope you realize that you are worth being in a relationship in which there is mutual respect.